Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Dawn's Golden Night

2/23/2006 c3 6Strider Hunter
I see you did separate your dialgoue in this chapter, so I'll say no more on that subject. You set up a good conflict between the two characters in this chapter, with a hint of mystery behind Caldorien's motives.

Toward the last half of this chapter, you might have over-used the word "eyes" just a little bit. Attentive readers like a little variety in the language; try substituting words like "visage" or describe another feature of the face. Keep up the good work and best of luck!
2/23/2006 c2 Strider Hunter
I'm curious, does this story take place in the real world or in another? The reason I ask is because it felt rather odd for a Vampire Lord to come in and feed from a coffee shop owner.

"oily taste of evil doers" was a good line from the prelude.

Overall this is well written, with fine grammar. Only suggestion I might have is to separate your dialgoue from the exposition by keeping dialogue as its own paragraph.
2/2/2005 c3 4junejewel9
Hey! I like it a lot so far! Gabriella seems like a really good person er... vampire. Will watch for updates.

Please R and R my story...

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service