for Dawn's Golden Night2/23/2006 c3 
6Strider Hunter
I see you did separate your dialgoue in this chapter, so I'll say no more on that subject. You set up a good conflict between the two characters in this chapter, with a hint of mystery behind Caldorien's motives.
Toward the last half of this chapter, you might have over-used the word "eyes" just a little bit. Attentive readers like a little variety in the language; try substituting words like "visage" or describe another feature of the face. Keep up the good work and best of luck!
6Strider HunterI see you did separate your dialgoue in this chapter, so I'll say no more on that subject. You set up a good conflict between the two characters in this chapter, with a hint of mystery behind Caldorien's motives.
Toward the last half of this chapter, you might have over-used the word "eyes" just a little bit. Attentive readers like a little variety in the language; try substituting words like "visage" or describe another feature of the face. Keep up the good work and best of luck!
2/23/2006 c2 Strider Hunter
I'm curious, does this story take place in the real world or in another? The reason I ask is because it felt rather odd for a Vampire Lord to come in and feed from a coffee shop owner.
"oily taste of evil doers" was a good line from the prelude.
Overall this is well written, with fine grammar. Only suggestion I might have is to separate your dialgoue from the exposition by keeping dialogue as its own paragraph.
I'm curious, does this story take place in the real world or in another? The reason I ask is because it felt rather odd for a Vampire Lord to come in and feed from a coffee shop owner.
"oily taste of evil doers" was a good line from the prelude.
Overall this is well written, with fine grammar. Only suggestion I might have is to separate your dialgoue from the exposition by keeping dialogue as its own paragraph.
2/2/2005 c3 4junejewel9
Hey! I like it a lot so far! Gabriella seems like a really good person er... vampire. Will watch for updates.
Please R and R my story...
4junejewel9Hey! I like it a lot so far! Gabriella seems like a really good person er... vampire. Will watch for updates.
Please R and R my story...