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4/21/2005 c2 Meli-dear
No, I'm not curious at all! *in denial*

Wow, he sure said 'my flower' a lot. But it didn't really bother me, actually it had something very tender and sweet... Very good describtion, and your grammar is excelent, for as far as I can tell (am no expert). I assume the nameless man of 'my flower' was the ? in the stats (hehe, that one got me confused at first, I wondered if someone might've forgotten to give his/her character's name =\ )

You symbolised Ilvasoix as a flower in the prologue in the first chapter, and the unknown man named Fiona a flower as well. Is there a connection or am I looking too deep into this?

Hehe, your describtive way of writing and choice of words regulary force me to get a dictionary! My english is so sloppy *^_^* This is not a hint you should change it though, I love it the way it is, and I immediately teach something new.

Uhm... the nameless man said something somewhere, from which I am wondering if it was on purpose or an accident. If it was supposed to be this way, it seems to fit the person really well, if it wasn't:

Honourable Sher’lian, look no further. I understand not your presence here in this place.

'understand not'. It does sound cute ^_^

I look forward to the next chapter with great anticipation =D
4/21/2005 c1 Meli-dear
Name: Soreru Gokta

Gender: Female

Race: Human

Appearance: Hair: Midnight blue, if this is allowed. It is very long, light, and a perfect play-toy for the wind. Soreru braids it when she knows there's about to happen some action, but on calmer occasions, she prefers to have it hanging lose.

Eyes: Golden. They often have a dreamy expression in them, except in a fight or at serious times. Then a determinated glint appears in them. It's small, very small, but still there.

Markings: A large scar runs over Soreru's back, from her shoulder way down to her hip.

Wears: Normally she'll wear brown trousers, with a black trench coat, reaching just past her knees. Underneath Soreru wears a grey shirt, complimenting her blue hair, but also partially revealing the scar on her back.

General Appearance: Soreru is a small person, and if it wasn't for her dark blue hair, she could blend in easily wherever she wanted. Not skinny, not fat, she has a right weight and a good condition. Nothing out of the ordinary, however. Soreru is not extremely beautiful, with a rather flat chest as well, but nobody would call her ugly. She's just… pretty.

Weapon Type: A Wood Stick, also known as a 'Bo'. She uses it very defensive.

Age: 21.

Personality: Soreru is a person who used to feel lost, and still does at times. She was not sure where to go, or who to believe. But then she found someone from the 'evil' side who was able to make her decisions for her, and Soreru accepted this person. Soreru doesn't believe in herself very much, so she prefers to rely on others to tell her what to do. She has lost her perspective of 'right' and 'wrong' long ago, and although she doesn't like to inflict harm on innocent people and creatures, she'll show no mercy to her real enemies, once she finds the guts to actually attack them. Yep, Soreru is a wee bit of a coward.

She would rather not fight at all, but do things for her employer without too much violence. Collecting information, going undercover, whatever they want her to do. If she doesn't like something, Soreru might struggle a bit, but give in rather quickly, like she does with almost everything. Fights are an exception, and when it concerns her talents with Spiritual Arts. She'll unexpectedly fiercely react against anyone who questions them, except for Necromantic Discipline, about which she heavily doubts herself.

The favourite way of passing Soreru's time, is sitting by a lake, with a strong wind blowing. There was to be no rain, however - the moist can make her scar more sensitive. She finds mist fascinating - it works on her imagination and makes her see things that aren't there. However, this can also make her nervous. When not alone, she tends not to warn about the things she sees, because people will probably laugh at her later on anyway.

While Soreru prefers to be around a small group containing people who are stronger and securer then herself, she is able to sustain in a large crowd as well, though she kind of dislikes being in one. Complete solitude is nothing for Soreru; it only makes her feel vulnerable. Although it may sound like she is, Soreru is certainly not an ass-licker, she just needs someone's guidance, whether it's 'bad' or 'good'. She'll follow it, with or without doubts.

Soreru doesn't quickly label people as enemy or ally. They remain neutral for a very long time, and only when they clearly show whose side they're on, Soreru will judge them on it. However, she does believe people can change, and sometimes this can be a weak spot - though not of good trusting, Soreru doesn't easily see through acting.

Seeing how Soreru is completely shy around men who have nothing to do with her 'job', I don't think she'll easily attach herself to one of them. She's most likely to flee from one who gives her attention, so I'm not really seeing her taking romantic relationships. Maybe she could get befriended with one over time, but romance is nothing for Soreru. At least, it's not likely.

Alignment: Sola – Your character will be perceived as an antagonist.

Parameters: Might: 4

Guard: 15

Dexterity: 12

Coordination: 3

Fortitude: 6

Potency: 19

Resistance: 13

Spiritual Arts:

Life Discipline – 33

Necromantic Discipline – 19

Illusionary Discipline – 48
2/16/2005 c1 4BIV
(Half stealing a character from my story)

Name: Fey Lin

Gender: Female

Race: Talent (almost human, but with some added kicks, but i guess those are part of your spiritual arts...just Human then.)

Appearance: Hair: Deep black hair, long, falls to the small of her back, a few shorter pieces frame her face.

Eyes: Black (technically just dark brown, but black for all that matters) Alomond shaped, dark lashed.

Height/weight: tallish for a woman, 5'9 - 5'10, slim, about 145 lbs.

Skin: Caucasian, dark ivory, pale, but nothing unnatural.

Clothes: Wears a long white courdroy coat, straight cut black pants, a seductively low cut shirt, also black, and black suede gloves and black suede stilletto boots and (don't be deceived, the heels don't hinder her at all).

Markings: Two black lotus flowers with the stems weaved together tattooed to her lower back. A lot of barely visable scars crisscrossed over her back.

Weapon Type: Fancy silver daggers (two) plus her talents as well as amazing and gravity/speed defying martail art skills.

Age: 20


General: Fey is a harpy bitch. She has a sarcastic and cynical sense of humour, finding the short comings of others amusing. She is a natural born leader, people flock behind her because of her level headed assurance in all that she does.

Likes: Power, control, manipulating others, watching others fail, sunrise, water, silver.

Dislikes: Weakness in herself, weakness in others, people with more 'power' than her, being cold.

Fears: Losing control of herself, loss of power, death, sudden loud noises.

Aspirations: She wants power, pure and simple, she likes to be in control, and will do what it takes to gain control. Though once you put aside her obsessive ambition, she can be almost sweet.

Romantic Interests: She doesn't actively seek 'love' though she takes part in her share of passion and infatuation ^_~. If she did find a steady partner it would have to be someone on her level. Someone higher would make her dislike them for holding more power, and someone lower would lose her respect.

Alignment: Sola


Might: 7

Guard: 15

Dexterity: 10

Coordination: 10

Fortitude: 10

Potency: 13

Resistance: 7

Spiritual Arts:

Wind Discipline – 35

Biomantic Discipline - 25

Alteration Discipline – 20

Ethereal Discipline – 20

I hope i didn't miss anything, this is already the longest review I've ever given. 0_0
2/12/2005 c2 2FoolishBeloved
I really like your writing style,(good to know since i'll hopefully have a character in this soon) highly descriptive without going over board and getting boring, kudos to you! I already like this shadow guy, right now he's got the crazy mysterious thing going on, and i still manage to like him. (it may help that Loki has a thing for silver hair ^_^;;).

Somethings I forgot in my character-thing, Last name: Cianheight: tall, 6'0 - 6'-1, Weight: fairly slenderOther: has a punk/goth and slightly femenine appearance (in contrast to a bad ass attitude) a double eyebrow piercing (left) and a double 0 gadge in his right ear. black leather gloveswith metal accents.
2/12/2005 c1 FoolishBeloved
Name: Tobias

Gender: Male

Race: Twilight Angel (simialr to a fallen angel)

Appearance: Pale, just aout white skin and raven black hair with blue shine. His hair is put in rather large spikes. His eyes are a very bright/deep blue with slitted puplis, but sometimes go entirely black (no whites) usually when feeling a strong emotion. he usually wears a bit of black eye liner.A lot of small random scars mostly on the forearms and back. He has an intricate star burst pattern on the left side of his neck called a fallstar. Has a pair of pure White, faintly luminescent wings he can call out at will. He wears a black double breasted over coat (fitted trench coat that goes to the knees...it has hidden slits for his wings to come out too) over failry close fitting white muscle shirt and close fitting shiny black pants. Knee high boots with buckles all up the sides and metal spikes and webbing on the toes and heels. He wears a silver torque around his neck as well as a thin silver chain with a dark blue stone in a mesh of silver wire. (^_^; i got carried away)

Weapon Type: A large broad sword with an intricate tribal design, worn on his back between his wings. Openly carries two large curved daggers, has many small throwing knives hidden on his person.

Age: 21

Personality: Cynical and apathetic he avoids people as much as possible. He is a loner by nature with a bitter outlook and a 'bad attitude.' He used to be a little more personable, but past experiences have forced him into a shell. Betrayed one too many times he has lost all faith in 'humanity' and is determined to never make the same mistakes again. He is a loyal person but has little regard for most others. He is afraid of being betrayed again but would give anything to be given a reason to trust again. As of now he has faith only in himself and works toward his own goals, no one elses. Angst, angst, angst, he tends to feel a little too sorry for himself, and it shows in his mannerism, he sulks, he walks alone in the dark, he generally. Despite his depressive aura there is the 'man of mystery' lfair in him, and as attractive as he is, he draws more attention than he'd like.

Alignment: None/ any, as a mercenary he'll work for whoever pays the most, he has no ties to either race.

Parameters: Please, divide 72 points amongst the ones below. All fields must not surpass twenty-five and must have a value of at least one point.

Might: 10

Guard: 8

Dexterity: 12

Coordination: 10

Fortitude: 5

Potency: 15


Spiritual Arts: Wind Discipline – 20

Dark Discipline – 30

Alteration Discipline – 10

Ethereal Discipline – 40

my email: [email protected] you need anything else just ask. if you need a beta reader i'm willing (whether or not i'm able is your call) and if you want pictures of my characters/anycharacters just ask i have no life and like to consider myself an artist.
2/10/2005 c2 Mechanical Savior
Nice. I know I'm late in reviewing, but real life gets me caught up in things. Your writing style is very good, and I'm impressed. You surprised me - you write better then most people I've read here on Fiction Press.

The story was off to a nice start, I was expecting more of an intro, though this chapter couldn't be readily put under an introduction chapter. The characters seem to be all in line, and the unknown silver-haired character seemed especially well developed.

You did Elias well, I have nothing to comment about, and I'm very picky when it comes to things. Though I'll have to read further into the plot before I can making any firm comments on how well you're doing his character.

Though what Power does Fiona have, and why is everyone seem to be after her, I wonder. And what relation is she to Elias - another thing I'm curious with. As well as how Elias got associated with the Sher'lian (spelling?) general. Very . . .interesting to say the least. Never expected a beast-human whatever to be in here.

As for stats, here they are.

1. +1 to guard2. +2 to Resistance

Nice job. I await your next chapter.
2/7/2005 c2 25Henna
Hi. This is a very good idea for a story. However, the kiddnapper man (did he have a name? not one i caught...) said "my flower" too often. It started to bug me. Anyhoo, your style of writing is very detailed and unique. I greatly enojoyed reading a fic that had proper grammar and spelling. I can't wait for the next installment.
2/7/2005 c2 JeweledKnife
We~eel, the story is finally starting! *dances, dances*

Let me start out by saying that the silver-haired guy scares me. He will probably prove to be an interesting character and all, but...he scares me. Especially with this whole "flower" buisness, but hey, what can one say? The man is blinded by passion.

The other characters, seem fine, The prince is brave. Yay for him ,for tryingt o protect Fiona, even though the other silver-haired guy wanted to protect her too. Hmm, Fiona does seem very weak though. The poor girl. I feel sorry for her...*shiver* she's got that freaky guy obsesed with her.

this was a nice introduction. It wasn't too longa nd it didn't bored me to death. I'm even more interested in what's gonna happen next! Ah, you and your cliffhangers. Well that just means you're just going to have to come up with another chapter soon. Got that? ^_^I wanna meet more of the other peoples characters! *dance*

Keep writing, have fun, good luck.



And according to you i can split my points up 3 ways, right?

So: One point for might, one for resistance and one for gaurd. Thanks!
2/7/2005 c2 TygirSky
Well, you didn't waste any time getting right to the action! ^_^ I like the complex emotions, it adds lots of depth. You could, though, work on scenery more. Not that it's bad as it is, but it would be easier to imagine the scene if you described what was going on some more. About Keata, i wanted to talk to you about some of her stats still. The diciplines, mostly. Did you get my email? Hmm, i can't wait for the next chapter to come out ^_^ Maybe we'll find out about this oncoming danger? (Dexterity plz! ^_^)~TigerHawk
2/7/2005 c2 JeweledKnife
We~eel, the story is finally starting! *dances, dances*

Let me start out by saying that the silver-haired guy scares me. He will probably prove to be an interesting character and all, but...he scares me. Especially with this whole "flower" buisness, but hey, what can one say? The man is blinded by passion.

The other characters, seem fine, The prince is brave. Yay for him ,for tryingt o protect Fiona, even though the other silver-haired guy wanted to protect her too. Hmm, Fiona does seem very weak though. The poor girl. I feel sorry for her...*shiver* she's got that freaky guy obsesed with her.

this was a nice introduction. It wasn't too longa nd it didn't bored me to death. I'm even more interested in what's gonna happen next! Ah, you and your cliffhangers. Well that just means you're just going to have to come up with another chapter soon. Got that? ^_^I wanna meet more of the other peoples characters! *dance*

Keep writing, have fun, good luck.


2/7/2005 c2 4Food For Thought
Seasons of Bilancia

Name: Braeken Rishtibal I

Gender (Sex): Male

Race: Human

Appearance: Hair · Hair Colour: Black· Hair Length: Short· Hair Composition: Very smooth· Hair Style: Ponytail

Appearance: Eyes· Eye Colour: Blue· Eye Composition: Puffed up and baggy (as a result of constant exhaustion)

Appearance: Size· Height: Short (5’1’’)· Weight: Heavy (245 lbs.)

Appearance: Face· Thick, hearty beard and mustache.· Light-skinned man.· Nostrils and ears engulfed with hair.· Teeth are yellow-stained and crooked.

Appearance: Body· Very chubby.· Hairs on back, stomach and arms; not chest.

Appearance: Fashion· Baggy, red pants made of silk.· Wears a big, gold ring on his pinky finger with a ruby embedded in its core.· Green shirt (short-sleeved) worn loosely.· Clogs on feet.

Weapon Type: A two-handed hammer that’s almost twice his size. It weighs almost as much as he does (200 lbs.). (Preferably called the “Klestin Heinne Hammer”; doesn’t have to be called that though.)

Age: 45

Personality: Likes· Loves to squander money to drink· Loves to squander money on women· Loves to regale people of stories about his adventures (which he usually makes up)· Loves contests that prove his manly bravado (i.e. drinking contests, arm wrestling contests, etc.)· Loves when a woman rejects him (he thinks that they’re playing “hard-to-get”, usually).

Personality: Dislikes· Hates men whom he finds more attractive than him.· Hates when people belittle him by pulling on his beard, using his head as an armrest, etc.· Hates when anyone disturbs him while eating, trying to court a woman or while he’s in the bathroom (or your worlds’ equivalent to a “bathroom”).

Personality: General· He acts differently toward people of different genders and perceived beauty. Toward beautiful women, he tries to woo them off of their feet with slurred sonnets and inappropriate touching. Toward average, or even ugly, women, he tends to get nasty. He even tries to avoid them (when he’s not drunk). Toward handsome men (especially young ones), he tends to “take them under his wing”. He teaches them how to get women, drink people under the table, etc. After a while, he finds that they cramp his style and he gets rid of them. Toward ugly men, he ignores them (unless they challenge him to a manly contest).

Aspirations: To live life, roaming from woman to woman. Eventually, he wants to horde as many resources as possible in order to sell them at outrageous costs to the desperate communities of Sola. With the money he gains, he plans to build a massive dwelling, housing only himself and all the beautiful women of Ilvasoix.

Romantic Interests: When looking for a partner, he has very high standards. She must have perky breasts, firm buttocks, a gorgeous face and the obedience of a slave. When looking for a good time (especially after drinking), just about any woman would do just fine.

Strengths: He’s very determined; it takes a lot to keep him down. After a couple of drinks, his movements tend to be a bit unpredictable. His style of fighting is unorthodox overall, usually leaving his opponents confused. His instincts are phenomenal.

Flaws: His weapon is a bit heavy for him. He tends to fall back a lot when equipped with his hammer, but he refuses to fight with anything less. He also tends to underestimate female opponents.

Alignment: Sola – Your character will be perceived as an antagonist.

Parameters: (see below)· Might: (How impressive your character’s physical attacks are.): 10· Guard: (How resistant your character is to physical damage.): 15· Dexterity: (How quickly your character can move.): 1· Coordination: (How fast your character can react to oncoming danger.): 25· Fortitude: (How long your character can last in battle.): 10· Potency: (How powerful your character’s spiritual abilities are.): 1· Resistance: (How inured (injured?) your character is to spiritual attacks.): 10

Spiritual Arts: Catalytic Discipline – Spiritual art of enhancing the parameters of living things, such as Might or Potency. 100

P.S. I was going to save this character for myself, but I want to see what you can do with him. Don't be afraid to take a chance with the characters you are given, that’s what they were created for. I'll be checking up on you... If you have any more questions or comments, don't hesitate to e-mail me. I'll answer back as soon as I can.
2/6/2005 c2 Alaurei
Hey Sand, I'm submitting my review right now but I have no idea what place I stand in review order so e-mail me and let me know and I'll tell you what stats I would like to have updated. Thanks again! Now to the review.

I loved how the chapter was quick actually. Too much of an introduction might have seemed repetitive and not interesting for the readers. I believe this was a perfect length and I only found one area inside of the story where I was a bit confused conerning the grammar. But I cannot recall quite where it was. Overall, the structure of the story was good, paragraphs were spaced out nicely, but one thing I didn't like was the dialogue seemed choppy. I understand that it's really hard when introducing characters like this, and especially introducing the villians. They tend to cut their sentences short. :D

Otherwise, I loved the characters. They always seem to have this aurora to them as if you have known them forever yet, there is still missing info that you are longing to know. Alan and now the Prince. For some reason, I can see similar ways of writing through your RPG's and your stories. :) I think it's the same for all authors. I understand, as I have experienced, people don't always like descriptions shoved into one paragraph. And I agree, and that's why I had a hard time writing the first chapter of DW2. But, in your story, we got some of the descriptions spred out a bit and that was nice. I still feel like I didn't get to see too much about the characters, so I just hope to hear more about them later. ;) For now, we were just introduced to the main story right?

I love the way the villian speaks. I like how he refers to his "fragile flower" and treats her like a princess. Hmm, maybe she is. I have no idea! LoL. I can't wait for the next chapter however you leave us. Even if there is no cliff hanger, I will always be longing for the next chapter. I like the setting as well with the damp thick hallways and the thick fog and mist. And the rain and thunder! It all seemed well planned out. Maybe I can suggest more descriptions here and there about how the characters are feeling? It's always hard to give suggestions at the very beginning chapter because sometimes the author changes the first chapter and writes differently the rest of the story. All I can do is give suggestions and supportive words and read!

Well, the chapter loosk great. I'm not sure why Jack wasn't on the list of the characters but maybe that will be cleared up and finished later. I can't wait to see him appear in the story and interact with the other characters. Overall, I loved the chapter. I don't think there was ever a point where I wasn't on my toes in reading. You're very talented with keeping the reader interested and their minds never wander. Keep up the great work and I can't wait to read the next chapter!

2/6/2005 c2 6Belle the Shadow-Cat
Ha! It seems I will be first to review your story. But as far as I can say, awesome.

First off, before I can say anymore, can I say the Silver-haired character *laughs* seems so.. so very Insane? lol. Misunderstood indeed. As far as I can see, I think you portrayed Fayte very well - she was as I imagined her to be.

And you leave me in absolute wonder to the plot already - which, for once, I know very much nill about. And may I say I see you're back into the cliffhanger condition? I thought we were over that. :p.

What I especially liked was her dialogue when negotiating with "you know who". And so this is the trouble you were having when we were talking. haha, glad you got over it though.

I like the Prince, and I can only assume he's fully in character, and I admire the silver character's rather odd personality so far. 0-o Believe me, it was very, very different from what I was expecting.

I was guessing it'd be an apple, but instead it was an orange. Heh. And what do they want with Fiona, eh?

Very, very nice job. The only thing I can so far thing of mentioning is the usage of "Where in Ilvasoix could it have gone."

She would more then likely use something from the race of her people - as though she is familar with the common language, she would use a natural (y'know cultural) word to use in times of surprise.

But really, I find that to be of litte concern.

You and your cliffhangers! *grumbles* Must you? Must you? XD I wana know the danger.. what's after Fiona, and why?

I suppose that shall be addressed in time.

Now for the stats.. To my knowledge, I am so far first, if it's any different, just tell me.

1. +2 to Potency2. +1 to Might3. +2 to Resistance4. +1 to Fortitude

-Till next chapter

2/4/2005 c1 Jeweled Knife
Ello, wow, it's strange to reveiwing one of your stories again! Anyway, i signed up via e-mail. This should be as fun as your last story, so i can't wait. good luck with it!

2/4/2005 c1 Mechanical Savior
Hmm, as it seems to be the tradition, I'll send my sign-up via e-mail. You seem to be a very capable writer, plus you were on Nickel City's list. So expect my sign up soon.
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