Just In
for No title

2/27/2005 c1 3Alter Egomania
A very good effort overall. It starts off a bit weakly, but by the time they hit the dance floor it is excellent.

Nonetheless, there are a few things I would like to point out:

"That was how he mistakenly considered her stumbling: irregular, incorrect, inaccurate, not what they actually were: joyful, excited, inebriated."

First of all, it should be 'not what it actually was,' since stumbling is NOT plural, and stumblings isn't even a word. Secondly, It doesn't really make sense, 'irregular, incorrect, inaccurate' are by no means mutually exclusive with 'joyful, excited, inebriated.' Also, you should at least consider putting 'and' after the second adjective in each list.

"He was seated on a plush leather couch long since gone to pasture, the sort of lounge that no respectable household would dare contain."

The problem with this is that they aren't in a household, they're in a bar. You're really going out on a limb, in my opinion, with this statement.

"Hi, she said, her voice not slurring, not yet, but there was a sort of dull warmth to it, an untargeted warmth that would apply to anyone she shared words with. But he was lonely, so:"

Overuse of 'but' angers me greatly. Remove both of them, and make 'there was' the beginning of a new sentence.

"letting his wrist fall in the casual, limp way in which some people observe things they are holding."

This sounds somewhat awkward, almost as if he is observing it with his wrist.

"fingers slighting curling in towards the wrist,"

It should be 'slightly,' not 'slighting.'

"though he was not fashion aware enough to know why."

'Fashion savvy' is a more common and specific word choice for this situation.

"-Are you, he cleared his throat, looked away, sipped – swallowed – at his drink. -Are you enjoying yourself, tonight?"

Use quotes, not dashes, when signifying dialogue. It is, unless you're running into some bizarre fictionpress formatting problem, generally clearer and easier to read.

"Her eyes were green, her eyes held his like a lover cradles a cheek."

'Her eyes' being used twice in the same sentence is awkward. Use 'they' the second time around.

"right to tug at some hair fallen astray over her ear,"

What the hell is this supposed to mean. Even if I assume that 'astray' is 'ashtray' it still makes barely any sense. Change this!

"The answer left her mouth as easy as the proverbial hot knife through butter,"

Once again, you are forcing similes beyond their normal use. It's not completely unacceptable, but you ought to be aware of how odd it sounds.

"all manner of music over the same four duh duh duh duh,"

Onamonapeia can be a great thing, an instrument that a writer uses to further immerse the reader into his story. This time, however, it does not.

"At the bar, three staff ran about the tiny enclosure, endlessly active, taking orders, pouring drinks, collecting money and dispensing change. Hopefully in that order, but with the noise and the movements and the atmosphere, it was difficult to tell."

This sounds just a bit strange. You may want to add a 'they did it' after the 'Hopefully'

"She stepped about, jerky, little movements, her entire body seeming to follow itself as she moved, a coordination that was quite beyond him."

I thought she was mildly inebriated, what happened?

"-Here, she said softly, her voice audible even over the thousand-decibel crush of sound."

I'm probably being overly picky here, but a thousand decibels is well past the point where eardrums implode, and brains are liquified from the insane vibrations.

"He was nervous, his mind seizing on the casually rejecting 'relationship?' of before, his insecurities hovering like buzzards over this one word, ignoring the thousand good words and actions that surrounded it like flowers around a weed. He finished the drink, buying time before action, looking for a place to dispose of it, watching her, wanting to join her, desperate that another would not take his place, worried that someone would, almost convinced that she was giving herself to that guy, there, or that one, over there, or maybe..."

This passage is, as are most of Will's internal digressions, unecessary. the last three paragraphs have already told us this. Have enough confidence in yourself and your audience to realize that your characters' thoughts do not need to be spelled out.

"-I'm sorry, I just, I didn't...I still want you to have my number, she said, her voice tinged with panic and sorrow, hands reaching for his, hers eagerly apologetic, his reluctantly willing. -I do, William, honestly. He's not even..."

Lauren on the defensive? It's a bit out of place with what there's been thus far. Is it simply inconsistency within the character, or an ominous prelude of what's to come?

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service