for The Tunnel Wars9/2/2006 c1 
12elisefey
I really like this first chapter. The world you're creating in this story is nicely original. Your writing style quick-paced and easy to read, I'm eager to read on to the next chapters.
12elisefeyI really like this first chapter. The world you're creating in this story is nicely original. Your writing style quick-paced and easy to read, I'm eager to read on to the next chapters.
1/2/2006 c1 3Tears of Crimson
A verra nice little universe you've created. I like it a lot. The characters are a little confusing, but more reading wil sort them out. bravo ~
3Tears of CrimsonA verra nice little universe you've created. I like it a lot. The characters are a little confusing, but more reading wil sort them out. bravo ~
11/26/2005 c18 4Chicanery A. Beguile
Testing guns? That's so mean! Why can't they use machines? And I hope nothing bad happens to Keely and Slick and everyone else.
4Chicanery A. BeguileTesting guns? That's so mean! Why can't they use machines? And I hope nothing bad happens to Keely and Slick and everyone else.
11/25/2005 c18 2Casey Drake
*growl* they're using them to kill off their own people.
*pales* tell me they aren't going to kill all the people in the hideout with the flamecannons... and tell me the three in the ship will get out OK...
:) CD
2Casey Drake*growl* they're using them to kill off their own people.
*pales* tell me they aren't going to kill all the people in the hideout with the flamecannons... and tell me the three in the ship will get out OK...
:) CD
10/30/2005 c17 Casey Drake
oo... what happens next?
Oh an when you said that about the ninjas and burgers... I could not help but giggle at the mental image of a hamburger and a stereotypical cartoon ninja working side by side...
:D CD
oo... what happens next?
Oh an when you said that about the ninjas and burgers... I could not help but giggle at the mental image of a hamburger and a stereotypical cartoon ninja working side by side...
:D CD
10/16/2005 c17 4Chicanery A. Beguile
Yay, I love this story! Sorry I haven't had a lot of spare time but now I finally got to read this chapter, and it's great! The Devs are gonna gets their butts whipped! And are they doing forced child labor in that factory?
4Chicanery A. BeguileYay, I love this story! Sorry I haven't had a lot of spare time but now I finally got to read this chapter, and it's great! The Devs are gonna gets their butts whipped! And are they doing forced child labor in that factory?
10/16/2005 c15 25ariel25
NO! I want them to come back!Good write. *Goes to read the next chapter*by the way this is morada I just got a new pen name.
NO! I want them to come back!Good write. *Goes to read the next chapter*by the way this is morada I just got a new pen name.
9/30/2005 c1 9Eyetk
Hmm...interesting! A kind of mix-and-match from other themes. Then again, I'm feeling kind of odd right now, and seeing all sorts of connections between different concepts that aren't linked at all.
However, throughout this piece...I dunno, I just kind of felt like you weren't really listening to the old adage, 'Show, not tell'. This feels too...telly.
Now, I shall quickly end the review before I start making more rediculous words like that last one...
9EyetkHmm...interesting! A kind of mix-and-match from other themes. Then again, I'm feeling kind of odd right now, and seeing all sorts of connections between different concepts that aren't linked at all.
However, throughout this piece...I dunno, I just kind of felt like you weren't really listening to the old adage, 'Show, not tell'. This feels too...telly.
Now, I shall quickly end the review before I start making more rediculous words like that last one...
9/30/2005 c9 2Cirex
“I scoured the whole bleepin’ continent for you for a whole stupid year, until I found Keely so long ago.” - 'Scoured' doesn't seem to fit for Ferri's vocabulary. Too fancy :P.
“He was telling the truth,” Cam told them. Concisely he explained the day’s events, ending with, “So, what do you guys reckon?”“He was telling the truth,” Corinne said firmly. - Hm... I don't like how both people say the same thing, it seems redundant. Maybe just change one of their statements?
Well and good, I didn't want to see him pointed out as a traitor. Cheers for happy endings! (sorta) Keep it going!
2Cirex“I scoured the whole bleepin’ continent for you for a whole stupid year, until I found Keely so long ago.” - 'Scoured' doesn't seem to fit for Ferri's vocabulary. Too fancy :P.
“He was telling the truth,” Cam told them. Concisely he explained the day’s events, ending with, “So, what do you guys reckon?”“He was telling the truth,” Corinne said firmly. - Hm... I don't like how both people say the same thing, it seems redundant. Maybe just change one of their statements?
Well and good, I didn't want to see him pointed out as a traitor. Cheers for happy endings! (sorta) Keep it going!
9/30/2005 c8 Cirex
Great cliffhanger!
Ouch, that's really too bad about Slick... I was hoping that he'd be a nice, decent guy, a good fit with the Chalkers, but there had to be some kind of catch...
Oh well. Hopefully it'll all turn out in the end.
Great cliffhanger!
Ouch, that's really too bad about Slick... I was hoping that he'd be a nice, decent guy, a good fit with the Chalkers, but there had to be some kind of catch...
Oh well. Hopefully it'll all turn out in the end.
9/30/2005 c7 Cirex
I wonder where you got the inspiration for this story, it's really original.
I like, I like, I like!
Good chapter here! Nothing much to say, just that I wonder how the Steels are going to retaliate...
I wonder where you got the inspiration for this story, it's really original.
I like, I like, I like!
Good chapter here! Nothing much to say, just that I wonder how the Steels are going to retaliate...
9/30/2005 c6 Cirex
Yeah, I thought it had seemed a little coincidental that Slick used to be with the Steels. Maybe there is more to this then meets the eye... a plant perhaps?
I'm assuming the Treadmill is a Chalker ship? Why would Pinky ask for two ships, and then give back the Treadmill? Why not just keep the Treadmill and ask for one or two more ships?
Just a thought, trying to be helpful. :)
Keep it up!
Yeah, I thought it had seemed a little coincidental that Slick used to be with the Steels. Maybe there is more to this then meets the eye... a plant perhaps?
I'm assuming the Treadmill is a Chalker ship? Why would Pinky ask for two ships, and then give back the Treadmill? Why not just keep the Treadmill and ask for one or two more ships?
Just a thought, trying to be helpful. :)
Keep it up!
9/30/2005 c5 Cirex
Good stuff here too. The dialogue between the vendors and the Chalkers was great, really natural-sounding.
The explanation at the beginning on the roles of each Chalker was kind of wordy though, it slowed the pace down a bit. I guess it's necessary, but I wonder if you couldn't explain it more gradually throughout the story/chapter, instead of one big paragraph.
Not a big issue though. I also liked the ending of this chapter. Slick's surprisingly strong, or maybe it's martial arts or something like that.
Good stuff here too. The dialogue between the vendors and the Chalkers was great, really natural-sounding.
The explanation at the beginning on the roles of each Chalker was kind of wordy though, it slowed the pace down a bit. I guess it's necessary, but I wonder if you couldn't explain it more gradually throughout the story/chapter, instead of one big paragraph.
Not a big issue though. I also liked the ending of this chapter. Slick's surprisingly strong, or maybe it's martial arts or something like that.