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3/25/2005 c1 17Tessabe
This is very good and sad, I think the other reviewer caught most of the mistakes I could see so I won't comment on that. I do think this is good enough that it would be worth reposting it. Just upload your file and replace the chapter, your reviews shouldn't be affected.
3/12/2005 c1 3Tiffany Kremer
Thanks Helena!It's no problem to me. I know there were probably a ton of typos and misspelt words or things that were not finished. I get to typing so fast that what I am thinking doesn't come out the same. Even when I read some things over I miss a lot.

This short story was something I did a long time ago. First I made a poem, then I added more to it and made a story of it as well. I just thought I'd add it on here because I thought it was something that had a lot of emotion.

Again though, thank you!
3/6/2005 c1 5Haleth Aldea
wow, that is powerful, Tiffany! I started reading it and couldn't tear my eyes away.The writing is concise and immediate and pulled me in instantly. Even though it's short, it feels very complete: full of suspense, and well written, as always.

Anyway, here are my criticisms. Take them or leave them as you wish. What you change is up to you, of course, and I'm giving you a lot that may not be necessarily wrong, but just my opinion. (and just giving you a lot in general.)

1. the title: put an apostrophe in it ;)

2. Paragraph 3, sentence 3: the phrase: "...the more he neared her" seems a bit awkward. Maybe you could try different wording such as "the closer he became" and just see how you like it?

3. paragraph 4, sentence 1: "He moved unseen from alley" put article in front of "alley" (he moved unseen from the alley)

4. paragraph 4, sentence 2: (this is extra nitpicky) the last part of the sentence is a bit confusing. when the mist approaches her apartment, and then "he" returns to his solid form it makes me think that "he" and "the mist" are two separate things. You could cut out "the mist faded" or cut out "he" (so it would be: the mist faded and returned to his solid forum).

5. Paragraph 4, last sentence: typo. "with his foot" instead of "with is foot"

6. Paragraph 7, sentence 1: "She laid on the floor" is incorrect. Laid is the past tense of lay, which has to be used with an object (ex. she laid the pencil on the table, etc). The correct word would be lay, which is the past tense of lie. (ex. the pencil lay on the table.)

7. Paragraph 7, sentence 2: typo: "Her legs were curled" instead of "her legs we curled"

8. paragraph 14, sentence 3: the last prepositional phrase "of her neck" is not necessary, but you can keep it if you want.

9. last paragraph, sentence 1: comma after "apartment."

10. last paragraph, sentence 3: typo: "he knew" instead of "he know"

11. last paragraph, sentence 3: comma after "years" and comma after "finally."

I hope I've been helpful and not just annoying and OCD. It's great to see back! I've been gone a long time, too. I'm adding this story to my favorites list, ('cause it's awesome) and I'll check out your other stories when I have time.

-Haleth Aldea (formerly known as Helena Storrada)

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