for The Broken Road1/28/2013 c8 
1Shelby Rebecca
I'm really interested in your characters and the plot is not full of conflict, but somehow it's enough to keep me entranced. One thing to point out for you: Then and than are two different words. Then is used in a sequence, "first I do this, then I do that." On the other hand, than is used in comparisons, such as "I like chess better than checkers."
I hope that helps.
1Shelby RebeccaI'm really interested in your characters and the plot is not full of conflict, but somehow it's enough to keep me entranced. One thing to point out for you: Then and than are two different words. Then is used in a sequence, "first I do this, then I do that." On the other hand, than is used in comparisons, such as "I like chess better than checkers."
I hope that helps.
1/27/2013 c2 Shelby Rebecca
I like this story a lot. It's easy to get sucked into it. A few things though. For one, it's hard to understand why Lillian would be so rude to the Earl after he helped her get away from the jerk she hated so much. Also, wasn't she pretty hurt by the mean man? I think it would add alot of realism if we're there with her when she dresses her wounds.
I like this story a lot. It's easy to get sucked into it. A few things though. For one, it's hard to understand why Lillian would be so rude to the Earl after he helped her get away from the jerk she hated so much. Also, wasn't she pretty hurt by the mean man? I think it would add alot of realism if we're there with her when she dresses her wounds.
9/27/2012 c13 Chelsea
I'm sorry. I gave it a go, but this is far too YA for my tastes. It's clearly not meant to be with all the descriptions of sex, but as someone firmly out of the YA age range, the characters and the plot are very immature. There is little depth of analysis from the characters; I don't feel any sort of emotional connection to them at all.
Furthermore, I suspect that most of your young readers enjoy Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters, but they are quite tedious. Not every leading lady need be beautiful, kind, ladylike, and desirable to all men who view her (yet completely innocent to all the attention and unaware of her own beauty). Not every leading man need be rich, handsome, sexy, desirable to all ladies around him (of whom all are sluts and snobs, save for our Mary Sue), and yet still a bit obnoxious due to his sexual prowess. These characters are overused and boring.
How can you have sex with a person one day and decide you hate them the next? Yes, Lillian hid a big secret, but I feel like most rational adults in a sexual relationship would at least have a discussion. For people having sex, they don't seem to know each other or even themselves that well. Your characters seem very flat, with cliched feelings and cliched reactions (likely because they are at their cores simply Mary Sue and Gary Stu). They read just like characters I've read in countless other unmemorable stories on this website.
I recommend that you work on character development and plot believability, because everything here just seems like one big cliche after another. Real adults don't act this way, and being an adult yourself, I feel like you should have more insight into how adults process feelings and react to news. Again, I hope you don't find what I've said to be offensive or unjust, but this story reads as if a teenager without much life experience wrote it and not an adult woman.
I'm sorry. I gave it a go, but this is far too YA for my tastes. It's clearly not meant to be with all the descriptions of sex, but as someone firmly out of the YA age range, the characters and the plot are very immature. There is little depth of analysis from the characters; I don't feel any sort of emotional connection to them at all.
Furthermore, I suspect that most of your young readers enjoy Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters, but they are quite tedious. Not every leading lady need be beautiful, kind, ladylike, and desirable to all men who view her (yet completely innocent to all the attention and unaware of her own beauty). Not every leading man need be rich, handsome, sexy, desirable to all ladies around him (of whom all are sluts and snobs, save for our Mary Sue), and yet still a bit obnoxious due to his sexual prowess. These characters are overused and boring.
How can you have sex with a person one day and decide you hate them the next? Yes, Lillian hid a big secret, but I feel like most rational adults in a sexual relationship would at least have a discussion. For people having sex, they don't seem to know each other or even themselves that well. Your characters seem very flat, with cliched feelings and cliched reactions (likely because they are at their cores simply Mary Sue and Gary Stu). They read just like characters I've read in countless other unmemorable stories on this website.
I recommend that you work on character development and plot believability, because everything here just seems like one big cliche after another. Real adults don't act this way, and being an adult yourself, I feel like you should have more insight into how adults process feelings and react to news. Again, I hope you don't find what I've said to be offensive or unjust, but this story reads as if a teenager without much life experience wrote it and not an adult woman.
9/27/2012 c11 Chelsea
I haven't read any of your other stories, although from your author's notes, I see you usually write YA fiction. I understand this is definitely meant to be a more adult work, but I still think it reads more like a YA novel. I appreciate Lillian's character, that she is moral, determined, and hard working, despite becoming blind and losing her family. You've described her blindness in a thorough and meaningful way.
However, I think you lost me in this chapter. I feel everything you built Lillian up to be was a hoax. She confronted the other servants over gossiping about her relationship with Logan, yet she went and did the exact thing she was so offended about. She wanted to save her virginity in the hope of marriage, yet here she throws it away without a second thought. It makes no sense, particularly because she had weeks in between interactions with him.
I also don't understand what makes Logan so desirable to her, other than saving her from Brant and paying her some attention from time to time, usually in the vein of "Make this bet, and if I win, I get a kiss." He simply doesn't seem like a very good person, keeping several mistresses and discussing sleeping with his servants with his friends. I can't figure out why Lillian is so attracted to him. Based on being sexually assaulted twice in the past and holding onto the hope of someday marrying, I feel like such casual actions would be repugnant to Lillian rather than welcome.
Other than that, I think your writing and tone are fine. Your descriptions are good but could be fleshed out more. I laughed once at your mention of allergies; the scientific concept seemed a little out of place with talk of earls and barons. I guess my main criticism is that this "adult" work just feels like a YA bodice ripper. There is little plot and character development other than sex. I hope you don't find what I've said to be offensive. I'll try a few more chapters to see if there is more to Lillian and Logan than meets the eye, but this plot and these characters just seem too cliche to continue reading if there's no more complexity to your story.
I haven't read any of your other stories, although from your author's notes, I see you usually write YA fiction. I understand this is definitely meant to be a more adult work, but I still think it reads more like a YA novel. I appreciate Lillian's character, that she is moral, determined, and hard working, despite becoming blind and losing her family. You've described her blindness in a thorough and meaningful way.
However, I think you lost me in this chapter. I feel everything you built Lillian up to be was a hoax. She confronted the other servants over gossiping about her relationship with Logan, yet she went and did the exact thing she was so offended about. She wanted to save her virginity in the hope of marriage, yet here she throws it away without a second thought. It makes no sense, particularly because she had weeks in between interactions with him.
I also don't understand what makes Logan so desirable to her, other than saving her from Brant and paying her some attention from time to time, usually in the vein of "Make this bet, and if I win, I get a kiss." He simply doesn't seem like a very good person, keeping several mistresses and discussing sleeping with his servants with his friends. I can't figure out why Lillian is so attracted to him. Based on being sexually assaulted twice in the past and holding onto the hope of someday marrying, I feel like such casual actions would be repugnant to Lillian rather than welcome.
Other than that, I think your writing and tone are fine. Your descriptions are good but could be fleshed out more. I laughed once at your mention of allergies; the scientific concept seemed a little out of place with talk of earls and barons. I guess my main criticism is that this "adult" work just feels like a YA bodice ripper. There is little plot and character development other than sex. I hope you don't find what I've said to be offensive. I'll try a few more chapters to see if there is more to Lillian and Logan than meets the eye, but this plot and these characters just seem too cliche to continue reading if there's no more complexity to your story.
8/16/2012 c24 AnonymousReads
I liked your kind of confusing book and i have bought prada and predjudice and loved it even more. For this story you put in the 1800s was a a little off since their were not really hotels and the wording was sometimes more modern. Lilly was a bit naive and if logan was so in love with rebbecca why was he seeing so many orher girl? Good story. :)
I liked your kind of confusing book and i have bought prada and predjudice and loved it even more. For this story you put in the 1800s was a a little off since their were not really hotels and the wording was sometimes more modern. Lilly was a bit naive and if logan was so in love with rebbecca why was he seeing so many orher girl? Good story. :)
6/27/2012 c23 5Lenah. C
Wow. I'm afraid I have quite a lot to say about this beautiful story. Here's the chronology of my thoughts as I read through The Broken Road. Maybe it could be counted as a consolidated review (teehee)?
"I love historical romances. I hope (crossing my fingers) it would be a good read because god knows I'm desperate for a good story."
"Interesting! Lilly is blind. It makes the story so much more original."
"The writing is nearly flawless, and I really love how you capture Lilly's-er-condition (i don't want to say disability) so well. It gave me a lot of insights to the life of a blind person"
"I love how Logan's character is developing. As well as Lilly's. As the chapters progress, I feel like I'm getting to know them more and more as if they were real persons."
"Logan is so mean :( he broke my heart too just as he did Lilly's."
"So much drama-I love it! I'm itching not to scroll to the ending to see how the chapter will end."
"When will these cross-purposes end? Ack. So excited. I know I have school work to do, but another chapter wouldn't hurt . . ."
"I LOVE THIS STORY! Ended just right. Gave that wonderful, warm reading afterglow."
Thank you for posting such a beautiful story on FP. Not only is the plot nice, but your writing executed it perfectly. I'm so happy to have read this. I'm not surprised that you are now a published author. Congratulations and good luck to your future endeavors :)
Love, love, love,
L.C.
5Lenah. CWow. I'm afraid I have quite a lot to say about this beautiful story. Here's the chronology of my thoughts as I read through The Broken Road. Maybe it could be counted as a consolidated review (teehee)?
"I love historical romances. I hope (crossing my fingers) it would be a good read because god knows I'm desperate for a good story."
"Interesting! Lilly is blind. It makes the story so much more original."
"The writing is nearly flawless, and I really love how you capture Lilly's-er-condition (i don't want to say disability) so well. It gave me a lot of insights to the life of a blind person"
"I love how Logan's character is developing. As well as Lilly's. As the chapters progress, I feel like I'm getting to know them more and more as if they were real persons."
"Logan is so mean :( he broke my heart too just as he did Lilly's."
"So much drama-I love it! I'm itching not to scroll to the ending to see how the chapter will end."
"When will these cross-purposes end? Ack. So excited. I know I have school work to do, but another chapter wouldn't hurt . . ."
"I LOVE THIS STORY! Ended just right. Gave that wonderful, warm reading afterglow."
Thank you for posting such a beautiful story on FP. Not only is the plot nice, but your writing executed it perfectly. I'm so happy to have read this. I'm not surprised that you are now a published author. Congratulations and good luck to your future endeavors :)
Love, love, love,
L.C.
6/16/2012 c26 10DreamsOnlyLastForTheNight
I read this entire story in one night. And I loved how strong Lilly was through everything and how she refused to take all the crap that was thrown at her.
Anyway, that's not the real reason I wanted to write a review. A couple of days ago I went to the library and checked out your book Ripple. I haven't gotten a chance to read it yet, but it's crazy to think that someone who started out on FictionPress actually has books out on shelves! It made me proud, and it gave me hope that maybe I will have books sitting on bookshelves someday too! :)
10DreamsOnlyLastForTheNightI read this entire story in one night. And I loved how strong Lilly was through everything and how she refused to take all the crap that was thrown at her.
Anyway, that's not the real reason I wanted to write a review. A couple of days ago I went to the library and checked out your book Ripple. I haven't gotten a chance to read it yet, but it's crazy to think that someone who started out on FictionPress actually has books out on shelves! It made me proud, and it gave me hope that maybe I will have books sitting on bookshelves someday too! :)
5/26/2012 c26 The Quotidian Life
You've crafted this story terrifically! I love how everything ended up and your writing style, however you may want to research the context a bit more, especially the language they spoke. It was more complex without as much jargon then than now.
Cheers
You've crafted this story terrifically! I love how everything ended up and your writing style, however you may want to research the context a bit more, especially the language they spoke. It was more complex without as much jargon then than now.
Cheers
4/12/2012 c26 visaga
Awwww the story's done already! I gotta admit that I'm not even a teen yet so I was kinda surprised when I realized this was mature... but by then I was just too hooked! I skipped the yucky parts, sorry! Too bad Lillian didn't get her vision back, but if she did that would be too unrealistic and offensive to blind ppl? maybe? anyhow I really REALLY 3 it! Thanks for the great read!
Awwww the story's done already! I gotta admit that I'm not even a teen yet so I was kinda surprised when I realized this was mature... but by then I was just too hooked! I skipped the yucky parts, sorry! Too bad Lillian didn't get her vision back, but if she did that would be too unrealistic and offensive to blind ppl? maybe? anyhow I really REALLY 3 it! Thanks for the great read!
3/22/2012 c21 2KarmaHope
I must admit that I am addicted to this story, however it is now midnight and I must stop for the time being. :'(
Until tomorrow!
2KarmaHopeI must admit that I am addicted to this story, however it is now midnight and I must stop for the time being. :'(
Until tomorrow!
3/4/2012 c1 abski
i always find myself returning to this story again and again. it think it's a testament of how beautiful the story is. i love it!
i always find myself returning to this story again and again. it think it's a testament of how beautiful the story is. i love it!