for Harlem Memoirs7/9/2005 c1 Gaelic knight
good poem.If you do not remember I wrote the poem london parade.hopefully you did.I'm not from london I'm actually from New Jersey, and mother and father drove a bus there every day.I also wrote about the 9/11 attacks in another poem called nine eleven.I'm not from the U.k. but my dads from london.but other than that great story I lived in the ghetto so good job.
Gaelic knight
good poem.If you do not remember I wrote the poem london parade.hopefully you did.I'm not from london I'm actually from New Jersey, and mother and father drove a bus there every day.I also wrote about the 9/11 attacks in another poem called nine eleven.I'm not from the U.k. but my dads from london.but other than that great story I lived in the ghetto so good job.
Gaelic knight
4/20/2005 c1 
9Jax Malcolm
First off, a few comments on formatting:
1. If you're going to credit, you're probably better off doing so in an author's note either before or after the story. (If you're going for a novel, you can actually add credits in an acknowledgement installment at the end of the story once you're ready to publish.) Doing it right smack in the middle of your text breaks the mood and forces your reader to pause and recover after getting smacked with an author's note. (Sorry if that sounded harsh, but that's pretty much what the copyright line IS - the equivalent to an A/N interruption in a fanfiction.)
2. I know it's not your fault, but you might want to go back and edit the second half of this chapter. Looks like FictionPress ate your formatting. (Either that, or my browser needs to be refreshed a few more times.)
That said, onto the story.
The first paragraph might be better broken up into two: one to house what Deshaun says and another to house a description of him.
There's grammatical mistakes here and there, which leads me to my next piece of advice: beta readers. I'm sure you've heard of them by now, so all I can say is it doesn't hurt to find one. (I use a few myself. They really help to improve my writing by looking at it with an objective eye and pointing out which parts I could improve and where I screwed up.)
There's also some points where you accidentally switch tenses. (For example, after Deshaun sings, the narrator says, "I AM blown away.") It's probably a habit, hence why I still say beta readers may be something you'll want to think about.
The story, of course, is good thus far. You're very descriptive, and you take time to describe your characters and where they came from. Though you're taking it slow, it's a good slow, especially for exposition. You're probably the first young teen (as in, fifteen or younger) who actually bothered with the exposition and did it DECENTLY. (That, of course, means double points for you.)
So, really, just a little tweaking here and there, and this will be good enough for my favorites. Keep working on it.
9Jax MalcolmFirst off, a few comments on formatting:
1. If you're going to credit, you're probably better off doing so in an author's note either before or after the story. (If you're going for a novel, you can actually add credits in an acknowledgement installment at the end of the story once you're ready to publish.) Doing it right smack in the middle of your text breaks the mood and forces your reader to pause and recover after getting smacked with an author's note. (Sorry if that sounded harsh, but that's pretty much what the copyright line IS - the equivalent to an A/N interruption in a fanfiction.)
2. I know it's not your fault, but you might want to go back and edit the second half of this chapter. Looks like FictionPress ate your formatting. (Either that, or my browser needs to be refreshed a few more times.)
That said, onto the story.
The first paragraph might be better broken up into two: one to house what Deshaun says and another to house a description of him.
There's grammatical mistakes here and there, which leads me to my next piece of advice: beta readers. I'm sure you've heard of them by now, so all I can say is it doesn't hurt to find one. (I use a few myself. They really help to improve my writing by looking at it with an objective eye and pointing out which parts I could improve and where I screwed up.)
There's also some points where you accidentally switch tenses. (For example, after Deshaun sings, the narrator says, "I AM blown away.") It's probably a habit, hence why I still say beta readers may be something you'll want to think about.
The story, of course, is good thus far. You're very descriptive, and you take time to describe your characters and where they came from. Though you're taking it slow, it's a good slow, especially for exposition. You're probably the first young teen (as in, fifteen or younger) who actually bothered with the exposition and did it DECENTLY. (That, of course, means double points for you.)
So, really, just a little tweaking here and there, and this will be good enough for my favorites. Keep working on it.
4/17/2005 c1 3Amaroq4
Wow... this story is by far one of the most interesting, insightful, and relatable (to me at least!) I've EVER read! I really like how Deshaun and Shay seem to be best friends, but also seem to be such opposites! Please update this soon!
(By the way, this story is the FIRST one to be added to my Favorites list!)
3Amaroq4Wow... this story is by far one of the most interesting, insightful, and relatable (to me at least!) I've EVER read! I really like how Deshaun and Shay seem to be best friends, but also seem to be such opposites! Please update this soon!
(By the way, this story is the FIRST one to be added to my Favorites list!)