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6/17/2005 c1 6Gilee7
I originally figured that Jonathan was like coming to take her with him, that she was about to die and join him in the afterworld. You went for a happier ending though, personally I prefer the sadder ones. There were quite a few mistakes in your story, missing words and whatnot. I also noticed that many sentences read very awkwardly, and should definitely be re-worded differently so they won't lose their true meaning. Take this sentence for example: "Hearing her name once more come from his lips made her grip the counter edge before she fainted." When I first read that sentence, I thought it was telling me she gripped the counter edge and, right after that, she fainted. But that's not what you meant. It would have been better if you had written " . . . made her have to grip the counter edge to keep herself from fainting." At least that way the reader won't be confused. There are many other sentences like that in the story. Also I felt like we should've been scared when she was first inspecting the noise downstairs, but I wasn't. You should've shown more of what was going on inside her head and what exactly she was thinking. You could've drawn out the suspense quite a bit more. When Jonathan (who is only a creepy shadowed man at that point) is walking towards her, you write about him making no sound, not even muffled footsteps on the carpet; then you go on to say that she paid no attention to the sound. You said there was no sound! Of course she isn't paying attention to it. But also, in that moment, it would be the perfect time to describe the loud drumming of her heart, which only beats faster and faster with each step the man takes toward her. You need more things like that to really portray the situation and the feelings felt by the characters. I thought the last part with the guy coming up to her in the library and being like "oh, do you read mystery novels too?" was just way cliche. Doesn't that happen in like every Fox Family movie? I sound like I'm putting down on your story. I'm not. It's alright, I somewhat enjoyed it, I was just dissapointed with it. It had potential but it failed. Still though, it's not too shabby. It's certainly better than most stuff on this site.
3/15/2005 c1 150SpawnMeister666
I think the only two things I have to say about this story are 'AWESOME' and 'FAVORITES LIST'

Anything else would just be overdoing things!

Spawny

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