for The book of Marina6/23/2005 c1 
25Risto
nice setting, plot... don't even have to mention errors do i? lol... mebe prolong her saying that she should be on land... u know.. have her hesitate and not say ne thing... i guess that's typical but hey.. it makes a book longer :P but i do love the setting and plot :)
25Ristonice setting, plot... don't even have to mention errors do i? lol... mebe prolong her saying that she should be on land... u know.. have her hesitate and not say ne thing... i guess that's typical but hey.. it makes a book longer :P but i do love the setting and plot :)
4/7/2005 c1 5Jessica Tudor
Interesting spin. Some grammar/formatting/spelling errors, but not bad. I agree with Xavier Everett, watch how descriptive you get, particularly since you're writing in first person. People don't tend to talk like that. Also, having Dane say "we have black hair and tan skin," that line is awkward because no one would actually say it. You should find a different way of saying that Marina is "different." Good luck and keep writing!
5Jessica TudorInteresting spin. Some grammar/formatting/spelling errors, but not bad. I agree with Xavier Everett, watch how descriptive you get, particularly since you're writing in first person. People don't tend to talk like that. Also, having Dane say "we have black hair and tan skin," that line is awkward because no one would actually say it. You should find a different way of saying that Marina is "different." Good luck and keep writing!
4/4/2005 c1 34Ethereal Kisses
Hi again, I'm sorry this review is so late especially when you left such a nice review last time.
This story is very good, apart from the spacing but that isnt your fault. I like the way you've explained and built up your character without going into too much detail. I'm rather confused though: at the end, Marina says "Please don't me at me." Is this a mistype?
Anyway, apart from that, fantastic. Keep it up!
~ Ethereal Kisses ~
34Ethereal KissesHi again, I'm sorry this review is so late especially when you left such a nice review last time.
This story is very good, apart from the spacing but that isnt your fault. I like the way you've explained and built up your character without going into too much detail. I'm rather confused though: at the end, Marina says "Please don't me at me." Is this a mistype?
Anyway, apart from that, fantastic. Keep it up!
~ Ethereal Kisses ~
3/29/2005 c1 ChristianGeekGuy
Interesting start. One issue I noticed is that you switch from present to past tense - try to make it uniform. Good luck and keep writing.
Interesting start. One issue I noticed is that you switch from present to past tense - try to make it uniform. Good luck and keep writing.
3/15/2005 c1 35Nadja the Weird
I like this story...I tried writing something about mermaids once, but it never got out of my head and into the computer. I'd encourage you to continue it! You have a good strong start that grabs the attention of the reader, I'd like to hear more of it.
Off topic (slightly): Thank you for reviewing Dancing in the Shadows. I have not heard of Daughters of the Moon, sounds intruiging (and also emphasizes my belief that humans are incapable of thinking original thoughts). I'll have to look that up. I noticed in your profile that you like Tamora Peirce, how cool! I love the Song of the Lioness Quartet. Thanks again.
*Nadja*
35Nadja the WeirdI like this story...I tried writing something about mermaids once, but it never got out of my head and into the computer. I'd encourage you to continue it! You have a good strong start that grabs the attention of the reader, I'd like to hear more of it.
Off topic (slightly): Thank you for reviewing Dancing in the Shadows. I have not heard of Daughters of the Moon, sounds intruiging (and also emphasizes my belief that humans are incapable of thinking original thoughts). I'll have to look that up. I noticed in your profile that you like Tamora Peirce, how cool! I love the Song of the Lioness Quartet. Thanks again.
*Nadja*
3/11/2005 c1 Xavier Everett
This is quite good.Making each piece of dialoge a new line would make it infinitely more easy to read, though.There are some good lines - "the stars have never been so vainly blunt" - but there are also a lot of typographical and grammatical errors that need sorting out. Also, you might try not to rely on adjectives and description so much. If you over-describe or use descriptions that are too cliched or obvious, the story seems to lack something, I feel. However, that's just my opinion.Keep going with this: I'm interested to see where it goes.
Xavier
This is quite good.Making each piece of dialoge a new line would make it infinitely more easy to read, though.There are some good lines - "the stars have never been so vainly blunt" - but there are also a lot of typographical and grammatical errors that need sorting out. Also, you might try not to rely on adjectives and description so much. If you over-describe or use descriptions that are too cliched or obvious, the story seems to lack something, I feel. However, that's just my opinion.Keep going with this: I'm interested to see where it goes.
Xavier
3/11/2005 c1 S.S. Dailey
Interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next. Well, as I say to everyone, update soon. Please, and thank you.
Interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next. Well, as I say to everyone, update soon. Please, and thank you.
3/10/2005 c1 11la faye
goog so far you ought to put it in a way thats sorta past tense like instead of "I can see the outline of my den" you should put "I could see the outline of my den"Do you understand? Put it almost as if the mermaid was telling the tale after it happened.But I love how detaled it is!
11la fayegoog so far you ought to put it in a way thats sorta past tense like instead of "I can see the outline of my den" you should put "I could see the outline of my den"Do you understand? Put it almost as if the mermaid was telling the tale after it happened.But I love how detaled it is!
3/9/2005 c1 3Blah246
This is really good. I like it, especially your imagery and the way you describe what happened around her. The only thing I would suggest you change is that you separate the dialogue from the main paragraphs, makes it easier to distinguish what they’re saying and what is being narrated. This is a good start and I look forward to reading more and seeing where you take this.
3Blah246This is really good. I like it, especially your imagery and the way you describe what happened around her. The only thing I would suggest you change is that you separate the dialogue from the main paragraphs, makes it easier to distinguish what they’re saying and what is being narrated. This is a good start and I look forward to reading more and seeing where you take this.
3/9/2005 c1 1Evan Jameson
I really like the way you chose to start the story with Mariana listening to the stars who are singing to her. I thought that really helped to develop what kind of a character Mariana is. That was excellently done. Your descriptions are very vibrant and engaging. You're very good at painting a setting in the reader's eyes. Also I felt that the chemistry between Mariana and Dane was very real. Their thoughts are very true and realistic, bringing the readers right there into the story. Overall, I really enjoyed this. Please post some more chapters soon!
1Evan JamesonI really like the way you chose to start the story with Mariana listening to the stars who are singing to her. I thought that really helped to develop what kind of a character Mariana is. That was excellently done. Your descriptions are very vibrant and engaging. You're very good at painting a setting in the reader's eyes. Also I felt that the chemistry between Mariana and Dane was very real. Their thoughts are very true and realistic, bringing the readers right there into the story. Overall, I really enjoyed this. Please post some more chapters soon!
3/9/2005 c1 7gingerbeer
Beeautiful! :) First thing that hit me was your beautiful language. There are typos in a few places, but overall I can feel the quiet contemplation of the Mermaid. Your descriptions are not overdone at all-big big plus! This, for example, was short and sweet: "the ocean waves are tired."
I think it would look even better if you could describe Dane's sad look, rather than just saying he's sad. There are some places where you could "show" the emotion without saying it, like you did with Dane's bewildered gesturing to the ocean. That was good!
I'm kinda curious... what does it look and sound like when two mermaids are talking to each other? Telepathy? Hand signs?
This is definitely only IMO: people usually take background info, like political situations, more easily when it's being spoken, acted out. Like, would you rather read the scrolling Star Wars intro or see it displayed in the action? Totally IMO, though.
Good job! I can't wait for the next chapter!
7gingerbeerBeeautiful! :) First thing that hit me was your beautiful language. There are typos in a few places, but overall I can feel the quiet contemplation of the Mermaid. Your descriptions are not overdone at all-big big plus! This, for example, was short and sweet: "the ocean waves are tired."
I think it would look even better if you could describe Dane's sad look, rather than just saying he's sad. There are some places where you could "show" the emotion without saying it, like you did with Dane's bewildered gesturing to the ocean. That was good!
I'm kinda curious... what does it look and sound like when two mermaids are talking to each other? Telepathy? Hand signs?
This is definitely only IMO: people usually take background info, like political situations, more easily when it's being spoken, acted out. Like, would you rather read the scrolling Star Wars intro or see it displayed in the action? Totally IMO, though.
Good job! I can't wait for the next chapter!
3/9/2005 c1 4Kusco1
Okay...kind of weird. I just reviewed this story and now it's just barely appearing. So I guess that I'll review again. If by any chance you did get this review already, just ignore anything that is stuff I already said.
Anyway it's cool to see another saint here at fictionpress. Your poem's and this story are excellent, you do wonderful with your descripitions and I gotta say that the whole spiel about the war with the sharks coming in is incredibly vivid. I also like how you've given your character's a different flare than "The little Mermaid" it would just be too easy to do just another "I want to be human" story but you actually maker her not want it.Good stuff Keep it up!
4Kusco1Okay...kind of weird. I just reviewed this story and now it's just barely appearing. So I guess that I'll review again. If by any chance you did get this review already, just ignore anything that is stuff I already said.
Anyway it's cool to see another saint here at fictionpress. Your poem's and this story are excellent, you do wonderful with your descripitions and I gotta say that the whole spiel about the war with the sharks coming in is incredibly vivid. I also like how you've given your character's a different flare than "The little Mermaid" it would just be too easy to do just another "I want to be human" story but you actually maker her not want it.Good stuff Keep it up!