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for The Tale of VaynMacc: Crusader's Birth

7/15/2005 c1 1Mystic Mr. Mirroristic
I thought it was a very well written and well thought out intro to this story. I have one thing to point out though:I enjoyed reading VaynVim's descriptions as he was growing up and becoming deceitful and so on, but now I sort of feel more connected to him than the obvious main character. I felt as if there should be some more detailed description of VaynMacc. Perhaps I can expect that in the first chapter.

Anyways, I thought that it was overall a good start to what looks like a good story.

PS: Thank you for all of your great reviews to some of my stories!
3/26/2005 c2 3BladeoftheAccursed
Every honorable character could use a little 'dark side', with VaynMacc's temper tantrum, you showed his perfectly. This was fairly well written, kindly update soon, and do not keep me waiting.
3/21/2005 c2 4Food For Thought
Here's some Food For Thought:

First and foremost, I have to commend you for trying your hand at fantasy fiction. It can be a grueling and difficult process but the rewards are great when completed the right way. But, enough with the "congrats", I noticed something when I read this story ...and it disturbed me a bit. Don't worry, it's nothing that hard work (and a little "elbow grease") can't fix. It's time that I share some vital information with you. (Note: I wanted to e-mail this to you, as not to post too much of the story in the review section, but I do not have access to "hotmail". So please, forgive me. I'll try to remain as discreet as possible.)

You wrote:

"As the two brothers aged and matured, it became quite obvious that the older brother was, by far, the greater. At the young age of ten-and-four his wisdom and intellect matched that of the elder sages and counselors..."

"In hunting, the Dark Crusader could slip from one shadow to the next, making no more noise than a still breeze, and get within touching distance of his target without it having any knowledge of his presence; yet even with his abilities in stealth, it was said that he would oft shoot an arrow from over four-hundred yards away, and never fail to hit his target."

"In matters of the arts, it was said that the elder brother had a voice that would charm the birds from their trees, and skill with the brush to capture their full beauty; He would write poetry, and no maiden who heard could bring herself to dislike it."

"Though his form was well toned and slim, the weight of his accessories and the make of his boots would’ve made it impossible for any normal man to manage. Yet manage he did."

"The target was a veritable giant of a man, finding him was, in fact, an easy thing to do. It was crossing the room and catching him that might prove difficult.

But it was a simple matter for this hunter."

"Thought of the Day":

Now, VaynMacc seems like a character that I wouldn't want any of MY characters fighting against. He's as swift as the shadows, lethal with the bow, wise as the oldest sages and has a feared reputation to boot. The weight of the "Silversteel" in his armor doesn't get in the way of his perfection, and for that, it makes him that much stronger. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it seems that VaynMacc is what we "fictionpress writers" call a "Mary Sue" (or "Harry Sue" for the gender-specific). HE IS PERFECT, which is bad for your story. Because he's on such a high pedestal, it will be difficult for readers to relate to him ...pity him when he needs to be pitied, or to cheer with him when he does something triumphant. So basically, give him some flaws, man! Maybe, VaynMacc SHOULD BE affected by the weight of the Silversteel and thus, move more sluggishly as opposed to with the "swift stealth of the shadows". It's difficult enough to move that quickly and silently WITHOUT any heavy armor, how are readers going to believe that he can do it WITH the armor? Flaws are an essential (and fun) part in the creation of your characters. Play with some ideas and see what you come up with, then try them out. Trust me, the story will get much more interesting to the reader, writer and characters. In my view, VaynVim is a much more interesting character than VaynMacc BECAUSE of his flaws. You have to make sure that VaynMacc gets the attention that he deserves ...so give him a flaw, or flaws.

"Final Thoughts":

I highly suggest that you read Jetso's Column (in the COLUMN SECTION), "The Way Words Flow" if you haven't already. It's extremely helpful, especially with character development.

** This message has been made possible by a grant from the Xantek Corporation. **
3/21/2005 c2 31Shadow Gryphon
Oh... Touchy temper, no? Well, I don't think I could blame him for not liking his brother. I doubt that I would, either.

I thought that he left behind his rank when he became a knight. So then how would he be able to commend Mathew Miller?

Please update soon. This is very, very good.

3/21/2005 c1 Shadow Gryphon
*cocks head to one side* Oh? This a a very, very interesting way of introducing a story - sorty of like a bardic introduction to a song or tale. Very well written, too. You can really understand the two brothers. (Thought I must admit that it was a bit tactless to name the younger brother Fearful)

You did make one mistake... In the 10th paragraph, when you're explaining the younger's name, you call him VaynVimm, rather than VaynVim. Easy mistake, just thought I'd point it out.

On to the next chapter!

3/19/2005 c1 6Petit Poisson
Super cool. I loved the part comparing the younger brother to the older one, it shows that VaynVim has somewhat of a reason to hate his brother. I say POST POST POST!

3/19/2005 c2 Arkash
Very nice, indeed. You have full rounded characters, good dialogues, and a great story line. Your style is impeccable, and I also like the litlle bit of humor.Update soon.

P.S. Thanks for pointing out the errors in "Tournament of Deceit"
3/19/2005 c1 Arkash
Has the potential to become a great story. Hatred has the ability co conjure a good plot.I like your style.

P.S.I guess the honor of the honorboundknight does not extend to reviewing back.
3/15/2005 c1 5Mettalic darkness
...Different. Not as good as the Timelines thing but still original. I'd advise you to update pretty soon. By the way... Am I on your author alert? I'd advise you to put me on it if I'm not. You'll know when I've updated or not.

PS: There is a very small amount of reviews in your stories. Can I get them known for you. If you want... If you don't want me to though I won't. It's your desision. I'm willing to though. You're stories are class.

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