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1/14/2007 c2 4Autoro
You really need to spellcheck this story. I had trouble reading it, what with all the misspelled words. It's a good start, though.

Chapter 1: Why do the guards just throw him out of the city? Wouldn't they jail him or make him pay for the fruit?

Chapter 2: Jack was going to hide, then just decided not to? This makes no sense. If he was scared by the snapping twig, wouldn't he at least find a hiding place to rest in? And if the Rangers were after Mosira, wouldn't they have caught up by now? Maybe that's next chapter, but I assumed that it was a Ranger who snapped the twig? Also, if Mosira is the heir's daughter, wouldn't she be wearing fancy cloths? You don't have to say as much when talking about her, but Jack would notice something like that.

PS: Earthsong is right, Jack is stupid.
3/15/2005 c1 11Earthsong12
Interesting...I have a complaint about you, miss queenie: Often I'll point out an obvious typo but it stays unchanged. So here's an idea: I gove you cc, and until you a) change your story or b) tell me why you disagree with it, I'm not reviewing other chappies. Cause if you're ignoring my comments, I'm not gonna even give them. Capische? Sorry if I sound mean. Anyway, here're my comments:

p3: you have two "she did this, doing this" type sentences in a row and it reads funny.

p's 5 and 7: I think the tags "flashback" and "end flashback" are unecessary. They break up the flow of the words, and also they show that you think your readers can't figure out what a flashback is. I assume that you don't think that, but the tags make it seem like you do.

p6: You have "nlife" instead of "life".

p8: "thoughts", not "thoughta". Also, saying his "thoughts wouldn't refrain from thinking about his parents" is odd, because his thoughts aren't thinking, he is. Try "focusing" or similar instead of "thinking". And the "he was 18 for the Dragon's sake!" bit is confusing - a tag like this should be explaining or emphasizing what you said in the begining of the sentence, not contradicting it. I think you want to include something like "his thoughts annoyed him by..."

p9: Find a synonym for your second use of "port". Also, i wouldn't put a dash after beggars, I would just make a new sentence, because it really is a seperate idea.

Whoa Jack is dumb. ^_~ Okay, intruguing, write more, bye!~earthie

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