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for A vampire's Heaven, A Vampire's Hell

11/24/2005 c2 5Darwin
Hello, Back again! Thanks for the reviews so far on OH...I'm glad that you are liking the slightly twisted take on vampires.

"Well(I would drop this 'well' and just start with So) so you are the great Kaji Ky. The vampire who slaughtered millions just for pleasureable blood. The one who rediscovered the secrets lost by vampires. The one who even challenged the heavenly army. The one who even dared to challenge the arch angel Raphael. Who fell in love with an angel betraying her family and race.”

"The one" is used a lot in this paragraph. You could solve this by hyphenating or combining two or more sentences that have the same incredulous taunting feel to them. Something like: "The vampire who slaughtered millions just for pleasureable blood and rediscovered the secrets lost by vampires. The one who challenged the heavenly army, led by the Archangel Raphael. Who dared fall in love..." This rewrite would smooth the flow...

Other than that...WHOA! She fell in love with an Angel? Again I like how you are twisting this around. I haven't yet been able to predict where this storyline is going.

“I’m impressed that you know so much about me angel.” Kaji replied still holding onto the child’s clothing. “However I wouldnt pride myself on it Gaap.”

Two things here...is this a fallen angel? Or is it a demon? You've called him a demon lord, but is he not a demon? The other thing I would suggest would be to rearrange the second section of Kaji speaking, "However, Gaap, I wouldn't pride myself on it."If you want to stay with the suspense hyphenate "...on it - Gaap." It gives it a heavier emphasis and suggests a pause, especially if she is trying to shock him with her words.

“Your beauty is very unique I may even be lead (This should be "led" past tense) to pardon your sentance if you would consider becomeing the lady of my establishment.”

becomeing (becoming - no "e")

"I’d rather not be able to drink blood then ever be your mistress.” You have the incorrect version of then here (It should be than). "I knew him back then." "Rather than skulking, he stood straight and walked tall." Do you see the difference?

You should screen this very carefully, there are a lot of typos towards the end here. If you have Microsoft Word pull it over and take a look at what corrections it picks up.

I like how you are pulling from some solid historical facts here and plugging in the supernatural aspect of the story! Very well played. Some clean up will make the telling even better!

Good luck! Keep writing! I will be back!

Darwin
11/18/2005 c1 Darwin
I find it interesting that there would be such a thing as Hell for a Vampire. Quite an interesting concept, a different twist on the genre.

I like the idea very much. Your hook is good to this story, dropping your reader into the heart of the action.

"Her hair was pale from her lack of feeding. Her body was too skinny but she had feed before she was forced down here. Her body was still strong yet not as strong as it could have been."

Be careful, you have come very close to contradicting yourself in these three sentences, and I think it is due to the way the paragraph is worded.

I would suggest, "She had fed before she had been dragged to this pit, but already the strength was fading in her. She peered at her lank hair, paling the longer she went without blood, and her gaze drifted down her thinning frame."

I take it you are a fan of Dante's Inferno? It has been a long time since I have read the excerps from it (Almost twenty years) but I recognize the style of the hell you have created here.

Question - if the vampire in this story is going to hell because she slaughtered an entire village, why then would she befriend a half demon? Is is an attempt at redemption? Might want to go into this more.

Another thought is why she would submissively return to her captors after making such a spectacular escape attempt? There is a way out of this place right?

Just some things to consider. Overall a very good start to the story. I'm looking forward to reading some more.

Please don't take the crits the wrong way, I'm trying to help your writing style. It's something I do to all whom I read for (And honestly I expect the same in return).

Thank you for taking the time to read "Midnight" I appreciate the review. If you like vampire stories, I have one you might be interested in..."Only Half." Its a long one, but it is worth it if you will give it the time.

Thanks again for the review! Happy writing!

Darwin
3/19/2005 c2 4pen112
You need to use more commas and break up the sentences more. In ALL your chapters.

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