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11/27/2005 c3 10Wesley The Dark Prince
That was a long chapter. Long. Well it was nice, if I could say that. I had this real Star Trek kind of feel during the first two-thirds. Very technical and, just like Deep Space Nine (the station, not the state of the show's popularity) very troublesome. Lots of machine mess-ups and whatnot. It kinda got boring after a while, when your story shifted from narrative to instruction manual, but it was captivating enough.

I'm still a bit unnerved about the whole 'cleanliness in space' feel to the story. The sleekness and simplicity is a bit unrealistic, at least in my opinion. Personally I prefer something a bit more eclectic, but this story is so well written and manages to pull me in enough. Don't worry, I won't go about bashing your story or simply not reading it at all. I'm hooked so I might as well finish it. However, I implore you not to change the 'feel' of the story. You started out with the clean Star Trek feel and it's worked for you, changing it would be so...abrupt. Unless of course you've already finished the story, in which case I needn't worry.

Also the breifing scene seemed so...anticlimatic and, compared to the earlier part of the chapter, rather bland. I think a pinch of pizzaz in the form of drama wouldn't hurt. Maybe throw in some evil laughter or dynamic lighting. Lol, okay okay that was a joke, but you get the point. It doesn't NEED change, but some wouldn't hurt.

Good job!
11/7/2005 c2 Wesley The Dark Prince
I had a nice sized review all planned out but my computer shorted and turned off. So after I beat the heck out of it I managed to turn it back on. So even though it sounds like I didn't read this chapter, I did. I'm just too lazy and too tired to redo everything.
11/6/2005 c1 Wesley The Dark Prince
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that you're from Seattle, am I right? Either that or you know a shitload about the city.

Ah yes, glass and steel. Wonderful structures of the future, gleaming with light and those little sparkly lights that make persisten twinkly noises. I'm sure in the year 2207 everyone will love completely emotionless buildings made of steel and glass. Even fake wood adds warmth, remember that one.

(I like how the Space Needle remains in it's original spot, that's kinda cute)

It's 2247 and people are naming their children Mary and Bill? Man it's 2005 and I don't even know anybody who uses those names anymore. They're perfectly good names, but they're so 'boring.' (or whatever those trendy folk say)

Purple energy notwithstanding, the explosion sequence was nice.

The name Alistair McKenna sounds very familiar...

Maybe I shouldn't jump the gun, this is only the first chapter after all, but I thought the Savron's were the enemy? They did blow up Seattle, did they not? Why the heck are they on the train, in plain site for all to see?

The story, or at least what I've read of it, plays out more like a video game then a movie. Not that it's a bad thing, heck it wasn't even necessary I mention it in the first place, I just thought I'd say it.

There are three types of sci-fi: the Space Opera, the Technical/Cyber, and the Dystopic. The SO is low on technical wizardry and focuses on characterization and drama mainly, the T/C is the exact opposite, and the Dystopic is one that gives little to no hints that it's set in the future with the exception of a police state, billions of innocent dead, or something similarily dreary. Your story is easily classified as a T/C, and you do quite a good job with it too. You manage to describe the techinical aspect of the surroundings with relative ease and without getting too preachy. Everything seems quaint and futuristic. All is indeed good.

Overall this was a nice start to what I hope will be a good story. It was very technical, and admittedly I didn't find it that original, but hey whatever. The first chapter skipped any lengthy details and proceeded quickly to the story. I'll keep on reading, I'm hooked now!

And now for my shameless plug. If you find yourself bored one day, why not check out a couple of my stories? I could always use some C/C, simple compliments, or harsh flames. Cya!
9/20/2005 c5 622Jave Harron
So the fun begins now. Fun technology in your story. And your characters are still cool.
8/18/2005 c4 4MiroFTW
ahh finally good to see this ball ready to roll. not much to say about the chapter except that the words in capslock can be replaced with italics.

really looking foward to the next chapter.
8/8/2005 c4 622Jave Harron
This is a masterful story. You have a load of interesting characters and technologies. I'm glad you're not using energy weapons, but instead sticking with conventional bullets and missiles. I also like your small arms descriptions. Electronically launched rounds are a much more interesting weapon than lasers or beam weapons. Keep up this story.
8/8/2005 c4 14Carrollesque
Yet another fantastic chapter. The dialogue was particularly well constructed.

Keep it up.
7/30/2005 c3 4MiroFTW
yet again a nicely done chapter. the pace for the story is beginning to pick up, something that you've seem to been doing quite well with.

i don't know if i've mentioned this but your style of writing is just so much on another level, better than a lot of the other stuff on this site. i'm really interested to see where this story goes, once Eclipse takes off and such.

As far as grammar and content goes, everything was fine. a few things that popped up here and there, but nothing that can't be done away with a proper spell check / edit.

you have a great knack for describing spaceship parts, much more than I could ever possibly comprehend, but it's something that makes your writing flow so beautifully. keep it up! i'll be waiting for another chapter soon :)
5/27/2005 c2 MiroFTW
everything seems to be cruising along nicely. i loved the conversation between jenny and ben- the dialogue and characterization seemed to blend perfectly.

your grammar is impeccable here and the writing flows fluidly. i must admit, your writing is better than a lot of the other pieces i have read on this site. i'm really interested to see where this story goes. please update soon!
5/27/2005 c1 MiroFTW
interesting chapter. i can see the development of derek adams is working out quite well. your grammar is rock-solid and although there some minute errors, it can be fixed with a proper spell check. my only real gripe is with the aliens. always amazes me how people use them so that they can speak and act like normal humans. anyways, i'm not too fond of them, but you're the author. my only advice is to make them a bit more unique and not so they're the same as humans except with some minor physical differences.

all in all, a good start. and onto the next chapter.
5/25/2005 c2 14Carrollesque
It's ridiculous how much this story is being ignored. Then again, I wouldn't get discouraged. So many bloody hacks around here it's hard to find the diamonds in the rough. This chapter is even better than the last. You have a talent for character development and technological description. Very good work, I'm having a ton of fun reading this.

Keep it up.
3/19/2005 c1 Carrollesque
A good, solid story. You know your topic well and have a clear view of the technology as well as the plotline surrounding it. I strongly encourage you to continue this.

Keep it up.

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