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for Chronicles of Salianthar: Book One: Everlasting

1/4/2006 c1 12la fleur ephemeral
This is very interesting. I like this prologue. I love how you made it so no one could be born with green eyes. Well, you do hint that they can, but obviously no one in Salianthar has green eyes or has ever seen a human (or maybe another creature) with green eyes. Very intersting. though I must say that it has a hint of child-like writing, I cannot say where and I cannot say that it doesn't add to the story. It makes everything a little more magical.

This prologue ended in a way I did not like. It was too adrupt and too plain for the magic you have written. Maybe add a hint of mystery or forshadowing. Your prologue focuses on how things are, how green is a color only for the wild, how no human can never not cry, how all dragons must be born and die as humans. Maybe you could add in the last line how everything asleep must wake at one point or another?

Overall, very good. As a response to your review of Faint is the Northern Star, I must say that I thank you but am sorry to say that it will most likely not be continued. I am going through a variety of story ideas, trying to figure out a story that I like. I do recommend reading The Garden in the Glass, which will very likely be continued until it is complete. But I understand if you do not wish to read it. It is quite different from Faint is the Northern Star, despite the progress on each.

Once again, thank you and good job!
6/26/2005 c3 2Rose Jameson
So far I think that the story line is good, but it gets comfusing when u jump to charater then to a flash back then to a whole other place... Try to add a line thing like _ or * when u change to another event or person. And when u do that it well help the reader greatly, then theres some spots when u need to add more detale to it, like in the 2 chapter she looked at the guy then turned and galloped away, add on to that like with a blank stare at the man she turned quickly and walked to her horse. With out evensaying goodbye she galloped into the night. but its those little parts that make it hard to understand. You just need to go indepth with it more instead of "seeing" a point of it try to show the whole scene (if that makes sense)... I think that those 2 things are the only things that I feel are "wrong" well... not wrong just they would add to the understanding of the story. Sorry if I hurt ur feelings, I feel as if I have not at any way been negative towards you. I have just give you some nice pointers. Thank you for your time and I hope that you finish your story! I will be looking to see when the next chapter is up.
6/24/2005 c2 3HotChocolate13
Hey! You story is really awsome so far! But I was alittle lost in some parts... :-) Maybe you could make it with alittle more detale? If you don't mind... could you read my story to critic* it?HotChocolate13P.S. You story rox my sox!
6/19/2005 c1 Sweetdarts
How did you come up with this? Great climax.
4/2/2005 c2 Fluer-de-lis Evens
Great story! Are you going to update soon?

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