for Compulsion12/26/2005 c1 breezy nostrils
It's interesting so far. It's just I can't seem to get a good sense of the setting. I feel like I'm floating in midair. (Maybe you mentioned more of it in the other chapters) And you could work on your voice (you don't want all your characters sounding alike) I like the plot tho...it's different from what I normally read.
It's interesting so far. It's just I can't seem to get a good sense of the setting. I feel like I'm floating in midair. (Maybe you mentioned more of it in the other chapters) And you could work on your voice (you don't want all your characters sounding alike) I like the plot tho...it's different from what I normally read.
8/2/2005 c9 Alnitak Z Orion
Howdy,
I'm in Europe, closer to your time zone. But I'm connected by a cell phone, and it's hard to sigh in.
This chapter was very good. I liked the merciful act of Srannath, very noble for someone who's been bullying people so far.
THere are some errors: " Nothing had happened." You don't need 'had'.
"Fine," Srannath said, leaped forht with the torch first, threw the one Barktish's axe he had..." you don't need 'one'. "Suit yourself." With that, he back off..." I think you meant 'backed'.
"Bartish was standing Srannath got up as well." You left out the 'and' or the comma after standing.
Great chapter! *_*
Howdy,
I'm in Europe, closer to your time zone. But I'm connected by a cell phone, and it's hard to sigh in.
This chapter was very good. I liked the merciful act of Srannath, very noble for someone who's been bullying people so far.
THere are some errors: " Nothing had happened." You don't need 'had'.
"Fine," Srannath said, leaped forht with the torch first, threw the one Barktish's axe he had..." you don't need 'one'. "Suit yourself." With that, he back off..." I think you meant 'backed'.
"Bartish was standing Srannath got up as well." You left out the 'and' or the comma after standing.
Great chapter! *_*
6/23/2005 c8 Arkash
Interesting chapter. Some things could be explained more. Like, it might be about time that more of the past was explained. In small chunks, if nothing else.
At least this way, the suspense is building. But don't leave us dangling too long.
Good Job! *_~
Interesting chapter. Some things could be explained more. Like, it might be about time that more of the past was explained. In small chunks, if nothing else.
At least this way, the suspense is building. But don't leave us dangling too long.
Good Job! *_~
6/3/2005 c13 
1Lady-Hitokiri
What a great ending to a great story! I'm sad that it's over though. I liked the ending conversation a lot. I was surprised when Barktish was in the armor suit. I didn't expect it to be her.It was interesting though because she thought of Srannath as her brother because she loved him but he didn't love her back. Overall I think this story was very good. It had excitement and drama and other things that kept my interest. Like I said before, the only thing I think could improve is the description, but I'm sure it doesn't have to be as drawn out as I make my stories'.Anyways, I can't wait to read more of your stories. I might wait for the new one or maybe try to get into some of your previous works. Keep up the good work, Rozo! BTW, I'm still working on chapter 6. I'm a little less than a third of the way done. :P
1Lady-HitokiriWhat a great ending to a great story! I'm sad that it's over though. I liked the ending conversation a lot. I was surprised when Barktish was in the armor suit. I didn't expect it to be her.It was interesting though because she thought of Srannath as her brother because she loved him but he didn't love her back. Overall I think this story was very good. It had excitement and drama and other things that kept my interest. Like I said before, the only thing I think could improve is the description, but I'm sure it doesn't have to be as drawn out as I make my stories'.Anyways, I can't wait to read more of your stories. I might wait for the new one or maybe try to get into some of your previous works. Keep up the good work, Rozo! BTW, I'm still working on chapter 6. I'm a little less than a third of the way done. :P
6/3/2005 c13 7Alankria
Hey. Finally got round to reading all of this, so here are my thoughts.
Firstly, you have a very interesting plot here with some good twists and turns.
Secondly, however, the way you write the story isn't as good. You are obviously writing this as it comes out without much thought for the style of the writing, leading to awkward sounding sentences. You also brush over some details - more description of locations is necessary, not just a few words, and I'm interested in what Srannath's weapon was like in the fight with Barktish. The style is just a little too informal and unstructured, which is a shame because it detracts slightly from what is a very good story.
Thirdly, the question of what happened to the world in the past - the Black Day. The implication of what happened is fairly clear but it could have been developed a little more: why did it happen, who caused and it for what ends? And is this place once our world? If so, why does everyone have fantasy names?
I think some other aspects of the plot could get developed more. How Srannath and Ialin met is not explained at all, which is a definite lack. And maybe some more background to Rastna and Ateek- how did they meet?
Please don't think I'm tearing this to pieces because I don't want to come across that way. You've come up with a very interesting story and with a little work it could be really really good.
And...
I tried emailing you to reply to your reviews but the email wouldn't send. So... thanks for reviewing, for a start. I'll go back to the dialogue you critiqued and see if I can improve it, I'll let you know when I've tweaked it so you can see if I've improved it along the lines you suggested.
I found the name Nystrom with the slash through the 'o' on a CD cover of a band called, I think, 'Aqua', I liked years ago. So it is a real name.
As to the story not living up to the world... the beginning used to be much quicker/faster-paced but I changed it to give the characters more depth. Chapter 3 won't move it forward a great amount, though it sets it up for murder number three in a later chapter, but Chapter 4 will see the second murder. I'll try to update soon and let me know what you think. Thanks for being honest, I really need that kind of criticism.
I think that's all. Again, I hope I've not insulted you or hurt you in any way. I'm just giving tips for improvement.
Alankria.
7AlankriaHey. Finally got round to reading all of this, so here are my thoughts.
Firstly, you have a very interesting plot here with some good twists and turns.
Secondly, however, the way you write the story isn't as good. You are obviously writing this as it comes out without much thought for the style of the writing, leading to awkward sounding sentences. You also brush over some details - more description of locations is necessary, not just a few words, and I'm interested in what Srannath's weapon was like in the fight with Barktish. The style is just a little too informal and unstructured, which is a shame because it detracts slightly from what is a very good story.
Thirdly, the question of what happened to the world in the past - the Black Day. The implication of what happened is fairly clear but it could have been developed a little more: why did it happen, who caused and it for what ends? And is this place once our world? If so, why does everyone have fantasy names?
I think some other aspects of the plot could get developed more. How Srannath and Ialin met is not explained at all, which is a definite lack. And maybe some more background to Rastna and Ateek- how did they meet?
Please don't think I'm tearing this to pieces because I don't want to come across that way. You've come up with a very interesting story and with a little work it could be really really good.
And...
I tried emailing you to reply to your reviews but the email wouldn't send. So... thanks for reviewing, for a start. I'll go back to the dialogue you critiqued and see if I can improve it, I'll let you know when I've tweaked it so you can see if I've improved it along the lines you suggested.
I found the name Nystrom with the slash through the 'o' on a CD cover of a band called, I think, 'Aqua', I liked years ago. So it is a real name.
As to the story not living up to the world... the beginning used to be much quicker/faster-paced but I changed it to give the characters more depth. Chapter 3 won't move it forward a great amount, though it sets it up for murder number three in a later chapter, but Chapter 4 will see the second murder. I'll try to update soon and let me know what you think. Thanks for being honest, I really need that kind of criticism.
I think that's all. Again, I hope I've not insulted you or hurt you in any way. I'm just giving tips for improvement.
Alankria.
6/3/2005 c12 1Lady-Hitokiri
Oohh..I can't stand the excitement! But I don't want any of them to die...It was really brave of Barktish to go after them and help them out. I wonder what she wants with the bomb.
1Lady-HitokiriOohh..I can't stand the excitement! But I don't want any of them to die...It was really brave of Barktish to go after them and help them out. I wonder what she wants with the bomb.
6/2/2005 c7 Arkash
So, Srannath found Ialin. I like that name. At least it explains now why he was so adamant of going to the city, and why he sold out the others. It's still not an excuse.
Good Job! *_~
So, Srannath found Ialin. I like that name. At least it explains now why he was so adamant of going to the city, and why he sold out the others. It's still not an excuse.
Good Job! *_~
5/30/2005 c5 7Alankria
And the plot thickens. Most intriguing. I intend to work my way through this, the last two chapters have really made me wonder what's going on.
7AlankriaAnd the plot thickens. Most intriguing. I intend to work my way through this, the last two chapters have really made me wonder what's going on.
5/29/2005 c11 1Lady-Hitokiri
Wow, such a good chapter! It was nice having the scene where Srannath is saying the blessing. It kind of made it seem like their relationship is less hostile and a bit more friendly perhaps. I hope that Ialin lives and that all of them can get away safely. Although I'm not quite sure what'll happen.
1Lady-HitokiriWow, such a good chapter! It was nice having the scene where Srannath is saying the blessing. It kind of made it seem like their relationship is less hostile and a bit more friendly perhaps. I hope that Ialin lives and that all of them can get away safely. Although I'm not quite sure what'll happen.
5/24/2005 c6 Arkash
Ah, now the title becomes clear, I was wondering about that.
Good expression: "pregnant wrestler"
That slimy Srannath sold them out.
"...she bit her teeth together.."-it doesn't sound right.
Good job! *_~
Ah, now the title becomes clear, I was wondering about that.
Good expression: "pregnant wrestler"
That slimy Srannath sold them out.
"...she bit her teeth together.."-it doesn't sound right.
Good job! *_~
5/23/2005 c10 Lady-Hitokiri
Ooh..that was such a nice little trick that Srannath was willing to pull. If I was the Queen, I wouldn't wait to find out if he was telling the truth or not while risking blowing up the City!I felt kinda bad for Srannath, since he really had no choice because like you said, either way he'd be killed for whatever decision he chose to do.And I seriously hope that they don't kill Ialin!I love the excitement in your story. Each chapter is always great and never boring. That's one of the things I like about it. :)The next chapter of Ebbarria should be posted soon. I worked on it a lot this past weekend...I'll respond to your review in Ch5. ttyl
Ooh..that was such a nice little trick that Srannath was willing to pull. If I was the Queen, I wouldn't wait to find out if he was telling the truth or not while risking blowing up the City!I felt kinda bad for Srannath, since he really had no choice because like you said, either way he'd be killed for whatever decision he chose to do.And I seriously hope that they don't kill Ialin!I love the excitement in your story. Each chapter is always great and never boring. That's one of the things I like about it. :)The next chapter of Ebbarria should be posted soon. I worked on it a lot this past weekend...I'll respond to your review in Ch5. ttyl
5/20/2005 c9 Lady-Hitokiri
This chapter was really action-filled. It was so good to read it today...I've been having a bad week sort of so this helped cheer me up...even though it was dark and Srannath just killed Prince...But I enjoyed that very much^^ I hope to read the next chapter soon. I'll find the time. It doesn't take too long...Anyway, I was very surprised that he went back to help Barktish, but his reason for doing so is understandable. Great job!
This chapter was really action-filled. It was so good to read it today...I've been having a bad week sort of so this helped cheer me up...even though it was dark and Srannath just killed Prince...But I enjoyed that very much^^ I hope to read the next chapter soon. I'll find the time. It doesn't take too long...Anyway, I was very surprised that he went back to help Barktish, but his reason for doing so is understandable. Great job!
5/16/2005 c3 7Alankria
An interesting story. Your seemingly post-apocalyptic world reminds me of John Wyndham's book 'The Chrysallids', which is set in a post-apocalyptic world. If you haven't read it you should, it's very good. Also read 'The Day of the Triffids' if you haven't, another good book.
As to your story... Interesting. I will read more, though it's a lot to read in one go. I'm interested in this Black Day, and also in the City and exactly what's happening to Srannath.
7AlankriaAn interesting story. Your seemingly post-apocalyptic world reminds me of John Wyndham's book 'The Chrysallids', which is set in a post-apocalyptic world. If you haven't read it you should, it's very good. Also read 'The Day of the Triffids' if you haven't, another good book.
As to your story... Interesting. I will read more, though it's a lot to read in one go. I'm interested in this Black Day, and also in the City and exactly what's happening to Srannath.
5/16/2005 c5 Arkash
We see more action and surprises. And the suspense is good
In the 1st dialogue tag, ...Srannath said. he... either put a comma, or capitalize He.
..."I see your sister is not as dear to your... should be ..you.
And when Ateek speaks to Srannath, you slip into her POV when you show what she's thinking. The rule is: One POV per chapter, or scene.
I like the new developments, and Srannath's secrets. Wondering whether he's one of the good guys. *_~
P.S.I've been looking for you on IM. "Quest" was accepted by a publisher and will come out in about 8 monts. I will put all my FP reviewers into the acknowledgement of the book. Check out my WS. with your music.
We see more action and surprises. And the suspense is good
In the 1st dialogue tag, ...Srannath said. he... either put a comma, or capitalize He.
..."I see your sister is not as dear to your... should be ..you.
And when Ateek speaks to Srannath, you slip into her POV when you show what she's thinking. The rule is: One POV per chapter, or scene.
I like the new developments, and Srannath's secrets. Wondering whether he's one of the good guys. *_~
P.S.I've been looking for you on IM. "Quest" was accepted by a publisher and will come out in about 8 monts. I will put all my FP reviewers into the acknowledgement of the book. Check out my WS. with your music.
5/13/2005 c8 1Lady-Hitokiri
Another nice chapter. Ah, so Barktish had a crush...er, obsession, on Srannath...interesting. I'm anxious to see how this whole 'battle thing' will play out. Hopefully they won't have to be sacrificed!This chapter was pretty suspenseful. I really enjoyed it. I especially liked the line Isalak said: 'There isn't much of it to kick'. That part was funny. I'll respond to your review for Ebbarria in the next chapter, which should be up in a few days. I've been kinda slow, but I'm getting there. ^^'
1Lady-HitokiriAnother nice chapter. Ah, so Barktish had a crush...er, obsession, on Srannath...interesting. I'm anxious to see how this whole 'battle thing' will play out. Hopefully they won't have to be sacrificed!This chapter was pretty suspenseful. I really enjoyed it. I especially liked the line Isalak said: 'There isn't much of it to kick'. That part was funny. I'll respond to your review for Ebbarria in the next chapter, which should be up in a few days. I've been kinda slow, but I'm getting there. ^^'