Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Trappers of Souls

1/10/2006 c1 100Gabriel Lyman
Demons stealing souls *calls a priest...no wait, i can do exorcisms better. *yanks demon out and beats it*

heh. Nice work deep and powerful
9/19/2005 c1 39Moppish
Hah, okay I like this. I see you like writing dark pieces. I like how you manage to rhyme three or four lines at a time and don't worry too much about rhythm, especially with the extra long lines. I like that freedom.

Nice word choice in the first three lines.

"Better run far out now,

They’ll chase you like a cow,

But there is no way out," Yeah that could be way better. Out doesn't rhyme with anything. And the second line doesn't work for two reasons. 1. The emphasis is on the last word, whereas the emphasis is on the second to last word in the line before, that it's rhyming with, and 2. the word "cow" is extremely out of place in this poem.

"Ignorant how your soul will be taken and stolen and broke?" BAD GRAMMAR! ahem. sorry. Notice how "taken" and "stolen" are all in the "en" ending form? Broken should be too, and the reason you don't do that is because it rhymes with "joke" so think of a different rhyme.

"To escape your soul tries," I had to read this like three times before I understood what you were saying. Maybe replace it with something with the word "lies" or "rise"?

"Through the soul they impale,

As they listen as it wails," Oh wow I loved this bit so much.

"Silently and stealthily they sneak from behind in a scream," It's hard to sneak if you're not behind. I would recommend shortening this to "silently and stealthily they sneak in a scream" because rhythmically it works a little better, and it's less awkward.

"They are pulling you down,

Your soul shall be sucked down," I think that unless you do something rhythmically interesting with this, having the same rhyme twice doesn't work."In darkness it will drown,

With its foreboding frown," But I liked that."In torment and pain you now realize the danger’s now real,

Torn and downtrodden you’re dragged by the demons into the corridors into the dark pits of steel," That's a great image.

"For your soul it’s too late,

For you it’s far too late," Again, the same rhyme. I think that the first line is enough. Or else, switch the third and the second line.

Cool silently humerous in a really creepy way ending. This is an awesome and unusual poem. It could be really good.
4/7/2005 c1 3somefreakylooknchick
this is kind of cute.. I know it's totally weird to call this poem cute, but"chase you like a cow" ?lolNice imagery

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service