for Shattered Beliefs5/24/2005 c4 
3Anamania
I finally got around to reading this. Wow, it's such a sad ending hey. It's good though, because there's finality, but you could also continue it if you wanted to, which is the way most spec fic novels I've read end.There was just one thing I found that didn't quite work, in Section 2, Justin finds out he is a clone and thinks "everything about clones is unnatural". It just seems weird having that one sentence in present tone. Other than that it's great!
3AnamaniaI finally got around to reading this. Wow, it's such a sad ending hey. It's good though, because there's finality, but you could also continue it if you wanted to, which is the way most spec fic novels I've read end.There was just one thing I found that didn't quite work, in Section 2, Justin finds out he is a clone and thinks "everything about clones is unnatural". It just seems weird having that one sentence in present tone. Other than that it's great!
4/17/2005 c4 Bish
Aw, that was really sad. I wasnt expecting her to die! This is a really good story! Especially the way you explained her sudden death. It makes sense.
Aw, that was really sad. I wasnt expecting her to die! This is a really good story! Especially the way you explained her sudden death. It makes sense.
4/17/2005 c2 Bish
Another well written chapter. I like the way you have the different points of view of Leala and Justin.In the last line, I think the comma should be after 'say' and not 'so'.Other than that, it was great!
Another well written chapter. I like the way you have the different points of view of Leala and Justin.In the last line, I think the comma should be after 'say' and not 'so'.Other than that, it was great!
4/17/2005 c1 Bish
This is a really good story! I like the way you explained how all the gases and stuff had created the changes. It sounds very real. But I'm confused about the girls. For example, why did Senator Lynch take them to Zone E? Were they working for him? I think you may have forgotten to mention that...Or maybe I dont get things easily. :)I love the name Team JINX!
PS-Thankyou so much for reviewing my story!
This is a really good story! I like the way you explained how all the gases and stuff had created the changes. It sounds very real. But I'm confused about the girls. For example, why did Senator Lynch take them to Zone E? Were they working for him? I think you may have forgotten to mention that...Or maybe I dont get things easily. :)I love the name Team JINX!
PS-Thankyou so much for reviewing my story!
4/14/2005 c5 Arkash
Oh, I was hoping for another chapter, even though on hindsight I should've realized it was over when Leala died.
So, if you added an explanation of why she died, I'll go back and re-read.
Great job, I hope you get a good mark!
Oh, I was hoping for another chapter, even though on hindsight I should've realized it was over when Leala died.
So, if you added an explanation of why she died, I'll go back and re-read.
Great job, I hope you get a good mark!
4/14/2005 c4 Arkash
Oh, gosh, this is great. I was actually crying. Me, a grown woman, lol.
Thanks for sharing this great story!
I've found nothing here to improve.
Great job!
Oh, gosh, this is great. I was actually crying. Me, a grown woman, lol.
Thanks for sharing this great story!
I've found nothing here to improve.
Great job!
4/14/2005 c3 Arkash
Fantastic chapter!
This is so moving with all the human emotions. Leala is endearint the way she protects Nina.
Great job!
Improvements: '... smile consentingly,' may sound better: smiled with consent.
'... escape root.' Did you mean escape route?
Fantastic chapter!
This is so moving with all the human emotions. Leala is endearint the way she protects Nina.
Great job!
Improvements: '... smile consentingly,' may sound better: smiled with consent.
'... escape root.' Did you mean escape route?
4/14/2005 c2 Arkash
Indeed, I've enjoyed it. This is an excellent piece of fic.
I like the way you portrayed Justin even before he learns that he's a clone. He has conscience.
You handle description and characterization well, and you have an insight about human emotions.
Great Job!
Here are some areas where I think you might consider improvements: The first paragraph you use more likely, and unlikely. It is good as it is, but perhaps you might want to change one of them.
'The broken door... may sound better if you change to 'A broken door...
Justin's mind boggled, but he hid his confusion from his face. I don't think 'from his face.' is necessary Or if you want to be more thorough, perhaps like this: 'Justin't mind boggled, but he hid his confusion behind a stern expression. or: behind a stern mask. or: but he covered his confusion with a loud snort.
P.S. Thanks for catching the tense errors, that't my weakness.
Indeed, I've enjoyed it. This is an excellent piece of fic.
I like the way you portrayed Justin even before he learns that he's a clone. He has conscience.
You handle description and characterization well, and you have an insight about human emotions.
Great Job!
Here are some areas where I think you might consider improvements: The first paragraph you use more likely, and unlikely. It is good as it is, but perhaps you might want to change one of them.
'The broken door... may sound better if you change to 'A broken door...
Justin's mind boggled, but he hid his confusion from his face. I don't think 'from his face.' is necessary Or if you want to be more thorough, perhaps like this: 'Justin't mind boggled, but he hid his confusion behind a stern expression. or: behind a stern mask. or: but he covered his confusion with a loud snort.
P.S. Thanks for catching the tense errors, that't my weakness.
4/12/2005 c4 Fournote
Man, that was awesome. Are you gonna finish it? Are Justin and Nina going to be all right? And what happened to Leala to make her ill like that? So many questions. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Man, that was awesome. Are you gonna finish it? Are Justin and Nina going to be all right? And what happened to Leala to make her ill like that? So many questions. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
4/12/2005 c2 Fournote
Okay. I updated part 1 with descriptions of the characters, so if you want to know what they look like, reread the first bit of part 1. I just finished part 4 and posted it, so check it out sometime. Keep writing this excellent story!
Okay. I updated part 1 with descriptions of the characters, so if you want to know what they look like, reread the first bit of part 1. I just finished part 4 and posted it, so check it out sometime. Keep writing this excellent story!
4/12/2005 c1 Arkash
This is a wonderful first chapter.
Good descriptions and characters.
I like the premise, the status of the clones.
Good job!
P.S. One of my stories, The Watchers, also have clones in it.
This is a wonderful first chapter.
Good descriptions and characters.
I like the premise, the status of the clones.
Good job!
P.S. One of my stories, The Watchers, also have clones in it.
4/9/2005 c1 1Fournote
Dang. Your style is really good. It flows and the description is really good. As for my story, the rolling up thing came in a dream I had once. Also, the characters (except Mr. King) are all based off my friends. Alex is me. And actually, the next part takes place only a few months after the first part, so it's not really a different story. It actually seems like a direct sequel, like The Matrix 2 and 3. As for the lack of description, it's my very first story ever so don't expect much.
Thanks for your awesome review!
1FournoteDang. Your style is really good. It flows and the description is really good. As for my story, the rolling up thing came in a dream I had once. Also, the characters (except Mr. King) are all based off my friends. Alex is me. And actually, the next part takes place only a few months after the first part, so it's not really a different story. It actually seems like a direct sequel, like The Matrix 2 and 3. As for the lack of description, it's my very first story ever so don't expect much.
Thanks for your awesome review!
4/9/2005 c3 4Plateado
Hey, Silver! I hadn't forgotten you at all; in fact, I had often wondered where you had disappeared to. I was surprised to find a review from you (pleasantly surprised, anyway).
This story is pretty good. In someinstances I think you might have changed your tense (past to present). The characters are likable, but maybe they would seem more real if you use more description for them. I'm not really sure how you could go about that, so that doesn't really help, does it? Overall the story holds promise, though. You should continue it.
I hope you keep writing, Silver. It's been a while since I've read your work. I missed it.
Oh, and I like how you're using Sydney. Is that where you live? I lived there too for six and a half years. That place is beautiful. I would love to go back and visit. Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. I'll talk to you later!
-Riley
4PlateadoHey, Silver! I hadn't forgotten you at all; in fact, I had often wondered where you had disappeared to. I was surprised to find a review from you (pleasantly surprised, anyway).
This story is pretty good. In someinstances I think you might have changed your tense (past to present). The characters are likable, but maybe they would seem more real if you use more description for them. I'm not really sure how you could go about that, so that doesn't really help, does it? Overall the story holds promise, though. You should continue it.
I hope you keep writing, Silver. It's been a while since I've read your work. I missed it.
Oh, and I like how you're using Sydney. Is that where you live? I lived there too for six and a half years. That place is beautiful. I would love to go back and visit. Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. I'll talk to you later!
-Riley