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for Angels and Witches REWRITE

4/9/2007 c4 1The baava Project
ACK, this got fun in a hurry! I'm grinning like an idiot.

I can't write this type of story. I am the type of person to move forward, sidestepping politics, to let other people trip up however they want behind me. But READING such a story - ah, now that's fun!

I am very much enamored with your characters - all of them. I have to admit, though, I didn't laugh out loud until Lian had her say in chapter three. I giggled a few times, then.

I could be contructively critical, but I just don't want to. The only things that jumped at me are grammatical; small, nitpicky things that other people are probably going to point out for you. The storytelling might be a little awkward at first, but it's gaining strength. I have a much better handle on Thorn now, having seen him through two other sets of eyes.

And besides, what book ISN'T awkward in the beginning? I'm willing to sit back and let events unfold.

I think this is wonderful so far. I hope you update soon!

Regards,

baava
4/9/2007 c1 The baava Project
Hello!

I had a moment and decided to try one of Ceara's favorite stories - or whatever her name is now. (grin) I'm not disappointed.

It's odd that I've been finding English stories lately - but I do like Thorn's flow of speech and thought. He's an interesting one, and kind of hard to pin down. He did give us a brief peek into his past, and I get the feeling that, at nineteen, he is one of those few teenagers who manage to learn who they are early.

Does that make any sense?

This first chapter is positively loaded with conflicting elements; from the "big picture" of the governing bodies to the individual characters themselves. The characters all have incredibly strong personalities, which made reading fun.

I think I'll keep reading. Wanted to let you know I was here.

Yours,

baava
3/14/2007 c1 16RuathaWehrling
Greetings! I'm searching around for a new story to read, and since theateroftheabsurd suggested you, I'll give this story a try! I'll leave comments as I read...

1.) "They suited her better, too" - Verb tense: use "they'd" instead of "they".

2.) "in me, jade green eyes looked at the world from a pale frame." - There's something about this that's kind of awkward. Not wrong, but awkward. I really like the part after the comma, but it doesn't seem to fit with the "in me" part. Just take a look and see what you think and if you can rephrase it to keep the awesome ending but make the start of the sentence match a bit better.

3.) "That’s where all the problems began, of course." - This isn't obvious to your reader, so you should probably drop the "of course". Besides, you've already said "of course" once this paragraph!

4.) "The woman was the leader of the authority back then" - Be consistent and always capitalize "the Authority", please (or always don't, if you prefer).

5.) "A year after I reluctantly joined the Authority, he fought Aspen and won." - I was surprised by this because earlier you made the Authority sound like a respected (or feared, at perhaps) political entity, and now this makes it seem like a street gang. Can you make it clear which of these it is early on, please? It would be good to understand what the society is that we're talking about here.

6.) "The magickally gifted lived in among the humans" - Wait, so in this story, having magic makes you a different species? Interesting. I will forbear commenting further until I understand more of the setup. However, a basic question I have is whether the ordinary humans can TELL the non-humans from themselves. How different are your two species? Is it just magic-use, or more than that?

7.) " Cacia always reminded me of a porcelain doll, perfectly presented but cold to the core" - Good quote!

8.) "Kingfisher was known for theblue fluffyslippersshe wore" - Whoa! Missing spaces here somehow!

9.) "Human instinct ... that is a valuable thing" - Ah, but you already told me that these magic users are NOT human! Be consistent!

10.) "Sometime soon, I knew, I would have to decide once and for all where my loyalties lay" - At some point around here, it would really be helpful to get a little more of the background of the different magical groups, how they relate to non-magical groups, and what Thorn thinks of them all. You tell us a little about the magical background of the three groups, but nothing historical, social, or political. I feel like I've been thrown into the middle of a story - sort of like when you read the second book in a series without reading the first book first, and go through the whole thing sort of confused as to WHY everyone is doing and saying things. This is the first chapter of your story, and I'm assuming it's the first book, so I shouldn't be feeling so confused. Can you clear some of it up for me, without giving anything away? What does Thorn think about everything that Ciaran doesn't?

Wow! Excellent start to a story! My main problem with this chapter is the lack of background, as I said before. I know that a lot of authors are worried about giving the dreaded "info-dump", but giving no information is even worse, since it confuses readers. (Of course, there's a happy medium that we all TRY to aim for...) Anyhow, consider putting a little more background in at certain parts. Other than that, it was lovely and intriguing. I'll definitely be back for more.

Thanks!

-Ruatha
2/28/2007 c1 Tranz
Sees update...dies of shock... wow, it's been so long...glad to see your back at it...I don't have time to read right now but I just had to say I'm so glad your posting again. (I used to review under a different name...I have forgotten it so...)
6/16/2006 c3 6Rainfalling
Interesting story, it's nice to see politics take more of a front line in developing a story rather than dramatic action scenes. The writing style, grammar and spelling are, as expected, incredible.

There is a formatting error in the first chapter however but I think you know about that already. The characters are intriguing and the situation is very nicely developed, especially with everything slowing down a bit more after the first chapter whilst it is important to give information about the world there was a slight overload there.

A little unsure of 'Emory’s snapping hazel gaze.', it seems a little too dramatic for the rest of the chapters up to this point where everything has been a little more low key.

I really enjoyed it and i'm looking forward to watching the world go to hell, I can see how quickly things could develop with one little event and the leveled politics works well to bring things to a new level. Looking forward to the next chapter.
5/31/2006 c1 7sketchingaCYNiC
goodness gracious - this looks so promising (stumbled upon it a few minutes ago, from theartoftheabsurd's page). i look forward to definitely reading it, but as i'm pressed for time and need to complete assignments... just wanted to say that this story seems realy awesome. i wish you'd update though =/
4/15/2006 c3 sugarRUSH555
i think ur story has alotta potential! it has a great start. :) hm, also, do you know where theatreoftheabsurd has gone? i have been waiting for her update for like forever, k, make it more like 12 hrs, but still, she's really good. p.s my character's name is emory too! i have the story under the account dissconnected on fanfiction.net check it out!
2/10/2006 c3 5The Green Crow
Lian loves Thorn... Lian loves Thorn! Or will, soon! Hopefully! Anyways, I love this chapter! I love Lian, she's the best. Or maybe I just don't like Cass. He annoys me. Anyways, a great chapter! I hope you update soon!
2/10/2006 c2 The Green Crow
Wow! You are SUCH a good writer! Cass's dad's a human person and his mom's an angel person, right? (human being a general term) well, the first chapter was a bit crouded, introducing more and more complications with almost every paragraph... you've really slowed it down. I think you shouldtry to even it out. I like Thorn better then Cass though... but this chapter's still really good!
2/10/2006 c1 The Green Crow
OMG! This is such a great story. I've onle read one chapter and I'm already pulled in so far. I wish I was as good a writer as you. I really like the beginning, how you introduce Thorn. The fact that he hasn't killed somebody is only realeased after you get the impression he's killed so many times before... it's amazing how you do it.

"There’s something about unwashed hair that always makes me cringe." that's a great touch! I love the other sarcastic humour, too! It's great!

"for theblue fluffyslippersshe wore" i think something's scrambled here.

Why are they trying to keep the peace negotiations a secret? Not that they have to shout it out to the world or anything, but, they're peace negotiations.

This is getting really interesting, though this is a really long chapter. So much happens in it... I don't see why you can't split it. Anyways, it's a great cliffhanger, and so I'm off to read more.
1/30/2006 c3 6Kairon K'sen
Wowza, this story's great! Your characters had me hooked after the first chapter.

It took up almost a whole CTEC 101 class reading it. But it was worth it! I hope for more soon!

-Derek
9/30/2005 c1 Flamewind Skywing
This first chapter is very good overall, and there is little that I can add. I did notice some small errors and rough patches that I think should be easy to fix.

The first paragraph is something that I think should be changed. The sentence structure is a little confusing and could be cleared up a bit. Particularly the second sentence. The switching of tenses that many times in one phrase is very confusing. I had to read it several times to really understand it.

In the passage after the first flashback, you missed capitalizing one 'Authority.'I also noticed that there are some combined words that should be seperated. In the passage with Cacia in Thorn's room, he mentions that "Kingfisher was known for theblue fluffyslippersshe wore..." Just thought you might want to know.

Other than those minor things mentioned above, great writing. I'll probably get around to reviewing later chapters and comment on the world and the story you use.
9/30/2005 c1 29lupine-eyes
oh, this is a very intriging story. You're character developement is truly marvoulous, and the plot line is very intresting. I am looking forward to reading the rest.
8/16/2005 c3 14FireBringer
Exceptionally good. I read Null, then found a recommendation for you, so here i am! Fantastic and i can't wait for the nest update.
8/7/2005 c3 16Jasper Riddle
*sque* Ohmigosh! Thorn! *swoon*

Ah...I'm guessing something's come up with Cass back at AHQ...

This is amazing. I've been entranced throughout all three chapters-amazing. Simply amazing. This must be updated. Soon. *roars*
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