for Save Me, Oh Brave Protector6/29/2006 c15 BlackBirdDaeth
wow. I really like this story. They're so funny. It's interesting, too... not what people usually write about when they do a romance story.
wow. I really like this story. They're so funny. It's interesting, too... not what people usually write about when they do a romance story.
6/24/2006 c3 
9springish
Ha. I was under the assumption that Ryan was the second oldest. Don't ask me how I got that idea. *shrug* Maybe you should try cutting back on the descriptions. Sometimes they're a bit redundant and come off sounding a bit silly, like 'taking a huge bite out of her golden brown bread.' It could just as well sound fine with 'taking a huge bite out of her toast.' Another example is here: 'The prince rested his smooth and uncalloused hand ' It doesn't really seem to serve a purpose, the descriptions. Although you probably wanted to show that Ryan takes care of himself? Or that he's from a wealthy background or something, but it could do without. Just a suggestion. You don't have to do it if you don't want to.
Haha, Jake Hartford. Looks like Lee isn't as contrary to love, after all. lol. Go Harriet. Someone who can kick ass (since she's obviously learning how to fight) AND flirt. Mehehe.
'As the only sibling out of five elder siblings..' this line was a bit strange. I don't know. You might want to fix that up a bit. Wow. Lucky Louis Vuitton. Immortalised in your story. They should be paying you for advertising :P
'whose ribbing was striped navy and burgundy and gold as well' Too many 'ands' and the 'whose' makes it seem as if the pullover is a person. Maybe: 'which had a ribbing striped navy and burgundy, with a touch of gold as well.' I like the descriptions of the uniforms, by the way. I love a man in uniform. *drools*
'but his mother told him at a very young age not to exploit the situation.' It would probably be better if you added a 'had' between 'his' and 'mother.'
Lol. I always forgot to do my Review Questions. Go Ryan. *dances* Blegh. I hate when people get better treatment just because. It sucks major arse-whoop. And you can see the teachers simpering like idiots. Blegh. Aw poor Ryan. Dude, if I were a Prince (or Princess, actually) I'd be living it up. And what about his siblings? They'd have probably felt the same thing. They should all just band together and talk things through. A good ol' H to H. But who doesn't love a hot, wealthy guy with insecurity and loneliness issues? It's love, baby.
'because he was the oldest in the family, next to the Queen, who was a male.' It's a bit awkward here. It sort of makes it sound as if the Queen is male. Maybe 'because he was the eldest male in the family.'
Ah. Here we go. Ryan's siblings DO feel the same. Why couldn't they have protested? Said, 'hey, DUDE, stop doing that.' At least, they could utilise their power to stop the teachers from doing it. Still, they did use the situation to their advantage (even if it WAS only once or twice, they still did it), so a part of me doesn't feel a whole heap of sympathy for them.
'“Bummer,” input Matthew.' Input is mostly a noun. And when it's used as a verb, it's more about entering data into a computer than usage in dialogue.
Haha, I am liking Jasper a whole lot. He's one of those straightforward, 'i'll-say-it-if-i-mean-it-types.' Am I the only one who likes him? Hm.
Hehe. Looking forward to seeing Lee with a gun. Fun, fun, fun. There are a few typos here and there that detract from the story, but overall the story flows nicely. Well done.
9springishHa. I was under the assumption that Ryan was the second oldest. Don't ask me how I got that idea. *shrug* Maybe you should try cutting back on the descriptions. Sometimes they're a bit redundant and come off sounding a bit silly, like 'taking a huge bite out of her golden brown bread.' It could just as well sound fine with 'taking a huge bite out of her toast.' Another example is here: 'The prince rested his smooth and uncalloused hand ' It doesn't really seem to serve a purpose, the descriptions. Although you probably wanted to show that Ryan takes care of himself? Or that he's from a wealthy background or something, but it could do without. Just a suggestion. You don't have to do it if you don't want to.
Haha, Jake Hartford. Looks like Lee isn't as contrary to love, after all. lol. Go Harriet. Someone who can kick ass (since she's obviously learning how to fight) AND flirt. Mehehe.
'As the only sibling out of five elder siblings..' this line was a bit strange. I don't know. You might want to fix that up a bit. Wow. Lucky Louis Vuitton. Immortalised in your story. They should be paying you for advertising :P
'whose ribbing was striped navy and burgundy and gold as well' Too many 'ands' and the 'whose' makes it seem as if the pullover is a person. Maybe: 'which had a ribbing striped navy and burgundy, with a touch of gold as well.' I like the descriptions of the uniforms, by the way. I love a man in uniform. *drools*
'but his mother told him at a very young age not to exploit the situation.' It would probably be better if you added a 'had' between 'his' and 'mother.'
Lol. I always forgot to do my Review Questions. Go Ryan. *dances* Blegh. I hate when people get better treatment just because. It sucks major arse-whoop. And you can see the teachers simpering like idiots. Blegh. Aw poor Ryan. Dude, if I were a Prince (or Princess, actually) I'd be living it up. And what about his siblings? They'd have probably felt the same thing. They should all just band together and talk things through. A good ol' H to H. But who doesn't love a hot, wealthy guy with insecurity and loneliness issues? It's love, baby.
'because he was the oldest in the family, next to the Queen, who was a male.' It's a bit awkward here. It sort of makes it sound as if the Queen is male. Maybe 'because he was the eldest male in the family.'
Ah. Here we go. Ryan's siblings DO feel the same. Why couldn't they have protested? Said, 'hey, DUDE, stop doing that.' At least, they could utilise their power to stop the teachers from doing it. Still, they did use the situation to their advantage (even if it WAS only once or twice, they still did it), so a part of me doesn't feel a whole heap of sympathy for them.
'“Bummer,” input Matthew.' Input is mostly a noun. And when it's used as a verb, it's more about entering data into a computer than usage in dialogue.
Haha, I am liking Jasper a whole lot. He's one of those straightforward, 'i'll-say-it-if-i-mean-it-types.' Am I the only one who likes him? Hm.
Hehe. Looking forward to seeing Lee with a gun. Fun, fun, fun. There are a few typos here and there that detract from the story, but overall the story flows nicely. Well done.
6/24/2006 c2 springish
I'm gonna review this as I read because that way I don't forget to comment on anything. Argh. *clutches head* So many names! To tell the truth, I got a little confused there, wondering who on earth Nicholas was. It clicked though. Ryan. Duh. How come Ryan/Nicholas (now I don't know what to call him. But I'll call him Ryan because it's less syllables :P) gets a long name with a I in his name, while everybody else gets like two names? Does that mean his mother loved him more? Hehehe. And how come Ryan came out first? I would have thought it might have been eldest to youngest. Nothing wrong there. Just got me a little confused at the start, that's all.
'Her blonde hair cascaded down her back as she casually flicked some loose strands behind there. ' That line was a little awkward. Maybe 'Her blonde hair cascaded down her back as/and she casually flicked some loose strands from her face.' I don't know. Something like that. :D
' happy disposition.”' lol I thought you were meaning something else. My bad. :P
It was a good way to introduce the siblings, while introducing the fact that they have a soon-to-be stepfather. Well done. :D
'“NO!” Harriet squealed, pretending to cover the ears of the Prince Nicholas photo. “Don’t listen to the evil Elliott, my sweet prince. She’s a crazed madwoman, and she hasn’t experienced love ever before. She doesn’t know how it makes her heart feel oh so light.”' HAHAHAHA. I'm loving Harriet already.
AH. *swoons* A drawl. I love drawls. I wish I had a drawl. Note to self: develop a drawl. Haha, the word 'drawl' has stopped making sense to me now.
LOL. OMG. Briggy G. That's laughs. That sounds like one of those gangsta names. Hm. *strokes chin* Like Mama VD, actually. lol
Haha, Ryan speaks in French. And he said exactly what GAMBIT says to Rogue EVERY TIME. (in the cartoon, anyway). I am in love, love, love. That's so incredibly smokin'. Haha. I like Jasper. Smartarse bastard.
Anyway, ooh. A NEW DADDY. I wonder if he'll be an arse. I always hate when that happens. Wah. Oh well, one way to find out, aye? ;)
I'm gonna review this as I read because that way I don't forget to comment on anything. Argh. *clutches head* So many names! To tell the truth, I got a little confused there, wondering who on earth Nicholas was. It clicked though. Ryan. Duh. How come Ryan/Nicholas (now I don't know what to call him. But I'll call him Ryan because it's less syllables :P) gets a long name with a I in his name, while everybody else gets like two names? Does that mean his mother loved him more? Hehehe. And how come Ryan came out first? I would have thought it might have been eldest to youngest. Nothing wrong there. Just got me a little confused at the start, that's all.
'Her blonde hair cascaded down her back as she casually flicked some loose strands behind there. ' That line was a little awkward. Maybe 'Her blonde hair cascaded down her back as/and she casually flicked some loose strands from her face.' I don't know. Something like that. :D
' happy disposition.”' lol I thought you were meaning something else. My bad. :P
It was a good way to introduce the siblings, while introducing the fact that they have a soon-to-be stepfather. Well done. :D
'“NO!” Harriet squealed, pretending to cover the ears of the Prince Nicholas photo. “Don’t listen to the evil Elliott, my sweet prince. She’s a crazed madwoman, and she hasn’t experienced love ever before. She doesn’t know how it makes her heart feel oh so light.”' HAHAHAHA. I'm loving Harriet already.
AH. *swoons* A drawl. I love drawls. I wish I had a drawl. Note to self: develop a drawl. Haha, the word 'drawl' has stopped making sense to me now.
LOL. OMG. Briggy G. That's laughs. That sounds like one of those gangsta names. Hm. *strokes chin* Like Mama VD, actually. lol
Haha, Ryan speaks in French. And he said exactly what GAMBIT says to Rogue EVERY TIME. (in the cartoon, anyway). I am in love, love, love. That's so incredibly smokin'. Haha. I like Jasper. Smartarse bastard.
Anyway, ooh. A NEW DADDY. I wonder if he'll be an arse. I always hate when that happens. Wah. Oh well, one way to find out, aye? ;)
6/10/2006 c15 PrincessPeach
This is great! Seriously, I truly enjoyed reading it, and I hope that at some point you continue. I know that like the rest of us you are probably busy and stressed out, but Ilook forward to your next update because I love reading your work! Thanks!
This is great! Seriously, I truly enjoyed reading it, and I hope that at some point you continue. I know that like the rest of us you are probably busy and stressed out, but Ilook forward to your next update because I love reading your work! Thanks!
6/9/2006 c15 Ye
o. i like this story. its interesting and pretty original. i hope u update soon (hint hint hahaha) and i cant wait to read more.
o. i like this story. its interesting and pretty original. i hope u update soon (hint hint hahaha) and i cant wait to read more.
5/29/2006 c15 ms. fuzzy
you won't believe my disappointment when i finished reading chapter fifteen and found that there was no more...lol by the way, i hope Ryan and Lee end up together :D
you won't believe my disappointment when i finished reading chapter fifteen and found that there was no more...lol by the way, i hope Ryan and Lee end up together :D
5/24/2006 c15 the-galaxy
Hey, me again. This was a great chapter. There was still some spelling mistakes but not a lot. I'm really starting to get hooked on this story. I hope you get the next chapter up as soon as you can.
Hey, me again. This was a great chapter. There was still some spelling mistakes but not a lot. I'm really starting to get hooked on this story. I hope you get the next chapter up as soon as you can.
5/23/2006 c15 SkepticCritic
I wish I had more witty rants to...rant...Unfortunatly, my school doesn't appreciate night owls...At all...Really rather rude of them if you ask me...Not really respecting or accomodating our insomniac population...ANd I know there are at least a dozen of us...YOu know, those of us who end up falling asleep and being sent to the health center to sleep and then to pointlessly talk about why you're not getting enough sleep...Let's see...We sum it up as insomnia...I'm not even going to go into how many times they've told me I have insomnia...And the cures are neverending...First there was the benadryl...Makes you drowsy but you become immune after a while...Sleeping pills are out of the question because my parents don't want me to become addicted...Then there's the Melatonin (herbal relaxant) that kinda works but that I can't take regularly for the addictive thing again...Then there's the magazine article I had to try...That didn't work...Then my latest doctor decided that I should stop doing athletic and academic things two hours before going to bed...Then he decided to send me to physical therapy for my knees (I think I'm starting to sound like a broken record)...Well, since my school requires us to have an afternoon activity, I didn't get to physical therapy unitl six...Two hours there and it's eight...I have to go to bed at ten because he said I had to get eight hours of sleep...Brilliant isn't it? I'm not sure where in that schedule I was supposed to eat, or shower or do my homework...Needless to say, I'm glad that physical therapy is finally over...
Wow...I'm just like Ryan's friend...I can't even remember what I'm talking about...I've been doing that alot lately...I just write it off as sleep-deprivation...I write alot of things off as that...But it's kinda true...You'd be amazed at my apparant lack of intelligence...At I'm seemingly quickly losing sanity, IQ points, and I'm no longer intelligable to the world around me...
Okay now that I've rambled about just about everything but the story...YOur turn...
I wish I had more witty rants to...rant...Unfortunatly, my school doesn't appreciate night owls...At all...Really rather rude of them if you ask me...Not really respecting or accomodating our insomniac population...ANd I know there are at least a dozen of us...YOu know, those of us who end up falling asleep and being sent to the health center to sleep and then to pointlessly talk about why you're not getting enough sleep...Let's see...We sum it up as insomnia...I'm not even going to go into how many times they've told me I have insomnia...And the cures are neverending...First there was the benadryl...Makes you drowsy but you become immune after a while...Sleeping pills are out of the question because my parents don't want me to become addicted...Then there's the Melatonin (herbal relaxant) that kinda works but that I can't take regularly for the addictive thing again...Then there's the magazine article I had to try...That didn't work...Then my latest doctor decided that I should stop doing athletic and academic things two hours before going to bed...Then he decided to send me to physical therapy for my knees (I think I'm starting to sound like a broken record)...Well, since my school requires us to have an afternoon activity, I didn't get to physical therapy unitl six...Two hours there and it's eight...I have to go to bed at ten because he said I had to get eight hours of sleep...Brilliant isn't it? I'm not sure where in that schedule I was supposed to eat, or shower or do my homework...Needless to say, I'm glad that physical therapy is finally over...
Wow...I'm just like Ryan's friend...I can't even remember what I'm talking about...I've been doing that alot lately...I just write it off as sleep-deprivation...I write alot of things off as that...But it's kinda true...You'd be amazed at my apparant lack of intelligence...At I'm seemingly quickly losing sanity, IQ points, and I'm no longer intelligable to the world around me...
Okay now that I've rambled about just about everything but the story...YOur turn...
5/22/2006 c15 72Forget-The-Sorrow
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT *dances around while continuing chant* I want to join now! Please update soon!
72Forget-The-SorrowLOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT *dances around while continuing chant* I want to join now! Please update soon!
5/22/2006 c1 mythweav.r
I realized that since I flooded you with a number of reviews and along with it, a barrage of comments and questions... you might need another place to properly address them instead of the normal replies you have after a chapter. If you'd like you could mail me here.. :) Thanks!
I realized that since I flooded you with a number of reviews and along with it, a barrage of comments and questions... you might need another place to properly address them instead of the normal replies you have after a chapter. If you'd like you could mail me here.. :) Thanks!
5/22/2006 c15 mythweav.r
Oops! Elliot just mentioned that she had a sis called Ray who liked a guy and that Ray has a twin... and suddenly Juliana knows that Ray is actually "Rachel"? And you know, I'm confused by the story again. Who are the twins in Elliot's family? I thought Rachel and Javier are the twins. Or is it javier and Elliot instead? Or is it Rachel and Elliot? Either way... this whole part is confusing, especially with Josef's sudden question "Does her twin have a photo I can see?" and Lee's reply of "I don't have a photo of Javier on me." Considering Lee was just talking about Rachel, Josef's quip about her twin having a picture and Lee replying meant that Lee's supposed to be Rachel's twin... But Lee's words that Javier doesn't like pictures means that Lee's twin is Javier. argh. Help me out here, please!
Considering that you didn't actually really talk about Benjamin Keyes and Elliot, the comment by Ryan about him is actually very random. I noticed that you omit certain bits in your stories and suddenly things develop in a funny way like readers are supposed to understand it automatically (like this flare up btwn Lee and Ryan, just as it was in a previous chapter). I suppose it's easy for a writer to think readers will get it as well since you already have all the ideas and contexts sorted out in your mind... but these areas need to be developed as well or you have holes in your stories where readers will be following your story one moment and thrown in a confusion the next when they trip into one of these holes..
In the meantime, Lee's anger is so random... I wouldn't wanna date her at all if I were a guy *wrinkles nose*
Oops! Elliot just mentioned that she had a sis called Ray who liked a guy and that Ray has a twin... and suddenly Juliana knows that Ray is actually "Rachel"? And you know, I'm confused by the story again. Who are the twins in Elliot's family? I thought Rachel and Javier are the twins. Or is it javier and Elliot instead? Or is it Rachel and Elliot? Either way... this whole part is confusing, especially with Josef's sudden question "Does her twin have a photo I can see?" and Lee's reply of "I don't have a photo of Javier on me." Considering Lee was just talking about Rachel, Josef's quip about her twin having a picture and Lee replying meant that Lee's supposed to be Rachel's twin... But Lee's words that Javier doesn't like pictures means that Lee's twin is Javier. argh. Help me out here, please!
Considering that you didn't actually really talk about Benjamin Keyes and Elliot, the comment by Ryan about him is actually very random. I noticed that you omit certain bits in your stories and suddenly things develop in a funny way like readers are supposed to understand it automatically (like this flare up btwn Lee and Ryan, just as it was in a previous chapter). I suppose it's easy for a writer to think readers will get it as well since you already have all the ideas and contexts sorted out in your mind... but these areas need to be developed as well or you have holes in your stories where readers will be following your story one moment and thrown in a confusion the next when they trip into one of these holes..
In the meantime, Lee's anger is so random... I wouldn't wanna date her at all if I were a guy *wrinkles nose*
5/22/2006 c14 mythweav.r
Her class ends quite fast actually! I mean... The professor just took attendance, and she introduced herself and it rang! I meant the bell... :P But the way he asked her to the ball was so sweet, it had me blushing and smiling! Even though his asking was all faked... hahaha
You probably figured out already that I type my reviews for your story just as I read your chapters. :) It's easy for me to just enjoy your entire story without bothering with reviews because when I found your story, I just saved every chapter to read it offline. But I realize that many stories deserve more reviews than they actually get.. And because I actually like your piece of work, I decided to make an effort to write you a review for every chapter (almost)... but being the honest, direct me... I had to say what's on my mind when I find holes or inconsistencies, ya know? Hope you aren't upset by my bluntness and lack of tact as I reviewed. I am trying to give constructive criticism and really do hope you'll only get better and greater as a writer =)
Read your author's note.. and I beg to disagree with the part where you said her looks isn't supposed to count. A big part of her undercover mission relies on her being able to look different, so you actually can't run away from describing how she looks. While I'm not big on paragraphs and paragraphs of describing the scenery and every bit of the furniture and all... i think it is still important to give us an idea about how your characters look like because part of reading fiction is imagining the people and the scenes.
Nice update again. Glad I still have another chapter with me!
Her class ends quite fast actually! I mean... The professor just took attendance, and she introduced herself and it rang! I meant the bell... :P But the way he asked her to the ball was so sweet, it had me blushing and smiling! Even though his asking was all faked... hahaha
You probably figured out already that I type my reviews for your story just as I read your chapters. :) It's easy for me to just enjoy your entire story without bothering with reviews because when I found your story, I just saved every chapter to read it offline. But I realize that many stories deserve more reviews than they actually get.. And because I actually like your piece of work, I decided to make an effort to write you a review for every chapter (almost)... but being the honest, direct me... I had to say what's on my mind when I find holes or inconsistencies, ya know? Hope you aren't upset by my bluntness and lack of tact as I reviewed. I am trying to give constructive criticism and really do hope you'll only get better and greater as a writer =)
Read your author's note.. and I beg to disagree with the part where you said her looks isn't supposed to count. A big part of her undercover mission relies on her being able to look different, so you actually can't run away from describing how she looks. While I'm not big on paragraphs and paragraphs of describing the scenery and every bit of the furniture and all... i think it is still important to give us an idea about how your characters look like because part of reading fiction is imagining the people and the scenes.
Nice update again. Glad I still have another chapter with me!
5/22/2006 c13 mythweav.r
Plus! plus! That bow and curtsey was cute. LOL... I like that reasoning about how people might remember Lee because she was brandishing her weapon. Sounds logical, doesn't it? However, contrary to expectations, eyewitness research in psychology have found such a thing as "weapon focus". When you hold a gun, everyone's attention will be transfixed on your gun (afraid of what you're gonna do with it) and therefore, memory (which depends a whole lot on attention) for your face sharply decreases. Sometimes it's annoying how science reminds us we're not so clever. Hahahah. Interesting for me though (I'm biased, because I'm a psych graduate :P). But since the snapparazzi just caught tons of her footage, she's gonna be in for a ride eh? *winks*
That bit where you had "next monday morning" in the beginning, and then "previous wednesday" and then "next monday morning" again was quite confusing. Most people (who will be reading quite fast) wouldn't have noticed or (like me) not understand at first that we're refering to the same monday will not realize that the middle portion (previous wednesday) was a flash back and that the story then fades back to the present. It forces us to flip back the pages (virtually) to get it.
Ohh. The Armed Guards were trained in Australia? Would the Australia government actually allow that? As far as I know, most countries wouldn't let that happen. It's just not right for foreign troops to have a training school in your country. How odd that Lee's school was in another country..
Hahaha I notice that you now describe her as being able to assemble her rifle quickly instead of "dismantling" it as you've mentioned in earlier chapters. You probably ought to get to the editing bits some time (i know it's such a pain!) or you'll come across readers like me who might just keep pointing out mistakes you already know are there...
Ah.. sorry.. i noted another typo: "impossible if you weren't here for 100 *...* of the school year-". You left out some words... do i get a cookie if the word "days" is the correct word? *laughs*!
Again, considering that the press (and the whole world) already knows her face and that she was an Armed Guard, why doesn't she have a different name when she goes undercover? Isn't the whole idea of going undercover assuming a different identity? The investigative press could easily still make the connection between her name and her membership of the Armed Guard. Besides, Elliot Jacobs doesn't sound like a very royal name...
P.S. Your chapters have good lengths! I for one am very appreciative!
Plus! plus! That bow and curtsey was cute. LOL... I like that reasoning about how people might remember Lee because she was brandishing her weapon. Sounds logical, doesn't it? However, contrary to expectations, eyewitness research in psychology have found such a thing as "weapon focus". When you hold a gun, everyone's attention will be transfixed on your gun (afraid of what you're gonna do with it) and therefore, memory (which depends a whole lot on attention) for your face sharply decreases. Sometimes it's annoying how science reminds us we're not so clever. Hahahah. Interesting for me though (I'm biased, because I'm a psych graduate :P). But since the snapparazzi just caught tons of her footage, she's gonna be in for a ride eh? *winks*
That bit where you had "next monday morning" in the beginning, and then "previous wednesday" and then "next monday morning" again was quite confusing. Most people (who will be reading quite fast) wouldn't have noticed or (like me) not understand at first that we're refering to the same monday will not realize that the middle portion (previous wednesday) was a flash back and that the story then fades back to the present. It forces us to flip back the pages (virtually) to get it.
Ohh. The Armed Guards were trained in Australia? Would the Australia government actually allow that? As far as I know, most countries wouldn't let that happen. It's just not right for foreign troops to have a training school in your country. How odd that Lee's school was in another country..
Hahaha I notice that you now describe her as being able to assemble her rifle quickly instead of "dismantling" it as you've mentioned in earlier chapters. You probably ought to get to the editing bits some time (i know it's such a pain!) or you'll come across readers like me who might just keep pointing out mistakes you already know are there...
Ah.. sorry.. i noted another typo: "impossible if you weren't here for 100 *...* of the school year-". You left out some words... do i get a cookie if the word "days" is the correct word? *laughs*!
Again, considering that the press (and the whole world) already knows her face and that she was an Armed Guard, why doesn't she have a different name when she goes undercover? Isn't the whole idea of going undercover assuming a different identity? The investigative press could easily still make the connection between her name and her membership of the Armed Guard. Besides, Elliot Jacobs doesn't sound like a very royal name...
P.S. Your chapters have good lengths! I for one am very appreciative!