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for The Alliance War is awaiting a complete overhaul

3/22/2007 c8 Kayla
Hey I'm Kayla. I like reading just as much as the next person. I really like when the stories have great beginnings and pulls you in, that's what this story doeas for me. It has action and comedy put in one and a great choice of words. The way this writter describes anything from trees to people she makes you feel like your staring right at them. You get this picture in your head almost like a movie play by play.

Telrunya is such a cool character. She's sturn yet sweet. Then there's Eric. I fairly enjoy him. He's very funny. (Quote from Eric: I thinl my name is Eric) I mean it's brilliant! It makes you really wish you had thought up many of the things she puts in this story. I don't really have any negative things about this story to tell you the truth. I thought it was a BRILLIANT story!

What else can I say? Yes some pages were more enjoyable mostly because of the humor or action but that's what every story or book really has. I'm very impressed by the names of things or people in this story. I don't know how she comes up wih them but there awesome! So unique and totally different. This writter takes you to an whole new world and you feel like I'm in the book. When something happens it's like it's happening to you. But I don't know that's just my opinion. All I can say is keep on writting and I look forward to reading more of this and your things in general!

The only little bit of negativity...well it's not really negativity..something you can add...

I know there is action but I would like you or at least think mabye just put a bit more comedy into it and some more fighting scenes that are a bit longer but that's all I can tihnk of really. Thank you and goodnight.
8/11/2006 c9 14Queerest
Why do you do this to me? You need to send me a pronuciation sheet or something so I can say all these funny words. Your still very distanced with the readers. Try to draw them in. What's up with the old English? I can't understand that stuff, shakespear wants me dead, I know. Oh, with the name Tim,( it was so long ago but look back, you'll remember) I have seen Monty Python thats why I thought it was funny! Sorry if my dumb mind can't understand your complex writing. I'm stewpod like that.
5/13/2006 c2 17Chuggur
General Thoughts: I don't mean to be rude or condescending, you really do have an excellent story beneath the abundance of grammatical and detail-related errors. :-) I just figure you might not even know about a lot of them, and if someone doesn't tell you, how are you gonna learn?

Lol, if Tel keep picking up friends at this rate, she'll be backed by an army by the times she hits the Dragon Realm! :-D

Your characters seem, at this early point, to be fairly well-made. Although Tel seems to shift with her environment and company, which may be a natural trait for the Elves...? Alone, as at the beginning of the first chapter, she seems full of power and confidence and even arrogance. With the maid and the others she has thus far encountered, she maintains that aloof air. But around Erc, who still holds a position little above that of tiresome stranger, she relaxes, laughs, and cries out urgently. Tel seems to be a warrior, battle-hardened and at least somewhat cognizant of the ways of the world. It does not seem likely that she would, for example, tell Erc "urgently" to hide with his pony. She seems more the type to calmly and firmly command him.

Erc, as a child, seems appropriately characterized so far. Although his sudden and violent response to the orc behind Tel following the fight scenes does not quite seem to coincide with his personality. Remember, he's still a kid, a very impressionable kid with at least some sense of right and wrong. Killing, even orcs, should have more than a momentary impact on his little psyche. Perhaps he could spot the orc behind Tel and warn her just in time for her to avoid a fatal blow, allowing Tel, our experienced warrior, to slay the orc, rather than forcing Erc, our at least partially-innocent child-figure to carry out the dastardly deed.

Grammar/Style: Remember apositives from ch 1? In the 2nd sentence, "with enchantments of protection" should begin AND end with ,'s.

Again, there're a great many perfect examples of passive voice. I won't point them all out unless you ask, because I know how tedious it can be and I think you understand what I'm talking about. Avoiding PV isn't just a stupid grammar rule; active voice is much more effective in drawing the reader into the story, especially for fiction/fantasy writers. We're creating a whole new world, and the audience has to know what it's like to live there, not just to see it. The sea was blue, for example, is great for telling the reader ABOUT your world, but the pristine waters reflecting the azure of the clear spring sky is so much better for making them a part of it.

I probably could have mentioned this last chapter, but I didn't, so I will now. You seem to have a lot of "info-dumps." You take several sentences, even paragraphs at a time, to explain world history, legends, racial quirks, etc, etc. Several of these in a row, or even one extensive one, can seriously slow or completely halt the momentum of a story. The best way to illustrate this is to look at the story like a running line. It starts out however you lay your first scene: in this case, rather flat, but not low. As you progress, you must climb steep hills to reach new heights of interest, but you must also release some of the tension and suspense and descend into valleys lest you climb so high you run out of oxygen and are strangled to death in the upper atmosphere. Okay, maybe that's not the best way of looking at it, but...info-dumps and long, overly-developed descriptions and rationales make it impossible to crest these hills and leave you floundering in the deepest of the valleys. That's not to say that some backstory and a clear picture of what's going on isn't necessary. But try showing us what you what us to see, instead of flat out telling us. Let the reader draw some of their own conclusions. Put the necessary information in front of us and allow us to piece it together ourselves. Advance the story through dialogue or action instead of having your characters simply think everything you want the reader to know. One-sided conversations are tedious, and get a bit wierd. Anyone who talks to themselves that much doesn't belong at the head of the Elves. They belong in a rubber room. ;-)

Remember all the stupid essays you had to write in grade school? Where every paragraph had a topic sentence, and the other ones had to relate back to it? Your seemingly interminable toils involved in these papers were not in vain, you know, and should not be dismissed. Paragraphs divide your story, or the chapters in you story, into complete, clearly-defined ideas in the same way those topic sentences did in elementary. If you open a paragraph talking about Erc getting a new pony, for example, don't suddenly come out the blue with a random comment about the boy's past. Such leaps of illogical make the author seem desperate to stuff as much information as possible into a limited space, which is fine when you're working on a rough draft. But the finished copy should be more ordered, easier to follow. Don't let your train of thought jump its track.

Tel seems to be carrying a vast amount of supplies: her battle gear, her bow, changes of clothing, lots of money...But you've made no provision for HOW she carries so much. She has no pack of any sort, nor a quiver for her arrows. In addition, unless her bow is magicked somehow (you did not specify), it will need to be strung and is, therefore, impractical for whipping out in the heat of battle. And what about arrows? Or does Tel shoot magical shafts of air? :-/

Specifics: Para 2, sent 5: "...down tofifty gold..." Yeah, definately a space there.

Para 2, sent 7: How could Erc be a thief/mage in training if he's living alone on the streets? Who's training him? Also, this sentence seems a bit out of place amid all the talk about the pony. Could you perhaps move it to a para more based on Erc, or embellish it into such a para?

Para 8: You've got two distinct thoughts in this para. The first is Erc's words and action. The second in Tel's thoughts and reactions. Break it off into a second para just before Tel looks down.

Para 8, sent 5: "...smiling." is a modifier and requires the presence of a comma before it. If you have trouble picking them out or if you're not sure if something is a modifier and should be surrounded by commas, try taking it out. If the sentence reads properly and presents the same basic idea, you need commas.

Para 12, sent 1: "...smiling." is a modifier. Again.

Para 14, sent 1: "'Of course not.'" Said Tel, frowning." The rule on quotations is that the contents be surrounded by commas. Therefore, there should be a comma after "not," which eliminates the problem of capitalizing the word "said," which makes the second half of the sentence a dependant clause instead of an incomplete, stand-alone sentence. You were correct, however, to capitalize the "Look..." in para 13, since the words Erc speaks are a complete thought, even though they fall within the confines of the sentence. The third method of working a quote into a sentence is to split it, as in: "What," he demanded, "are you doing?" Here, you would not capitalize the second part of the quote, since "What" is the beginning of the thought.

Para 15: Why would Tel suddenly remember the reference to orcs? If they posed a threat, she should have at least considered it and been more wary. And if she truly had forgotten until that moment, something must have sparked her suspicion. The "light" could have been anything: a campfire, a lantern, a light from the open door or window of a roadside inn, tavern, farmhouse, or cottage. Why would orcs be the first thing to come to mind? And what light did he see? You never said anything about sunlight glinting off metal weapons or a small fire tended by the orcs. Also, knowing she had a young child to protect, would Tel really rush off to battle like that? Why not try to sneak around the orcs, and get caught, it the battle scene is truly necessary at all?

Para 15, sent 6: I tihnk you simply forgot the "and" after "...a gallop,..."

Para 24, sent 1: Again, un-capitalize the "Said."

Para 28, sent 1: "...King Donell, the king..." Obviously he's the king, since he's KING Donell. Replace the second king with something like ruler, leader, head of state...whatever.

Para 29, sent 1: "'...room, please.'" Tel..." Definately a comma after please, since you continue the sentence after the quotation mark.

Para 30, sent 1: "He" doesn't need to be capitalized, since it is the continuation of the quotation before it. And you require a comma after grumbled since "scowling at them" is a modifier.

Para 31, sent 2: "...the mans bellow..." Need an apostrophe before the S in "mans," since the bellow belongs to the man (possessives get apostrophes; you probably already knew that and just forgot it).

Para 33, sent 1: "'Yes sir.' Said..." - "'Yes sir,' said..."

Para 36, sent 1: "'...is Erc.' Tel informed..." - "'...is Erc,' Tel informed..."
5/1/2006 c1 Chuggur
Thanks for the review on Sand Drake. It's nice to find someone who shares my general writing style. :-)

General Thoughts: It's a good story, but I want to take a red pen and mark it up so bad, it'll look like somebody got shot on the paper. :-/ No, it's not that bad, and I guess most of the mistakes (like passive voice and tense shifting) are things you grow out of with time and experience. Keep at it!

I know I get a bit nit-picky about grammar and the like, but bear with me. I wouldn't point it out if it weren't glaringly obvious, and surely I'm not the only reader who notices and is distracted by the mistakes.

Grammar: You use passive voice a lot. I'm not sure if you know what I mean by that, but passive voice is when you use words like was, were, got, or is as the verb in a sentence. For instance: "It was night." Change or embellish the sentence to put it in active voice. Try adding adjectives or something. "The night fell dark and heavy." Or just take it out altogether and see if you can include the information somewhere else.

Another example is the "...got closer..." in para 2. Perhaps have her move near, grow closer, or approach the gate.

Watch your tenses as well, as in the second and third sentences. "...was silently approaching..." and "It seemed that..." are two different tenses. Have your character silently approach, perhaps.

Apositives, superfluous phrases that give us more information, should be surrounded by commas. As in para 6, sent 4: "...years ago..." is an apositive.

Specifics: In the first paragraph, you refer to Telrunya as a woman, then immediately make the distinction between the port city and the HUMAN port city. Woman implies that the character IS human, which she clearly is not. Try something like "A figure on a black horse..." or "The stranger had traveled..."

You forgot the quotations at the beginnings of paras 3 and 4.

Sent 1, para 6: The sentence reads as though the gate is the one looking around. Perhaps Tel looked around as she rode through the gate, which creaked slowly upwards...?

Sent 5, para 6: "Ayla was a Wood Elf." Mm...first, is Ayla still alive? If not, she no longer was a Wood Elf, but she had been a Wood Elf. Phrasing it thusly also removes the passive voice "was," making "had" an adverb to "been," which is active voice.

Sent 6, para 6: Passive voice in "Wood Elves were the..."

Sent 7, para 6: Passive voice in "They had red..." Change to possessed, perhaps? "Most of them possessed red or brown hair, green...eyes, and slightly tanned skin."

Sent 8, para 6: You spent the last three sentences telling us about the Wood Elves, and now you're talking about "she." She, the Wood Elves? Can you move sentences 5-7 somewhere else, perhaps?

Sent 10, para 6: Ayla cannot have been "traversing there." She could have been traversing a path bridge or road, etc, etc, but one cannot traverse a place. She could have been staying there, passing through, or attending business in the village. But not traversing there.

Sent 1, para 8: Passive voice in "Lilemore was the..."

Sent 3, para 8: Why would there be a copse of trees in the middle of a village?

Sent 1, para 10: The sentence seems almost to drag on, as though it should have ended but didn't. Perhaps break it into two sentences with a period after "...well trained..." All right, I give up trying to point out every occurance of passive voice. Last one: "...he WAS the horse of..."

Sent 2, para 10: "...as a gift when she was 1,0..." So Tel, quite suddenly, was 1,0 one day? Without turning 1,0 or having a 1,0th b-day? And again, you've used passive voice (absolutely the last one).

I'd like to keep at it, but I've got upwards of a hundred history words to define by tomorrow, and I require at least fifteen minutes of sleep per night. Talk at you laters. ;-)
3/25/2006 c9 15Cayte R Black
Oh so cool, I forgot that I didn't review the other chapters, so I am reviewing this one. I like it a lot. I am looking forward to the next chapter!
12/30/2005 c1 19Andor
This story is very original, I'm liking it quite a bit. The characters are interesting.

I have one or two problems with your writing, in this chapter the writing seems very straightforward. You have explanations, nice descriptions, but sometimes they don't really connect to their surroundings.

The other is your tendency to repetition: you will repeat a same word or phrase in a given paragraph. (in the 6th paragraph, you write Ayla three times. I suggest you replace the other two with things like "the heroine" or "that famous elf", etc... it makes reading more interesting).

Another repitition that caught my eye was "“Princess Telrúnya Ireth Moonbright.” Said Telrúnya, stating her full name, so that when the Halfling lass told the Duke, he would know who she was and let her in right away." You've already mentioned before that that is her full name, otherwise we can still glean from the length of it that it surely IS her full name. I suggest changing that second sentence to something like "She said, making it clear to the Duke who she was. It would allow her to be let in much faster."

Good work friend. I shall be reading on. I wouldn't want to miss a fantasy tale that is not about saving the world.

One minor thing, some of your paragraphs have been split up by random "enter" hits, it would seem.

9/14/2005 c8 Catherine Cookson-esque
Tim is a rather funky character. I like him. :)

You did a great job describing the setting and the characters, and that really helped me picture what was happening.
9/14/2005 c7 Catherine Cookson-esque
A very lovely story so far!

I like the Monty Python-like thing. "Some call him. . . Tim." :P
9/14/2005 c1 Catherine Cookson-esque
Finally I am reviewing your story. It's quite enchanting so far - I guarantee you this will not be my last review.I especially liked how you measured the Friesians - "about 15 hands high."

Also, I believe that the current title is quite catchy.
7/26/2005 c8 14Queerest
Well you did better then me. I can't rhyme worth anything. Next Chapter! I think it's very weird that you have all these fancy names and then...Tim. Will Larry be coming in the later chapters?
7/10/2005 c7 Queerest
I'm reviewing see? Even if I can't pronounce the names. It's a good story, good chapter. The only problem I can see with the story is the fact that it seems very...formal. It's very structured and serious. People can get into well written stories, but you also have to make a connection with the reader. The way your writing, your distancing the reader from the characters. We can't get into it very well that way.B.t.w.- Email me!
6/20/2005 c7 1Fresher then Mint
Well, I don't usually read fantasy stories, but I was skimming through some and this one caught my eye. Anyways, it's is Really good, I love your writing, it's excellent. I hope you update soon because I am going to keep reading until the end!
5/12/2005 c6 14Queerest
very good. much better then anything i could write (and see? I did review : )
4/21/2005 c6 2Siel Qello Draug
Yes, this version is so well done. I wish I could give you pointers and stuff like you with me, but alas I cannot. It's just too well done. *applause* update soon :) :)
4/20/2005 c1 25ifitaintkatie
Must. Read. More. Hehe.. *claclapclap* Great job, the writing is pretty impressive. Keep writing, cause you really have a knack for it. I just wrote a new story called "Judith." Check it out, I think you'll like it. Gotta go!~Kate

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