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for Dark Tunnel

6/17/2006 c3 89rira-chan
^^ wow! i love the story! ^^ its great!


Ps sorry i didt reveiw earlier!
4/22/2006 c3 9Alteng
It has been a long while since I have read this story, and I had forgotten about it until I read the bit about the cat. Meow!

I like how you write all the suspense bits that come to nothing. It lends well to the story. I also like the creepy guys she meets at the reception desk. hey, my glasses are dark when I go into a place . . . but that is because I have photo-greys and I am half blind, mind you. The thicker the lens, the darker the glass in the light.

I have a couple of little comments. You often forget to capitalize "I". It is nothing that a little quick scan and proof reading wouldn't hurt. I use Word Perfect, and it automatically captilizes the "I", and I found out that I can turn that off if I want to write a pschotic person with a low opinion of oneself.

Another technical difficulty is the use of the word "your". If you mean "you are", it is "you're". So, smack me with a grammar book (or a world atlas).

You describe the library as medieval. Somehow, when I think of the big fancy libraries in an old mansion, I see one of those Victorian style places. Never mind the description of the library in "The Bane of Rendberg"! Still, if you think about it. In medieval times, the only places with libraries were probably the churches. Reading was frowned upon at that time . . . I know, shut up, already!

So, what's in the restricted area? Will one find a nice copy of the Necronomicon there in its original flesh binding? How about the Mysteries of the Worm . . . my Lovecraft lore is a little out of date, and I can't really remember the other titles. Oh yeah, there was "The Yellow Sign" as well . . . Blue Oyster Cult did a song abou that one. Anyway, look forward to that next chapter.
8/19/2005 c2 1Toxic Demon
Its good. defenitely better written than any of my stories. But its kind of boring. Just my personal opinion, maybe throw in something exciting at the beginning to grab peoples attention. Still good though I can't wait to read more.
8/4/2005 c2 9Alteng
Well, the story is moving along for me. You could write a bit more of the feeling of suspense in the main character's actions. How does she physically feel when she is scared or nervous. Like the last part, she could feel a twinge in her shoulders as she looked to the door. She could look at the door curiously. When she gave up to go back to bed, there is like a let down or a relaxation that comes when you head out.

I hope that you will go back to writing this soon, because I am interested in what you have up your sleeve, as I am certain that your other readers do,too.
8/4/2005 c1 Alteng
I owe you a reading from some time back. And, dang it, you like some others, read the piece that I least like! Anyway, to your piece.

I like the prologue. There isn't much to say until I read Chapter 1. You have risen a lot of questions, that will hopefully be answered in the first chapter.
5/21/2005 c2 14shadowscall
don't really have any suggestions for you. i say keep writing though. If i had any critisms i'd give them but i only noticed the one that was already mentioned. Well anway keep writing this story i wanna find out what happens next.
5/21/2005 c1 shadowscall
i say you should make a really good story out of this one. I guess you've already started. I'll read the next chapter. This is cool stuff.
5/21/2005 c2 89rira-chan
good chapter! update soon please!

5/16/2005 c2 4ScrewyOldDame
*Warning! Very long review:p*

This was really very, very good! I like how you immediately set the tone in both the prologue *which was a very good hook* and the first Chapter. Dark with some subtle humour. I love that! Something else you pulled off really well, the narrative of your character. You can tell right away what kind of person she is, and you really executed her introduction well. I liked the "My dada cutting pumpkin while I was asleep" bit, it made me crack up, it was the best place for that comment. You must own a cat!LOL. It was so farmiliar. I often search the house for eerie noises clutching something useless to defend myself *one time - a Holly Hobby Light - Up Desk to be precise! It was three AM and I was tired and very scared:P* only to find it is my cat playing with a ping pong ball. It was easily relatable, and that was a great touch. As for critique...not much! :D but I don't like giving comments without some form of critique so here it goes. There were some grammatical and errors like "For pitiful's sake cat," - not a lot mind you - but it distracted from a great line. That's another thing I liked too, the main characters thoughts and speech that just oozed charisma and character. I would have liked a bit more discription of the club - what did she think of the people there other than those unnattractive men who were looking for a one night fling? Why was she there? What was her behavior like? What did she think of her behavior? What about her friend's behavior? Yeah, so just little things like that. Again, I loved the narrative and all the little details you put in. You have a knack for creating suspense and tension - a great fit for the Thriller genre. I really hope you continue! Fabulous job!

-Lauren (RatherEccentric)
5/12/2005 c2 6Amaterasu Bastet
O! What is going to happen to her. Continue. Also some advice that you might want to fix (I am not meaning a bad way) The first chap second paragraph from bottom you need to fix a word. "As I saw her try to get back in again a hissed at her..." A should be I. Just thought that would help.
5/4/2005 c1 89rira-chan
This was a really good prologue! you should make a story out of it! it would be a good story!

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