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for The Chamber of Stars

8/17/2007 c1 Artzcreator
ooh nice story. What is the chamber of stars? Personally I picture it as something between memory, dream, and reality. ^_^ But maybe thats just my "obsession" with all three - which frequently appears in my stories lol.

I didn't spot/encounter any mistakes, it read smoothly. Nice short.. if you were going to make it longer you should definatly explain everything 'bit-by-bit' and keep the suspense going because it would suit the story. Hope you do continue it for it is interesting and an inspiring piece. :)

good one, all the best

bex
3/26/2007 c1 2Hemingway Solution
I think it'd sound better without the "imagine" in "I couldn't believe or imagine where I was."

The main trouble with this piece is that the reader doesn't get the chance to know Dylan or Dave very well, and this takes away a great deal. When I learned what happened to Dylan I had a very hard time caring. As the writer, you need to show why I should love Dylan as Dave did and why I should even care about them at all.

Also, your characters are flat as paper. Given the chance to pick them out of a line-up, I don't think anyone would succeed. The characters need more developement, Martha so that she'll seem like more than a throwaway character, Dylan so that we'll actually care about what happens to him, and Dave because he's your protagonist. Having a protagonist with which your readers cannot sympathize with can bring down even the best story.

In short, it was a nice little story, but under-developed. But that's easily fixed - you've already done the hard part.
2/14/2007 c1 24stargazerlost
i liked it, though it was sad at the end i can definitely picture the room in my head hehe good story
11/1/2006 c1 34Lyra Pocaterra
Wow, its really good, not weird at all, sometimes we have dreams like that. It sounds like it could go on, but its very good like that.
5/3/2005 c1 14Whitechapel
Really very good. I liked the feeling of weightlessness, and the out of place feeling of 'somewhere'.I liked that Dave was not prepaired for his destiny, yet his destiny seemed to be drawing near, anyway.I felt Dylan was too simply drawn, he needed more developement.Martha was a throwaway character, and deserved more treatment.This could very easily develop into a longer story.

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