for Ending In Tragedy1/5/2006 c1 
6Quietly Losing Control
Okey doke, i love your stories but I think you need to vary the names a little more. You called Brad 'Chester' a few times towards the end of this one and in other stories you've gotten names mixed up a little
6Quietly Losing ControlOkey doke, i love your stories but I think you need to vary the names a little more. You called Brad 'Chester' a few times towards the end of this one and in other stories you've gotten names mixed up a little
8/27/2005 c1 7Fizzy Top Kyle
Wow...your story made me cry! But I suppose that's what angst is. it was a beautifully sad story...good work.. *sniff*
7Fizzy Top KyleWow...your story made me cry! But I suppose that's what angst is. it was a beautifully sad story...good work.. *sniff*
5/13/2005 c1 Erin P
Oh this story is so sad! Good, but sad. Reading the part where they say goodbye for the last time before Brad goes to work and knowing that Mike is going to die was just heartbreaking. But why did Mark kill him? There wasn't really any reason given for why he hated and stalked Mike, why Mike mattered that much to Mark. Also, you accidentally called Brad 'Chester' in few places - you might want to go back and fix that.
Oh this story is so sad! Good, but sad. Reading the part where they say goodbye for the last time before Brad goes to work and knowing that Mike is going to die was just heartbreaking. But why did Mark kill him? There wasn't really any reason given for why he hated and stalked Mike, why Mike mattered that much to Mark. Also, you accidentally called Brad 'Chester' in few places - you might want to go back and fix that.
5/13/2005 c1 19freethephoenix
That was interesting. I don't know how I feel about the present tense first person story telling choice, but you stayed consistant throughout and I have to give you an A++ for that. I don't think I've ever read a present tense story that managed to avoided constant tense shifting.Grammar was good, spelling excellent, but your sentences could have used some spicing up. The whole story consisted of 'I did this. He did that. This went there.' etc etc. I'm not sure how exactly you would fix that given that you wrote it in first person and you really can't describe anything other than outward appearances and actions of other characters from that viewpoint.Getting away from mechanics, the actual plot of the story definitely filled my angst meter for the rest of the day. The beginning was sad, the rest of the story was sad because of the beginning and then the ending stayed sad, but a bit more accepting so it wasn't a completely tragic piece. Your main character makes me smile.Good work. I enjoyed muchly.
19freethephoenixThat was interesting. I don't know how I feel about the present tense first person story telling choice, but you stayed consistant throughout and I have to give you an A++ for that. I don't think I've ever read a present tense story that managed to avoided constant tense shifting.Grammar was good, spelling excellent, but your sentences could have used some spicing up. The whole story consisted of 'I did this. He did that. This went there.' etc etc. I'm not sure how exactly you would fix that given that you wrote it in first person and you really can't describe anything other than outward appearances and actions of other characters from that viewpoint.Getting away from mechanics, the actual plot of the story definitely filled my angst meter for the rest of the day. The beginning was sad, the rest of the story was sad because of the beginning and then the ending stayed sad, but a bit more accepting so it wasn't a completely tragic piece. Your main character makes me smile.Good work. I enjoyed muchly.