for The Traveler9/6/2005 c5 
1Clodhopper
another short chapter. I liked the dialogue they shared here especially and the knowledge that Red is like a child - are all of their kind like this? i would assume so but since i havent met any other yet...its funny how they call him fat etc.
Mack
1Clodhopperanother short chapter. I liked the dialogue they shared here especially and the knowledge that Red is like a child - are all of their kind like this? i would assume so but since i havent met any other yet...its funny how they call him fat etc.
Mack
9/6/2005 c4 Clodhopper
Water isnt exactly fuzzy maybe you can describe that differently? I would like to know some background of Joel, who he is, what his history is like, etc, maybe find a way to add that to this story. Red seems very very interesting though i would have joel given more time to decide on what nickname to call him since his name is such a long one. Maybe have him repeat it again or something or at least have Joel think. Again, more descriptions to make it flow smoother but other than that - perfecto!
Mack
Water isnt exactly fuzzy maybe you can describe that differently? I would like to know some background of Joel, who he is, what his history is like, etc, maybe find a way to add that to this story. Red seems very very interesting though i would have joel given more time to decide on what nickname to call him since his name is such a long one. Maybe have him repeat it again or something or at least have Joel think. Again, more descriptions to make it flow smoother but other than that - perfecto!
Mack
9/6/2005 c3 Clodhopper
Short chapter, sadly. Dialogue, as consistant, is great. Some extra details may have been nice. I especially liked the description of the cave. it was really attention grabbing
Mack
Short chapter, sadly. Dialogue, as consistant, is great. Some extra details may have been nice. I especially liked the description of the cave. it was really attention grabbing
Mack
9/6/2005 c2 Clodhopper
good way to end the chapter. I thought maybe a little more details as to whats going on would have been nice but thats a personal preference. Other than that, it was very well done in my opinion. Dialogue is certainally something you seem to excell at.
Mack
good way to end the chapter. I thought maybe a little more details as to whats going on would have been nice but thats a personal preference. Other than that, it was very well done in my opinion. Dialogue is certainally something you seem to excell at.
Mack
9/6/2005 c1 Clodhopper
It was interesting that you chose to make the Traveler in caps instead of in lowercase - used it as a title instead as just a phrase to substitute the lack of name. If I was to give some CC thus far, I would say be careful of using too many () they can be distracting and most of the time dashes will suffice nicely. That said, I though the intro was very eye catching and the dialogue was very natural. good job!
Mack
It was interesting that you chose to make the Traveler in caps instead of in lowercase - used it as a title instead as just a phrase to substitute the lack of name. If I was to give some CC thus far, I would say be careful of using too many () they can be distracting and most of the time dashes will suffice nicely. That said, I though the intro was very eye catching and the dialogue was very natural. good job!
Mack
6/1/2005 c5 Whynter
Good day! I'm glad you've continued! ^_^
I liked this chapter, and the descriptions weren't as tedious to me as the other chapters. =) Though, they still gave me a vivid picture of the story, and I could almost feel myself there. ^_^
I also loved the dialogue and psycology (I'm sorry if I spelt it wrong) of Red, because it really reminds me of a little child bouncing around without a care in the world. ^_^
And FAT CREATURE? (You made me laugh at that part. :P )
Oh, and I loved the descriptions for El-hareeshean as well. It reminded me of the Shire from The Lord of the Rings for some reason. ^_^ And I think that place is really beautiful.
Hm.. I frankly cannot make any complaints about this chapter, because I think it was really good. ^_^
And one more thing, please continue writing, and good luck! =)
~Kaze of the Sand
Good day! I'm glad you've continued! ^_^
I liked this chapter, and the descriptions weren't as tedious to me as the other chapters. =) Though, they still gave me a vivid picture of the story, and I could almost feel myself there. ^_^
I also loved the dialogue and psycology (I'm sorry if I spelt it wrong) of Red, because it really reminds me of a little child bouncing around without a care in the world. ^_^
And FAT CREATURE? (You made me laugh at that part. :P )
Oh, and I loved the descriptions for El-hareeshean as well. It reminded me of the Shire from The Lord of the Rings for some reason. ^_^ And I think that place is really beautiful.
Hm.. I frankly cannot make any complaints about this chapter, because I think it was really good. ^_^
And one more thing, please continue writing, and good luck! =)
~Kaze of the Sand
5/31/2005 c1 Georgiapeachy
Well, I'm much more of a poetry person than a prose person, so you will have to bear with me if I'm excessively concerned with itty bitty details. Overall it's a likable and readable story with an interesting atmosphere. By far the worst flaw I noticed was the excessive use of parentheses. Parentheses are like salt in my opinion; a little goes a long way and you want to you them sparingly. For me they break up the flow of the story and generally annoy me.
There are a few typos- "empty dessert, Father behind that" and I also think you might want to be careful with hyphens IE "– I swear to you –" Cliches such as "an adventure unlike anything you have ever imagined" are also a problem in this type of story. The later chapters are also much stronger- IV esp because I guess they just contain more interesting events. Also avoid Jar Jar Binks syndrome with "distinctive" characters like Redhondahel-Ark by either limiting their presence or limiting their speech quirks.
Otherwise I thought it was very strong and I think it could be better with some tweaks.
Well, I'm much more of a poetry person than a prose person, so you will have to bear with me if I'm excessively concerned with itty bitty details. Overall it's a likable and readable story with an interesting atmosphere. By far the worst flaw I noticed was the excessive use of parentheses. Parentheses are like salt in my opinion; a little goes a long way and you want to you them sparingly. For me they break up the flow of the story and generally annoy me.
There are a few typos- "empty dessert, Father behind that" and I also think you might want to be careful with hyphens IE "– I swear to you –" Cliches such as "an adventure unlike anything you have ever imagined" are also a problem in this type of story. The later chapters are also much stronger- IV esp because I guess they just contain more interesting events. Also avoid Jar Jar Binks syndrome with "distinctive" characters like Redhondahel-Ark by either limiting their presence or limiting their speech quirks.
Otherwise I thought it was very strong and I think it could be better with some tweaks.
5/29/2005 c4 aknightsgoldenrose
I like this story so far. Your descriptions though very nice sometimes become tedious to read so my only advice is to maybe shorten up the decriptions. Other than that this story is great.Keep working at it.
I like this story so far. Your descriptions though very nice sometimes become tedious to read so my only advice is to maybe shorten up the decriptions. Other than that this story is great.Keep working at it.
5/29/2005 c1 aknightsgoldenrose
The Arizona desert...ah yes something I know about unfortunatly. This is a great first chapter. Your descriptions of the scenery are beautiful.
The Arizona desert...ah yes something I know about unfortunatly. This is a great first chapter. Your descriptions of the scenery are beautiful.
5/24/2005 c4 16Jasper Riddle
Very good! I love the melding of his first and last name-funny!The way you described 'Red' was extremely vivid-I felt like I could see him, strutting about and muttering to himself. Please post the next chapter soon-I can't wait!
16Jasper RiddleVery good! I love the melding of his first and last name-funny!The way you described 'Red' was extremely vivid-I felt like I could see him, strutting about and muttering to himself. Please post the next chapter soon-I can't wait!
5/23/2005 c2 Jasper Riddle
This story is GREAT so far! I love the descriptions-very good. Keep writing!
This story is GREAT so far! I love the descriptions-very good. Keep writing!
5/23/2005 c4 Kaze of the Sand
Hey! (I'm sorry I'm not logged in at the moment) I'm glad you finally updated! ^_^
Again, I loved this chapter, and I liked how you added in simple humour. I tell you honestly, I was giggling at this part:
He again thumbed John roughly in the side. “Does it talk?” he said.
“Yes I talk, just, please, stop poking me.”
And how Red (Okay, I don't think I can pronounce his actual name properly either ^_^;;) used the third person's point of view. It made John seem so insignificant I couldn't help but grin! :P
Anyway, I don't have much complaints about this chapter. ^_^ And once again, I'm glad you updated! Please update again as soon as you can, okay?
~Kaze of the Sand
Hey! (I'm sorry I'm not logged in at the moment) I'm glad you finally updated! ^_^
Again, I loved this chapter, and I liked how you added in simple humour. I tell you honestly, I was giggling at this part:
He again thumbed John roughly in the side. “Does it talk?” he said.
“Yes I talk, just, please, stop poking me.”
And how Red (Okay, I don't think I can pronounce his actual name properly either ^_^;;) used the third person's point of view. It made John seem so insignificant I couldn't help but grin! :P
Anyway, I don't have much complaints about this chapter. ^_^ And once again, I'm glad you updated! Please update again as soon as you can, okay?
~Kaze of the Sand
5/20/2005 c3 Whynter
OH GOODNESS! What's going to happen? AAHH! *feels like whacking Zenidi for some weird reason* Anyway, as always, I loved this! ^_^ The suspense was really there, and you expressed it as expertly as you do with your vocab. Again, however, Zenidi spoke a little too long in one paragraph, but I think it's fine in this case. ^_^ Is he meant to be long-winded? Heh. Anyway, I can't say much, but again, I liked this chapter, and please update as soon as you can! I can't bear the suspense...! ^_^
~Kaze of the Sand
OH GOODNESS! What's going to happen? AAHH! *feels like whacking Zenidi for some weird reason* Anyway, as always, I loved this! ^_^ The suspense was really there, and you expressed it as expertly as you do with your vocab. Again, however, Zenidi spoke a little too long in one paragraph, but I think it's fine in this case. ^_^ Is he meant to be long-winded? Heh. Anyway, I can't say much, but again, I liked this chapter, and please update as soon as you can! I can't bear the suspense...! ^_^
~Kaze of the Sand
5/20/2005 c2 Whynter
I liked this one, too! You didn't drop at all, and I really want to know what's going to happen next! However, for the first paragraph, Zenidi spoke a little too long.. Maybe you could've let him stop in the middle or something, because I don't think it is possible that someone can speak that long. Heh, it hit me that Zenidi might not even be a human, but it still was a little weird.. Maybe you could let him stop somewhere, where he adjusted his glasses or something, to release a bit of the tension in that rather long paragraph there. Readers need to breathe, you know! heh. But seriously, you made me kinda breathless, too, because it was really really good! ^_^ Also, at the end of this chapter:
He forgot about everything except the sweet lullaby, that soft, cradling, ancient melody that held him close and brought him down to his knees.
“We’re here.” Zenidi’s voice was almost lost in the music.
I could sense that you wanted to add effect on that Zenidi said. (Sorry if I'm wrong. =P) But I tried reading that out loud, but it didn't really click. So I thought it would be better like this:He forgot about everything except the sweet lullaby, that soft, cradling, ancient melody that held him close and brought him down to his knees.Z enidi’s voice was almost lost in the music.
“We’re here.”
Yep, other than that, I would like to say again, I loved this chapter! ^_^ Heh, going to read the next one! Hooray! =)
~Kaze of the Sand
I liked this one, too! You didn't drop at all, and I really want to know what's going to happen next! However, for the first paragraph, Zenidi spoke a little too long.. Maybe you could've let him stop in the middle or something, because I don't think it is possible that someone can speak that long. Heh, it hit me that Zenidi might not even be a human, but it still was a little weird.. Maybe you could let him stop somewhere, where he adjusted his glasses or something, to release a bit of the tension in that rather long paragraph there. Readers need to breathe, you know! heh. But seriously, you made me kinda breathless, too, because it was really really good! ^_^ Also, at the end of this chapter:
He forgot about everything except the sweet lullaby, that soft, cradling, ancient melody that held him close and brought him down to his knees.
“We’re here.” Zenidi’s voice was almost lost in the music.
I could sense that you wanted to add effect on that Zenidi said. (Sorry if I'm wrong. =P) But I tried reading that out loud, but it didn't really click. So I thought it would be better like this:He forgot about everything except the sweet lullaby, that soft, cradling, ancient melody that held him close and brought him down to his knees.Z enidi’s voice was almost lost in the music.
“We’re here.”
Yep, other than that, I would like to say again, I loved this chapter! ^_^ Heh, going to read the next one! Hooray! =)
~Kaze of the Sand
5/20/2005 c1 Whynter
First off, I'd like to thank you very much for reviewing Lost in the Winds. I seriously thought no-one would bother reading it, heh. But you gave me a pleasant surprise alright. ^_^ Anyway! I loved this story. I have yet to read the next few chapters, but I would, after reviewing! ^_^ I ABSOLUTELY like your vocabulary, which you wielded expertly. You succeeded in giving me a vivid mental picture of your characters, and somehow, you made me wince when you described Dr. Henry Zenidi (Was impressed by that. ^_^) However, I noticed a few spelling errors (and I really mean FEW. There's so little I enjoyed it quite alot.) And also, try to cut down on the descriptive words a lil, because they sort of give your paragraphs a more lengthy look, and thus making the reader find it tedious to read. Other than that, I really liked it, and I agree that it has potential!
I'll be reading! =)~Kaze of the Sand
First off, I'd like to thank you very much for reviewing Lost in the Winds. I seriously thought no-one would bother reading it, heh. But you gave me a pleasant surprise alright. ^_^ Anyway! I loved this story. I have yet to read the next few chapters, but I would, after reviewing! ^_^ I ABSOLUTELY like your vocabulary, which you wielded expertly. You succeeded in giving me a vivid mental picture of your characters, and somehow, you made me wince when you described Dr. Henry Zenidi (Was impressed by that. ^_^) However, I noticed a few spelling errors (and I really mean FEW. There's so little I enjoyed it quite alot.) And also, try to cut down on the descriptive words a lil, because they sort of give your paragraphs a more lengthy look, and thus making the reader find it tedious to read. Other than that, I really liked it, and I agree that it has potential!
I'll be reading! =)~Kaze of the Sand