7/17/2005 c1 6Gilee7
This is rather good. I enjoyed it. I figured at first that it might be very slow and boring, but it had a nice pace, and my interest never wavered. The story is very happy, though, almost TOO happy. Reminds me of a Full House episode or something. Her family and her boyfriend and all the people seem too perfect to me. But that's good for a piece like this, because this is a feel-good story that's supposed to make you happy, and it works. To me the story isn't totally realistic, though, and actually seems borderline fairytale. But really, isn't that the point? The world is a depressing place, so sometimes it is good to read something like this and escape.

I noticed a few mistakes, spelling and whatnot, and although some people don't like it when you point it out, other's do. I always appreciate it. I tried to make note of a few things you should fix.

-Summer left the window open, walked around the table and plopped herself back down on her bead.- The first sentence in the 2nd paragraph, should be bed, not bead.

-Summer rubbed her soar shoulder- located in the 4th paragraph. Should be "sore" and not "soar". Two totally different meanings there.

-She thought she heard her father’s voice speaking but it was all so fuzzy now that every blended into one- that's in the section where she is praying not to die. You left out a word there.

Twice you jump ahead in time and it is unclear that you do so. There should be some sort of page break or just actually say "A couple hours later" or something like that so we know. Like for instance with John when he comes to see her. She says "Now, let's really talk." and then she's sitting up in her bed and flipping through a magazine. There is no transition there. It reads like she says that and then just starts reading a magazine instead. And a little later you to it again after she sings for the nurse, although that time it wasn't as confusing.

-"You could be big kid, you could be big!”- There should be a comma after the word big. The current way reads like he is saying she could be a big kid, big kid as in a fat kid or something.

Those were some of the more major things I noticed. There were a few more, but not many, especially considering the length in this.

The writing style I was a little disappointed in. I mean it wasn't bad. It was fine. It told the story very clearly and we do see it in our heads. But it's just so straight-forward. No real metaphors or similes or anything like that. You don't really try to impress us with some amazing writing. You just do the job with good storytelling.

I know it's all about God, and mostly throughout the story it's fine, but with the dialogue from the father when he mentions going to Catholic school and stuff, I found that so annoying. Like why in the heck talk about that NOW? It made me want to reach through my screen and slap him. It makes him not come across all that well.

I actually think I prefer your prose over your poetry. This was a good story. Very refreshing. Not really my taste, but still pretty good.