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for Angel on a GodForsaken Cinema

12/21/2008 c1 18The Last Xu
I found it interesting that the story is written in second person, which is not very easy to do. To be honest, I don't think I've read any story on fp that's in second person. You did a good job.

What bothers me is that... you say "today was." If you're talking about the past, then it should be "that day", unless at the end of the day you're recapping something that happened on the same day. (if that's the case, then ignore that comment.)

also grammar error!

"He followed you immediately putting the phone down." either a comma or an "after" in front of putting.

"But, pain, frustration, and desperation deafened you." no comma after but.

I think nearing the end you rushed the story, and there were more grammar errors, and the suspenseful mood became a bit jumbled.

I disliked the ending, to be honest. It was so rushed and... over-dramatic. It completely killed the entire mood of the story for me. Perhaps you should tone down the melodramatics a little.
9/4/2005 c1 8Sundown
I think this is definately my favourite of your stories...wow. Its so...pretty? is that the word for it? I dont know, i know what im trying to say but i can't say it ugh! But yeah, this was an interesting and effective little piece. yay! xx
8/31/2005 c1 theFlameFairy
I really liked this one. As I read it, it was darker and more meaningful than some of the other things you've written (not that your others weren't good). I like the pace of this, the description, the visual your reader gets as he/she reads. Usually I'm not a fan of explicitly sexual works, or slash, but nevertheless, I enjoyed this one. Keep up the good work!
5/25/2005 c1 25Esquirella
Very powerful!
5/24/2005 c1 4Finn Kaysen
That was stunning. Utterly stunning. Normally I have a hard time enjoying pieces written in second person, but this particular fiction I not only appreciated but enjoyed...well done.The aura of this piece is incredibly detailed and well thought out. I could actually feel the emotions rising within me as the words ebbed and flowed...this is an amazing work of fiction and I genuinely hope that you will continue weaving such enchanting words and furhter your endevours as a literary maven.

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