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for Fabulous Folds of Fat

2/1/2006 c1 7Alankria
Oh, that was so delightfully disgusting and hilarious at the same time. Poor, poor Alex.
1/15/2006 c1 6Gilee7
-She shielded her eyes from the sun with a podgy hand and saw her husband wave to her in the distance.- I started to point this out as an error, telling you that it should be 'pudgy;' but before coming across like an arrogant ass, I figured I should look up the word 'podgy,' and lo and behold, it's actually a word! I had never heard it before.

-She waved back gaily enough with her free hand, but when she turned to her caddy her face did not hold the same mirth.- This sentence is very awkward sounding.

-As they neared the house, Hyacinth stopped and sighed like a buffalo at a watering hole.- I laughed when I read this just because it was so bizarre and unexpected. It's definately a unique analogy; but is it an effective one? How does it have anything to do with the story? It's clever and humorous, but it seems very out of place.

-They slapped against her enormous thighs, sending an undercurrent of ripples to her feet.- LOL. A 4.0 on the Richter scale, eh? And for some reason, I'm having a tough time seeing this lady as really obese like you're describing her. She just doesn't act like it or something. Perhaps you haven't reminded us of that fact quite enough yet.

-She strode on up to the house, Alex struggling to keep up with her.- Instead of 'strode,' how about 'waddled?' That's how I picture all fat people walking.

-Even so, it spilled over the sides like unkneaded dough- LOL, 'unkneaded dough.'

-Using this as an anchor, she stood up and Alex watched the wave of fat descend almost gracefully from her neck to the small of her back – which, coincidently, wasn’t that small.- I'm having a very difficult time picturing this. I don't know how it's supposed to look and I'm kinda confused. Alex is standing in front of her right? So how does he see it ripple to the small of her back?

-“I hate him,” she whispered barely audibly.- "She whispered" would've sufficed.

-She turned and waddled from the conservatory- LOL! You used 'waddled!'

- He just thanked God she wasn’t on top of him, or he knew he’d never work again.- I'm finally seeing this woman for the hippo she is ... unfortunately, I must say, since I'd rather envision her as a really hot blonde instead, especially during this scene. But this is really funny, even though it's totally disgusting, too, which is always a nice combo.

-He struggled to stop her, but her frying pan hands had ripped the shirt apart and the buttons bounced off the walls.- LOL. "Frying pan hands?" You've found some very humorous analogies to describe her ... fatness.

-She lifted herself off the bed slightly, and searched her behind with her hand.- I think you should use a different word other than "behind" as I didn't read it as "her ass" but more as in the direction. At first I thought the sentence was missing a word or two, then realized what you meant. It could be clearer with a better word choice.

-PS: And no, the conservatory window panes aren’t soundproof.- LOL. This 'twist' with the letter was hilarious, especially this P.S. line.

-Triumphantly bringing out a small silver fork, she exclaimed, “I wondered what that pain was!”- I really don't like this, nor the ending line with the spoon. For some reason both instances kind of killed the story for me. Even though the fish slice thing was absurb and ridiculous, this seems almost too much. And to me, neither the spoon finding nor the fork finding was very funny.

This had that classic story like feel to it, one of those stories where it starts out like a serious drama but then turns into a comedy and at the end there's some crazy and hilarious twist. Although, of course, this story had its share of faults. Some word choices are questionable. Some sentences read awkwardly. Some instances need more writing, others need less. The story isn't perfect, but it's still quite entertaining.

I really did enjoy it. It made me laugh several times. I'm wondering about the ... culture(?) of this piece as it seems foreign. With the name Hyacinth and the way she talks and with the 'arse' instead of 'ass' and other little things like that, I'm wondering where this story supposedly took place; or if maybe you're not an American, either.

Anyways, this was quite a bizarre story. And I didn't see that twist at the end. It caught me by surprise, as all twists should. Thanks for making me laugh.
6/14/2005 c1 150SpawnMeister666
This is superb! Definately one of the funniest things I've read in a long time! Straight on my favorites list for this one!

Spawny
6/2/2005 c1 Demus
*shudder shudder*

You are sick. Very very sick.

But it was funny.

I now have to rinse my brain out with mouthwash. I also must go and read some gay porn to clear my head of icky thoughts.

Just kidding. Onto your next story!
5/25/2005 c1 Katabatic
*Falls off chair laughing* "She'd found the spoon too." hahahaha...Challenge complete!

Ps ...like unkneaded dough *shudders*

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