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for Shinjitsu

7/8/2005 c1 115HauntedMisery
This is good, great work!
6/3/2005 c1 26pneumothorax
Initially, the last line of each verse seems quite deep. I like how the "white cloth" and "silver tears" seem to link verses.

Initially I'd thought it was a moral rant or such towards a partner but it became sadder, more suicidal further in and seemed to talk to more than just the initial one person: from "So you tell me" to "None of you can control me". It seems less directed at a partner, less sexual, to anyone the speaker's supposed to have loved.

The eight verse ends: "Somethings aren't meant to be figured out till the end" and I really liked this. It also suggests that something's coming towards the end of the poem.

Sorry to quote more but I really liked these lines:"I needn't look below meFor I already know that awaits me thereI've seen it all along" - relatively melo-dramatic with the "I've seen it all along" line but initially, it works well.

There's some very simple lines within the poem.

Some work to sum up her overall opinions: e.g. "Never again shall I be responsible for hurting those around me" and "Simply because I'll never wait to see what happenes" and these are matter of fact, but are also affecting.

(sorry.. again, more quoting) There's some excellent descriptions that I'm glad you've fitted into a poem because they're often void of them: "A smile of utter happiness graces my features" this, again, is simple but works well to bring up images. The previous mentions of silks, and winds from being on a building create an image of calm and simplicity.

The actual death was well written - "And your heartbeat starts to accelerate and your eyes cloud" The use of 'accelerate' adds speed to it; the falling I assume.

Finally, an interesting line: "Just think that you aren't breathing from thinking of things you shouldn't" It seems like more of a personal idea to the speaker which was interesting. I've never thought of it that was and probably won't again, but I still loved that line.


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