for Double, Double, Toil, and Tiffany's?2/20/2006 c1 
7gingerbeer
Hi Islandbreeze! Sorry it's been a while since I've done anything fictionpress, homework, tests and all. I'm so sorry I haven't replied or looked at anything lately! Thanks again for the awesome reviews! I appreciate it especially when you've suggested things to change. Your suggestions are really insightful; I hope my suggestions help as much!
This first chapter has a very witty beginning. It got me asking "what happened?" The next remark made me laugh: "Make that twenty-four."
The main character is coming off as witty at this point. I got a little thrown off by "not good years for anyone," which made me think of president assassinations and the Civil Rights movement. After that, though, I realized you were talking about the fashion Grandam was wearing.
Love the girls' voice so far, and you've introduced the girl's setting really well too, because even though it's the first time I've read "Grandam" anywhere, it's also very southern-sounding. I absolutely love your description of Grandam through her hair, her "floppy" hat. Everything!
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time: "Grandam is no bean pole." Ahahahahah! Tasia's voice flows between her narration and "present" thoughts really well, like a story someone would be telling me straight out of her mouth.
Oh my gosh. I just realized what Grandam is! Just from what she's said! That was so subtle! Nicely done!
Just one tiny thing: did you really mean to say "a nice long date with Ben *at* Jerry's." ? Instead of "a nice long date with Ben *and* Jerry's." ?
Aw, sad! That's an interesting conflict between the two cousins, one who looks the part, the other who has the part. I love this world that you've created! "Ha, ha." Her narrative is so funny!
I'm trying my hardest not to spoil anything in this review, not to mention all the awesome aspects of this girls life I'm falling in love with. "I would nameth him..." is such a great example.
I've finished the intro! Ned to met Timm...
7gingerbeerHi Islandbreeze! Sorry it's been a while since I've done anything fictionpress, homework, tests and all. I'm so sorry I haven't replied or looked at anything lately! Thanks again for the awesome reviews! I appreciate it especially when you've suggested things to change. Your suggestions are really insightful; I hope my suggestions help as much!
This first chapter has a very witty beginning. It got me asking "what happened?" The next remark made me laugh: "Make that twenty-four."
The main character is coming off as witty at this point. I got a little thrown off by "not good years for anyone," which made me think of president assassinations and the Civil Rights movement. After that, though, I realized you were talking about the fashion Grandam was wearing.
Love the girls' voice so far, and you've introduced the girl's setting really well too, because even though it's the first time I've read "Grandam" anywhere, it's also very southern-sounding. I absolutely love your description of Grandam through her hair, her "floppy" hat. Everything!
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time: "Grandam is no bean pole." Ahahahahah! Tasia's voice flows between her narration and "present" thoughts really well, like a story someone would be telling me straight out of her mouth.
Oh my gosh. I just realized what Grandam is! Just from what she's said! That was so subtle! Nicely done!
Just one tiny thing: did you really mean to say "a nice long date with Ben *at* Jerry's." ? Instead of "a nice long date with Ben *and* Jerry's." ?
Aw, sad! That's an interesting conflict between the two cousins, one who looks the part, the other who has the part. I love this world that you've created! "Ha, ha." Her narrative is so funny!
I'm trying my hardest not to spoil anything in this review, not to mention all the awesome aspects of this girls life I'm falling in love with. "I would nameth him..." is such a great example.
I've finished the intro! Ned to met Timm...
11/29/2005 c7 20Pheobe Meryll
I adore this situation. I'm not going to scream cliche because it's simply too cute. I love these characters. Oh gosh, update soon, pleaze! :P
20Pheobe MeryllI adore this situation. I'm not going to scream cliche because it's simply too cute. I love these characters. Oh gosh, update soon, pleaze! :P
11/29/2005 c6 Pheobe Meryll
Awa! Cute, a romance. Interesting POV switching but you've done it before. It works, I guess, though if it were more organized into chapters it might look better.
Typo..."I see that’s why we al stopped."
I like your style very much, but I occasionally find signs of...well, I don't know if it's carelessness or what. Here's an example:
"Mary Agnes would have worried, but just then, a cute guy waved. She went to get some punch." This struck me a little lazy (normally I'm not this picky). Where was the cute guy? Where did he wave from? How did he wave? She WENT to go get some punch? Why not sauntered, or hurried off? And where did she go, to the other side of the room?...It's not so much a technical thing as a styalistic thing. If you're careful about details like that and keep them in consistantly it can improve your writing so much and add...atmosphere.
Awa! Cute, a romance. Interesting POV switching but you've done it before. It works, I guess, though if it were more organized into chapters it might look better.
Typo..."I see that’s why we al stopped."
I like your style very much, but I occasionally find signs of...well, I don't know if it's carelessness or what. Here's an example:
"Mary Agnes would have worried, but just then, a cute guy waved. She went to get some punch." This struck me a little lazy (normally I'm not this picky). Where was the cute guy? Where did he wave from? How did he wave? She WENT to go get some punch? Why not sauntered, or hurried off? And where did she go, to the other side of the room?...It's not so much a technical thing as a styalistic thing. If you're careful about details like that and keep them in consistantly it can improve your writing so much and add...atmosphere.
11/29/2005 c5 Pheobe Meryll
Oh dear. Muriel and Mary Agnes, I must say, are quite an entertaining pair.
*Grammar police*
"Inside the hollow of one of the old oaks, that Madame thought gave the place a haunted air." You don't need a comma here.
"Power didn’t take brains, skilled magic, oh yes, but power to ensure a strong line could some from anyone." After brains there should be a semicolon or period...you may want to rephrase the whole thing though.
"Some people might think I need counseling, I think I need adoption." Same issuew here. Two independant clauses must be seperated by a period or semicolon.
"But, her dress is tight and clingy, and has a kind of shiny, pearly purple lace at the top and serving as spaghetti straps." No comma after "but." That's where the natural pause would be, but it's not proper to put in.
*
Okay, I'm done policing. Great story - onward!
Oh dear. Muriel and Mary Agnes, I must say, are quite an entertaining pair.
*Grammar police*
"Inside the hollow of one of the old oaks, that Madame thought gave the place a haunted air." You don't need a comma here.
"Power didn’t take brains, skilled magic, oh yes, but power to ensure a strong line could some from anyone." After brains there should be a semicolon or period...you may want to rephrase the whole thing though.
"Some people might think I need counseling, I think I need adoption." Same issuew here. Two independant clauses must be seperated by a period or semicolon.
"But, her dress is tight and clingy, and has a kind of shiny, pearly purple lace at the top and serving as spaghetti straps." No comma after "but." That's where the natural pause would be, but it's not proper to put in.
*
Okay, I'm done policing. Great story - onward!
11/28/2005 c4 Pheobe Meryll
love-charmed emails!
This is a fun story. I guess the idea is somewhat cliche, but it's humor and who doesn't love a story like that? My only qualm would be that this chapter was twice as long as the last one and might as well have been separated into two, just for consistancy.
love-charmed emails!
This is a fun story. I guess the idea is somewhat cliche, but it's humor and who doesn't love a story like that? My only qualm would be that this chapter was twice as long as the last one and might as well have been separated into two, just for consistancy.
11/28/2005 c3 Pheobe Meryll
Hm short chapter. Interesting new characters. Willy nilly ferret tails...LOL
Hm short chapter. Interesting new characters. Willy nilly ferret tails...LOL
11/28/2005 c2 Pheobe Meryll
Still great.
"I was only a little insulted, worse things had happened before." you need something other than a comma to seperate this...period or semicolon.
a few sentances were out of wack in that they needed different punctuation. I think you needed a period somwhere here: Jestine wails, deciding this meeting isn’t exactly to her liking, well, guess what, my little witchy coz, I loathe smug eyebrow raisers!...
I'd like maybe more description to pad things out a little, although I know it's not supposed to be Les Miserables or anything.
Still great.
"I was only a little insulted, worse things had happened before." you need something other than a comma to seperate this...period or semicolon.
a few sentances were out of wack in that they needed different punctuation. I think you needed a period somwhere here: Jestine wails, deciding this meeting isn’t exactly to her liking, well, guess what, my little witchy coz, I loathe smug eyebrow raisers!...
I'd like maybe more description to pad things out a little, although I know it's not supposed to be Les Miserables or anything.
11/28/2005 c1 Pheobe Meryll
Wow. I admire you madly. I wish I could write stuff this funny. I'm hopelessly srious when it comes to writing, although I promise you my sense of humor is intact! Proof:
"it was a deep hate-hate relationship that had developed over many years." beautiful! hehe
"In fact, I would nameth him a nerd." LOL onward!
Wow. I admire you madly. I wish I could write stuff this funny. I'm hopelessly srious when it comes to writing, although I promise you my sense of humor is intact! Proof:
"it was a deep hate-hate relationship that had developed over many years." beautiful! hehe
"In fact, I would nameth him a nerd." LOL onward!
10/31/2005 c4 1rrmehta364
umm...im maybe stupid, but what does merde mean. anyways, really good chapter. look forward tro reading more.
1rrmehta364umm...im maybe stupid, but what does merde mean. anyways, really good chapter. look forward tro reading more.
10/31/2005 c3 rrmehta364
more awesomeley funny humor. really, i like mary agnes and muriel. i wonder what exactly they have to do with the plot.
more awesomeley funny humor. really, i like mary agnes and muriel. i wonder what exactly they have to do with the plot.
10/31/2005 c2 rrmehta364
i laughed quite hard. “No, actually, I’m a spy from Mars in this stunningly inconspicuous disguise hiding out in the crime capital of Earth to make sure all the mochachinos are made correctly, because of course, that un-exact amount of creamer could land you in the big house, my friend.” very funny. I like Tasia quite a bit. she makes me laugh, but doesnt seem too insane. her luck might nearly be as bad as mine.
i laughed quite hard. “No, actually, I’m a spy from Mars in this stunningly inconspicuous disguise hiding out in the crime capital of Earth to make sure all the mochachinos are made correctly, because of course, that un-exact amount of creamer could land you in the big house, my friend.” very funny. I like Tasia quite a bit. she makes me laugh, but doesnt seem too insane. her luck might nearly be as bad as mine.
10/18/2005 c7 2temblance
nice chapter- really entertaining to read. I'm interested in learning more about Jestine, and what's wrong with her. Tasia being betrothed is a funny twist. good job.
2temblancenice chapter- really entertaining to read. I'm interested in learning more about Jestine, and what's wrong with her. Tasia being betrothed is a funny twist. good job.
10/13/2005 c3 1Alzemu
have no idea who these are but they are funny. can't wait to read more about the ball.
1Alzemuhave no idea who these are but they are funny. can't wait to read more about the ball.
10/10/2005 c1 Alzemu
oh, nice piece of work here. I practically enjoyed reading this! oh, a note by the way, what do you mean by Grandam? you mean grandma? is it just the way Tasia calls her? also, the part about the world was kind of confusing to me. so is this a witch's world or what? can you make it a little clearer please? other than that, nice job! will be reading the rest soon.
oh, nice piece of work here. I practically enjoyed reading this! oh, a note by the way, what do you mean by Grandam? you mean grandma? is it just the way Tasia calls her? also, the part about the world was kind of confusing to me. so is this a witch's world or what? can you make it a little clearer please? other than that, nice job! will be reading the rest soon.