for ParaNormality4/27/2016 c1 
2Ckorkows
Galya, hi. I’m here with a review from Reverse Tag. I should say that my familiarity with screenplay style writing is limited to the scripts we used in high school drama programs, so please take that into consideration with my review.
Characterization:
Mikey: So, Mikey was interesting. At first I thought he was there only for comic relief, but as you developed the story it became clearer that he was a tragic character in this story. I will say it took me over half of the story to realize the girls could not hear him except when he banged things. Especially in the “present day” scenes. The way his narrative flowed so perfectly with theirs it seemed like they could hear him but were either intentionally ignoring him or were talking around him. But, once I figured out that they really couldn’t hear him, his role in the story definitely had more oomph to it. He wasn’t just the obnoxious ghostly brother, he was the first love of his sister’s best friend, a boy who has been stuck watching her grow up while he remains in his seventeen-year-old form.
The ending for Mikey was really beautiful, with the constant narrative of him suddenly disappearing giving us that “fulfilled mission” sort of feeling. Mikey was only needed until Sam found her next true love. Then, he could move on knowing his girl was taken care of. Or, at least, that’s the theme I got from this. I also like how his line “You guys seriously need to let go of the past.” Served as a foreshadowing of his imminent departure.
Sam: So, since Sam is like the Hero to Mikey’s Claudio, I chose her for my second character to analyze. To be honest, in the first handful of scenes I got confused between her and Vicky several times. But then again, in the flashbacks they were teenage girls and, having been a teenage girl myself, once you take away the “physical descriptions” that don’t typically happen in a screenplay all teenage girls basically say the same thing, just at different times.
I do like the theme of Sam struggling with commitment issues because her first love was taken away so suddenly, and really before either of them could admit their feelings for one another. It felt real, but I wish it had been woven throughout just a little more.
Plot:
Okay, so if I look at this story as a whole, the plot is really good. I like the tragic aspect of Sam and Mikey’s unrequited love, and the whole “letting go of the past” theme was done with a gentle touch as well. However, I didn’t know what the plot or the themes were until after I read scene 8. I think part of that was intentional on your part, but I did have one complaint.
In my opinion, Scene 6—the scene with Doug—wasn’t necessary at all. Sure, we saw some more of Sam’s love life, but I’m not sure that scene really added to the main ideas of the story. All it did was show us that Mikey got a little crazy when Doug hurt one of his living friend’s feelings. My big issue is that this was a really long scene, with a lot of filler dialogue and a one-off character, to show us Mikey cares. Coming off of the fifth scene where we get that tender “being hugged by a ghost” moment, scene six falls short.
Setting:
So, I did promise I would talk about setting with you. When it comes to a script, I’m a firm believer that you should only give the details that are pertinent. Describing the exterior of the house, or its exact location on a street, was unnecessary because we never “see” the characters in those locations. However, we did “see” the characters inside the home, going various places, so that initial layout of the home as it would be on stage was great. Your attention to which exits would lead the characters where was important, and I’m pretty sure you had people travelling to all the different locations (maybe not the rec room… so that might be unnecessary) throughout the script, so they were pertinent.
Well, that’s the three things I told you I’d discuss. As far as SPaG goes there were some missing commas throughout, but this was written a long time ago so that’s understandable. I have to say that when I started this story I really was expecting just a “two girls growing up and growing apart” sort of teenage story, so the poignant ending with Mikey and Sam revealing the affection they had for one another before his death, and Mikey’s moving on, was a delightful surprise. I think that if you’re interested in rehabbing this it would not take many edits to make it near perfection. A couple of cuts of the unnecessary bits, maybe some small additions to weave the themes throughout a little more, and you’d be set. :L)
Thanks for a fun look at my first script/screenplay in too long. Ckorkows
2CkorkowsGalya, hi. I’m here with a review from Reverse Tag. I should say that my familiarity with screenplay style writing is limited to the scripts we used in high school drama programs, so please take that into consideration with my review.
Characterization:
Mikey: So, Mikey was interesting. At first I thought he was there only for comic relief, but as you developed the story it became clearer that he was a tragic character in this story. I will say it took me over half of the story to realize the girls could not hear him except when he banged things. Especially in the “present day” scenes. The way his narrative flowed so perfectly with theirs it seemed like they could hear him but were either intentionally ignoring him or were talking around him. But, once I figured out that they really couldn’t hear him, his role in the story definitely had more oomph to it. He wasn’t just the obnoxious ghostly brother, he was the first love of his sister’s best friend, a boy who has been stuck watching her grow up while he remains in his seventeen-year-old form.
The ending for Mikey was really beautiful, with the constant narrative of him suddenly disappearing giving us that “fulfilled mission” sort of feeling. Mikey was only needed until Sam found her next true love. Then, he could move on knowing his girl was taken care of. Or, at least, that’s the theme I got from this. I also like how his line “You guys seriously need to let go of the past.” Served as a foreshadowing of his imminent departure.
Sam: So, since Sam is like the Hero to Mikey’s Claudio, I chose her for my second character to analyze. To be honest, in the first handful of scenes I got confused between her and Vicky several times. But then again, in the flashbacks they were teenage girls and, having been a teenage girl myself, once you take away the “physical descriptions” that don’t typically happen in a screenplay all teenage girls basically say the same thing, just at different times.
I do like the theme of Sam struggling with commitment issues because her first love was taken away so suddenly, and really before either of them could admit their feelings for one another. It felt real, but I wish it had been woven throughout just a little more.
Plot:
Okay, so if I look at this story as a whole, the plot is really good. I like the tragic aspect of Sam and Mikey’s unrequited love, and the whole “letting go of the past” theme was done with a gentle touch as well. However, I didn’t know what the plot or the themes were until after I read scene 8. I think part of that was intentional on your part, but I did have one complaint.
In my opinion, Scene 6—the scene with Doug—wasn’t necessary at all. Sure, we saw some more of Sam’s love life, but I’m not sure that scene really added to the main ideas of the story. All it did was show us that Mikey got a little crazy when Doug hurt one of his living friend’s feelings. My big issue is that this was a really long scene, with a lot of filler dialogue and a one-off character, to show us Mikey cares. Coming off of the fifth scene where we get that tender “being hugged by a ghost” moment, scene six falls short.
Setting:
So, I did promise I would talk about setting with you. When it comes to a script, I’m a firm believer that you should only give the details that are pertinent. Describing the exterior of the house, or its exact location on a street, was unnecessary because we never “see” the characters in those locations. However, we did “see” the characters inside the home, going various places, so that initial layout of the home as it would be on stage was great. Your attention to which exits would lead the characters where was important, and I’m pretty sure you had people travelling to all the different locations (maybe not the rec room… so that might be unnecessary) throughout the script, so they were pertinent.
Well, that’s the three things I told you I’d discuss. As far as SPaG goes there were some missing commas throughout, but this was written a long time ago so that’s understandable. I have to say that when I started this story I really was expecting just a “two girls growing up and growing apart” sort of teenage story, so the poignant ending with Mikey and Sam revealing the affection they had for one another before his death, and Mikey’s moving on, was a delightful surprise. I think that if you’re interested in rehabbing this it would not take many edits to make it near perfection. A couple of cuts of the unnecessary bits, maybe some small additions to weave the themes throughout a little more, and you’d be set. :L)
Thanks for a fun look at my first script/screenplay in too long. Ckorkows
2/18/2008 c1 Fawne
I love the dialogue in this piece! The use of Mikey is so wonderful, using him as a narrator but at the same time as himself. A couple of times when the scene changed, I was scratching my head in a bemused fashion, but that's because I am a very fast reader and often skip the details. I'm sure that if it had been performed in front of me, I would have caught on much quicker. :P The continuous use of imagery, and consistent "dislike of pop music", especially when used to end the piece was classic. I can't say how much I like the dialogue! You really should become a playwright. I am an aspiring one myself, and if you were in the business as well, I know the competition would be tough.
Thanks for a wonderful reading experience!
Fawne
I love the dialogue in this piece! The use of Mikey is so wonderful, using him as a narrator but at the same time as himself. A couple of times when the scene changed, I was scratching my head in a bemused fashion, but that's because I am a very fast reader and often skip the details. I'm sure that if it had been performed in front of me, I would have caught on much quicker. :P The continuous use of imagery, and consistent "dislike of pop music", especially when used to end the piece was classic. I can't say how much I like the dialogue! You really should become a playwright. I am an aspiring one myself, and if you were in the business as well, I know the competition would be tough.
Thanks for a wonderful reading experience!
Fawne