for The City of Stone6/23/2005 c3 
2Freemantle
§ The Oligarchy§ “even” is used a lot, play around and see if there’s only ways to portray the mountaineers of Mullinor§ “One overmastering thought drove their minds like a merciless whip-cracking slave master” = “One overmastering thought drove their minds like a merciless whip-cracking overseer”§ “average life-span of a Mullinorean King was slightly less than three years” = “average life-expectancy of a Mullinorean King spanned slightly less than three years”§ Good questions, leading us into the situation smoothly.§ “The patriarch's eyes gleamed with a fiery, if reined light which completely belied his age.” = “his great age” I presume§ “the brothers Skimfaxi and Hrimfaxi, elite among the Guild” = “the brothers Skimfaxi and Hrimfaxi, elite among those of the Guild”§ “"Finally, a quarter of an hour later, with no sound from beyond the door, Hefring's nerve and patience collapsed.” = “Finally, a quarter of an hour later, with no sound from beyond the door, Hefring's nerve and patience collapsed.”§ The cat and mouse scene was highly enjoyable and believable, except, why had none suspected each other when Unn was assassinated, if politics is so delicately treacherous? Are they so united. § Lovely web analogy of the socio-political hierarchy, realistic, complex and satisfies the reader’s curiosity. Have you read any of Ursula Le Guin’s books, I think you’ll like her Wizard of Earthsea series.
2Freemantle§ The Oligarchy§ “even” is used a lot, play around and see if there’s only ways to portray the mountaineers of Mullinor§ “One overmastering thought drove their minds like a merciless whip-cracking slave master” = “One overmastering thought drove their minds like a merciless whip-cracking overseer”§ “average life-span of a Mullinorean King was slightly less than three years” = “average life-expectancy of a Mullinorean King spanned slightly less than three years”§ Good questions, leading us into the situation smoothly.§ “The patriarch's eyes gleamed with a fiery, if reined light which completely belied his age.” = “his great age” I presume§ “the brothers Skimfaxi and Hrimfaxi, elite among the Guild” = “the brothers Skimfaxi and Hrimfaxi, elite among those of the Guild”§ “"Finally, a quarter of an hour later, with no sound from beyond the door, Hefring's nerve and patience collapsed.” = “Finally, a quarter of an hour later, with no sound from beyond the door, Hefring's nerve and patience collapsed.”§ The cat and mouse scene was highly enjoyable and believable, except, why had none suspected each other when Unn was assassinated, if politics is so delicately treacherous? Are they so united. § Lovely web analogy of the socio-political hierarchy, realistic, complex and satisfies the reader’s curiosity. Have you read any of Ursula Le Guin’s books, I think you’ll like her Wizard of Earthsea series.
6/23/2005 c2 Freemantle
§ The Council of Kings§ “Evander thought he saw an Empire fall with it” = “Evander envisioned a falling Empire.”§ “How that face had changed in fifteen years. Once cold, proud, and above all beautiful… yet now, whatever beauty remained lay hidden, enmeshed in a web of tangled deception…” = “Once cold, proud and above all beautiful, fifteen years later, whatever beauty remained in that face was hidden, enmeshed in a web of tangled deception…”§ “Eleanor's face was expressionless, inscrutable” = “Her aged face turned stony, expressionless and inscrutable.”§ “that Mullinor would one day rise again” = “that Mullinor would arise once more?”§ “"A young man stood in front of them” = “A young man stood in front of them”§ “"Well enough, Marshall Sahil. Eleanor nodded” = “"Well enough, Marshall Sahil.” Eleanor nodded” § “asked Evander in surprised” = “asked Evander in surprise”§ “The door of the Great Hall was before them.” Would sound more dramatic as “The door of the Great Hall stood before them”§ “quest for the Divine Proportion For the figures of men” = “quest for the Divine Proportion. For the figures of men”§ “Stretching out in front of the Hall” = “Stretched out in front of the Hall”§ “wondering what to feast their gaze on” = “wondering what to feast on”§ “Two statues of four lions” = “Two statues of four intertwined lions”§ “and Eleanor tore herself away from the ravishing gaze” = “and Eleanor tore herself away from the ravishing sight” gaze is awkward and overused§ “It was full five minutes” = “It was a full five minutes” = “It was five minutes”§ “like that of a hawk” = “like the beak of a hawk”§ “The silence was broken as he took his place on the podium, giving way to an excited chatter.” = “The silence gave way to an excited chatter as he took his place on the podium.”§ Can you describe Lord Nayak and the Count Dewan a bit more than he stood? Perhaps have somebody shuffle because they limp, nervously smoothing his jacket or his beard, or a frown et cetera. Something to make them look different, besides their reactions and words. Red-faced Merchant Prince Pallava was effective.§ “but his place was immediately taken up by Prince Harihara of the Cholas” = “Prince Harihara of the Cholas took his place immediately” passive sentence§ “enjoying the temptations” = “enjoyed the temptations”§ “"It's a long road to Kaladze," he replied” = ““It is a long road to Kaladze,” he repeated”§ “the terror which must have guided the hand which wrote it” = “the terror that must have…”§ "It's a long road to Kaladze," should be “It is a long road to Kaladze,” for maximum effect.§ “Silence filled the Hall.” = “The Hall was still… Rastogi's voice rose in the silence.”§ “admiration for Rastogi's spell” = “admiration for Rastogi's control” spellbound seems better than spell and can be employed elsewhere§ “"Friends, do I have you assent?"” “you assent” = “your assent”§ “After ten minutes of uninterrupted applause, the Hall unanimously voted for Rastogi to lead the armies of the Council of Kings, and each delegate promised Men.” = “Ten minutes of uninterrupted applause elapsed before the Hall unanimously voted for Rastogi to lead the armies of the Council of Kings. Each delegate promised Men.”§ “Men shall join us on the way.” “Men” = “Reinforcements”§ Confusing “Once again, a stir passed through the Hall. Eleanor took a swift glance at Evander. Lines of worry had suddenly creased his face. Intuition told her that something was amiss as well.” = “Once again, a stir passed through the Hall. Intuition told Eleanor that something was amiss. Eleanor took a swift glance at Evander. Lines of worry suddenly creased his face as well.”§ “"And remember friends, he is only here to deliver the message of the Oligarchy. He has the protection of the realm. No one may harm him.” = “And remember friends, he is only here to deliver the message of the Oligarchy. He has the protection of the realm. No one may harm him.”§ “Corfirth and the Council of Kings never surrenders to treacherous foes." = “Neither Corfirth nor the Council of Kings ever surrenders to its treacherous foes."§ “the end seemed to soon” = “the end seemed too soon”§ You set the main characters well and mislead, I was saddened that Sahil plummeted to his death, but it foreshadows the revenge is folly for all sides, the significance, yes? § Overall: wonderful prose, especially on the sun’s illumination of the palace and the ebony Council doors. Lodi’s story is told in the traditional moral tale, bravo! When they chanted the General’s name, I thought Lord of the Flies and the mob mentality/savagery. Oh, you’re a Star Wars fan, are you not?
§ The Council of Kings§ “Evander thought he saw an Empire fall with it” = “Evander envisioned a falling Empire.”§ “How that face had changed in fifteen years. Once cold, proud, and above all beautiful… yet now, whatever beauty remained lay hidden, enmeshed in a web of tangled deception…” = “Once cold, proud and above all beautiful, fifteen years later, whatever beauty remained in that face was hidden, enmeshed in a web of tangled deception…”§ “Eleanor's face was expressionless, inscrutable” = “Her aged face turned stony, expressionless and inscrutable.”§ “that Mullinor would one day rise again” = “that Mullinor would arise once more?”§ “"A young man stood in front of them” = “A young man stood in front of them”§ “"Well enough, Marshall Sahil. Eleanor nodded” = “"Well enough, Marshall Sahil.” Eleanor nodded” § “asked Evander in surprised” = “asked Evander in surprise”§ “The door of the Great Hall was before them.” Would sound more dramatic as “The door of the Great Hall stood before them”§ “quest for the Divine Proportion For the figures of men” = “quest for the Divine Proportion. For the figures of men”§ “Stretching out in front of the Hall” = “Stretched out in front of the Hall”§ “wondering what to feast their gaze on” = “wondering what to feast on”§ “Two statues of four lions” = “Two statues of four intertwined lions”§ “and Eleanor tore herself away from the ravishing gaze” = “and Eleanor tore herself away from the ravishing sight” gaze is awkward and overused§ “It was full five minutes” = “It was a full five minutes” = “It was five minutes”§ “like that of a hawk” = “like the beak of a hawk”§ “The silence was broken as he took his place on the podium, giving way to an excited chatter.” = “The silence gave way to an excited chatter as he took his place on the podium.”§ Can you describe Lord Nayak and the Count Dewan a bit more than he stood? Perhaps have somebody shuffle because they limp, nervously smoothing his jacket or his beard, or a frown et cetera. Something to make them look different, besides their reactions and words. Red-faced Merchant Prince Pallava was effective.§ “but his place was immediately taken up by Prince Harihara of the Cholas” = “Prince Harihara of the Cholas took his place immediately” passive sentence§ “enjoying the temptations” = “enjoyed the temptations”§ “"It's a long road to Kaladze," he replied” = ““It is a long road to Kaladze,” he repeated”§ “the terror which must have guided the hand which wrote it” = “the terror that must have…”§ "It's a long road to Kaladze," should be “It is a long road to Kaladze,” for maximum effect.§ “Silence filled the Hall.” = “The Hall was still… Rastogi's voice rose in the silence.”§ “admiration for Rastogi's spell” = “admiration for Rastogi's control” spellbound seems better than spell and can be employed elsewhere§ “"Friends, do I have you assent?"” “you assent” = “your assent”§ “After ten minutes of uninterrupted applause, the Hall unanimously voted for Rastogi to lead the armies of the Council of Kings, and each delegate promised Men.” = “Ten minutes of uninterrupted applause elapsed before the Hall unanimously voted for Rastogi to lead the armies of the Council of Kings. Each delegate promised Men.”§ “Men shall join us on the way.” “Men” = “Reinforcements”§ Confusing “Once again, a stir passed through the Hall. Eleanor took a swift glance at Evander. Lines of worry had suddenly creased his face. Intuition told her that something was amiss as well.” = “Once again, a stir passed through the Hall. Intuition told Eleanor that something was amiss. Eleanor took a swift glance at Evander. Lines of worry suddenly creased his face as well.”§ “"And remember friends, he is only here to deliver the message of the Oligarchy. He has the protection of the realm. No one may harm him.” = “And remember friends, he is only here to deliver the message of the Oligarchy. He has the protection of the realm. No one may harm him.”§ “Corfirth and the Council of Kings never surrenders to treacherous foes." = “Neither Corfirth nor the Council of Kings ever surrenders to its treacherous foes."§ “the end seemed to soon” = “the end seemed too soon”§ You set the main characters well and mislead, I was saddened that Sahil plummeted to his death, but it foreshadows the revenge is folly for all sides, the significance, yes? § Overall: wonderful prose, especially on the sun’s illumination of the palace and the ebony Council doors. Lodi’s story is told in the traditional moral tale, bravo! When they chanted the General’s name, I thought Lord of the Flies and the mob mentality/savagery. Oh, you’re a Star Wars fan, are you not?
6/23/2005 c1 Freemantle
§ Prologue§ Your introduction of Evander is quite apt. “years of apparent blood and sweat, toil and tears seemed to lend to his features forbidding grimness.” The phrase “to lend to” is redundant, just “to lend” is fine.§ For Eleanor “and it were her features which were remarkably the more striking of the two.” = “it were her remarkable features the more striking of the two” instead of “which were remarkably”§ More variety than “her wave of brown hair fell around her shoulders like spray from a waterfall” can be used if reworded “The waterfall of brown hair sprayed about her narrow shoulders in cascading waves”§ “a warm breeze” mentioned the second time, when Evander noted its presence could be just “a breeze” then he thinks “it was warm… too warm”§ Rolland has a “cherry-eyed face” ?§ “Evander felt desperation.” Simple, but he already felt this and that, what if “desperation clawed at Evander”§ Awkward “Evander was sure that he was mistaken.” = “Evander was sure that he had been mistaken.”§ Spelling error “Corfirth had a long and shockingly bloody history supported by the inflexible, unyielding bulwark of political ineviatibility” = “political inevitability”§ “He tried one last time.” = “He pleaded one last time” Sounds better§ “Had Evander known then that one Luminorean shirt could, years later, be responsible for the fate of four Empires, he would have been shocked.” Intriguing and makes the reader want to find out how that came to be.§ Overall: Very good.§ Carleon§ Split your sentences. “And it came about that on the Western shore of the isle of Mont, a boy was born to fishermen parents, and they name him Carleon, after the sea which was their source of livelihood.” = “It came about, on the Western shore of the isle of Mont, that a boy was born to fishermen parents. They named him Carleon, after the sea which was their source of livelihood.”§ “albatross” Great! I love Coleridge’s Rimes of the Ancient Mariner.§ Missing word “and a result Men had been dispatched to the four corners of Atlantium” = “and as a result”§ Redundancies “On his sixth birthday- the night his father initiated him into fishing- that night, the Mullinor war machine began to roll. In the dead of the night, a great fleet of war galleys, triremes and juggernauts left Munroe harbor for Callowton” = “On his sixth birthday, when his father initiated him into fishing, the Mullinor war machines began to roll. In the dead of the night, a great fleet of war galleys, triremes and juggernauts left Munroe harbor for Callowton […]”§ “Callowton was a peaceful kingdom of farmers and fishermen, and was overrun without a fight.” = “. Callowton, a peaceful kingdom of farmers and fishermen, was overrun without a fight.”§ “the shadow in the North grew long” Fantastic! I approve of the Lord of the Rings allusion§ “Desperate pleas for help went unanswered as the Council of Kings sat back and watched contentedly.” = “went unheeded” “watched passively” or “apathetic to the drowning conquests”§ “Night always fell this suddenly in Mont” = “As always, night fell quickly in Mont.”§ Want of connecting locations, not random observations “The eagle uttered a great cry before wheeling around and vanishing into the night sky.” = “Overhead, the eagle uttered a great cry before wheeling around and vanishing back into the night.”§ Details “and the eyes now transfixed him” = “and the unseeing eyes…”§ “Carleon's gaze traveled down the stricken rider's torso, still covered with the black cloak. His gaze was suddenly attracted by something strange… the man's right fist was tightly clenched, and something white glistened through” You used gaze twice in one paragraph, and the thought is, shouldn’t the death be strange in such a peaceful place, why would the message be? Sp: Travelled. “Carleon examined the stricken rider's torso, still covered with the black cloak. His gaze was suddenly attracted to the man’s right fist. It was tightly clenched, but something white glistened through.”§ “Gently, Carleon forced open the prisen fingers” First gently forcing is an oxymoron, one gets the idea that Carleon is careful when prying open the stiffened fingers so not to destroy the scroll, but not gently. I may be an ignorant buffoon, or insulting my dictionary, but what is “prisen”? I sense what it’s supposed to mean, but…§ “hallowed in circlets of both crimson and gold… crimson for the blood of thousands over the Aeons… and gold for the fragile peace which occasionally descended upon the Eastern Rim” is stronger as “Circlets adorned the script, crimson for the blood of thousands over the Aeons and gold for the fragile peace which occasionally descended upon the Eastern Rim.”§ Extra transition word “Yet barely had Carleon time to feel awe, or even fear, when a thunderous sound of hoofbeats filled the air.” = “Barely […] air”§ “a group of horsemen” = “the cavalry”§ “the growling voice sounded very disgruntled.” = “a very disgruntled voice growled”§ “obviously someone can't be far away" = “obviously, that someone can't be far away"§ “There was a deep silence…” can be deleted, you already establish the silence in the next paragraph§ “and far down below he could make out the swiftly moving specks which were the horsemen… and thankfully” = “and down below in the distance were the faraway specks of the horsemen, moving swiftly … Thankfully”§ "or a moment there” = “For a moment there”§ “Our of curiosity, Carleon stepped up one last time” = “Out of curiosity”§ “the lifeless corpse of the horseman” = “the lifeless corpse of the first horseman”§ Are you using “Aeons” for “Eons”?§ “As helmeted figure” = “As the helmeted figure”§ “seized up the sword… he thrust forward” = “and seized the sword, thrusting it forward”§ “Carleon took a giant leap back… and into space!” = “back into space.”§ Overall: unnecessary redundancy which takes away from the story, give the audience credit, they get the point. I liked the use of imagery in your descriptions. Nice use of inversions. *Blush* I actually had to look up “imploded”, great!
§ Prologue§ Your introduction of Evander is quite apt. “years of apparent blood and sweat, toil and tears seemed to lend to his features forbidding grimness.” The phrase “to lend to” is redundant, just “to lend” is fine.§ For Eleanor “and it were her features which were remarkably the more striking of the two.” = “it were her remarkable features the more striking of the two” instead of “which were remarkably”§ More variety than “her wave of brown hair fell around her shoulders like spray from a waterfall” can be used if reworded “The waterfall of brown hair sprayed about her narrow shoulders in cascading waves”§ “a warm breeze” mentioned the second time, when Evander noted its presence could be just “a breeze” then he thinks “it was warm… too warm”§ Rolland has a “cherry-eyed face” ?§ “Evander felt desperation.” Simple, but he already felt this and that, what if “desperation clawed at Evander”§ Awkward “Evander was sure that he was mistaken.” = “Evander was sure that he had been mistaken.”§ Spelling error “Corfirth had a long and shockingly bloody history supported by the inflexible, unyielding bulwark of political ineviatibility” = “political inevitability”§ “He tried one last time.” = “He pleaded one last time” Sounds better§ “Had Evander known then that one Luminorean shirt could, years later, be responsible for the fate of four Empires, he would have been shocked.” Intriguing and makes the reader want to find out how that came to be.§ Overall: Very good.§ Carleon§ Split your sentences. “And it came about that on the Western shore of the isle of Mont, a boy was born to fishermen parents, and they name him Carleon, after the sea which was their source of livelihood.” = “It came about, on the Western shore of the isle of Mont, that a boy was born to fishermen parents. They named him Carleon, after the sea which was their source of livelihood.”§ “albatross” Great! I love Coleridge’s Rimes of the Ancient Mariner.§ Missing word “and a result Men had been dispatched to the four corners of Atlantium” = “and as a result”§ Redundancies “On his sixth birthday- the night his father initiated him into fishing- that night, the Mullinor war machine began to roll. In the dead of the night, a great fleet of war galleys, triremes and juggernauts left Munroe harbor for Callowton” = “On his sixth birthday, when his father initiated him into fishing, the Mullinor war machines began to roll. In the dead of the night, a great fleet of war galleys, triremes and juggernauts left Munroe harbor for Callowton […]”§ “Callowton was a peaceful kingdom of farmers and fishermen, and was overrun without a fight.” = “. Callowton, a peaceful kingdom of farmers and fishermen, was overrun without a fight.”§ “the shadow in the North grew long” Fantastic! I approve of the Lord of the Rings allusion§ “Desperate pleas for help went unanswered as the Council of Kings sat back and watched contentedly.” = “went unheeded” “watched passively” or “apathetic to the drowning conquests”§ “Night always fell this suddenly in Mont” = “As always, night fell quickly in Mont.”§ Want of connecting locations, not random observations “The eagle uttered a great cry before wheeling around and vanishing into the night sky.” = “Overhead, the eagle uttered a great cry before wheeling around and vanishing back into the night.”§ Details “and the eyes now transfixed him” = “and the unseeing eyes…”§ “Carleon's gaze traveled down the stricken rider's torso, still covered with the black cloak. His gaze was suddenly attracted by something strange… the man's right fist was tightly clenched, and something white glistened through” You used gaze twice in one paragraph, and the thought is, shouldn’t the death be strange in such a peaceful place, why would the message be? Sp: Travelled. “Carleon examined the stricken rider's torso, still covered with the black cloak. His gaze was suddenly attracted to the man’s right fist. It was tightly clenched, but something white glistened through.”§ “Gently, Carleon forced open the prisen fingers” First gently forcing is an oxymoron, one gets the idea that Carleon is careful when prying open the stiffened fingers so not to destroy the scroll, but not gently. I may be an ignorant buffoon, or insulting my dictionary, but what is “prisen”? I sense what it’s supposed to mean, but…§ “hallowed in circlets of both crimson and gold… crimson for the blood of thousands over the Aeons… and gold for the fragile peace which occasionally descended upon the Eastern Rim” is stronger as “Circlets adorned the script, crimson for the blood of thousands over the Aeons and gold for the fragile peace which occasionally descended upon the Eastern Rim.”§ Extra transition word “Yet barely had Carleon time to feel awe, or even fear, when a thunderous sound of hoofbeats filled the air.” = “Barely […] air”§ “a group of horsemen” = “the cavalry”§ “the growling voice sounded very disgruntled.” = “a very disgruntled voice growled”§ “obviously someone can't be far away" = “obviously, that someone can't be far away"§ “There was a deep silence…” can be deleted, you already establish the silence in the next paragraph§ “and far down below he could make out the swiftly moving specks which were the horsemen… and thankfully” = “and down below in the distance were the faraway specks of the horsemen, moving swiftly … Thankfully”§ "or a moment there” = “For a moment there”§ “Our of curiosity, Carleon stepped up one last time” = “Out of curiosity”§ “the lifeless corpse of the horseman” = “the lifeless corpse of the first horseman”§ Are you using “Aeons” for “Eons”?§ “As helmeted figure” = “As the helmeted figure”§ “seized up the sword… he thrust forward” = “and seized the sword, thrusting it forward”§ “Carleon took a giant leap back… and into space!” = “back into space.”§ Overall: unnecessary redundancy which takes away from the story, give the audience credit, they get the point. I liked the use of imagery in your descriptions. Nice use of inversions. *Blush* I actually had to look up “imploded”, great!
6/22/2005 c1 fire-breathing-kitten
Hm...I just found this story and so have only started reading it, but...nice! Really great descriptions of the landscapes especially, and the plot has a lot of promise; I'm curious to find out how all this connects. This line: "Die Hamahand… sai nephta…" if it is written, it will happen, so they say. Especially interests me, I'm intrigued as to what that might mean.
One of the characters in my story is named Evander. :) So it was kind of funny to read that first part.
Hm...I just found this story and so have only started reading it, but...nice! Really great descriptions of the landscapes especially, and the plot has a lot of promise; I'm curious to find out how all this connects. This line: "Die Hamahand… sai nephta…" if it is written, it will happen, so they say. Especially interests me, I'm intrigued as to what that might mean.
One of the characters in my story is named Evander. :) So it was kind of funny to read that first part.
6/15/2005 c5 mmcphail
You kinda bashed us over the head with the whole 'Only one who can save the realm.' The mystery would work fine in the story, but you're really forcing it on us hard!
You kinda bashed us over the head with the whole 'Only one who can save the realm.' The mystery would work fine in the story, but you're really forcing it on us hard!
6/15/2005 c4 mmcphail
Hoe did Carleon travel so quickly? A city in one day, that's somewhat fair from a village, but Portown shouldn't have been so close. Maybe I'll read on and it will be explained...
Hoe did Carleon travel so quickly? A city in one day, that's somewhat fair from a village, but Portown shouldn't have been so close. Maybe I'll read on and it will be explained...
6/15/2005 c2 mmcphail
I have to give you credit, you are an amazing author. However, I myself being a mediocre author understand the wish to improve.
As your chapters are long, I'll just point out one thing that bugged me. "Everything about General Barat Rastogi could be summed up in two words: lion-like." 'Like' can be considered, a well, *doesn't want to insult superior author* bad word. Seriously. But I like your story!
I have to give you credit, you are an amazing author. However, I myself being a mediocre author understand the wish to improve.
As your chapters are long, I'll just point out one thing that bugged me. "Everything about General Barat Rastogi could be summed up in two words: lion-like." 'Like' can be considered, a well, *doesn't want to insult superior author* bad word. Seriously. But I like your story!
6/15/2005 c2 9Eyetk
Amazing..this is by far one of the best stories I've read on this site..
Just a few notes, that tripped me up while reading:
="The Council is no longer the invincible force which brought down Old Mullinor," replied Eleanor. "Rebel factions have burgeoned… secessionist movements flowered… and above all, petty jealousies and hatred blossomed into the full-grown parasitic vein."
"General Rastogi will carry us through," Sahil proclaimed confidently.
"Indeed?" Evander sounded openly skeptical.
Eleanor nodded. "I have yet to come across a man who possesses greater vitality and more force of character than the General."
*
Eleanor seems to be dispairing, and then she suddenly switches to confidence. Perhaps describe her change in expression here, to make it a bit smoother-her thoughts lighten, because she remembers that the general will lead her through, or...something. Evander does somewhat the same thing, earlier.
=
Sahil sighed. "Artonia was a vassal state under the protection of Orsint. It has been long sought by Fornor for its stone mines, and has even been the cause of two wars between the realms.
*
This segment comes right in the middle of a discussion between the larger group. Is Sahil saying this to the group at large? (It doesn't make sense that he would..) Perhaps somehow note that they're just talking in their group of three, there.
=
Also, throughout the piece, there seems to be inconsistancies with how much Evander knows. One minute, he seems to have a grasp of the situation, then he's back to asking why things are the way they are, then he goes back to being able to easily understand what's happening...yet it's all the same situation.
=
Keep writing, keep writing! I've only read up to the first chapter so far, but it looks wonderful (going to read the rest after I send in this reply). I could have gone into details about how wonderful it was, but it was much easier just to point out the few flaws then try listing all the good points..
I hope that one day my own writing can be this good!
9EyetkAmazing..this is by far one of the best stories I've read on this site..
Just a few notes, that tripped me up while reading:
="The Council is no longer the invincible force which brought down Old Mullinor," replied Eleanor. "Rebel factions have burgeoned… secessionist movements flowered… and above all, petty jealousies and hatred blossomed into the full-grown parasitic vein."
"General Rastogi will carry us through," Sahil proclaimed confidently.
"Indeed?" Evander sounded openly skeptical.
Eleanor nodded. "I have yet to come across a man who possesses greater vitality and more force of character than the General."
*
Eleanor seems to be dispairing, and then she suddenly switches to confidence. Perhaps describe her change in expression here, to make it a bit smoother-her thoughts lighten, because she remembers that the general will lead her through, or...something. Evander does somewhat the same thing, earlier.
=
Sahil sighed. "Artonia was a vassal state under the protection of Orsint. It has been long sought by Fornor for its stone mines, and has even been the cause of two wars between the realms.
*
This segment comes right in the middle of a discussion between the larger group. Is Sahil saying this to the group at large? (It doesn't make sense that he would..) Perhaps somehow note that they're just talking in their group of three, there.
=
Also, throughout the piece, there seems to be inconsistancies with how much Evander knows. One minute, he seems to have a grasp of the situation, then he's back to asking why things are the way they are, then he goes back to being able to easily understand what's happening...yet it's all the same situation.
=
Keep writing, keep writing! I've only read up to the first chapter so far, but it looks wonderful (going to read the rest after I send in this reply). I could have gone into details about how wonderful it was, but it was much easier just to point out the few flaws then try listing all the good points..
I hope that one day my own writing can be this good!
6/5/2005 c1 TG Muka
A very well-written first chapter. I've got a little issue with the exposition. Explaining the situation of nations and politics should, in my view, be part of the prologue or just be left for the story to reveal as the plot progresses. Also, I would have seperated the prologue and first chapter into seperate entities, but that's really a small thing. Very nice work.
A very well-written first chapter. I've got a little issue with the exposition. Explaining the situation of nations and politics should, in my view, be part of the prologue or just be left for the story to reveal as the plot progresses. Also, I would have seperated the prologue and first chapter into seperate entities, but that's really a small thing. Very nice work.
6/3/2005 c1 Ravenna Wildcombe
Are you ever plagued by introductions? If you are, you will know the utter loss at which I found myself upon attempting to begin this review. Thus confounded, this passaged has forced itself into beginning my review. Oh, well.
That said, perhaps the rest will be easier.
Hello! I am Ravenna Wildcombe, and it appears that I will be your Reviewer #1. I am honored.
I am serious.
It pains me to see that people will quickly respond to stories that are simpler and easier to read, but sometimes fail to reply to stories that actually have substance. Maybe they feel that there is little for them to say. Whatever the reason, I still think it's detrimental to the author's self-esteem.
I do not usually review stories. I do not usually read through many authors' first chapters. I feel like I'm training to be an editor, reading through the slush pile. It is a very messy morass. Sometimes it's very discouraging.
Your piece caught my attention.
It's GOOD.
That in and of itself is a feat. And yet, somehow, no one else will review? Sometimes I find myself questioning whether people take the time to read long and promising material.
I wonder if you already edited this yourself, before posting it? If so, you've done a good job; now it's my turn to dig my claws into it and suck the rest of the qualms out of it. I hope you don't feel like choking me by the end. (I don't trust myself in giving reviews to some of the other slush-pile stories. They'd start to loathe me.)
But I digress. The story. I will both critique and praise.
Prologue.
(I like books that start with prologues. It's a personal preference, I suppose, but it seems common in the fantasy genre and should fit very nicely.)
Corfirth shores...
I question whether it's necessary to have this place name at the beginning of the story. You establish the setting very quickly and with vivid description very early on, and identify the place within your writing. If you also have this place planned on a map, it would be easy for a reader to tell where it was. Your discretion.
Your use of language: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. The setting is set immediately, and you use more than one sense to invoke it...I may be telling you what you already know, but you did it well. I am also an unashamed fan of figurative language...
Just one note: The first sentence may be a little adjective-heavy. I'd suggest taking out at least one. Preferably either "desolate" or "barren," as they are almost synonyms. Same with "stillness" and "silent."
Perhaps a different adjective for the haze? You set up a gloomy atmosphere well, but this clashes with the "white" that you invoke. Maybe tone down the adjective a little more to make its effect less stark. A similar effect is found in the "screaming" rocks, in contrast with the "stillness of the night." I think you should tone down the harshness of the word you use to describe how the rocks _(scream)_ loneliness to the sky. Otherwise, it feels like I'm being battered in one direction, then the next...silence, or screaming?
Your use of ellipsis. You know- the ... s. It makes your sentences weaker. I usually use the ellipsis only in dialogue, when a character's voice trails off or they pause in between phrases as they think. Here, it jolts the reader. I think the transition to the next thought could be smoother.
Technicality: Semicolon. Change to a comma. Semicolons are only used when separating two complete thoughts; here, you extend the thought of the cold. (Ah, an unintentional example!)
"Hardiest" and "hard" in the same sentence...slightly repetitive. Maybe change one? I like "hardiest" more...
(Oh, no, now I'm giving you ellipsis examples. I apologize if you think I'm being overbearing.)
"Yet." Both instances in Paragraph 2. The first time it works, just. The second time, it doesn't. The writing would be much more comfortable if you simply replaced it with "still."
"Icy coffin." Good!
Yet again, "yet." You're using it in a different context this time, I see. I think it should be modified...either with a longer phrase, "Yet despite the chill landscape..." or removed.
"Shaktar Donetsk." I like it. Too often I see downright weird names used in stories. This has flair and personality. Excellent.
No comma between grand and stone. Is the "City of Hardaric" how it would be labeled on a map, or would it just be "Hardaric?" If the latter, don't capitalize "city." If the former, ignore me.
I like your use of ellipsis here. It fits the image/feel of the wind and its undulations that you are calling to our attention.
"The breeze finally DIED out..." Probably just a keyboard slip, "d" and "s" being so close to each other.
Hm. Since that's already taken me a good 30 minutes to write, I'll stop there for now. I've probably damaged you enough, right? Consider my suggestions, I suppose, and, most of all, keep writing. I'd hate to see this buried deep within the fantasy section, mowed over by stories that are perpetuated because their authors take fifteen minutes to write a chapter that's maybe one page long.
I've added you to my Favorite Authors list and my Author Alert list. I will proceed to read all of your works. (I feel like a stalker...rest assured that I'm just searching for someone competent to share ideas with...my chastity belt is clasped!) If you'd like me to continue critiquing, you can e-mail me at critiquing business does take a lot of work, though! Ah, well, good critiquing does. Once again, I must tell you that you show real promise and I'd love to be able to personally e-mail you to discuss elements of writing. It's so hard to find people like you.
I hope that this story will have a long life, and I encourage you to continue!
Sedain an conr meuch swi bwyf choidh rwytha-May the path before you be ever smooth.
Are you ever plagued by introductions? If you are, you will know the utter loss at which I found myself upon attempting to begin this review. Thus confounded, this passaged has forced itself into beginning my review. Oh, well.
That said, perhaps the rest will be easier.
Hello! I am Ravenna Wildcombe, and it appears that I will be your Reviewer #1. I am honored.
I am serious.
It pains me to see that people will quickly respond to stories that are simpler and easier to read, but sometimes fail to reply to stories that actually have substance. Maybe they feel that there is little for them to say. Whatever the reason, I still think it's detrimental to the author's self-esteem.
I do not usually review stories. I do not usually read through many authors' first chapters. I feel like I'm training to be an editor, reading through the slush pile. It is a very messy morass. Sometimes it's very discouraging.
Your piece caught my attention.
It's GOOD.
That in and of itself is a feat. And yet, somehow, no one else will review? Sometimes I find myself questioning whether people take the time to read long and promising material.
I wonder if you already edited this yourself, before posting it? If so, you've done a good job; now it's my turn to dig my claws into it and suck the rest of the qualms out of it. I hope you don't feel like choking me by the end. (I don't trust myself in giving reviews to some of the other slush-pile stories. They'd start to loathe me.)
But I digress. The story. I will both critique and praise.
Prologue.
(I like books that start with prologues. It's a personal preference, I suppose, but it seems common in the fantasy genre and should fit very nicely.)
Corfirth shores...
I question whether it's necessary to have this place name at the beginning of the story. You establish the setting very quickly and with vivid description very early on, and identify the place within your writing. If you also have this place planned on a map, it would be easy for a reader to tell where it was. Your discretion.
Your use of language: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. The setting is set immediately, and you use more than one sense to invoke it...I may be telling you what you already know, but you did it well. I am also an unashamed fan of figurative language...
Just one note: The first sentence may be a little adjective-heavy. I'd suggest taking out at least one. Preferably either "desolate" or "barren," as they are almost synonyms. Same with "stillness" and "silent."
Perhaps a different adjective for the haze? You set up a gloomy atmosphere well, but this clashes with the "white" that you invoke. Maybe tone down the adjective a little more to make its effect less stark. A similar effect is found in the "screaming" rocks, in contrast with the "stillness of the night." I think you should tone down the harshness of the word you use to describe how the rocks _(scream)_ loneliness to the sky. Otherwise, it feels like I'm being battered in one direction, then the next...silence, or screaming?
Your use of ellipsis. You know- the ... s. It makes your sentences weaker. I usually use the ellipsis only in dialogue, when a character's voice trails off or they pause in between phrases as they think. Here, it jolts the reader. I think the transition to the next thought could be smoother.
Technicality: Semicolon. Change to a comma. Semicolons are only used when separating two complete thoughts; here, you extend the thought of the cold. (Ah, an unintentional example!)
"Hardiest" and "hard" in the same sentence...slightly repetitive. Maybe change one? I like "hardiest" more...
(Oh, no, now I'm giving you ellipsis examples. I apologize if you think I'm being overbearing.)
"Yet." Both instances in Paragraph 2. The first time it works, just. The second time, it doesn't. The writing would be much more comfortable if you simply replaced it with "still."
"Icy coffin." Good!
Yet again, "yet." You're using it in a different context this time, I see. I think it should be modified...either with a longer phrase, "Yet despite the chill landscape..." or removed.
"Shaktar Donetsk." I like it. Too often I see downright weird names used in stories. This has flair and personality. Excellent.
No comma between grand and stone. Is the "City of Hardaric" how it would be labeled on a map, or would it just be "Hardaric?" If the latter, don't capitalize "city." If the former, ignore me.
I like your use of ellipsis here. It fits the image/feel of the wind and its undulations that you are calling to our attention.
"The breeze finally DIED out..." Probably just a keyboard slip, "d" and "s" being so close to each other.
Hm. Since that's already taken me a good 30 minutes to write, I'll stop there for now. I've probably damaged you enough, right? Consider my suggestions, I suppose, and, most of all, keep writing. I'd hate to see this buried deep within the fantasy section, mowed over by stories that are perpetuated because their authors take fifteen minutes to write a chapter that's maybe one page long.
I've added you to my Favorite Authors list and my Author Alert list. I will proceed to read all of your works. (I feel like a stalker...rest assured that I'm just searching for someone competent to share ideas with...my chastity belt is clasped!) If you'd like me to continue critiquing, you can e-mail me at critiquing business does take a lot of work, though! Ah, well, good critiquing does. Once again, I must tell you that you show real promise and I'd love to be able to personally e-mail you to discuss elements of writing. It's so hard to find people like you.
I hope that this story will have a long life, and I encourage you to continue!
Sedain an conr meuch swi bwyf choidh rwytha-May the path before you be ever smooth.