for Project EXILE 1: Darkest Winter6/9/2005 c1 
83Prevaricate
First of all.. the title is... a bit reaching. It's like you're trying to dress up something that really shouldn't be dressed up.
The poem itself.. there are a few things I liked. A few things. Okay, one thing. Verse two is alright. Definitely the best in the song... if it were mine, I'd cut the spoken parts altogether. It seems very... forced. Like you took two words that rhymed and then just /made/ them fit.
This could definitely be improved. Then again, nothing is ever perfect. :)
Keep writing.
Prev'
83PrevaricateFirst of all.. the title is... a bit reaching. It's like you're trying to dress up something that really shouldn't be dressed up.
The poem itself.. there are a few things I liked. A few things. Okay, one thing. Verse two is alright. Definitely the best in the song... if it were mine, I'd cut the spoken parts altogether. It seems very... forced. Like you took two words that rhymed and then just /made/ them fit.
This could definitely be improved. Then again, nothing is ever perfect. :)
Keep writing.
Prev'
6/9/2005 c1 6John the Savage
This is the worst example of a song I've read on this site. I can actually hear the likes of britney spears improving it. The word usage is that of a child half of the time and though the flow is better than some "songs," it's ruined by these "spoken" interludes.
Disgusting. On the bright side of the moon (which is by far a slim crescent), I actually wouldn't change anything in verse 2. That verse is actually well written; how the rest came to be, I'd rather not know.
6John the SavageThis is the worst example of a song I've read on this site. I can actually hear the likes of britney spears improving it. The word usage is that of a child half of the time and though the flow is better than some "songs," it's ruined by these "spoken" interludes.
Disgusting. On the bright side of the moon (which is by far a slim crescent), I actually wouldn't change anything in verse 2. That verse is actually well written; how the rest came to be, I'd rather not know.