6/18/2005 c1 7King-of-the-Carpet-People
Very well done, Lauren. I enjoyed the beginning greatly, though I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to reading it. It had some very strong points, but I found some of the dialogue a bit awkward and, sometimes, unnecesary. Also, I hope your purpose is to develop some kind of narrative personality that appears in the story somehow, otherwise it becomes confusing and adds nothing to the dramatic elements I can tell your story will be full of. One last critizism, that metaphor near the end about popping zits? To me that definitely shows that it is a teenager writing it and to some people(not me personnally) that will turn them off the story if they think it is too immature. Otherwise, I thought it flowed really well, with some good description of the scenes, and well thought out characters. Looking forwards to the next chapter!