for Phoenix Tears9/15/2005 c2 
14FyreFaerie14
Well, that was really good. but you sadi she was "loosing" her mother when it should have been "losing" her mother. i think your story was really interesting, and , as of yet, i cannot see any other large errors. No, wait, i don't think that Nimah thought like a nine year old. Oh well. Update soon!Farewell,Fyre Faerie
14FyreFaerie14Well, that was really good. but you sadi she was "loosing" her mother when it should have been "losing" her mother. i think your story was really interesting, and , as of yet, i cannot see any other large errors. No, wait, i don't think that Nimah thought like a nine year old. Oh well. Update soon!Farewell,Fyre Faerie
7/12/2005 c2 Mina
I have several thoughts after reading, and I will try to cover as many as I can, so please bear with me.
Your mechanics aren't bad... a couple of mistakes left behind by either yourself or your beta, but overall, you've tidied this up nicely. Your form isn't bad, the dialogue is believable, I like the approach you've taken to telling this story (first person POV, which I normally don't find interesting), and your beginning paragraphs have good 'grab' for a reader. Good work on all of these points!
To offer not a bit of constructive criticism, but simply just my thoughts, I failed to really feel this story so far. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that reading this made me think of those movies that pop up on Cinemax during the week, the kind you never see on movie marquees, but on video boxes, starring Eric Roberts and Elizabeth Berkely, financed by some studio I've never heard of before. I do not say this to be harsh; this is honestly the picture that comes to mind as I read.
I only say this because I think this could be much better. It just reads as if you have tried too hard to impress your readers rather than truly tell your story. The wording and flow feel over-emphasized and thought out, and your characters, though you've obviously put much thought into developing their backgrounds, don't interest me here in the reading present. There exists a bit of cliché in the storyline (i.e.- the circumstances under which Phaera and the King come together, the names you've chosen for many of these characters, the Solie Nar and their history... I have seen all of these before, only with different wrapping).
Now, with that said, I do think this is a potentially promising piece. I think that a rewrite or two, and a bit more originality would make this a much more memorable read, something I am sure you can accomplish. I also feel that taking an original writing class would be wonderful for you. You have some natural ability, and someone experienced enough to guide you and offer their professional opinion could greatly help you expand on that ability in time. You have a good deal to learn, but you are off to a decent start.
All in all, I think this is an okay job, with some time and work might be a good piece, and when you are older and more mature, I believe you just may write something more than good. Do not give up.
Mina
I have several thoughts after reading, and I will try to cover as many as I can, so please bear with me.
Your mechanics aren't bad... a couple of mistakes left behind by either yourself or your beta, but overall, you've tidied this up nicely. Your form isn't bad, the dialogue is believable, I like the approach you've taken to telling this story (first person POV, which I normally don't find interesting), and your beginning paragraphs have good 'grab' for a reader. Good work on all of these points!
To offer not a bit of constructive criticism, but simply just my thoughts, I failed to really feel this story so far. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that reading this made me think of those movies that pop up on Cinemax during the week, the kind you never see on movie marquees, but on video boxes, starring Eric Roberts and Elizabeth Berkely, financed by some studio I've never heard of before. I do not say this to be harsh; this is honestly the picture that comes to mind as I read.
I only say this because I think this could be much better. It just reads as if you have tried too hard to impress your readers rather than truly tell your story. The wording and flow feel over-emphasized and thought out, and your characters, though you've obviously put much thought into developing their backgrounds, don't interest me here in the reading present. There exists a bit of cliché in the storyline (i.e.- the circumstances under which Phaera and the King come together, the names you've chosen for many of these characters, the Solie Nar and their history... I have seen all of these before, only with different wrapping).
Now, with that said, I do think this is a potentially promising piece. I think that a rewrite or two, and a bit more originality would make this a much more memorable read, something I am sure you can accomplish. I also feel that taking an original writing class would be wonderful for you. You have some natural ability, and someone experienced enough to guide you and offer their professional opinion could greatly help you expand on that ability in time. You have a good deal to learn, but you are off to a decent start.
All in all, I think this is an okay job, with some time and work might be a good piece, and when you are older and more mature, I believe you just may write something more than good. Do not give up.
Mina
6/14/2005 c2 5chellziez
Hey this is a good start to what seems will be a great story, can't wait to see what you come with up next so please update soon!
5chellziezHey this is a good start to what seems will be a great story, can't wait to see what you come with up next so please update soon!
6/12/2005 c2 6Catherine Carter
! ^_^ Oh, this is really good. I was reading what you had going before, and liked it, and I can already tell I'm liking this a lot too! Please update soon! I can't wait to see where you're going with this.
6Catherine Carter! ^_^ Oh, this is really good. I was reading what you had going before, and liked it, and I can already tell I'm liking this a lot too! Please update soon! I can't wait to see where you're going with this.