for The Wolf Princess1/28/2015 c5 lawrencia
its great i like it already
its great i like it already
7/28/2007 c8 
6Carmel March
This is a truly wonderful story. Your descriptions are fantastic, They just let the reader see into this whole world you've created. I like the way you use dialogue; it's realistic and flows naturally. And the storyline is creative, keeps you interested throughout the entire read. Like I said, truly wonderful. Good job on this, and I can't wait for more :)
~carm~
6Carmel MarchThis is a truly wonderful story. Your descriptions are fantastic, They just let the reader see into this whole world you've created. I like the way you use dialogue; it's realistic and flows naturally. And the storyline is creative, keeps you interested throughout the entire read. Like I said, truly wonderful. Good job on this, and I can't wait for more :)
~carm~
3/26/2007 c3 10DarkBlysse
It's been awhile...but I'm back now! ^^* Let's get to it.
Wow...Selene sure lives in the middle of nowhere...dunno why I said that...just felt like it...
Again, you need to separate Selene reading from the wolves. I was really confused when it changed over. I was all..."Pack? Wha? But-Selene's not-Oh. New scene."
"...deer and eaten their fill."-Should just be "eat" and not eaten.
Ohh, I like the transforming thing. Nifty.
"Everyone, especially Sirus was..."-There should be a comma after "Sirus."
"...since he's a wolf hunter an all."-If you're trying to make the woman have her own little speech-quirk, then "an" should be written "an'"...or maybe it's a typo and you need to add a "d"...
"'Um, thank you.'"-I really don't like the "um" there. It can add dimension to dialogue, but it doesn't seem like it's needed here. Maria should be overjoyed that they've found Selene and should be sure of herself, not stuttering and saying "um".
"They had found her at last!"-I don't like the exclamation point, either. It should really only be used in dialogue, and not in narration.
Wow. Another awesome chapter. I loved how you explained about the royal wolves and how they transform. Really cool. Anyways, I'll be back for the next chapter soon! ^^*
10DarkBlysseIt's been awhile...but I'm back now! ^^* Let's get to it.
Wow...Selene sure lives in the middle of nowhere...dunno why I said that...just felt like it...
Again, you need to separate Selene reading from the wolves. I was really confused when it changed over. I was all..."Pack? Wha? But-Selene's not-Oh. New scene."
"...deer and eaten their fill."-Should just be "eat" and not eaten.
Ohh, I like the transforming thing. Nifty.
"Everyone, especially Sirus was..."-There should be a comma after "Sirus."
"...since he's a wolf hunter an all."-If you're trying to make the woman have her own little speech-quirk, then "an" should be written "an'"...or maybe it's a typo and you need to add a "d"...
"'Um, thank you.'"-I really don't like the "um" there. It can add dimension to dialogue, but it doesn't seem like it's needed here. Maria should be overjoyed that they've found Selene and should be sure of herself, not stuttering and saying "um".
"They had found her at last!"-I don't like the exclamation point, either. It should really only be used in dialogue, and not in narration.
Wow. Another awesome chapter. I loved how you explained about the royal wolves and how they transform. Really cool. Anyways, I'll be back for the next chapter soon! ^^*
3/15/2007 c2 DarkBlysse
Yay! I've got time to read another chapter, so here I am. Let's get to it, shal we?
"Her eyes seemed to make her even more strange, they were blue. And not just a regular blue, they were so bright that at times they seemed to sparkle."-The end of the first sentence is way off, gramatically speaking. And you might be able to combine both sentences into one, to make it sound better. Try something like "And her eyes, crystal blue, made her even more strange to the townspeople."
"...other children were having fun, maybe it wouldn't..."-Change the comma to a period so you've got two separate sentences.
"...and led her inside, "Come on in dear."-Two things here. 1)There shouldn't be a comma after "inside." It should be the end of the sentence. And 2) there needs to be a comma before "dear."
"...a boy in the front row spoke, 'She looks...'"-There's two things you can do here. You can either change "spoke" to said and leave the rest alone, or you can put a period instead of the comma and have "She looks weird!" as its own sentence.
"Selene was confused, she was weird?"-Again, comma to a period.
"...the giggles in the classroom stopped, 'Bobby, that...'"-In this instance, though, you should just change the comma to a period.
"Bobby's eyes lowered, 'Sorry.'"-Comma to a period.
"The teacher nodded, 'Selene..."-Comma to a period.
"Ignoring her parents constant warnings..."-You need an apostrphe in "parents'" because it shows possesion.
"...before she stopped, someone was speaking..."-Comma to a period.
"That was strange, they looked as though they were only in their early twenties, yet they already had gray hair?"-You seem to be mixing Selene's thougths in with the narration. All that will do is confuse readers. Try seprarating her thoughts from the rest of the story and putting them in italics as well. "{i}That's strange,{/i} Selene thought. {i}They look like they're in their early twenties, yet they already have grey hair.{i}"
"...man gray hair, his hair was light brown."-Comma to a period.
"... brown-haired man, 'You call yourself our leader...'", "'There was absolutely nothing to go on, she could have been taken...'" AND "The brown-haired man scowled, 'Really...'"-Commas to periods.
"...put his hand on Sirus' shoulder, 'Kain...'"-Comma to period. I like that name. "Kain" just has a nice ring to it. It sounds...wolfy. Ohh, maybe he IS a wolf! *Reads faster to find out* Oh, Oren sounds wolfy, too. I think I might be onto something...
"'That's enough!' the woman stepped forward, 'Kain...'"-"The woman..." should be a new sentence, and should end in a period before she speaks.
Ah, here we go. Good job expressing Selen's thoughts.
"Sirus sighed, 'You...'"-Comma to a period. But, if you were to tack "Sirus sighed" ont the END of the dialogue, you could have comma and it would be fine. The same goes for the next few bits of dialogue with teh other characters. I'm not really too good at explaining WHY you need to do that, so maybe find an English teacher to clear it up for you.
"That night, she laid..."-Should be "lay" not "laid." I hate using those words becuase I can almost never get them right. Bah.
Again, at the end, separate Selene's thoughts from her actions and the narration.
I have a suggestion for the flashback. It would look and read better if you distinguished it from teh rest of the story. Put it in italics and maybe change it to present tense. Put us inside Selene's mind AS it happens, not after the fact. It will give the reader more of an impact if it's different than the rest of the story, even if it's just in italics.
Another great chapter. Can't wait to read the next one. I wonder why those guys (wolves) want Selene? Is she a wolf, too? Gah! Too many questions, too short of a lunch hour to read another chapter. Phooey.
And kudos to me for figuring out the wolf thing! Ye-ah! ^_^
PS-What was with that "Blah" thing in the note at the start? I saw no "Blah..." O_o
Yay! I've got time to read another chapter, so here I am. Let's get to it, shal we?
"Her eyes seemed to make her even more strange, they were blue. And not just a regular blue, they were so bright that at times they seemed to sparkle."-The end of the first sentence is way off, gramatically speaking. And you might be able to combine both sentences into one, to make it sound better. Try something like "And her eyes, crystal blue, made her even more strange to the townspeople."
"...other children were having fun, maybe it wouldn't..."-Change the comma to a period so you've got two separate sentences.
"...and led her inside, "Come on in dear."-Two things here. 1)There shouldn't be a comma after "inside." It should be the end of the sentence. And 2) there needs to be a comma before "dear."
"...a boy in the front row spoke, 'She looks...'"-There's two things you can do here. You can either change "spoke" to said and leave the rest alone, or you can put a period instead of the comma and have "She looks weird!" as its own sentence.
"Selene was confused, she was weird?"-Again, comma to a period.
"...the giggles in the classroom stopped, 'Bobby, that...'"-In this instance, though, you should just change the comma to a period.
"Bobby's eyes lowered, 'Sorry.'"-Comma to a period.
"The teacher nodded, 'Selene..."-Comma to a period.
"Ignoring her parents constant warnings..."-You need an apostrphe in "parents'" because it shows possesion.
"...before she stopped, someone was speaking..."-Comma to a period.
"That was strange, they looked as though they were only in their early twenties, yet they already had gray hair?"-You seem to be mixing Selene's thougths in with the narration. All that will do is confuse readers. Try seprarating her thoughts from the rest of the story and putting them in italics as well. "{i}That's strange,{/i} Selene thought. {i}They look like they're in their early twenties, yet they already have grey hair.{i}"
"...man gray hair, his hair was light brown."-Comma to a period.
"... brown-haired man, 'You call yourself our leader...'", "'There was absolutely nothing to go on, she could have been taken...'" AND "The brown-haired man scowled, 'Really...'"-Commas to periods.
"...put his hand on Sirus' shoulder, 'Kain...'"-Comma to period. I like that name. "Kain" just has a nice ring to it. It sounds...wolfy. Ohh, maybe he IS a wolf! *Reads faster to find out* Oh, Oren sounds wolfy, too. I think I might be onto something...
"'That's enough!' the woman stepped forward, 'Kain...'"-"The woman..." should be a new sentence, and should end in a period before she speaks.
Ah, here we go. Good job expressing Selen's thoughts.
"Sirus sighed, 'You...'"-Comma to a period. But, if you were to tack "Sirus sighed" ont the END of the dialogue, you could have comma and it would be fine. The same goes for the next few bits of dialogue with teh other characters. I'm not really too good at explaining WHY you need to do that, so maybe find an English teacher to clear it up for you.
"That night, she laid..."-Should be "lay" not "laid." I hate using those words becuase I can almost never get them right. Bah.
Again, at the end, separate Selene's thoughts from her actions and the narration.
I have a suggestion for the flashback. It would look and read better if you distinguished it from teh rest of the story. Put it in italics and maybe change it to present tense. Put us inside Selene's mind AS it happens, not after the fact. It will give the reader more of an impact if it's different than the rest of the story, even if it's just in italics.
Another great chapter. Can't wait to read the next one. I wonder why those guys (wolves) want Selene? Is she a wolf, too? Gah! Too many questions, too short of a lunch hour to read another chapter. Phooey.
And kudos to me for figuring out the wolf thing! Ye-ah! ^_^
PS-What was with that "Blah" thing in the note at the start? I saw no "Blah..." O_o
3/14/2007 c1 DarkBlysse
I have to say, the title really caught my eye, so here I am.
"...had natural white hair..."-I'm not sure if you really need to say that it's "natural" white hair. Most babies don't exactly have their hair died, so you can probably do away with that description so it doesn't make th sentence too "busy."
I love how you talked about the eye color. That really made me stop for a second and just say "Wow, I wish I'd thought of something like that." Kudos! ^^*
"...and smelt fire."-Two things here. 1)I'm not sure if it's supposed to be "smelt" or "smelled," but I'm leaning towards the latter. 2)Try describing what it smelled like. Did it make the wolf afraid, as its instincts would tell it to run from fire, but she kept running towards it, to save the child?
Whoa, sudden shift. You should probably put a line in where it changes from the wolf to the people in the cottage, 'cause that totally threw me off.
"...But Henry and Margaret weren't afraid, Henry was a wolf hunter..."-You should make "Henry was a wolf hunter..." its own sentence.
Dude, that is So cool that the wolves can turn into humans.
"Their quiet was broken..."-This just sounded really weird to me. "The quiet," would work better. Or "Their quiet evening," or something like that. It just needs something added to it.
"Huh? What's this?"-The "Huh" just seems out of place. What kind of a setting is this in? If it's set in a more Victorian or another historical period (I'm just guessing it's not in modern times), or even since they're in a secluded wood, it doesn't seem to likely that they'd be using slang like that.
Two things at the end bugged me. There's just instantly a pendant in her hand. You didn't say a thing about it being on the ground. And secondly, it might work better if you told us what the inscription said. "Turning it over, she saw an inscription that read 'Selene'
'What a lovely name..."
Wow, that was a great prologue. Kudos for the title again (it caught my attention-but I'm easily amused by things, so, yeah...) I'll be sure to R&R the rest of this as soon as I can.
PS-I read your notes at the end, and I hope you get over your writer's block soon. I know other people have probably suggested this, but try reading other people's stories. They might inspire you. *Hint Hint* *Cough* Read mine! *Cough*
Yes, I have no shame. :|
I have to say, the title really caught my eye, so here I am.
"...had natural white hair..."-I'm not sure if you really need to say that it's "natural" white hair. Most babies don't exactly have their hair died, so you can probably do away with that description so it doesn't make th sentence too "busy."
I love how you talked about the eye color. That really made me stop for a second and just say "Wow, I wish I'd thought of something like that." Kudos! ^^*
"...and smelt fire."-Two things here. 1)I'm not sure if it's supposed to be "smelt" or "smelled," but I'm leaning towards the latter. 2)Try describing what it smelled like. Did it make the wolf afraid, as its instincts would tell it to run from fire, but she kept running towards it, to save the child?
Whoa, sudden shift. You should probably put a line in where it changes from the wolf to the people in the cottage, 'cause that totally threw me off.
"...But Henry and Margaret weren't afraid, Henry was a wolf hunter..."-You should make "Henry was a wolf hunter..." its own sentence.
Dude, that is So cool that the wolves can turn into humans.
"Their quiet was broken..."-This just sounded really weird to me. "The quiet," would work better. Or "Their quiet evening," or something like that. It just needs something added to it.
"Huh? What's this?"-The "Huh" just seems out of place. What kind of a setting is this in? If it's set in a more Victorian or another historical period (I'm just guessing it's not in modern times), or even since they're in a secluded wood, it doesn't seem to likely that they'd be using slang like that.
Two things at the end bugged me. There's just instantly a pendant in her hand. You didn't say a thing about it being on the ground. And secondly, it might work better if you told us what the inscription said. "Turning it over, she saw an inscription that read 'Selene'
'What a lovely name..."
Wow, that was a great prologue. Kudos for the title again (it caught my attention-but I'm easily amused by things, so, yeah...) I'll be sure to R&R the rest of this as soon as I can.
PS-I read your notes at the end, and I hope you get over your writer's block soon. I know other people have probably suggested this, but try reading other people's stories. They might inspire you. *Hint Hint* *Cough* Read mine! *Cough*
Yes, I have no shame. :|
3/13/2007 c9 BeneGesserit
just read the 10 chapters... i love your story...
a bit confusing though the way you shift from present to selene's time...
just read the 10 chapters... i love your story...
a bit confusing though the way you shift from present to selene's time...
6/25/2006 c1 54Andrew Joshua Talon
Hm, interesting. Kind of reminds me of a few Native American legends about wolves and so on. I'll keep my eye on this story, it looks good.
54Andrew Joshua TalonHm, interesting. Kind of reminds me of a few Native American legends about wolves and so on. I'll keep my eye on this story, it looks good.
5/6/2006 c9 Alesa x0o
WEll since everything is based on your email address, no worries, itll just change your name on everything! And I understand that you need to take time, I just hope that things go well! Good luck w/ stuff!
WEll since everything is based on your email address, no worries, itll just change your name on everything! And I understand that you need to take time, I just hope that things go well! Good luck w/ stuff!
4/7/2006 c8 1Fantasygirl721
I still think it's pretty good, but it did seem a little bit rushed. Also just a style comment, make the breaks between scences a little bit more obvious, I was kinda confused for a minute there. Keep up the good work, work on the pace and descriptions.
Fanastygirl721
1Fantasygirl721I still think it's pretty good, but it did seem a little bit rushed. Also just a style comment, make the breaks between scences a little bit more obvious, I was kinda confused for a minute there. Keep up the good work, work on the pace and descriptions.
Fanastygirl721
3/21/2006 c7 1Fantasygirl721
Very fascinating story. I really like it so far. The only thing that I can really sugguest is to add more descriptions. The people's eyes and hair you do well, but remember that they have other features. This will also help with your length struggles. I'm enjoying the plot and I can't wait until you have more, but take all the time that you need. So try and add some descriptions, but other than that, you're doing great.
Fanastygirl721
1Fantasygirl721Very fascinating story. I really like it so far. The only thing that I can really sugguest is to add more descriptions. The people's eyes and hair you do well, but remember that they have other features. This will also help with your length struggles. I'm enjoying the plot and I can't wait until you have more, but take all the time that you need. So try and add some descriptions, but other than that, you're doing great.
Fanastygirl721
10/2/2005 c6 Alesa x0o
THat was a very random chapter! lol! Umm, overall it was very well written, I didn't see many mistakes, but every once in a while you would spell 'Chloe' as 'Chole'.
THat was a very random chapter! lol! Umm, overall it was very well written, I didn't see many mistakes, but every once in a while you would spell 'Chloe' as 'Chole'.