for Unquiet Dreams2/14/2012 c2 
12Draketeeth
"And so the chaos began. . . That was when the real chaos began."
This repetition is dull. What would be better than chaos as stated the first time? You had a good show of life with an invisible kelpie, then had to go and rub in the reader's face that this was chaos again. No need to tell us twice. Show us instead.
"Another ugly rainfall set three rosebushes on fire, and struck down the ancient apple tree."
Frightful. Fire rain? No, lightning. Mention the fierce lightning storm and then the reader will have a better idea of how rain can set fire to roses.
"They were porcelain cats, woman, get over it!"
How long have they been married? That answer really took me by surprise and made me laugh.
"Polly was making her life much too eventful."
Awkward wording. I get it, but the 'much too' trips me up. Probably all personal preference.
"she could recoil in her bed"
recoil? Consider instead 'recline' or 'lay'
"steal both of her pillows and gallop out of the room"
heehee, pillow thief.
"He'd lost his memory, Lynn noted mentally."
Repeating things again. We know he's lost his memory, he just told us, repeating has to serve a point. She seems to get rather devious after this. Maybe feed the reader a little more of what's going on in her head. Can she use this to some sort of advantage? Is she plotting?
If you plan to re-write it won't hurt to flesh out some details, otherwise, push onward and rework when you are complete in the tale unless there is a plot point here that is in conflict with where you want the story to go.
12Draketeeth"And so the chaos began. . . That was when the real chaos began."
This repetition is dull. What would be better than chaos as stated the first time? You had a good show of life with an invisible kelpie, then had to go and rub in the reader's face that this was chaos again. No need to tell us twice. Show us instead.
"Another ugly rainfall set three rosebushes on fire, and struck down the ancient apple tree."
Frightful. Fire rain? No, lightning. Mention the fierce lightning storm and then the reader will have a better idea of how rain can set fire to roses.
"They were porcelain cats, woman, get over it!"
How long have they been married? That answer really took me by surprise and made me laugh.
"Polly was making her life much too eventful."
Awkward wording. I get it, but the 'much too' trips me up. Probably all personal preference.
"she could recoil in her bed"
recoil? Consider instead 'recline' or 'lay'
"steal both of her pillows and gallop out of the room"
heehee, pillow thief.
"He'd lost his memory, Lynn noted mentally."
Repeating things again. We know he's lost his memory, he just told us, repeating has to serve a point. She seems to get rather devious after this. Maybe feed the reader a little more of what's going on in her head. Can she use this to some sort of advantage? Is she plotting?
If you plan to re-write it won't hurt to flesh out some details, otherwise, push onward and rework when you are complete in the tale unless there is a plot point here that is in conflict with where you want the story to go.
2/14/2012 c1 Draketeeth
Interesting, starting the prologue with Yeats.
I'm not sure about the use of "You" in this. I don't feel any particular desire at this point to be put in the character's shoes and it seems a little forceful to try and shove me there. The idea of both parents dying and then going to live with an uncle rings of cliche, but it can be done successfully if you are careful. That in itself is not a story killer.
Would like to get a little more setting here to know of the time period. Planes are mentioned but it is all fairly vague.
Interesting, starting the prologue with Yeats.
I'm not sure about the use of "You" in this. I don't feel any particular desire at this point to be put in the character's shoes and it seems a little forceful to try and shove me there. The idea of both parents dying and then going to live with an uncle rings of cliche, but it can be done successfully if you are careful. That in itself is not a story killer.
Would like to get a little more setting here to know of the time period. Planes are mentioned but it is all fairly vague.
9/9/2005 c2 94kuasso
i like! seriously hope you're going to continue it, the descriptions, ideas and names and all are simply out of this world! admire, admire!
94kuassoi like! seriously hope you're going to continue it, the descriptions, ideas and names and all are simply out of this world! admire, admire!
6/28/2005 c2 1Dream Guardian
I love this story! It's really interesting, I hope you continue this! Please? Update soon!
1Dream GuardianI love this story! It's really interesting, I hope you continue this! Please? Update soon!
6/26/2005 c2 23Sylvia Ann Elliot
Rewrite. Always rewrite. This is good, but it can always be better. I think Jude should have been more interested in the possibility of someone who knew him before he lost his memory. You have some good lines in here and some bad ones. I would pick it apart, decide what phrases and snetences invoke the best imagery, and keep those. Rewrite the rest.
I liked the entire description of the ladies and gentlemen dancing, and I loved the last line. The idea behind this story isn't particularly original, but you render it so with your unique style and take on it. Good job so far, and update this soon.
23Sylvia Ann ElliotRewrite. Always rewrite. This is good, but it can always be better. I think Jude should have been more interested in the possibility of someone who knew him before he lost his memory. You have some good lines in here and some bad ones. I would pick it apart, decide what phrases and snetences invoke the best imagery, and keep those. Rewrite the rest.
I liked the entire description of the ladies and gentlemen dancing, and I loved the last line. The idea behind this story isn't particularly original, but you render it so with your unique style and take on it. Good job so far, and update this soon.
6/26/2005 c1 Sylvia Ann Elliot
This is a very intriguing prologue. I don't think it's too short at all. I loved the description of the kelpie and how she plays with it. Your title is very imaginative and draws the reader in. The reference to how she suspected her parents would die is also intriguing, as it makes the reader wonder if she is magical. I loved the style this prologue was written in: "This is how it feels to be Lynn." Very nice. All in all, a beautiful start to what I'm sure will be an excellent story, and I'm adding you to Author Alert so that I can read more.
This is a very intriguing prologue. I don't think it's too short at all. I loved the description of the kelpie and how she plays with it. Your title is very imaginative and draws the reader in. The reference to how she suspected her parents would die is also intriguing, as it makes the reader wonder if she is magical. I loved the style this prologue was written in: "This is how it feels to be Lynn." Very nice. All in all, a beautiful start to what I'm sure will be an excellent story, and I'm adding you to Author Alert so that I can read more.
6/18/2005 c1 3Ballerina with a Gun
Oh wow...I love the eloquence of this. I really don't see anything wrong with it. I love the well-writteness (not a word, I know) of it. Good job! Looking forward to more!
3Ballerina with a GunOh wow...I love the eloquence of this. I really don't see anything wrong with it. I love the well-writteness (not a word, I know) of it. Good job! Looking forward to more!