for Perihelion9/19/2006 c26 
7Asharadoth
There were a few spelling errors scattered throughout this chapter. It was much worse in that regard than any of the others I've read recently, which for the most part were perfectly fine.
The discussion of strategy was interesting and informative. You do seem to have all of this very well worked out.
I'm rather surprised about Genen, though; especially since he was so uncanny earlier in the story.
And I don't think you've explained anywhere just exactly what Denovai is, although I can imagine to some extent. I always used to think it was just a region of the Gulf.
7AsharadothThere were a few spelling errors scattered throughout this chapter. It was much worse in that regard than any of the others I've read recently, which for the most part were perfectly fine.
The discussion of strategy was interesting and informative. You do seem to have all of this very well worked out.
I'm rather surprised about Genen, though; especially since he was so uncanny earlier in the story.
And I don't think you've explained anywhere just exactly what Denovai is, although I can imagine to some extent. I always used to think it was just a region of the Gulf.
9/19/2006 c25 Asharadoth
w00t, fanatics. :D
Well now, this is all very interesting. I suppose, however, that the actual war occurs during the second part of the trilogy. Darn.
...you did say this was going to be a trilogy, yes?
w00t, fanatics. :D
Well now, this is all very interesting. I suppose, however, that the actual war occurs during the second part of the trilogy. Darn.
...you did say this was going to be a trilogy, yes?
9/19/2006 c24 Asharadoth
I noted something rather distracting about this chapter; namely, there are too many characters. When all you've supplied is a name, there's no telling them apart. You might as well not even bother naming them, if you don't intend to flesh them out as individuals. I still don't know what half your characters look like, you know ...
Still, the plot is building interestingly.
I noted something rather distracting about this chapter; namely, there are too many characters. When all you've supplied is a name, there's no telling them apart. You might as well not even bother naming them, if you don't intend to flesh them out as individuals. I still don't know what half your characters look like, you know ...
Still, the plot is building interestingly.
9/19/2006 c23 Asharadoth
Hahahaa ... poor Chase. Although, fair enough, it is a good thing.
Elling is rather obtuse though, isn't he?
Hahahaa ... poor Chase. Although, fair enough, it is a good thing.
Elling is rather obtuse though, isn't he?
9/19/2006 c22 Asharadoth
How ... doom-laden. What I can't understand is how they can be so convinced of their imminent demise, when Genen is known to be so all-powerful.
How ... doom-laden. What I can't understand is how they can be so convinced of their imminent demise, when Genen is known to be so all-powerful.
9/19/2006 c21 Asharadoth
Read this one a while ago, but never reviewed it. I'm aiming to catch up with the rest of the story now.
Chase seems, somehow, very *real*. The trauma, and indeed his whole psychology is natural and realistic. Good work.
It's a very long chapter ... I'm rather more used to seeing you write much shorter works, after Shades of Flame. It's not a bad thing, by any means. Long, detailed chapters are good, especially if you intend to publish.
Now, to go on ...
Read this one a while ago, but never reviewed it. I'm aiming to catch up with the rest of the story now.
Chase seems, somehow, very *real*. The trauma, and indeed his whole psychology is natural and realistic. Good work.
It's a very long chapter ... I'm rather more used to seeing you write much shorter works, after Shades of Flame. It's not a bad thing, by any means. Long, detailed chapters are good, especially if you intend to publish.
Now, to go on ...
7/3/2006 c19 2temblance
Okay- I couldn't resist reviewing one more chapter...happy 200th review!
"Corrupted by peace" that was an interesting phrase. I liked it. I felt like this chapter was a lot more telling than showing, but you wrote it well enough not to make me annoyed by it. actually, I thought it fit in quite well but I normally like dialogue/"showing" scenes better. Mercaren sounds shifty, but seems to be an interesting charater- I'm not sure, but I don't think you have featured a chapter in his viewpoint before...and this one has also given me a renewed interest in Genen Krae'set, because before I had been more concerned with others. I may have said this before, but this is written on such a grand scale- really an epic fantasy.
2temblanceOkay- I couldn't resist reviewing one more chapter...happy 200th review!
"Corrupted by peace" that was an interesting phrase. I liked it. I felt like this chapter was a lot more telling than showing, but you wrote it well enough not to make me annoyed by it. actually, I thought it fit in quite well but I normally like dialogue/"showing" scenes better. Mercaren sounds shifty, but seems to be an interesting charater- I'm not sure, but I don't think you have featured a chapter in his viewpoint before...and this one has also given me a renewed interest in Genen Krae'set, because before I had been more concerned with others. I may have said this before, but this is written on such a grand scale- really an epic fantasy.
7/3/2006 c18 temblance
Hello again- well, I think it has been seven months since I have last reviewed, so you can imagine how happy I was that I remembered your story and wasn't confused! Actually, this chapter about the aftermath of Caethis' death was the one I had really been waiting for so I was glad to read it. Interesting turn of events. And something else I noticed (maybe a little randomly)? I think that its cool that you have a balance of males and females in high positions in this story. Most stories I read are more biased towards one or the other, and feature more main characters of a certain sex, but this one seems pretty equal. And I am enjoying the different viewpoints from everyone. Anyway, I am too tired to say anything intelligent. Nice chapter, I will read more soon!
Hello again- well, I think it has been seven months since I have last reviewed, so you can imagine how happy I was that I remembered your story and wasn't confused! Actually, this chapter about the aftermath of Caethis' death was the one I had really been waiting for so I was glad to read it. Interesting turn of events. And something else I noticed (maybe a little randomly)? I think that its cool that you have a balance of males and females in high positions in this story. Most stories I read are more biased towards one or the other, and feature more main characters of a certain sex, but this one seems pretty equal. And I am enjoying the different viewpoints from everyone. Anyway, I am too tired to say anything intelligent. Nice chapter, I will read more soon!
6/27/2006 c23 3Blah246
Interesting turn of events, I wonder why they're heading there...
I like Elling, he reminds me of a walking wikipedia, just bursting with tidbits and trivia about the world around him. Also, nice character development for Chase and Jessica, but not much from the elusive demi-god Genen. lolz.
Heh, average. Well you know what they say about average people: as the legends die and fade into the endless river of time, the mediocre shall rise and take their place until they too are devoured by oblivion. Hell, even Genen had to be average, hard to imagine him as a kid though...
Oh, and in the sentence, "he began to winder if the ship was close enough to swim to..." did you mean wonder? Yah, I was useful. Happy, happy day.
3Blah246Interesting turn of events, I wonder why they're heading there...
I like Elling, he reminds me of a walking wikipedia, just bursting with tidbits and trivia about the world around him. Also, nice character development for Chase and Jessica, but not much from the elusive demi-god Genen. lolz.
Heh, average. Well you know what they say about average people: as the legends die and fade into the endless river of time, the mediocre shall rise and take their place until they too are devoured by oblivion. Hell, even Genen had to be average, hard to imagine him as a kid though...
Oh, and in the sentence, "he began to winder if the ship was close enough to swim to..." did you mean wonder? Yah, I was useful. Happy, happy day.
6/26/2006 c23 Alankria
"and Chase opened his eyes to darkness and the smell disinfectant chemicals." - I think it should be 'the smell of disinfectant chemicals.'
"as to work properly they need kinetics" - 'need' in this instance is present tense, so it needs to be changed to 'needed' or some other past tense verb.
"Tired and still note quite awake" - 'not, not 'note'
So they're headed to Ashal. Intriguing. I can see why you like Chase, actually; he's a very interesting character, and his perspective on events is refreshingly different from that of the various adults.
"and Chase opened his eyes to darkness and the smell disinfectant chemicals." - I think it should be 'the smell of disinfectant chemicals.'
"as to work properly they need kinetics" - 'need' in this instance is present tense, so it needs to be changed to 'needed' or some other past tense verb.
"Tired and still note quite awake" - 'not, not 'note'
So they're headed to Ashal. Intriguing. I can see why you like Chase, actually; he's a very interesting character, and his perspective on events is refreshingly different from that of the various adults.
6/26/2006 c22 Alankria
And now onto new chapters!
"It is expected that within a year the Psionic Network shall be released entirely." - Is 'released' really the word you mean to use? It looks wrong to me.
"for Genen Krae’set, once he has found this power, would indeed be able to control it. - You're missing the inverted commas at the end of this sentence.
Nice to see Aiden again. I did wonder what had happened to him.
Very interesting chapter. I love this line particularly: "but Adrhysen had been an old spider who spun many webs and Keler was not convinced that he had found all the marionette strings yet. Events had danced to Adrhysen’s will for twenty years before his unheralded death; Keler found himself unable to see all the ends his predecessor had worked towards." I can't wait to see where all this is headed.
And now onto new chapters!
"It is expected that within a year the Psionic Network shall be released entirely." - Is 'released' really the word you mean to use? It looks wrong to me.
"for Genen Krae’set, once he has found this power, would indeed be able to control it. - You're missing the inverted commas at the end of this sentence.
Nice to see Aiden again. I did wonder what had happened to him.
Very interesting chapter. I love this line particularly: "but Adrhysen had been an old spider who spun many webs and Keler was not convinced that he had found all the marionette strings yet. Events had danced to Adrhysen’s will for twenty years before his unheralded death; Keler found himself unable to see all the ends his predecessor had worked towards." I can't wait to see where all this is headed.
6/26/2006 c1 Alankria
You've changed this prologue a bit, haven't you? Have another review!
"only to hit the barrier again, and see the image of solid stone flash before his eyes." - Don't need that comma.
"swords drawn yet written across their faces" - I think you're missing out a word in this bit.
"the Nations were Ashal as a flea was to a wolf, and they were a flea had been very careful to not anger the dangerous predator." - This all sounds a bit odd; I think you're missing some words of something. Needs a bit of rewording.
I've noticed you say things like 'that was' and 'that' far too much, which interrupts the flow of the sentence, makes it feel too weighty, if that makes any sense. For example, in this: "as an organization that was glued together by telepathy" you could cut out 'that was' and have the sentence still make perfect sense, and also feel smoother to read. If you trim your writing a bit, cutting out some of those things, it would make it flow even more than it already does.
"Yet nonetheless it ultimately fell to the Guards and Psions to slay the enemy" - I think you should cut out 'nonetheless', because 'Yet' already makes the point.
I can't remember how different the original version was to this, so I'm afraid I can't say if this edited version is better. Still, it was interesting to read this again.
You've changed this prologue a bit, haven't you? Have another review!
"only to hit the barrier again, and see the image of solid stone flash before his eyes." - Don't need that comma.
"swords drawn yet written across their faces" - I think you're missing out a word in this bit.
"the Nations were Ashal as a flea was to a wolf, and they were a flea had been very careful to not anger the dangerous predator." - This all sounds a bit odd; I think you're missing some words of something. Needs a bit of rewording.
I've noticed you say things like 'that was' and 'that' far too much, which interrupts the flow of the sentence, makes it feel too weighty, if that makes any sense. For example, in this: "as an organization that was glued together by telepathy" you could cut out 'that was' and have the sentence still make perfect sense, and also feel smoother to read. If you trim your writing a bit, cutting out some of those things, it would make it flow even more than it already does.
"Yet nonetheless it ultimately fell to the Guards and Psions to slay the enemy" - I think you should cut out 'nonetheless', because 'Yet' already makes the point.
I can't remember how different the original version was to this, so I'm afraid I can't say if this edited version is better. Still, it was interesting to read this again.
6/18/2006 c18 Jasper Riddle
Okay, you need a character list or something, because I have a hard time remembering just who each character is-except for Genen, Jessica, Chase, and Quias, that is, but they were introduced first and I have a clearer image of them in my mind. Well, that and the fact that they're simply so individual. Whatever-maybe my mind's just going lax because of the sporatic updates.
I'm sorry to say that you probably won't be able to expect any more reviews from me-I find your story too confusing. You work on a chapter and re-update it, so I can read the same chapter twice and still be wondering what the hell's going on. This means I probably won't want to review until I've reread the whole thing, which will annoy me to no end. It'll take a while, in short.
Good luck.
Okay, you need a character list or something, because I have a hard time remembering just who each character is-except for Genen, Jessica, Chase, and Quias, that is, but they were introduced first and I have a clearer image of them in my mind. Well, that and the fact that they're simply so individual. Whatever-maybe my mind's just going lax because of the sporatic updates.
I'm sorry to say that you probably won't be able to expect any more reviews from me-I find your story too confusing. You work on a chapter and re-update it, so I can read the same chapter twice and still be wondering what the hell's going on. This means I probably won't want to review until I've reread the whole thing, which will annoy me to no end. It'll take a while, in short.
Good luck.
6/7/2006 c23 1rrmehta364
"Nobles’ Assembly" : Because its a proper noun, I don't think the apostrophe is necessary in my opinion.
"Indeed, the notion that two events were not related was absolutely absurd, and the blank spot in the South was likewise hardly an independent occurrence." : I think you might want to word that so that it doesn't sound like a broad that correlation means causation and more specific to the issue at hand.
"It was not news gladly received." : I think what that sentence was saying was a bit self -evident.
psychism . Kol word.
I don't see why it took so long to mention the girl (I think that's what you're referring to. I've fallen a bit behind so please excuse me for forgetting half the plot.)
"Welcome it, Ambassador, or welcome ruin!”" : The whole answer before that really didn't answer the question in my eyes.
Couldn't merchants just use the sea lanes?
"the mental commend" : minor typo here.
"for it was a command, for all that it lacked orders" : I think it would sound better without the 'for'
"and if she must be disgraced she refused to do so while looking a wreck. " : I think a comma after disgraced is necessary.
"and ridiculously crafted glass windows to prevent sound from leaking out." : I don't see why the adjective 'ridiculous' is there.
"yet she could not bring herself to give a full diatribe on the aspects in which she knew she had failed." : I always so the word diatribe as a rant against someone.
I like Seren. The frantic sort of way she thinks seems very realistic.
I didn't really see Seren like Genen.
Very Excellent Chapter. Sorry for falling behind. I like to see how all the growing subplots come together. As always, looking forward to updates.
-goodbye.
1rrmehta364"Nobles’ Assembly" : Because its a proper noun, I don't think the apostrophe is necessary in my opinion.
"Indeed, the notion that two events were not related was absolutely absurd, and the blank spot in the South was likewise hardly an independent occurrence." : I think you might want to word that so that it doesn't sound like a broad that correlation means causation and more specific to the issue at hand.
"It was not news gladly received." : I think what that sentence was saying was a bit self -evident.
psychism . Kol word.
I don't see why it took so long to mention the girl (I think that's what you're referring to. I've fallen a bit behind so please excuse me for forgetting half the plot.)
"Welcome it, Ambassador, or welcome ruin!”" : The whole answer before that really didn't answer the question in my eyes.
Couldn't merchants just use the sea lanes?
"the mental commend" : minor typo here.
"for it was a command, for all that it lacked orders" : I think it would sound better without the 'for'
"and if she must be disgraced she refused to do so while looking a wreck. " : I think a comma after disgraced is necessary.
"and ridiculously crafted glass windows to prevent sound from leaking out." : I don't see why the adjective 'ridiculous' is there.
"yet she could not bring herself to give a full diatribe on the aspects in which she knew she had failed." : I always so the word diatribe as a rant against someone.
I like Seren. The frantic sort of way she thinks seems very realistic.
I didn't really see Seren like Genen.
Very Excellent Chapter. Sorry for falling behind. I like to see how all the growing subplots come together. As always, looking forward to updates.
-goodbye.