8/31/2008 c8 tainted music
I like the way you present your story and you bring across the characters' emotions well but at the same time have the veil of mystery.

1/10/2007 c8 PrettyAwkward
I really like the story, the way you describe everything is good. Update soon.

1/7/2007 c1 1Lord Kelvin
I laughed upon opening this page. The paragraphs have a hell lot of "W"s, have you noticed?

Regardless, the summary sucks. It has neither capitalisation nor punctuation. English or boredom - grammar first, even if you're a lady.

Remove the poem. It makes you look like Shakespeare, only when he was an infant. Completely silly and overused, cliche. The poem will get you praise in some school essay, but original fiction is above that low level. If it's a motto, it is awesome, never less. If it's less, you're the lesser.

"Lily was small"

"Gwen was tall"

"The girl was contatious"

"Bree was blonde" and "vivacious" - love that word. If you also write "lissom" instead of "slender", you get a subjective plus for the rating. Back to paragraphs.

"Bree was bi"

All right. This is how your paragraphs start. Have you noticed that it's all the same schematic? "was". A tad boring, don't you think? It's not the first word that matters, it's the first sentence.

A magnificent introduction. It is grand, chock full of information. That is a problem by itself. Bear in mind that you've given each character a paragraph. Might have worked in some cases, but you give too much in too little time. Type in some information, then, some nonsense (action, dialogue) that won't make any difference in your story to let the reader's mind rest, and restart with the introduction. Little steps, not all at once - that's the way to do it. Note that published works have an introduction that lasts up to five chapters.

I do not approve on your word choice for describing perfection. "Subjective" is a far better term than "relative". "Relative", as a word, has a broader meaning range, thus, less relevant.

The final paragraph was a tad boring and incomplete. You've had such a shocking revelation there, but you ended it so cold and short. Expand the thought, add some mystery or suspense. One sentence extra should do it well enough.

Besides that, though, it would be hard to find something to complain about. The facade matters a lot. Thus, I review it, for improving the beginning usually effects a reader's interest rate in the rest.

Above average.

Have a nice, abuse-free day.

12/22/2006 c10 5ashes.rising
My God. This is...I mean...words fail me. You just left me frickin' speechless, and words are what I make my living with. Congratulations. It would be a horrible tragedy to leave this story unfinished. It's perfection. *continues babbling for quite some time before finally giving up* yeah, I like it a lot.

11/12/2006 c2 feeling better
i don't know when or why but after i read her tree experience, i soon found myself sobbing almost uncontrollably. it's a good thing. i think i cried because i know that numbness, i'm so glad it's not consistent continuously for her. it's horrible

i'm on chapter 2. i'll review when i'm on chapter 10 :]

8/25/2006 c10 46franticsquirrel
I think you write dark stuff well without laying it on too thick -I feel the pain vividly, but don't drown in the melodrama. so- nicely done.

You wanted impressions of Gwen and Lily, so here goes- They seem like the kind of people who have understanding that allows them to live on a level above/beyond most people; I mean, for example, that they not only try to help Rae, but they also understand her perspective well enough to do it. I get the same impression from the early description of their relationship, how it's something different than the standard function of a relationship in modern society, and almost mysterious. With occassional semi-taunting hints about them and each one's individual perfect beauty, it almost seems like Lily will turn out to be from a fairytale. The subtle tugofwar-or something- over Rae in chapter 10 kinda feels like a contradiction with the earlier air of aloof mystery. Overall it's hard not to like them. Well, I wrote kindof a lot; I hope some of it's useful.

4/24/2006 c10 80citrus scented
well im so sorry i took my time, but im glad i finally found the time to sit and read this chapter. "What can you say to someone like me? I wished I had been burned, so that the scars were open and obvious and no one had to fumble and question and then apologize before they stopped speaking to me. I wished Emily had been burned. Was burning. Her life could never have been as nightmarish as she had made mine"- woow, its nice to know you're keeping up your amazing talent with words. i can completely relate to so much, its strange, but the way you put it...yeah its amazing, hehe.

"That slender thing of fragile skin and bone was all that was keeping me together. A minute or two passed like that, while I fought the blackness tearing at my insides." - jesus i love this so much. tormet and beauty clash and contrast and explode, love it. Im sensing a slight mysterious/sinister(?) side to gwen, i seriously cant wait for the next update, i was worried there wasnt going to be one this time! as for the relationship between them two, well i always sort of it as Lily was that petite little fairy, the "perfect in that fucked up way" kind of girl- and Gwen protected her and kept her together. although after this chapter it seems there might be a darker side to the relationship, ? i dont know i probably completely misread this, but they definately seem very intense like theres alot of history there. about the first chapter- i think it works so perfectly, and ties in well by setting the scene. i still love the describing paragraphs of lily and gwen, espeacilly lily "like she'd stepped out a fairytale and decided to stay"- how gorgeous. although it is written in "we" not like the rest- but i think this works well. anyway great chapter, really enjoying this story and just want there to be so much more so i can find out where its going! hehe. keep it up, hope your alright. :)

3/4/2006 c10 6onlyshallow
Gasp!

Oh, I have to read more. I want to know what Gwen is up to! :D

You asked for stuff on Gwen & Lily, so here:

I really like the contrast between the two. It's not completely black and white (or cliche) but they are still on very different sides of the spectrum.

For some reason I am addicted to reading more Gwen/Lily. I don't know why. I like the way they interact. I want to know more about them. They draw me in, I suppose. If they were real people I would want to spend time with them and learn to drive and write nature poetry and stuff. It's like, they've got their own world, and everyone wants at least a taste of that world. And that puts a spin on how you first described them in the story. They almost seemed like celebrities to everyone else. Ethereal. And people wondered about them and talked about them. It makes you wonder how two seemingly normal people can have that kind of magnetism.

And I like how Gwen is kind of going protective/jealous/evil. I mean, I don't want to see Gwen or Rae or Lily get hurt or anything, but it just seems to fit perfectly somehow. I don't know. Somewhere you wrote that Rae was like an intruder. I'd like to see where that goes.

Anyways, this hasn't been very constructive, but yeah. And if this goddamned thing gets cut off, I am going to be so pissed. D:

[PS: Hurry with the next installment! I am jiggling with anticipation! :)]