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1/7/2006 c1 10notACTUALLYwriting
a footstep. Fweekie.
11/24/2005 c1 Shaen
You have written much better in the past - this is average compared to your other work. I suggest getting a good beta reader, or at least someone to discuss ideas and literary techniques with.

I *could* point out everything that I felt could be inproved, but all in all, I personally think that it is your job as an author. For example;

"... but I felt myself compelled to carry on." - the reflexive 'myself' isn't needed; you already indicated that you felt something, and 'I felt compelled to carry on' is much sharper.

'middle of nowhere' is a little banal and takes away from the tension of the sentence. If I were you I would describe the feeling of being without the support of the barrier, maybe add in a similarity of being on a ledge as if there is a large black chasm below you, or something to that effect.

Maybe use italics for thoughts? Or at least put them in '...' or something. Some sentences such as "Hole in the wall, I thought, not good", i think look better as 'Hole in the wall', I thought, 'not good' as the thoughts are set out as speech is.

Like I said before, I am not going to analyse the entire story for you :P
10/31/2005 c1 90Dragonzz
that was so AWESOME! You're such an great writer. Great imagery! It seemed so... real...! Great

7/26/2005 c1 7gingerbeer
This was so very, very, SCARY! By the end I was huddled in a bunch, my eyes glued to the screen. It's supposed to be hot and I've got chills up my spine.

Thanks, also, for teaching me so many good transitions to segue into a description. The flow was incredible. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
7/7/2005 c1 J.J. Bhangley
This was really eerie. I like the narration of the story, you seem to be really strong in first person narrative. reading this reminded me of reading something of edgar allen poe's. You have some really great stuff, keep it up!
7/7/2005 c1 9Michael Gerard
Well done! Very cool - I can tell that this must have been a really scary dream. The chasey dreams are the scariest. I think that what makes it work is the simple form e.g. "I heard a footstep on the floor below. And another." Good build of tension towards the end.

Thanx for your review of The Ice Queen! I've updated it! :D
7/6/2005 c1 John Terminus anderson Carter
This kept me at the edge of seat. The writing is superb and the story is suspenseful. I can't wait for the rest of the story

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