9/27/2005 c1 39Moppish
This has some really cool rhyming and dark images in it but it goes on forever. I am deffinitely guilty of over writing and repeating myself and so forth, but here, you really do say the same thing over and over again in like five sections. So condense it. Take the rhymes and phrases you like the best. You don't neccessarily need four or five phrases with one rhyme. You can be irregular and have two from one bit and three from another. Or you can mix and match them in couplets or ABAB form. What you have here is a bit like a brainstorm. So select the best things from it, organize it, present it, and it will be much better.

7/11/2005 c1 16Insanity of the Heart
Love it! If you read it out loud, it has wonderful rhythm. Brilliant!