4/27/2006 c1 18lulujynxgemini
aw, that's so sweet! the part about onlookers seeing his bad sad but you seing his good side, that's so true! a lot of people i know don't like my boyfriend, and to be completely honest, when i first met him i didn't either, but then i got to know him and i now see his good side and find it difficult to understand why people don't like him

anyways, i really enjoyed this, i notcied a few errors and awkward sentences in it, but nothing really major or anything.

7/25/2005 c1 6Gilee7
Why am I disappointed by this? It wasn't because of the writing or anything. I actually enjoyed this, and I thought the writing was good. But it wasn't the ending I was hoping for or expecting. I was hoping she would end up with Jake and not Arthur. Arthur seemed like an ass to me. You didn't make him very likeable. Yet, Jake is the opposite. I was pulling for him, and I was very disappointed when he didn't get to be with her. I feel bad for him. Poor Jake.

-you think, Oh, God, not on of these stories again- I noticed quite a few minor errors like this. Should be "one" instead of "on"

-I came back several days later, as people often do when they leave down for just a couple days.- I'm guessing the "down" was supposed to be "town".

-His head was down. When he lifted it up, our eyes met, and I could’ve sworn that he somehow walked across the room, slapped me in the face, and went back to his original position, while I was blinking.- I really, really liked that section.

-Arthur turned around in his seat, and we made eye contact. I felt like Frodo must’ve felt every time the “eye” flashed through his mind when he put on The Ring… except more positive.- I really liked that, too. Yay for the LOTR reference!

-I then went outside to hang with friends, as I knew it’d be a while before the pretzel was ready. At a random moment, I got up to see if my pretzel was ready.- I don't think you should say "pretzel was ready" twice. It doesn't sound good. Seems like we just read the same thing twice. I suggest rewording one of them in a different way.

-A camp progressed,- *as

- I was rather attracted to him on the ver first day, I think.- *very

-“Great. I can think him while I get dressed now, how romantic.”- That made me snicker.

Probably my favorite part of the whole story was when they were like talking to each through their eyes. That was really cool.

-Looking back on the event, I began to wonder. How did I know what he was thinking? Did I imagine it all? Was it just facial expressions that communicated everything? But how could I almost hear the exact words if that were so? Was it just all in my head?- Ok, on this review it isn't italicized, but in the story most of that section is. And I don't understand why. We're already in her head, we already can read her thoughts, I don't see the point of any of that being put in italics.

-I new that I needed to talk to him about “all this” but I also knew that every time I try to talk to him,- You have "new" instead of "knew".

-And yet, camp took up seven hours in the day, and in those seven hours, another word was created.- I'm guessing that was supposed to be "world" and not "word".

-He seemed to be happy to simply sit one body away from me. He did not know the magnitude of the barrier between us. But it became clear to him as the hour progressed.- I really liked that whole section. Really made me feel sorry for Jake.

-What Jake and I had was electricity, kept burning with a fair dose of faith.- There's a mistake somewhere in that sentence.

I love the personality that this story has. This is how first person should be written. It seemed so real that I felt like this was really you and all this happened to you. I figure most of this had to have happened to you, at least. It all just seems so real, too real to just come from the imagination.

I was disappointed with the ending. It wasn't what I was expecting. So at least you surprised us. You don't have to give the writer what they want. You certainly didn't. We wanted Jake, not Arthur. You make Arthur very unlikeable.

Overall, pretty good piece. More than pretty good, really. I enjoyed it. Good job.