for The Dance1/5/2007 c1 
2FluffynessPookykins
Wow! I really liked this a lot. I could feel the excitement and pressure building throughout the story. The imagery was vivid and beautiful. There were, however, a few mechanical boo boo's.
1.) but not speaking, either- there shouldn't be a comma here.
2.)A leisurely walk, the beginning was not rushed.- sentence fragment (the sub. of the sentence is the walk, but there is no verb to complete the sentence. the only verb is 'was' which is modifying 'the beginning'.)
3.)calling out the pigments otherwise hidden.- this sentence would flow better if you put "calling out pigments otherwise hidden" or maybe "calling out the pigments that were otherwise hidden". it is a bit jarring as it is.
4.)For there was another purpose to this wait, and as the dancer placed his feet so carefully, his mind relaxed and he began to tread instinctively, his pulse slowing while he forgot where to step, and instead put his feet there automatically, unconsciously. - runnon sentence. you wave two many different subs. here you have 1. another reason, 2. what the dancer is doing I would make the first part it's own sentence then make the second part another (but try to limit it to only one 'and' to improve flow).
5.)Then it was that the beat began(;) and as had happened with every other dancer before him(,) he could not have said whence it came- try "It was then that the beat began" it is a bit more cohesive.
6.)getting caught in the hollows until(,) with a great snap(,) it whipped free
7.)Perhaps it was the water(;) the waves
8.)so that they turned (the same) colour as the mountain’s rock,
9.)and yet it could not compare to the dancer(. The) trees bowed before him
I noticed that your writing flowed much more nicely and had fewer mistakes as it progressed. I can tell that you really got into your writing. I am often like that too. It takes a bit to get started but once you find a rhythm, everything falls into place.
anyway, good work and good luck on all your future works.
FP
2FluffynessPookykinsWow! I really liked this a lot. I could feel the excitement and pressure building throughout the story. The imagery was vivid and beautiful. There were, however, a few mechanical boo boo's.
1.) but not speaking, either- there shouldn't be a comma here.
2.)A leisurely walk, the beginning was not rushed.- sentence fragment (the sub. of the sentence is the walk, but there is no verb to complete the sentence. the only verb is 'was' which is modifying 'the beginning'.)
3.)calling out the pigments otherwise hidden.- this sentence would flow better if you put "calling out pigments otherwise hidden" or maybe "calling out the pigments that were otherwise hidden". it is a bit jarring as it is.
4.)For there was another purpose to this wait, and as the dancer placed his feet so carefully, his mind relaxed and he began to tread instinctively, his pulse slowing while he forgot where to step, and instead put his feet there automatically, unconsciously. - runnon sentence. you wave two many different subs. here you have 1. another reason, 2. what the dancer is doing I would make the first part it's own sentence then make the second part another (but try to limit it to only one 'and' to improve flow).
5.)Then it was that the beat began(;) and as had happened with every other dancer before him(,) he could not have said whence it came- try "It was then that the beat began" it is a bit more cohesive.
6.)getting caught in the hollows until(,) with a great snap(,) it whipped free
7.)Perhaps it was the water(;) the waves
8.)so that they turned (the same) colour as the mountain’s rock,
9.)and yet it could not compare to the dancer(. The) trees bowed before him
I noticed that your writing flowed much more nicely and had fewer mistakes as it progressed. I can tell that you really got into your writing. I am often like that too. It takes a bit to get started but once you find a rhythm, everything falls into place.
anyway, good work and good luck on all your future works.
FP
12/30/2006 c1 Impuls
Incredibly well done. The imagery is absolutely beautiful. The one criticism I do have is that you use “as “ and “for” a lot in your sentence structure. It could easily be that you wanted the repetition to help draw the reader through your story, but you only emphasize their use is a couple of places and in the rest of the story the repetition seems accidental. Beyond that, though, it is well written and well presented. Good job!
Incredibly well done. The imagery is absolutely beautiful. The one criticism I do have is that you use “as “ and “for” a lot in your sentence structure. It could easily be that you wanted the repetition to help draw the reader through your story, but you only emphasize their use is a couple of places and in the rest of the story the repetition seems accidental. Beyond that, though, it is well written and well presented. Good job!
3/15/2006 c1 hoowdoideletethisaccount
-Whispered conversations of the trees added a sibilant descant- Descant ;) That's not a word I see people using often. I miss that kind of thing, from my music history courses. I miss my music history courses period! Anyhow, sibilant. I've never even heard of that word before. I'm going to have to look it up!
-And it was to all these sights, the fire and the patient sentient shadows, hidden and hiding, that he began the dance.- I really love that sentence. There's something quite wistful and lovely about it.
-for the drums had not yet started, and the beat was still silent. For there was another purpose to this wait- The repition of "for" as a clause-opener, there, makes it a little stilted. I'd just get rid of the second "for" altogether, and then play a little bit with the following words and punctuation. "There was another purpose to this wait; as the dancer placed his feet so carefully," etc
-Low as the voice of the mountain and as deep as the river, it hummed and then waited, before humming again, carrying with it the dry smell of rock.- A moment ago, you said that beat "drilled through his bones", and now it's merely humming. That seems a little incongruent. I'm not sure what to think of a drum-beat being described as humming, either. Melodies hum- rhythms don't. I love the final part of that sentence, though; "carrying with it the dry smell of rock." Very nicely-put.
-Perhaps it was his heartbeat.- I like that. :) It gives the reader some really nice imagery. The following line; -For with each of his steps, it went faster,- I would leave out the "for", again. Staring it off with "for" makes it sound like you have to spell out, to the reader, why you made the comment about the heartbeat. I don't think that's necessary- it's quite clear, and a wee bit of subtlety only aids a lovely, figurative piece like this one.
-The wind blew with all its force, carrying the tangy smell of the rumbling sea, and yet it could not compare to the dancer, and the trees bowed before him, pressured by the urgings of the air.- Again- awesome imagery. Very powerful. I can hear the beat. I can see him dancing, and the trees hobbled and thrown about in the wind.
-Flames gyrated and roared, danced and reached their long, bright fingers towards the glimmering stars—and the fire was his opponent now. Recklessly and selfishly, the dancer would not permit it to win this contest, for he knew in his soul that he was the master of this light, of this frantic dance; yet even as he knew this, the dance sped furthermore, and his feet hit the earth again and again and again.- Ah, I love this part! You're doing an excellent job of capturing the crescendo; the ever-increasing, frantic pace of the dance, the need, the breathless, joyous desperation for the climax.
-For the drums drove him, though he could not see the player.- Love that too. There's something of the metaphorical in this piece, and it's beautiful.
-On and on he leapt and spun to keep pace with them, his dust-coated feat battered the earth into submission, as so many dancers had battered it before.- That should either be "his dust-coated feet battering the earth", or "to keep pace with them; his dust-coated feet battered" etc
-And against his sheer determination, his raw and wild exhilaration, the fire was forced to surrender, and now it was second to his lead...- Gorgeous line!
-Still with the fire’s submission- etc- this paragraph was just glorious. I absolutely loved it- all of it.
-Less then a second had passed but the burning light was gone, leaving the boy to stare at white smoke, in a clearing lit by the cool and distant glow of the stars. / And the drums had given way to silence.- Ah, hehe. What a perfect ending.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It has a poetic-prose feel to it; quite delightful. I think I already mentioned all the things I liked most about it. Thanks for sharing this, it was truly a delightful read.
-Whispered conversations of the trees added a sibilant descant- Descant ;) That's not a word I see people using often. I miss that kind of thing, from my music history courses. I miss my music history courses period! Anyhow, sibilant. I've never even heard of that word before. I'm going to have to look it up!
-And it was to all these sights, the fire and the patient sentient shadows, hidden and hiding, that he began the dance.- I really love that sentence. There's something quite wistful and lovely about it.
-for the drums had not yet started, and the beat was still silent. For there was another purpose to this wait- The repition of "for" as a clause-opener, there, makes it a little stilted. I'd just get rid of the second "for" altogether, and then play a little bit with the following words and punctuation. "There was another purpose to this wait; as the dancer placed his feet so carefully," etc
-Low as the voice of the mountain and as deep as the river, it hummed and then waited, before humming again, carrying with it the dry smell of rock.- A moment ago, you said that beat "drilled through his bones", and now it's merely humming. That seems a little incongruent. I'm not sure what to think of a drum-beat being described as humming, either. Melodies hum- rhythms don't. I love the final part of that sentence, though; "carrying with it the dry smell of rock." Very nicely-put.
-Perhaps it was his heartbeat.- I like that. :) It gives the reader some really nice imagery. The following line; -For with each of his steps, it went faster,- I would leave out the "for", again. Staring it off with "for" makes it sound like you have to spell out, to the reader, why you made the comment about the heartbeat. I don't think that's necessary- it's quite clear, and a wee bit of subtlety only aids a lovely, figurative piece like this one.
-The wind blew with all its force, carrying the tangy smell of the rumbling sea, and yet it could not compare to the dancer, and the trees bowed before him, pressured by the urgings of the air.- Again- awesome imagery. Very powerful. I can hear the beat. I can see him dancing, and the trees hobbled and thrown about in the wind.
-Flames gyrated and roared, danced and reached their long, bright fingers towards the glimmering stars—and the fire was his opponent now. Recklessly and selfishly, the dancer would not permit it to win this contest, for he knew in his soul that he was the master of this light, of this frantic dance; yet even as he knew this, the dance sped furthermore, and his feet hit the earth again and again and again.- Ah, I love this part! You're doing an excellent job of capturing the crescendo; the ever-increasing, frantic pace of the dance, the need, the breathless, joyous desperation for the climax.
-For the drums drove him, though he could not see the player.- Love that too. There's something of the metaphorical in this piece, and it's beautiful.
-On and on he leapt and spun to keep pace with them, his dust-coated feat battered the earth into submission, as so many dancers had battered it before.- That should either be "his dust-coated feet battering the earth", or "to keep pace with them; his dust-coated feet battered" etc
-And against his sheer determination, his raw and wild exhilaration, the fire was forced to surrender, and now it was second to his lead...- Gorgeous line!
-Still with the fire’s submission- etc- this paragraph was just glorious. I absolutely loved it- all of it.
-Less then a second had passed but the burning light was gone, leaving the boy to stare at white smoke, in a clearing lit by the cool and distant glow of the stars. / And the drums had given way to silence.- Ah, hehe. What a perfect ending.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It has a poetic-prose feel to it; quite delightful. I think I already mentioned all the things I liked most about it. Thanks for sharing this, it was truly a delightful read.
3/9/2006 c1 43Xaquelina
Thanks very much for the review, you're right about the last line.
This piece reminds me of a Native American dance. Just the overall feel is very mystical, and you did a wonderful job pulling me in.
43XaquelinaThanks very much for the review, you're right about the last line.
This piece reminds me of a Native American dance. Just the overall feel is very mystical, and you did a wonderful job pulling me in.
11/22/2005 c1 7Alankria
I have always believed in the power of music and of the dance... and somehow, I found the ending sad. Those are my firs thoughts-this is a fantastic piece, evocatively written, with each passing sentence I could imagine the scene. My favourite sentence was 'For the drums drove him, though he could not see the player.' Many many congratulations.
- - -
I also wanted to say- thank you for your reviews of One Finger on the Trigger. Because I have little time to devote to reading other people's stories, it's been a while since I read those chapters of Perihelion, and consequently I've forgotten what happened...and I don't have time to read them again. Gah! Catch 22. I will try, honestly, to read more soon, as I was enjoying it. Anyway, well done with this piece, it was fantastic and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
7AlankriaI have always believed in the power of music and of the dance... and somehow, I found the ending sad. Those are my firs thoughts-this is a fantastic piece, evocatively written, with each passing sentence I could imagine the scene. My favourite sentence was 'For the drums drove him, though he could not see the player.' Many many congratulations.
- - -
I also wanted to say- thank you for your reviews of One Finger on the Trigger. Because I have little time to devote to reading other people's stories, it's been a while since I read those chapters of Perihelion, and consequently I've forgotten what happened...and I don't have time to read them again. Gah! Catch 22. I will try, honestly, to read more soon, as I was enjoying it. Anyway, well done with this piece, it was fantastic and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
11/12/2005 c1 10Quid
That was amazing... the imagery and everything was just so vivid! It's so beautifully described.
10QuidThat was amazing... the imagery and everything was just so vivid! It's so beautifully described.
11/11/2005 c1 16RuathaWehrling
Hello! I should be working now, but don't want to, so I think I'll read this instead. I'll comment as I go!
1.) "the light cast the weirding shadows of the trees" - This just sounds kind of awkward. I understand what you mean, but generally we don't think about light "casting" a shadow, you know? It's the trees that cast the shadow.
2.) I've noticed you like starting a lot of sentences with "for". There's nothing wrong with that, but you're doing it a lot, and you might want to think about variety instead sometimes. Just a suggestion.
3.) "the light of a miniature sun that sat upon the earth" - Ok, this is a geeky aerospace thing, but "Earth" (as used here, and meaning "this planet", not "dirt") is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
4.) "his dust-coated feat battered the earth into submission" - "feet". Oh, and THIS "earth" ("dirt") can be lowercase, as you have it, btw! :)
Excellent! Really, this is a masterful little piece! Well-written and very visual. I'm most impressed!
I've got to run now, but I'll come back another day to read more of your stuff. Take care, and thanks! -Ruatha
16RuathaWehrlingHello! I should be working now, but don't want to, so I think I'll read this instead. I'll comment as I go!
1.) "the light cast the weirding shadows of the trees" - This just sounds kind of awkward. I understand what you mean, but generally we don't think about light "casting" a shadow, you know? It's the trees that cast the shadow.
2.) I've noticed you like starting a lot of sentences with "for". There's nothing wrong with that, but you're doing it a lot, and you might want to think about variety instead sometimes. Just a suggestion.
3.) "the light of a miniature sun that sat upon the earth" - Ok, this is a geeky aerospace thing, but "Earth" (as used here, and meaning "this planet", not "dirt") is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
4.) "his dust-coated feat battered the earth into submission" - "feet". Oh, and THIS "earth" ("dirt") can be lowercase, as you have it, btw! :)
Excellent! Really, this is a masterful little piece! Well-written and very visual. I'm most impressed!
I've got to run now, but I'll come back another day to read more of your stuff. Take care, and thanks! -Ruatha
10/12/2005 c1 16Islandbreeze
The description in this is lovely, and all the words you used fit very well in the piece as a whole and in what you're trying to portray I think.
"Then it was that the beat began, and as had happened with every other dancer before him he could not have said whence it came, or why at that moment, but it came. "- a comma after 'him' and before 'he'
I like the way you varied the sentence structure, and had some very short sentences mixed in to pack punch with all the great imagery. This is great to really transport your readers in such a short writing.
16IslandbreezeThe description in this is lovely, and all the words you used fit very well in the piece as a whole and in what you're trying to portray I think.
"Then it was that the beat began, and as had happened with every other dancer before him he could not have said whence it came, or why at that moment, but it came. "- a comma after 'him' and before 'he'
I like the way you varied the sentence structure, and had some very short sentences mixed in to pack punch with all the great imagery. This is great to really transport your readers in such a short writing.
10/3/2005 c1 Pure Autumn
Wow i like this its really powerful- btw my poem is like not always supposed to rhyme because it more like a collection of thoughts :)
Wow i like this its really powerful- btw my poem is like not always supposed to rhyme because it more like a collection of thoughts :)
9/2/2005 c1 55DarkPharaoh1666
My, my, you can really write. I can't wait to see more of this. And chapter 2 of The Servent of Mother Green is posted if you want to take a look. Thanks.
55DarkPharaoh1666My, my, you can really write. I can't wait to see more of this. And chapter 2 of The Servent of Mother Green is posted if you want to take a look. Thanks.
8/14/2005 c1 20Pheobe Meryll
Oh, I love this! The poetic style in which you wrote it perfectly compliments the allegory you established. Your imagery and language was very strong and poetic. It caught me up right away. I think that sometimes, though, your language was just a little too elaborate - too many words crammed into a sentance, making it occasionally difficult to comprehend. Watch out for that, and for repetitiveness of words. Other than that, and perhaps too heavy a use of the passive verb, I really don't have much criticism to offer. ^_^ I enjoyed this greatly; it will be on my favorites list! Keep it up!
20Pheobe MeryllOh, I love this! The poetic style in which you wrote it perfectly compliments the allegory you established. Your imagery and language was very strong and poetic. It caught me up right away. I think that sometimes, though, your language was just a little too elaborate - too many words crammed into a sentance, making it occasionally difficult to comprehend. Watch out for that, and for repetitiveness of words. Other than that, and perhaps too heavy a use of the passive verb, I really don't have much criticism to offer. ^_^ I enjoyed this greatly; it will be on my favorites list! Keep it up!
8/7/2005 c1 Clodhopper
I see Mack has already reviewed this piece. What's another review going to harm?
I love the imagery you start out with. I can close my eyes and picture everything. The only requests that I have are to add the smells to give us a better visualization. There's a fire burning; there are trees nearby, what are the smells in the air?
"Dusted so, he did not slip, for the dry earth soaked up his sweat, commingled it with the ground below." This sentence was a little awkward for me. It might be the comma usage that got me confused.
The last line was wonderful. "And the drums had given way to silence."
This was very well written. Wonderful job.
~Ty
Thank you for reviewing "Passion"
I see Mack has already reviewed this piece. What's another review going to harm?
I love the imagery you start out with. I can close my eyes and picture everything. The only requests that I have are to add the smells to give us a better visualization. There's a fire burning; there are trees nearby, what are the smells in the air?
"Dusted so, he did not slip, for the dry earth soaked up his sweat, commingled it with the ground below." This sentence was a little awkward for me. It might be the comma usage that got me confused.
The last line was wonderful. "And the drums had given way to silence."
This was very well written. Wonderful job.
~Ty
Thank you for reviewing "Passion"
8/7/2005 c1 7Eddie Wright
After reading your bio I know that you like constructive critisicm, and I would give it, but after reading it I really can't think of any to give. Wonderfull descriptions.
7Eddie WrightAfter reading your bio I know that you like constructive critisicm, and I would give it, but after reading it I really can't think of any to give. Wonderfull descriptions.
8/5/2005 c1 1Clodhopper
I will be reviewing as i read so please forgive any choppyness.
though this is a well written and a good visual for an intro this sentence bugged me: "a mere flicker, here and there, then again, as an ember shot up into the air to hang in the hot updraft before winking out" comma splices are not your friend. the commas around "here and there" aren't needed.
try to find another word in place of "embers" the second time only because the words are in back-to-back paragraphs. just a small, unimportant nitpick.
"Perhaps it was his heartbeat." - oh awesome
"And the drums had given way to silence." so cool!
this was amazing. i was very impressed. so beautiful. almost to the point of being creepy. careful of commas splices. so great!
~Mack
1ClodhopperI will be reviewing as i read so please forgive any choppyness.
though this is a well written and a good visual for an intro this sentence bugged me: "a mere flicker, here and there, then again, as an ember shot up into the air to hang in the hot updraft before winking out" comma splices are not your friend. the commas around "here and there" aren't needed.
try to find another word in place of "embers" the second time only because the words are in back-to-back paragraphs. just a small, unimportant nitpick.
"Perhaps it was his heartbeat." - oh awesome
"And the drums had given way to silence." so cool!
this was amazing. i was very impressed. so beautiful. almost to the point of being creepy. careful of commas splices. so great!
~Mack
7/31/2005 c1 StoryJunkie
good effect using single-sentence paragraphs interspersed...I only scanned this at first. Its not really a story, but a descriptive passage. Were you listening to music at the time?
good effect using single-sentence paragraphs interspersed...I only scanned this at first. Its not really a story, but a descriptive passage. Were you listening to music at the time?