for The Raven8/1/2005 c1 
2nata
First off- thank you very much for the review. I do love the suggestion you gave me for the ending. =D
So speaking of endings... What a marvelous ending for your own story! I'm a fan of anything based off of actual historical events, and I love the witch trials in particular - so that's a plus, as well.
Your writing itself is lovely. You seem to have a knack for imagery, I do wish you could play it up a bit. =)
Though what I noticed as I read your story (it's something I find often and something I'm pretty guilty of myself =p) was the fact that your sentences seemed to all start the same. The, he, she, Erica, Katherine. Not only this, but all the sentences seem to be around the same length. For example:
"Her back stiffened. Her eyes blazed. Her voice was raspy and shrill. She pointed sharply at the people around her."
It all sums up to a rather monotonous tone of reading. Experiment with transitions and verbs and adverbs to start your sentences, rather than with nouns (and as far as nouns are concerned, try and use diffent ones). Try and vary in sentence length by using more commas and semi-colons, or butchering your sentences a tad. Fragment sentences can be useful, if you know how to use them.
So all this in mind, I attempted to remake that excerpt I gave from your story:
"The woman's back stiffened. Her eyes began to blaze, and her voice became raspy and shrill. She pointed sharply to the people around her."
Hope I made sense. It's really late for me, but I wanted to review. ; In the end - your writing is wonderful, all you need to do is a bit more experimenting with your way of words! And realize, of course, that much of this is my own personal (sleep-deprived) opinion.
Keep writing! I'll certainly look forward to your other works! =D
2nataFirst off- thank you very much for the review. I do love the suggestion you gave me for the ending. =D
So speaking of endings... What a marvelous ending for your own story! I'm a fan of anything based off of actual historical events, and I love the witch trials in particular - so that's a plus, as well.
Your writing itself is lovely. You seem to have a knack for imagery, I do wish you could play it up a bit. =)
Though what I noticed as I read your story (it's something I find often and something I'm pretty guilty of myself =p) was the fact that your sentences seemed to all start the same. The, he, she, Erica, Katherine. Not only this, but all the sentences seem to be around the same length. For example:
"Her back stiffened. Her eyes blazed. Her voice was raspy and shrill. She pointed sharply at the people around her."
It all sums up to a rather monotonous tone of reading. Experiment with transitions and verbs and adverbs to start your sentences, rather than with nouns (and as far as nouns are concerned, try and use diffent ones). Try and vary in sentence length by using more commas and semi-colons, or butchering your sentences a tad. Fragment sentences can be useful, if you know how to use them.
So all this in mind, I attempted to remake that excerpt I gave from your story:
"The woman's back stiffened. Her eyes began to blaze, and her voice became raspy and shrill. She pointed sharply to the people around her."
Hope I made sense. It's really late for me, but I wanted to review. ; In the end - your writing is wonderful, all you need to do is a bit more experimenting with your way of words! And realize, of course, that much of this is my own personal (sleep-deprived) opinion.
Keep writing! I'll certainly look forward to your other works! =D
7/30/2005 c1 6Gilee7
I'm guessing you recently studied the Salem Witch Trials in school. Have you read "The Crucible"?
I really liked the opening. Good job on that.
-Erica shook her head, no.- I don't really think it's necessary to put the "no" in there. I don't even think it should be after a comma anyway. But everybody knows that when you shake your head it means "no". A nod means "yes", a shake means "no".
-Her death would mean, never hearing her voice again, never watching her be active again, never talking to her, never laughing with her, never embracing with her, all of these things, and more.- None of that really makes sense. Who is the "her"? I figured you were going to say that she had a daughter or something later on, and that we would see who the "her" is. The only person it could be, though, is Katherine. She's the only "her" you introduce. That's a poorly written sentence. If you're talking about Katherine, say "her friend" instead of "her". "Never watching her be active again" is just weird. I would take that part out. "Never embracing with her" is awkward, too. Should just be "Never embracing her". Although, I think "holding" would be a better word choice.
- I will be, well, I won’t be fine, but I’m not afraid. And you should be afraid either.- I'm guessing you meant to say "And you should NOT be afraid either."
-“But, you’ve hardly touched it. You hardly eaten anything at all”- Dialogue is always tough to pick apart, because you never know if it's the author's mistake or just the way the character talks. Based on the first sentence, I'm thinking she should've said "You've hardly eaten anything at all."
-As if this were the cue, the circle of people began jeering, yelling taunting, and screaming at her, all at once.- Should be a comma after "yelling".
-It rung clear and sound over all the ugly taunting.- That sentence is so incredibly awkward sounding.
-There was another roar, and a group of young men hoisted Erica and began carrying her to a cluster of trees. There, each and everyone one of them had their way with her. When they were done, and she still didn’t cry, they beat her with a wooden club. They threw stones at her. And still she did not cry. As punishment, she was sentenced to a second night in the shed.- Powerful section. But it could've been SO much more powerful and emotional. Give more details, and, even though I know you're not wanting to get graphic or anything, just give us a little bit more to make us cringe and feel even more sorry for her. "There, each and everyone one of them had their way with her." like, after that sentence, maybe write: ", raping her again and again." Just something little like that would make it so much more. Add something after the wooden club part, too.
-A thick loop of rope hung from arm of the structure.- I'm guessing "one" or "an" before the word "arm".
-Several people near Katherine began staring at the quiet girl, wondering what had gotten into her.- I know what you meant here. You were talking about she is usually quiet and shy, but that isn't really how it reads. It just sounds contradictory. She's not being quiet, she's screaming. It's like huh? How about: "Several people near Katherine began staring at her, wondering what had gotten into this girl who was usually so quiet and shy." Maybe not that exactly, but you get what I'm trying to say.
This was a pretty good piece, though. You did a good job describing everything that was happening, but I wish you would've delved more into the emotional factor of it all. Show us more of what Erica is thinking as all of this is going on. I saw the ending coming before it ever got there. I'm surprised, though. Usually I don't catch on to stuff like that. The ending seemed a bit silly to me, though. In a way it takes away from the realistic and deadly seriousness of the story. Overall, though, I liked this. Good job.
6Gilee7I'm guessing you recently studied the Salem Witch Trials in school. Have you read "The Crucible"?
I really liked the opening. Good job on that.
-Erica shook her head, no.- I don't really think it's necessary to put the "no" in there. I don't even think it should be after a comma anyway. But everybody knows that when you shake your head it means "no". A nod means "yes", a shake means "no".
-Her death would mean, never hearing her voice again, never watching her be active again, never talking to her, never laughing with her, never embracing with her, all of these things, and more.- None of that really makes sense. Who is the "her"? I figured you were going to say that she had a daughter or something later on, and that we would see who the "her" is. The only person it could be, though, is Katherine. She's the only "her" you introduce. That's a poorly written sentence. If you're talking about Katherine, say "her friend" instead of "her". "Never watching her be active again" is just weird. I would take that part out. "Never embracing with her" is awkward, too. Should just be "Never embracing her". Although, I think "holding" would be a better word choice.
- I will be, well, I won’t be fine, but I’m not afraid. And you should be afraid either.- I'm guessing you meant to say "And you should NOT be afraid either."
-“But, you’ve hardly touched it. You hardly eaten anything at all”- Dialogue is always tough to pick apart, because you never know if it's the author's mistake or just the way the character talks. Based on the first sentence, I'm thinking she should've said "You've hardly eaten anything at all."
-As if this were the cue, the circle of people began jeering, yelling taunting, and screaming at her, all at once.- Should be a comma after "yelling".
-It rung clear and sound over all the ugly taunting.- That sentence is so incredibly awkward sounding.
-There was another roar, and a group of young men hoisted Erica and began carrying her to a cluster of trees. There, each and everyone one of them had their way with her. When they were done, and she still didn’t cry, they beat her with a wooden club. They threw stones at her. And still she did not cry. As punishment, she was sentenced to a second night in the shed.- Powerful section. But it could've been SO much more powerful and emotional. Give more details, and, even though I know you're not wanting to get graphic or anything, just give us a little bit more to make us cringe and feel even more sorry for her. "There, each and everyone one of them had their way with her." like, after that sentence, maybe write: ", raping her again and again." Just something little like that would make it so much more. Add something after the wooden club part, too.
-A thick loop of rope hung from arm of the structure.- I'm guessing "one" or "an" before the word "arm".
-Several people near Katherine began staring at the quiet girl, wondering what had gotten into her.- I know what you meant here. You were talking about she is usually quiet and shy, but that isn't really how it reads. It just sounds contradictory. She's not being quiet, she's screaming. It's like huh? How about: "Several people near Katherine began staring at her, wondering what had gotten into this girl who was usually so quiet and shy." Maybe not that exactly, but you get what I'm trying to say.
This was a pretty good piece, though. You did a good job describing everything that was happening, but I wish you would've delved more into the emotional factor of it all. Show us more of what Erica is thinking as all of this is going on. I saw the ending coming before it ever got there. I'm surprised, though. Usually I don't catch on to stuff like that. The ending seemed a bit silly to me, though. In a way it takes away from the realistic and deadly seriousness of the story. Overall, though, I liked this. Good job.
7/26/2005 c1 FrozenKiwi
This was a superb story, that perfectly captured the witch trials. Beautifully done!
This was a superb story, that perfectly captured the witch trials. Beautifully done!