for The Five Rivers in Hades8/2/2005 c1 
3The Proxy Ninja
Woo-hoo! I saw the poems, but I wanted to read this story so bad. -cracks knuckles.-
FYI!: [http:/w.goddessgift.com/goddess-myths/greek_goddess_persephone.htm] In Greek mythology Persephone, goddess of the soul, is the possessor of its dark and frightening wisdom. But the goddess Persephone is also the harbinger of spring . . . and a reminder of all the growth and hope that it brings.
1) -Great- intro. You know I love the way you animate dialogue with your analogies and figures of speech. And it does so well, especially with personages of mythology. This is an ambitious piece, at that. To recreate for us an ancient myth, and to do so with your graceful, but animated eloquence. My anticipation is really, really like. HUGANTIC!
2) [In three days time.” His voice was below a whisper now, and harsh.] *days’.
3) [“And I shall never understand your love of Hades. Your father owns the sky, your mother the world – and you desire the nether lands.”] Wonderful line.
4) [“I find it beautiful, for all there are no meadows. I shall find much to do there,” she smiled, golden eyes warming on the figure walking out of the black pit.] Awkward sentence. “for all there are no meadows”. Could that have been, possibly, “after all, there aren’t any meadows.”? Eep.
5) [His eyes were chips of obsidian, and his hair was as black as a raven’s wing, or Cerberus’ fur.] Ee! Wonderful description. But I think you could omit “Cerberus’ fur”. Because he sounds elegant with just the raven’s wing. We don’t want him sounding too much like a pet dog, mythological or not. Lol.
6) [It was wind blown by the journey upwards and some errant strands hung in his face,] *wind-blown. That hyphen is optional, but I think it works.
7) [Persephone went to him, closing her arms around his neck and kissing him, having to stand on her tip toes to do so.] Great image.
8) [Zeus will not be happy his younger brother has taken his daughter as his wife and Queen – but, then, Demeter will be furious.] Myths are really hard to decipher and hard to dig up to see which are the authentic myths- that sounds like an oxymoron, ne?- and which ones aren’t. Wasn’t it that Zeus arranged for Hades to “kidnap” Persephone in the first place? Why, then, would he be angry..?
9) [Leucippe watched with a sad smile as Hades returned the kiss deeply. Zeus will not be happy his younger brother has taken his daughter as his wife and Queen – but, then, Demeter will be furious. Leucippe’s gaze followed Persephone as she took the opal circlet and placed it in her own hair, laughing at Hades’ tender smile. He really was in love with her. I don’t envy the wrath of Zeus, however.] “I”? Lolol. Maybe you got Terrance’d out and forgot you were writing in Third Person. Lmao.
10) [Persephone enveloped her in a soul wrenching hug.] *soul-wrenching.
11) [Hades raised one eyebrow at her, and then laughed – a dark roll of thunder that sent goose bumps up her arms. “Of course, Leimoniad. Farewell.” And he took Persephone’s hand and they vanished.] Aw, it would have been cool if you described, like in the myths, how the ground opened up, torn asunder by his mighty underworld powers, and he sucked her down under in underground spiral after spiral with lightning speed like a space vacuum as she held onto his neck. Something mythical-Batman-like would have been awesome. LOL!
12) [so Leucippe gently placed it in the center of the black pit, and turned away.] “placed it in the center”..? Threw it, maybe? Tossed? Dropped?
13) [shifting his double headed hammer from one hand to the other as he surveyed Persephone.] *double-headed hammer.
14) [Leucippe’s gaze followed Persephone as she took the opal circlet and placed it in her own hair, laughing at Hades’ tender smile.] [Charon saw the black circlet twined in her hair, and understood immediately, folding his great wings against his back and bowing low.] Isn’t Opal like, yellow?
15) [“Charon,” she returned, voice deep sunlight.] I understand what you’re trying to describe here, but maybe we should add some kind of article. Like, “her voice a deep sunlight”. Or something.
16) [“I thought you might like the water,” Hades admitted softly,] Aww.
17) [Persephone said with a small, secretive smile. She forced him to put his arm around her and sighed in contentment. “I shall love it here.”] I -love- her personality, and how she would rather go south than north. I love the way you rendered this woman. A woman of initiative. Soft, but firm control. Very nice.
18) [Persephone smiled at his large, hard looking wings.] *hard-looking. I’m so hyphen happy. Lmao.
19) [Persephone looked around at the misted bank. “I shall be glad, however, not the step on that bank.”] hm: *“not to step”?
20) [Coldness immediately numbed his fingers and small ripples dragged after his finger tips.] *fingertips.
21) [Tears shimmered in her eyes and immediately Hades clasped her hands, warming them in his. “Calm down, my love,” he whispered. “I am sorry.”] Aww! I LOVE THIS GUY!
22) [“Come, Persephone, Thanatos and Hypnos await us.” Hades took her hand, leading her though the doorway behind Cerberus. They had entered a black plain, void of any dead, with thick, spiraling branches of dead trees punctuating the grey sky. The harshness of it all made Persephone gasp in awe. Hades looked worriedly at her, “does it displease you?”“No, it is wonderful,” Persephone breathed, allowing Hades to pull her further into the nether lands. In the distance, a ribbon of silver snaked off, dark clouds hovering over the banks and pouring down relentless rain. Styx, Persephone realized, watching lightning snake through the clouds. Something screamed.The sounded made pride rise in her chest and she smiled delightfully at Hades. “I will have much to do here.”] This was.. Breath-taking!
23) Oh! They’re -hot-!
24) [When Persephone finally entered, not only was an enraged Zeus there, but Demeter was there as well. Hades slouched low in his Ebony Throne and refused to speak when his older brother yelled, so instead, Zeus resorted to hissing. “How dare you steal my daughter from me, Hades,” he had taken to repeating. Demeter just screamed wordlessly and cried at Zeus’ side.] back to that whole permission thing and Zeus..
25) [Hades saw her first, and gasped. She had pulled her golden hair back into a coiled bun, held by a piece of sinew. The black circlet glittered in her hair, looking soft compared to the hardness in her golden eyes. She wore a floor length, sweeping gown of black and silver, ebony and silver jewelry laced around her slender neck and down her sleeveless arms. She held his scepter in her right hand, as a symbol of their shared power. Persephone swept in, stunning Zeus and Demeter to silence.] THIS IS LOVELY!
26) [“You ate the food,” Zeus demanded harshly of Persephone.] This is peevish, but doesn’t “fruit” instead of “food” just sound more awesome?
27) The “so it shall be” in italics is a wonderful touch. I love the symbolic power it holds. She really -is- equivocal to a god.
28) [6. I don't like Zeus or Demeter, that much I made plain.] Hmph! Me neither! Even in the show Hercules, they were both idiots.
In any case, this was a -wonderful- story, Aysel! -Breathtaking- descriptions, wonderful spin! I couldn’t help how nicely this was rendered, this was a feast for all lovers of mythology! I’m impartial to mythology, and I -loved- it! Heart-warming even when it’s dark and seductive. You have a way with portraying even the wicked characters { ie: Conway, the vampire ) as heart-warming. I was deathly in love with this, and dying to read it from the get-go. It never failed to inspire my senses.
WRITE. ON!
3The Proxy NinjaWoo-hoo! I saw the poems, but I wanted to read this story so bad. -cracks knuckles.-
FYI!: [http:/w.goddessgift.com/goddess-myths/greek_goddess_persephone.htm] In Greek mythology Persephone, goddess of the soul, is the possessor of its dark and frightening wisdom. But the goddess Persephone is also the harbinger of spring . . . and a reminder of all the growth and hope that it brings.
1) -Great- intro. You know I love the way you animate dialogue with your analogies and figures of speech. And it does so well, especially with personages of mythology. This is an ambitious piece, at that. To recreate for us an ancient myth, and to do so with your graceful, but animated eloquence. My anticipation is really, really like. HUGANTIC!
2) [In three days time.” His voice was below a whisper now, and harsh.] *days’.
3) [“And I shall never understand your love of Hades. Your father owns the sky, your mother the world – and you desire the nether lands.”] Wonderful line.
4) [“I find it beautiful, for all there are no meadows. I shall find much to do there,” she smiled, golden eyes warming on the figure walking out of the black pit.] Awkward sentence. “for all there are no meadows”. Could that have been, possibly, “after all, there aren’t any meadows.”? Eep.
5) [His eyes were chips of obsidian, and his hair was as black as a raven’s wing, or Cerberus’ fur.] Ee! Wonderful description. But I think you could omit “Cerberus’ fur”. Because he sounds elegant with just the raven’s wing. We don’t want him sounding too much like a pet dog, mythological or not. Lol.
6) [It was wind blown by the journey upwards and some errant strands hung in his face,] *wind-blown. That hyphen is optional, but I think it works.
7) [Persephone went to him, closing her arms around his neck and kissing him, having to stand on her tip toes to do so.] Great image.
8) [Zeus will not be happy his younger brother has taken his daughter as his wife and Queen – but, then, Demeter will be furious.] Myths are really hard to decipher and hard to dig up to see which are the authentic myths- that sounds like an oxymoron, ne?- and which ones aren’t. Wasn’t it that Zeus arranged for Hades to “kidnap” Persephone in the first place? Why, then, would he be angry..?
9) [Leucippe watched with a sad smile as Hades returned the kiss deeply. Zeus will not be happy his younger brother has taken his daughter as his wife and Queen – but, then, Demeter will be furious. Leucippe’s gaze followed Persephone as she took the opal circlet and placed it in her own hair, laughing at Hades’ tender smile. He really was in love with her. I don’t envy the wrath of Zeus, however.] “I”? Lolol. Maybe you got Terrance’d out and forgot you were writing in Third Person. Lmao.
10) [Persephone enveloped her in a soul wrenching hug.] *soul-wrenching.
11) [Hades raised one eyebrow at her, and then laughed – a dark roll of thunder that sent goose bumps up her arms. “Of course, Leimoniad. Farewell.” And he took Persephone’s hand and they vanished.] Aw, it would have been cool if you described, like in the myths, how the ground opened up, torn asunder by his mighty underworld powers, and he sucked her down under in underground spiral after spiral with lightning speed like a space vacuum as she held onto his neck. Something mythical-Batman-like would have been awesome. LOL!
12) [so Leucippe gently placed it in the center of the black pit, and turned away.] “placed it in the center”..? Threw it, maybe? Tossed? Dropped?
13) [shifting his double headed hammer from one hand to the other as he surveyed Persephone.] *double-headed hammer.
14) [Leucippe’s gaze followed Persephone as she took the opal circlet and placed it in her own hair, laughing at Hades’ tender smile.] [Charon saw the black circlet twined in her hair, and understood immediately, folding his great wings against his back and bowing low.] Isn’t Opal like, yellow?
15) [“Charon,” she returned, voice deep sunlight.] I understand what you’re trying to describe here, but maybe we should add some kind of article. Like, “her voice a deep sunlight”. Or something.
16) [“I thought you might like the water,” Hades admitted softly,] Aww.
17) [Persephone said with a small, secretive smile. She forced him to put his arm around her and sighed in contentment. “I shall love it here.”] I -love- her personality, and how she would rather go south than north. I love the way you rendered this woman. A woman of initiative. Soft, but firm control. Very nice.
18) [Persephone smiled at his large, hard looking wings.] *hard-looking. I’m so hyphen happy. Lmao.
19) [Persephone looked around at the misted bank. “I shall be glad, however, not the step on that bank.”] hm: *“not to step”?
20) [Coldness immediately numbed his fingers and small ripples dragged after his finger tips.] *fingertips.
21) [Tears shimmered in her eyes and immediately Hades clasped her hands, warming them in his. “Calm down, my love,” he whispered. “I am sorry.”] Aww! I LOVE THIS GUY!
22) [“Come, Persephone, Thanatos and Hypnos await us.” Hades took her hand, leading her though the doorway behind Cerberus. They had entered a black plain, void of any dead, with thick, spiraling branches of dead trees punctuating the grey sky. The harshness of it all made Persephone gasp in awe. Hades looked worriedly at her, “does it displease you?”“No, it is wonderful,” Persephone breathed, allowing Hades to pull her further into the nether lands. In the distance, a ribbon of silver snaked off, dark clouds hovering over the banks and pouring down relentless rain. Styx, Persephone realized, watching lightning snake through the clouds. Something screamed.The sounded made pride rise in her chest and she smiled delightfully at Hades. “I will have much to do here.”] This was.. Breath-taking!
23) Oh! They’re -hot-!
24) [When Persephone finally entered, not only was an enraged Zeus there, but Demeter was there as well. Hades slouched low in his Ebony Throne and refused to speak when his older brother yelled, so instead, Zeus resorted to hissing. “How dare you steal my daughter from me, Hades,” he had taken to repeating. Demeter just screamed wordlessly and cried at Zeus’ side.] back to that whole permission thing and Zeus..
25) [Hades saw her first, and gasped. She had pulled her golden hair back into a coiled bun, held by a piece of sinew. The black circlet glittered in her hair, looking soft compared to the hardness in her golden eyes. She wore a floor length, sweeping gown of black and silver, ebony and silver jewelry laced around her slender neck and down her sleeveless arms. She held his scepter in her right hand, as a symbol of their shared power. Persephone swept in, stunning Zeus and Demeter to silence.] THIS IS LOVELY!
26) [“You ate the food,” Zeus demanded harshly of Persephone.] This is peevish, but doesn’t “fruit” instead of “food” just sound more awesome?
27) The “so it shall be” in italics is a wonderful touch. I love the symbolic power it holds. She really -is- equivocal to a god.
28) [6. I don't like Zeus or Demeter, that much I made plain.] Hmph! Me neither! Even in the show Hercules, they were both idiots.
In any case, this was a -wonderful- story, Aysel! -Breathtaking- descriptions, wonderful spin! I couldn’t help how nicely this was rendered, this was a feast for all lovers of mythology! I’m impartial to mythology, and I -loved- it! Heart-warming even when it’s dark and seductive. You have a way with portraying even the wicked characters { ie: Conway, the vampire ) as heart-warming. I was deathly in love with this, and dying to read it from the get-go. It never failed to inspire my senses.
WRITE. ON!
8/1/2005 c1 19Lionheart21
this is truly amazing writing. it really takes in and makes you feel the story. it's such a great angle to write at, really. i can't i've never thought of it, but i don't remember demeter being zeus's wife or was that made up?
19Lionheart21this is truly amazing writing. it really takes in and makes you feel the story. it's such a great angle to write at, really. i can't i've never thought of it, but i don't remember demeter being zeus's wife or was that made up?
8/1/2005 c1 24Sarah-Brighteyes
Absolutely beautiful piece of work. I love the myths. The way you made this into a gorgeous love story... wow... To be honest I was not quite sure what to expect. I was a bit on the wary side, since sometimes when people use the myths they contort things all in the wrong light and get the originals all mixed up... but you didnt. You used aspects i would have never used. You captured persephone as a brave Goddess with a strenght that she could only find when with Hades. I loved this. Bravo. My favorite piece of yours so far. *smile* Bravo.
24Sarah-BrighteyesAbsolutely beautiful piece of work. I love the myths. The way you made this into a gorgeous love story... wow... To be honest I was not quite sure what to expect. I was a bit on the wary side, since sometimes when people use the myths they contort things all in the wrong light and get the originals all mixed up... but you didnt. You used aspects i would have never used. You captured persephone as a brave Goddess with a strenght that she could only find when with Hades. I loved this. Bravo. My favorite piece of yours so far. *smile* Bravo.