for Teacher's Apple6/17/2012 c1 
1delicate-in-gold-and-green
Sorry, continuation from my last review, stupid touch screen -_- lol anyway I was saying that you write from both points of view really well. Fun fact: for some reason I recognise the name Mark Hammond...not sure why haha *shrugs* Ah well, please update soon! :)
1delicate-in-gold-and-greenSorry, continuation from my last review, stupid touch screen -_- lol anyway I was saying that you write from both points of view really well. Fun fact: for some reason I recognise the name Mark Hammond...not sure why haha *shrugs* Ah well, please update soon! :)
6/17/2012 c10 delicate-in-gold-and-green
I love this story so much! A lot of stories similar to this in idea are written really poorly so I'm happy this ones written so well! You write from b
I love this story so much! A lot of stories similar to this in idea are written really poorly so I'm happy this ones written so well! You write from b
8/11/2010 c4 PaintTheWorldGreen
Oh boy. All right. I was surprised, but not pleasantly. And this makes me sad. :( - That's me, sad.
Using alcoholism to 'deepen' a character is no way to go. Of course you can do it, and for the most part it skitters by unnoticed but has been overused. Also, the way she acted, completely ridiculous. Once again you're rushing this story, not letting characters develop, not letting an actual relationship develop.
And the pregnancy bit with her father? You're adding too many characters to the plot and it's becoming runny. As Steven King once said: Make a point, get right to it. You're running around the gameboard here and it's severely killing your story.
I've also noticed that you haven't updated this story in three years and to tell you the truth I feel rather foolish. I will continue to read and not review, unless I feel absolutely necessary. Perhaps, on the off-chance you will read this, I only hope you have matured as an author.
Best regards,
Greenie
Oh boy. All right. I was surprised, but not pleasantly. And this makes me sad. :( - That's me, sad.
Using alcoholism to 'deepen' a character is no way to go. Of course you can do it, and for the most part it skitters by unnoticed but has been overused. Also, the way she acted, completely ridiculous. Once again you're rushing this story, not letting characters develop, not letting an actual relationship develop.
And the pregnancy bit with her father? You're adding too many characters to the plot and it's becoming runny. As Steven King once said: Make a point, get right to it. You're running around the gameboard here and it's severely killing your story.
I've also noticed that you haven't updated this story in three years and to tell you the truth I feel rather foolish. I will continue to read and not review, unless I feel absolutely necessary. Perhaps, on the off-chance you will read this, I only hope you have matured as an author.
Best regards,
Greenie
8/11/2010 c3 PaintTheWorldGreen
Wow, your writing is loads better. Heheh...I suppose I should have read on before making any crucial remarks, eh? Well I won't apologize for them because the writing I did review drastically needed it.
So, on with it. Kudos on your new grammatical skills. Really, I felt I was reading a piece from a completely different author...That is, until I got to the parts with Mark and Marie together. You're making this 'infatuation' speed up way too fast. It's much like a little high-school crush, and once again you must remember you're not only writing about a senior in high school, but a man in his early thirties. My advice would be start with the small stuff. Have him touch her lower back, her knee, lean in close when they talk. Jumping right to a kiss is more than forward, it's a tad unrealistic, unless this man is a horn-dog or unchivalrous.
Nonetheless, I am deeply impressed by the change in your writing. I hope I am equally (pleasantly) surprised in Chapter Four.
Again,
Greenie
Wow, your writing is loads better. Heheh...I suppose I should have read on before making any crucial remarks, eh? Well I won't apologize for them because the writing I did review drastically needed it.
So, on with it. Kudos on your new grammatical skills. Really, I felt I was reading a piece from a completely different author...That is, until I got to the parts with Mark and Marie together. You're making this 'infatuation' speed up way too fast. It's much like a little high-school crush, and once again you must remember you're not only writing about a senior in high school, but a man in his early thirties. My advice would be start with the small stuff. Have him touch her lower back, her knee, lean in close when they talk. Jumping right to a kiss is more than forward, it's a tad unrealistic, unless this man is a horn-dog or unchivalrous.
Nonetheless, I am deeply impressed by the change in your writing. I hope I am equally (pleasantly) surprised in Chapter Four.
Again,
Greenie
8/11/2010 c2 PaintTheWorldGreen
Holy repitition, Batman!
You keep repeating nearly the exact same line, over and over again. I don't know whether it's to accentuate the point that Mark and Marie can never be together, or you just trying to fill up space.
Onto the next thing. Marie is completely two-dimensional. I have no sympathy toward her, no feeling as if she were a real being. And in fact, she's rather childish for a seventeen year-old girl. A thirty-two (or thirty-four? I don't remember, sorry) is not going to go after a teenager who's acting like an eleven year-old. Last time I checked, seventeen year-olds don't barge through people and stomp their feet whenever something upsets them, young children do.
See what I'm doing? I'm creatively re-stating the same fact over and over again to prove a point.
You need to get to know Marie and Mark a whole lot more. Make them real people, give them real emotions and life. Write them so it feels like I can reach out and shake one of their hands. I don't want to know I'm reading a story.
Onto the next chapter, I go...
Much regards,
Greenie
Holy repitition, Batman!
You keep repeating nearly the exact same line, over and over again. I don't know whether it's to accentuate the point that Mark and Marie can never be together, or you just trying to fill up space.
Onto the next thing. Marie is completely two-dimensional. I have no sympathy toward her, no feeling as if she were a real being. And in fact, she's rather childish for a seventeen year-old girl. A thirty-two (or thirty-four? I don't remember, sorry) is not going to go after a teenager who's acting like an eleven year-old. Last time I checked, seventeen year-olds don't barge through people and stomp their feet whenever something upsets them, young children do.
See what I'm doing? I'm creatively re-stating the same fact over and over again to prove a point.
You need to get to know Marie and Mark a whole lot more. Make them real people, give them real emotions and life. Write them so it feels like I can reach out and shake one of their hands. I don't want to know I'm reading a story.
Onto the next chapter, I go...
Much regards,
Greenie
8/11/2010 c1 PaintTheWorldGreen
All right. Let's jump right into this.
You have SO many grammatical errors, it's quite sad. I'm sure whatever program you're using has a spell-check, and most likely a grammar-check as well. The technology is right in front of you, so please, utilize it. On the off-chance your program doesn't have a spell/grammar check, simply re-read it over again. If something doesn't sound right, or doesn't sound like you'd read it in a novel, change it. Also, I'm sure that one of your friends would be happy to beta (check for grammar, spelling, continuity, etc...). Ya' got friends that like to read? Utilize them, too!
Okay. I love that you have an extremely wide vocabulary, but don't go overboard. Yes, we all love it when we sound intellectually sound and uber mature, but it doesn't always make for good sentences and stories. If you attack people with high-end vocabulary, they might turn their nose up or look away. It shouldn't feel like you're learning an English lesson every time you read a chapter.
Your writing's quite choppy. Once again, re-read what you've written. Say it out loud. Make sure that it's written so it's read exactly how you planned it. Over-use of commas or even breaking up sentences may sound good in your thoughts, but what about your readers? Once again, utilize friends as editors to tell you what they think.
I'm sorry this wasn't an: "OMG I LUV THIS...CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT CHAP!" review. I, as a fellow writer, have mixed feelings about those reviews. Of course, you love hearing that your work's appreciated, but I'd rather have a critique, something to improve my writing. Think about that while you're planning different ways to kill me right now...
I will read on, though, and hopefully see improvement. Because as a writer, I do see promise in you.
Sincerely,
Greenie
All right. Let's jump right into this.
You have SO many grammatical errors, it's quite sad. I'm sure whatever program you're using has a spell-check, and most likely a grammar-check as well. The technology is right in front of you, so please, utilize it. On the off-chance your program doesn't have a spell/grammar check, simply re-read it over again. If something doesn't sound right, or doesn't sound like you'd read it in a novel, change it. Also, I'm sure that one of your friends would be happy to beta (check for grammar, spelling, continuity, etc...). Ya' got friends that like to read? Utilize them, too!
Okay. I love that you have an extremely wide vocabulary, but don't go overboard. Yes, we all love it when we sound intellectually sound and uber mature, but it doesn't always make for good sentences and stories. If you attack people with high-end vocabulary, they might turn their nose up or look away. It shouldn't feel like you're learning an English lesson every time you read a chapter.
Your writing's quite choppy. Once again, re-read what you've written. Say it out loud. Make sure that it's written so it's read exactly how you planned it. Over-use of commas or even breaking up sentences may sound good in your thoughts, but what about your readers? Once again, utilize friends as editors to tell you what they think.
I'm sorry this wasn't an: "OMG I LUV THIS...CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT CHAP!" review. I, as a fellow writer, have mixed feelings about those reviews. Of course, you love hearing that your work's appreciated, but I'd rather have a critique, something to improve my writing. Think about that while you're planning different ways to kill me right now...
I will read on, though, and hopefully see improvement. Because as a writer, I do see promise in you.
Sincerely,
Greenie
7/26/2010 c1 1idratherbedreaming
I'm sorry, but I just can't bear to read further than this. There are so many grammatical errors, not to mention the fact that this first chapter seems more like an outline rather than an introduction. I like the idea, but it needs a LOT of work. In the beginning, where you're describing her, it's too lengthy. You can find a way to describe her without making it so... Well, terrible.
Also, I feel as if Marie isn't a very multidimensional character. She's rather flat, actually and a bit like a Mary Sue. You need to live her, feel her, know her as well as you know yourself. Not only that, but the supporting characters are flat as well. It's like you only use them as props and that's not how supporting characters should be written. Not the ones with names and emotions and lives that are interwoven with the main characters.
Overall, I would give this a two out of ten. I really like the idea of a student-teacher relationship, but honestly, this story is a bit like banging my head into a bed of nails multiple times. It needs a lot of work and I do believe that you are capable of the work, you just need to put in the initiative.
Besides, to be a writer, you have to write a lot and suck a lot before you become better. Just don't post the suckishness online for all to see and expect some major pats on the back. I'm not flaming you, I'm telling you the truth. I'm helping you. Just go back, re-read your work, and then make revisions. I think that would be best because so far, the storyline is pretty good. I like it, it just needs more work than Dolly Pardon has had in her lifetime, i.e. A LOT.
Good luck and happy writing.
-Daisy
1idratherbedreamingI'm sorry, but I just can't bear to read further than this. There are so many grammatical errors, not to mention the fact that this first chapter seems more like an outline rather than an introduction. I like the idea, but it needs a LOT of work. In the beginning, where you're describing her, it's too lengthy. You can find a way to describe her without making it so... Well, terrible.
Also, I feel as if Marie isn't a very multidimensional character. She's rather flat, actually and a bit like a Mary Sue. You need to live her, feel her, know her as well as you know yourself. Not only that, but the supporting characters are flat as well. It's like you only use them as props and that's not how supporting characters should be written. Not the ones with names and emotions and lives that are interwoven with the main characters.
Overall, I would give this a two out of ten. I really like the idea of a student-teacher relationship, but honestly, this story is a bit like banging my head into a bed of nails multiple times. It needs a lot of work and I do believe that you are capable of the work, you just need to put in the initiative.
Besides, to be a writer, you have to write a lot and suck a lot before you become better. Just don't post the suckishness online for all to see and expect some major pats on the back. I'm not flaming you, I'm telling you the truth. I'm helping you. Just go back, re-read your work, and then make revisions. I think that would be best because so far, the storyline is pretty good. I like it, it just needs more work than Dolly Pardon has had in her lifetime, i.e. A LOT.
Good luck and happy writing.
-Daisy
4/18/2007 c10 3DarkSweetRose
hey i love this story. like tat person said i like mark so much better then jesse i would rather have mark and her stay together no jesse i would also hate this story if she ends up with jesse i rather not i rahter have mark with her lol if u know lol :) im lovin this story thou it's really good and dont change too much :) wen are u going to update again ? i hope its not to late. well i'll be waitin :) bye
3DarkSweetRosehey i love this story. like tat person said i like mark so much better then jesse i would rather have mark and her stay together no jesse i would also hate this story if she ends up with jesse i rather not i rahter have mark with her lol if u know lol :) im lovin this story thou it's really good and dont change too much :) wen are u going to update again ? i hope its not to late. well i'll be waitin :) bye
4/9/2007 c10 3Traidy
. i like Mark, i don't like jesse. If she dumps Mark for Jesse, i will hate this story forever...
^-^ keep going, and don't change it too badly..
Signed,
sistine
3Traidy. i like Mark, i don't like jesse. If she dumps Mark for Jesse, i will hate this story forever...
^-^ keep going, and don't change it too badly..
Signed,
sistine
3/13/2007 c8 143DXM Junkie
She's really just toying around with him, its rather sad... it's a good story though.
143DXM JunkieShe's really just toying around with him, its rather sad... it's a good story though.
2/22/2007 c9 12sunflowersing
Nice story! It doesn't seem to be the end though. Where is the rest?
:-D
sunflowersing
12sunflowersingNice story! It doesn't seem to be the end though. Where is the rest?
:-D
sunflowersing