for Bonding of Souls1/9/2006 c5 
18Plinky
I have been meaning to review this for AGES! It has been on my list and I just haven't got around to it.
My eternal apologies. (Very special, they come in a special gift box. ;-D)
Nice length for the travelling bit with Madoline and Cole - the detail kept it moving and stopped it from being boring. I love the personification used for the weasel. I love him.
I love the way Madoline treated Quin when she first met him. Your writing seems very unique, and your characters act that way as well. Fantastic writing.
Curiouser and curiouser... I like the whole thing about drowning the witches, interesting.
Can't wait until your next update! (Good luck with your personal life! That sounds weird. Ah well. Hopefully you know what I mean.)
Keep writing!
18PlinkyI have been meaning to review this for AGES! It has been on my list and I just haven't got around to it.
My eternal apologies. (Very special, they come in a special gift box. ;-D)
Nice length for the travelling bit with Madoline and Cole - the detail kept it moving and stopped it from being boring. I love the personification used for the weasel. I love him.
I love the way Madoline treated Quin when she first met him. Your writing seems very unique, and your characters act that way as well. Fantastic writing.
Curiouser and curiouser... I like the whole thing about drowning the witches, interesting.
Can't wait until your next update! (Good luck with your personal life! That sounds weird. Ah well. Hopefully you know what I mean.)
Keep writing!
12/11/2005 c5 55Thurayya
Awwes. :( Poor Quin. May have been an arrogant little boy, but he was still, well, a little boy. Why did Eustace have such a big grudge on the boy?
I don't like Eustace. He makes me nervous. -;
Ooh, bond with a bear. :) Sounds exciting. I like Madoline. Partially because she has red hair. (I wanna dye my hair that color. xD) '“I don't know you,” and seemed to find that a personal insult.' XD I liked that.
Liking Cole even more, too. Because he may be a /bit/ crazy... but he's not love-sick. xDD Or maybe I just like his weasel. Oh, well.
I like how they're called by the animal's name that they're bonded with. :) It's very unique.
'Circle'... is that a place, or, like, and organization of witches? Or both?
- is really sad that all the dog witches have died - :( Poor puppies! - snugs own dog -
There were minimal mistakes in this chapter. - yay -
'I've been send to Horse...' It would be sent, not send.
'She looked to relieved of being out in the open.' I get what you're saying, but it doesn't make sense grammatically. It would be something like, 'She looked too relieved to be out in the open.'
I'm sory about whatever personal problems you're having. - hug - Hope you feel better soon!
- ala
55ThurayyaAwwes. :( Poor Quin. May have been an arrogant little boy, but he was still, well, a little boy. Why did Eustace have such a big grudge on the boy?
I don't like Eustace. He makes me nervous. -;
Ooh, bond with a bear. :) Sounds exciting. I like Madoline. Partially because she has red hair. (I wanna dye my hair that color. xD) '“I don't know you,” and seemed to find that a personal insult.' XD I liked that.
Liking Cole even more, too. Because he may be a /bit/ crazy... but he's not love-sick. xDD Or maybe I just like his weasel. Oh, well.
I like how they're called by the animal's name that they're bonded with. :) It's very unique.
'Circle'... is that a place, or, like, and organization of witches? Or both?
- is really sad that all the dog witches have died - :( Poor puppies! - snugs own dog -
There were minimal mistakes in this chapter. - yay -
'I've been send to Horse...' It would be sent, not send.
'She looked to relieved of being out in the open.' I get what you're saying, but it doesn't make sense grammatically. It would be something like, 'She looked too relieved to be out in the open.'
I'm sory about whatever personal problems you're having. - hug - Hope you feel better soon!
- ala
12/10/2005 c5 3Black Hellebore
They're (the tree roots) evil. Don't ever mistrust them!
Yeah o_o I kinda went on a rampage with that one -_-;
Anyways...
Fixables...
- "I've been send to Horse..." send = sent
- "...leaving 'witches' along." along = alone. Gawd. Evil...whateverit'scalled.
- "...but incredible useful..." incredible = incredibly, neh?
You're getting better at this ::claps loudly:: It's fun to read this story now, because I can be lazy and actually enjoy the plot instead of correcting grammr and shtuff (not that this is a reflection on this story or its quailities; the others I review set a bad standard in this case). Lufflyness.
Likables
Hah! I win! I knew the tree roots would attack! Joann, you're too right. They /do/ laugh at you, don't they... Now, where's meh hatchet...
XD
I don't think I stressed enough that I love /love/ LOVE the familiars. They're great. I was just wondering, but does the familiar someone's 'bonded' to reflect their personality, their soul, you might say? Hah! I figured it out. I do love working out titles. Heh.
The hunter's point of view was masterly. Now we know why the witches fear them, and how they can find them so easily. ;)
"I really want to see a witch with either a cat or a butterfly bond. I don't know why. But it t'would be very quewl. ::shrugs:: It would be /col/... ::cajols underhandedly::" I wrote this when I was halfwaythrough the story, and had no idea who Cat was. Now, I'm obsessed (and a little disapointed. I was hoping for a miraculous heroine...yanno... stereotypical stuff... yeah, I need to get my head of the fantasy-generalization clouds -_-) Still, a butterfly would be /quewll/...
Just joking. XD
3Black HelleboreThey're (the tree roots) evil. Don't ever mistrust them!
Yeah o_o I kinda went on a rampage with that one -_-;
Anyways...
Fixables...
- "I've been send to Horse..." send = sent
- "...leaving 'witches' along." along = alone. Gawd. Evil...whateverit'scalled.
- "...but incredible useful..." incredible = incredibly, neh?
You're getting better at this ::claps loudly:: It's fun to read this story now, because I can be lazy and actually enjoy the plot instead of correcting grammr and shtuff (not that this is a reflection on this story or its quailities; the others I review set a bad standard in this case). Lufflyness.
Likables
Hah! I win! I knew the tree roots would attack! Joann, you're too right. They /do/ laugh at you, don't they... Now, where's meh hatchet...
XD
I don't think I stressed enough that I love /love/ LOVE the familiars. They're great. I was just wondering, but does the familiar someone's 'bonded' to reflect their personality, their soul, you might say? Hah! I figured it out. I do love working out titles. Heh.
The hunter's point of view was masterly. Now we know why the witches fear them, and how they can find them so easily. ;)
"I really want to see a witch with either a cat or a butterfly bond. I don't know why. But it t'would be very quewl. ::shrugs:: It would be /col/... ::cajols underhandedly::" I wrote this when I was halfwaythrough the story, and had no idea who Cat was. Now, I'm obsessed (and a little disapointed. I was hoping for a miraculous heroine...yanno... stereotypical stuff... yeah, I need to get my head of the fantasy-generalization clouds -_-) Still, a butterfly would be /quewll/...
Just joking. XD
12/8/2005 c4 18Plinky
I didn't realise I hadn't read this chapter!
It was a little confusing when i went to read the next one. Lol.
The first line - "I can't believe it! I can't believe it!" sounds a little strange. I can't work out what it is, but I think there are too many exclamation marks in there. Or something. Although I like the speech tag. Nicely written. XP
I like Joann. And I like how you tell bits of the story from the animals' points of view. Interestink, very interestink...
"The horse swished her tail and neighed unsettled" You need a comma before 'unsettled'.
Although Joann did mention not feeling any fear, it did feel strange her talking about the hunter and everything in such a remote, analytical way. You would think anyone with a big knife would scare anyone, even if they are used to it. I don't know - that's up to you, obviously! XP
Yeah, Thom didn't sound very scared either. I don't know why. The trembling bit was good, but I didn't really get a sense of fear.
Nice description of the hunter being shot, with him just stopping and everything. Really well written.
Quin's kinda creepy. In an I'm-too-cheerful-for-no-apparent-reason-and-I've-just-killed-a-man kind of way. XD hehe. I don't know, he's too, chirpy. Could be interesting. He creeps me out more than the hunter, actually.
Nice description of Quin.
I like Thom's tormented indecisionness. Man, that's appalling english. You know what I mean.
"Clean and quickly, the boy didn't seem the least disturbed..." I think it maybe needs some sign that he's cut the guy's neck, it seems to be missing a little here. I don't know.
All of this is just my opinion, obviously.
I'm intrigued!
Oh, btw, if you hadn't noticed, I'm in a very CC mood tonight. So yeah, everything I could possibly find was in this review. I can find nothing else wrong with it - the rest is perfect! Keep writing! XP
18PlinkyI didn't realise I hadn't read this chapter!
It was a little confusing when i went to read the next one. Lol.
The first line - "I can't believe it! I can't believe it!" sounds a little strange. I can't work out what it is, but I think there are too many exclamation marks in there. Or something. Although I like the speech tag. Nicely written. XP
I like Joann. And I like how you tell bits of the story from the animals' points of view. Interestink, very interestink...
"The horse swished her tail and neighed unsettled" You need a comma before 'unsettled'.
Although Joann did mention not feeling any fear, it did feel strange her talking about the hunter and everything in such a remote, analytical way. You would think anyone with a big knife would scare anyone, even if they are used to it. I don't know - that's up to you, obviously! XP
Yeah, Thom didn't sound very scared either. I don't know why. The trembling bit was good, but I didn't really get a sense of fear.
Nice description of the hunter being shot, with him just stopping and everything. Really well written.
Quin's kinda creepy. In an I'm-too-cheerful-for-no-apparent-reason-and-I've-just-killed-a-man kind of way. XD hehe. I don't know, he's too, chirpy. Could be interesting. He creeps me out more than the hunter, actually.
Nice description of Quin.
I like Thom's tormented indecisionness. Man, that's appalling english. You know what I mean.
"Clean and quickly, the boy didn't seem the least disturbed..." I think it maybe needs some sign that he's cut the guy's neck, it seems to be missing a little here. I don't know.
All of this is just my opinion, obviously.
I'm intrigued!
Oh, btw, if you hadn't noticed, I'm in a very CC mood tonight. So yeah, everything I could possibly find was in this review. I can find nothing else wrong with it - the rest is perfect! Keep writing! XP
12/3/2005 c4 3Black Hellebore
Back for more... and I luff being in author's notes. Does magic for my ego, heh =)
Fixables...
- Some of the sentances here are a little choppy, but the choppily-ness seems to be diluting as I read. You're getting better (unconciously or no, it's still an improvement)!
- Write out numbers, even little ones like six.
Likables...
Damn the tree roots! In two stories I've now read, they've come from nowhere to kill unsuspecting young women. What has the world come to? Although it probably wasn't intentional, reading that made me laugh so hard I had to remove myself from the computer room and drink some water to calm down o_O
It was quewl how you had Thom be all confused-like about what the hunter was doing, and it made him seem younger, less responsible and grim. Yanno? I don't think I'm doing a great job getting my point across here, am I? 0_o
Nice rising action; Who is this Quin? Ooh! Enigmah...
And all I have to say now is...
Damn the treet roots some more! :D
3Black HelleboreBack for more... and I luff being in author's notes. Does magic for my ego, heh =)
Fixables...
- Some of the sentances here are a little choppy, but the choppily-ness seems to be diluting as I read. You're getting better (unconciously or no, it's still an improvement)!
- Write out numbers, even little ones like six.
Likables...
Damn the tree roots! In two stories I've now read, they've come from nowhere to kill unsuspecting young women. What has the world come to? Although it probably wasn't intentional, reading that made me laugh so hard I had to remove myself from the computer room and drink some water to calm down o_O
It was quewl how you had Thom be all confused-like about what the hunter was doing, and it made him seem younger, less responsible and grim. Yanno? I don't think I'm doing a great job getting my point across here, am I? 0_o
Nice rising action; Who is this Quin? Ooh! Enigmah...
And all I have to say now is...
Damn the treet roots some more! :D
12/3/2005 c3 Black Hellebore
Okay! I'm back (again). More reviewage.
Fixables...
- Shacking came up again. Shaking's what you mean.
- Perhaps descibe the fight a little bit better. I was unsure at first what had happened to the man, but I got it after a while.
- When the familiar says things to the human, you should have it in some form of speech, so we don't have to guess at what he did say, and rely on the human's response.
Likables...
More nice plottage; intriguing and interesting. I like this Mandoline person, although I don't know too much about her yet. Keep it up :)
Okay! I'm back (again). More reviewage.
Fixables...
- Shacking came up again. Shaking's what you mean.
- Perhaps descibe the fight a little bit better. I was unsure at first what had happened to the man, but I got it after a while.
- When the familiar says things to the human, you should have it in some form of speech, so we don't have to guess at what he did say, and rely on the human's response.
Likables...
More nice plottage; intriguing and interesting. I like this Mandoline person, although I don't know too much about her yet. Keep it up :)
12/3/2005 c3 2Zaara21
Wow great sotry! It's really different from the usual stuff. I really like the conflict within the characters. It makes them more real.
There are a few things that kind bothered me. One is the exotic clothing thing. You mention it twice for two different characters and it is much too plain of a descriptiion. We don't know where your story is taking place, which makes it difficult to guess what could be considered "exotic." You don't have to tell us when or where it takes place, but some hints would be nice.
Also, why are witches so afaid of the hunters? Witches have magical powers so why would they be so terrified of regular humans? Do they have guns? What advantages do the hunters have over the witches? Maybe you plan on revealling that later on but there has to be a reason why the witches fear the hunters.
Another thing that bother me is we don't know what is Madoline's familiar, which I'm guessing is the animals right? I like how you don't flat out tell us, but you could give us more hints so we can draw a conclusion on our own. I'm guessing it's a bear and if that's the case, you could say that it stood on it's hind legs and growled at the weasel or something that other characterisic that would give the animal away without ever directly saying what it was.
I hope I'm not coming off very harsh. I really like the story. You're very good at describing the characters expressions and conveying their feelings. The plot is really intriguing too. I lthink Madoline is my favorite character. She's got spunk!
By the way, kudos on your excellent usuage of the english language. When I read your story I couldn't tell that it was your second language! I know people who have english as their first language and they couldn't write a letter to their dying grandma.
Anway I look forward to reading more. Maybe you can check out my story some time? I'd love the critique. Ciao!
2Zaara21Wow great sotry! It's really different from the usual stuff. I really like the conflict within the characters. It makes them more real.
There are a few things that kind bothered me. One is the exotic clothing thing. You mention it twice for two different characters and it is much too plain of a descriptiion. We don't know where your story is taking place, which makes it difficult to guess what could be considered "exotic." You don't have to tell us when or where it takes place, but some hints would be nice.
Also, why are witches so afaid of the hunters? Witches have magical powers so why would they be so terrified of regular humans? Do they have guns? What advantages do the hunters have over the witches? Maybe you plan on revealling that later on but there has to be a reason why the witches fear the hunters.
Another thing that bother me is we don't know what is Madoline's familiar, which I'm guessing is the animals right? I like how you don't flat out tell us, but you could give us more hints so we can draw a conclusion on our own. I'm guessing it's a bear and if that's the case, you could say that it stood on it's hind legs and growled at the weasel or something that other characterisic that would give the animal away without ever directly saying what it was.
I hope I'm not coming off very harsh. I really like the story. You're very good at describing the characters expressions and conveying their feelings. The plot is really intriguing too. I lthink Madoline is my favorite character. She's got spunk!
By the way, kudos on your excellent usuage of the english language. When I read your story I couldn't tell that it was your second language! I know people who have english as their first language and they couldn't write a letter to their dying grandma.
Anway I look forward to reading more. Maybe you can check out my story some time? I'd love the critique. Ciao!
12/3/2005 c2 3Black Hellebore
Hyay. I have returned.
I'm very, exceedingly sorry about not reviewing you, since you've been devoutly reviewing my o_o; personal problems, we can say.
Things -to- Fix
- 'Unmounted,' should be 'dismounted,' I think.
- "...knowing the weasel had better senses then him in the dusk." Then is a preposition of time. Than is a comparison between two things. Common error ^^
- "But the two of us isn't enough," should sound more flow-y as, 'But the two of us aren't enough.' Tricky grammar spot, than one is, though.
- "Shacking his head..." shaking is the correct spelling. Gawd. Spelling is the bane of my existance. Hard to spell and type, yanno?
- “I can, but that doesn't make me like him. It's completely different, sis, and it's called self-defence, lacks an ending quotation.
Things -I- Liked
- It's progressing nicely; I like the storyline, the dialouge, the plottage, and the writing style. It's a well-rounded work of fiction, and it makes me actually /want/ to read it (enough of these stories on this site don't, for gawdsake -_o;). Good job!
3Black HelleboreHyay. I have returned.
I'm very, exceedingly sorry about not reviewing you, since you've been devoutly reviewing my o_o; personal problems, we can say.
Things -to- Fix
- 'Unmounted,' should be 'dismounted,' I think.
- "...knowing the weasel had better senses then him in the dusk." Then is a preposition of time. Than is a comparison between two things. Common error ^^
- "But the two of us isn't enough," should sound more flow-y as, 'But the two of us aren't enough.' Tricky grammar spot, than one is, though.
- "Shacking his head..." shaking is the correct spelling. Gawd. Spelling is the bane of my existance. Hard to spell and type, yanno?
- “I can, but that doesn't make me like him. It's completely different, sis, and it's called self-defence, lacks an ending quotation.
Things -I- Liked
- It's progressing nicely; I like the storyline, the dialouge, the plottage, and the writing style. It's a well-rounded work of fiction, and it makes me actually /want/ to read it (enough of these stories on this site don't, for gawdsake -_o;). Good job!
11/24/2005 c3 18Plinky
Lovely chapter!
"Cole had a genuine smile on his face, the first one since ages" 'since' doesn't really work in this sentence. I think it should be 'for'.
Are the animals like the witches' familiars? I love the relationships they have with them.
I like the indecision about what to do with the woman. Makes Cole seem more human.
Who is Madoline's companion? I just have an image in my head of this humungous furry thing with claws and teeth. It's not pretty! Although I kind of like the 'not knowing' what it is. I don't know.
I like the way they talk about Midosa - sounds like it really is quite scary.
Great chapter! I love this story - it's so well written, and sounds like the beginning of a good plot! Keep writing!
18PlinkyLovely chapter!
"Cole had a genuine smile on his face, the first one since ages" 'since' doesn't really work in this sentence. I think it should be 'for'.
Are the animals like the witches' familiars? I love the relationships they have with them.
I like the indecision about what to do with the woman. Makes Cole seem more human.
Who is Madoline's companion? I just have an image in my head of this humungous furry thing with claws and teeth. It's not pretty! Although I kind of like the 'not knowing' what it is. I don't know.
I like the way they talk about Midosa - sounds like it really is quite scary.
Great chapter! I love this story - it's so well written, and sounds like the beginning of a good plot! Keep writing!
11/23/2005 c2 Plinky
"A lonely rider reached a lonely forest after lonely hours of travel, accompanied only by a weasel, who sat still and balanced on the horse's back." I. love. this. sentence. I love it! The repetition is really unusual and works really well, the weasel is a really nice touch and altogether it makes a lovely image!
I love it. Really made me smile.
I like the personalities of the animals as well as the people.
"went with her hand through her blonde hair" sounds a little odd - I think maybe you mean "her hand went through" I can see what you're trying to say, but it sounds a bit strange.
"She was followed more reluctant" should be reluctantLY
"He was even more resentful then the weasel" then should be than.
I like the obvious conflict within Joann's mind. Gives her more depth. Not that your characters need it, they're incredibly well crafted.
The doubts about each other that they have are good too.
"listening to how the wind played with the leafs." should be leaVES.
I'd like to know what 'flamboyant clothing' the man was wearing. I'm imagining a sort of (Don't laugh) aladdin type style, but I don't know. A little detail would be nice here.
Lovely detail about the fish in the river. I really liked it.
Lovely chapter all together! This sounds like the beginning of an incredible story!
;-D
"A lonely rider reached a lonely forest after lonely hours of travel, accompanied only by a weasel, who sat still and balanced on the horse's back." I. love. this. sentence. I love it! The repetition is really unusual and works really well, the weasel is a really nice touch and altogether it makes a lovely image!
I love it. Really made me smile.
I like the personalities of the animals as well as the people.
"went with her hand through her blonde hair" sounds a little odd - I think maybe you mean "her hand went through" I can see what you're trying to say, but it sounds a bit strange.
"She was followed more reluctant" should be reluctantLY
"He was even more resentful then the weasel" then should be than.
I like the obvious conflict within Joann's mind. Gives her more depth. Not that your characters need it, they're incredibly well crafted.
The doubts about each other that they have are good too.
"listening to how the wind played with the leafs." should be leaVES.
I'd like to know what 'flamboyant clothing' the man was wearing. I'm imagining a sort of (Don't laugh) aladdin type style, but I don't know. A little detail would be nice here.
Lovely detail about the fish in the river. I really liked it.
Lovely chapter all together! This sounds like the beginning of an incredible story!
;-D
11/23/2005 c1 Plinky
Can I just say I LOVE YODA TOO! Sorry, I've just read your bio and I love him, he's so cool!
My friends all think I'm weird. Lol.
Your writing style is lovely. Really beautifully written first chapter, I loved it.
Lovely beginning.
"Although that might not be true." Nice line.
"Her brown eyes" I wasn't sure whether you were talking about Joann's or the mare's there.
Nice differentiation between the characters already - they have distinct personalities even though they've hardly spoken. Not that speech is the only way to show character.
"As though she was made out of feathers" lovely description.
Really really nice beginning, I love it! I'm intrigued!
Keep writing!
Can I just say I LOVE YODA TOO! Sorry, I've just read your bio and I love him, he's so cool!
My friends all think I'm weird. Lol.
Your writing style is lovely. Really beautifully written first chapter, I loved it.
Lovely beginning.
"Although that might not be true." Nice line.
"Her brown eyes" I wasn't sure whether you were talking about Joann's or the mare's there.
Nice differentiation between the characters already - they have distinct personalities even though they've hardly spoken. Not that speech is the only way to show character.
"As though she was made out of feathers" lovely description.
Really really nice beginning, I love it! I'm intrigued!
Keep writing!
11/20/2005 c4 1rrmehta364
i think i see what you're trying to do in the sentence, “I can't believe it! I can't believe it!” Thom shouted, balling his fists and ready to punch someone. Hard." still i think itd be better if it were one senence
theres a that missing in the sentence, "with a look that told the youth he would be despised for the rest of his life if he didn't manage to pull himself together."
why are the lines,"The hunter leaped forward, ready to strike at Thom with the dangerously long mace. Stumbling backwards, the youth fell down on the ground when –
When the weirdest thing happened." in that manner.
oh, the fact witch was a term used for both genders confused me for some time.
there were two other sentences i saw problems with, but my sis accidentally deleted the review just as i finished it and i i went back to try to find them. anyways, good chappie. question: just what exactly can witches do? i think i need to know that beforing unleashing a barrage of questions. you do an excellent job with details really setting the mood. the character interactions seem very genuine, and the only overall major flaw was the action seemed vaguely off. i cant quite put my finger on it, but i struggled to understand it.
1rrmehta364i think i see what you're trying to do in the sentence, “I can't believe it! I can't believe it!” Thom shouted, balling his fists and ready to punch someone. Hard." still i think itd be better if it were one senence
theres a that missing in the sentence, "with a look that told the youth he would be despised for the rest of his life if he didn't manage to pull himself together."
why are the lines,"The hunter leaped forward, ready to strike at Thom with the dangerously long mace. Stumbling backwards, the youth fell down on the ground when –
When the weirdest thing happened." in that manner.
oh, the fact witch was a term used for both genders confused me for some time.
there were two other sentences i saw problems with, but my sis accidentally deleted the review just as i finished it and i i went back to try to find them. anyways, good chappie. question: just what exactly can witches do? i think i need to know that beforing unleashing a barrage of questions. you do an excellent job with details really setting the mood. the character interactions seem very genuine, and the only overall major flaw was the action seemed vaguely off. i cant quite put my finger on it, but i struggled to understand it.
11/13/2005 c4 55Thurayya
'Thom sighed. No, he could not. Even as he was staring down at the man who tried to do him in earlier, the youth couldn't even harm him if he wasn't in the heat of the moment. Was he that weak? Or was this no weakness at all?'
I really liked that. :) And that last bit about Cole killing hunters... ah, if only Thom knew that it was a /bit/ different than how he thought.
I like Cole. But whenever I think of him I think of Cole from Charmed, haha.
Only one thing that I picked up, and that was in the paragraph-thing I sent you -
'Or was this no weakness at all?'
'Or was this *not* weakness at all?'
Of course, it could have easily been a typo, but just checking. :)
Great job!
- ala
-hums I Just Can't Wait to be King in retaliation -
55Thurayya'Thom sighed. No, he could not. Even as he was staring down at the man who tried to do him in earlier, the youth couldn't even harm him if he wasn't in the heat of the moment. Was he that weak? Or was this no weakness at all?'
I really liked that. :) And that last bit about Cole killing hunters... ah, if only Thom knew that it was a /bit/ different than how he thought.
I like Cole. But whenever I think of him I think of Cole from Charmed, haha.
Only one thing that I picked up, and that was in the paragraph-thing I sent you -
'Or was this no weakness at all?'
'Or was this *not* weakness at all?'
Of course, it could have easily been a typo, but just checking. :)
Great job!
- ala
-hums I Just Can't Wait to be King in retaliation -
11/12/2005 c2 1rrmehta364
i dont think its necessary to put the thud between quotes. wait, when had the man spoken before. you said he once had a hearty tone, but i dont remember hearing him speak. oh, in the sentence, "Thom would abandon the moment he found out she was even considering it!" there should be a her after the abandon. your grammar isnt bad at all. indeed, my grammar is simply atrocious. anyways, great job with detail. i like the mood of the story, though i cant really describe it. overall, great story and i look forward to reading more.
1rrmehta364i dont think its necessary to put the thud between quotes. wait, when had the man spoken before. you said he once had a hearty tone, but i dont remember hearing him speak. oh, in the sentence, "Thom would abandon the moment he found out she was even considering it!" there should be a her after the abandon. your grammar isnt bad at all. indeed, my grammar is simply atrocious. anyways, great job with detail. i like the mood of the story, though i cant really describe it. overall, great story and i look forward to reading more.
10/28/2005 c3 55Thurayya
'The weasel noticed his companion's inner confusion and rudely bit him in the leg.'
LOL.
This chapter was good; you did well in the grammer. It was short, unfortunatley. :( But oh well, if you update, I'll be happy again. :)
Ah, a new character. Madoline. What kind of animal does she have? A wolf? Bear? Or did you say and I missed it?
I've decided that I like her.
Do you mind that I'm already forming pairings in my head? - thwacks self -
Oh, confliction. (I'm not even sure if that's a word, but I like it. =]) The whole hunting witch-hunters thing seems to be taking an effect on Cole. I don't know who I agree with; Cole, on his position to detroy the people that are threatening their lives, or Joann and Thom, who don't want to fit themselves into the stereotype of evil satanic... people.
(Now is the point where you realize why I love your descriptive language.)
Very good. I'm looking foward to more. :)
- aladailey
55Thurayya'The weasel noticed his companion's inner confusion and rudely bit him in the leg.'
LOL.
This chapter was good; you did well in the grammer. It was short, unfortunatley. :( But oh well, if you update, I'll be happy again. :)
Ah, a new character. Madoline. What kind of animal does she have? A wolf? Bear? Or did you say and I missed it?
I've decided that I like her.
Do you mind that I'm already forming pairings in my head? - thwacks self -
Oh, confliction. (I'm not even sure if that's a word, but I like it. =]) The whole hunting witch-hunters thing seems to be taking an effect on Cole. I don't know who I agree with; Cole, on his position to detroy the people that are threatening their lives, or Joann and Thom, who don't want to fit themselves into the stereotype of evil satanic... people.
(Now is the point where you realize why I love your descriptive language.)
Very good. I'm looking foward to more. :)
- aladailey