for Bonding of Souls10/28/2005 c2 
55Thurayya
I liked this chapter. I can see the conflict about them not killing their hunters: it would only prove what they are made out to be.
I particularly like your use of animals - does each witch have its animal? Anyway, it gives depth - and I like the raven, lol.
Cole seems intriguing, and I'm eager to know more about the history that you imply - I get the impression that they used to be good friends, but maybe that's just me.
Again, only a few minor errors. 'Before roping the horse to a particularly thick oak, the tall man dusted off his old cloak.' This sentence was a little bit awkward. You can rearrange it, just by saying, 'The tall man dusted off his old cloak, then roped the horse to a particularly thick oak.' Again, with this sentence: '...where the hunter had stood moments before suspiciously.' It would be better if you just put 'suspiciously stood'; its less awkward.
I'd just like to say that your descriptive language is amazing. '...listening to how the wind played with the leafs.' I loved that, for some reason. It was very unique. :)
Off to read chapter three. Or, technically, chapter two. I guess.
- ala :D
55ThurayyaI liked this chapter. I can see the conflict about them not killing their hunters: it would only prove what they are made out to be.
I particularly like your use of animals - does each witch have its animal? Anyway, it gives depth - and I like the raven, lol.
Cole seems intriguing, and I'm eager to know more about the history that you imply - I get the impression that they used to be good friends, but maybe that's just me.
Again, only a few minor errors. 'Before roping the horse to a particularly thick oak, the tall man dusted off his old cloak.' This sentence was a little bit awkward. You can rearrange it, just by saying, 'The tall man dusted off his old cloak, then roped the horse to a particularly thick oak.' Again, with this sentence: '...where the hunter had stood moments before suspiciously.' It would be better if you just put 'suspiciously stood'; its less awkward.
I'd just like to say that your descriptive language is amazing. '...listening to how the wind played with the leafs.' I loved that, for some reason. It was very unique. :)
Off to read chapter three. Or, technically, chapter two. I guess.
- ala :D
10/28/2005 c1 Thurayya
Hey, great prologue. I liked it except I found a few minor errors: you called the horse's hip reddish-brown, when reddish-brown horses are known as chestnuts. So you would say chestnut hip. '...shoulder, but this time the bird was much carefuller.' You would say, 'more carefully.' 'The girl jumped on the horse's back effortless...' Effortlessly. Adverb. :)
I read your profile, and understand you're Dutch - which means English isn't your first langueage, right? Wekll, if that's true, I applaud you on your beautiful grasp on it so far - to hell if I was able to do that with Spanish, lol.
Great job! I'll start reading the rest of this.
- ala
(By the way... The Lion King /is/ the best movie ever [who are you if you haven't memorized 'I Just Can't Wait to be King?'], but also Star Wars - and Yoda is on your favorite character list. ;) Great taste. Lol.)
Hey, great prologue. I liked it except I found a few minor errors: you called the horse's hip reddish-brown, when reddish-brown horses are known as chestnuts. So you would say chestnut hip. '...shoulder, but this time the bird was much carefuller.' You would say, 'more carefully.' 'The girl jumped on the horse's back effortless...' Effortlessly. Adverb. :)
I read your profile, and understand you're Dutch - which means English isn't your first langueage, right? Wekll, if that's true, I applaud you on your beautiful grasp on it so far - to hell if I was able to do that with Spanish, lol.
Great job! I'll start reading the rest of this.
- ala
(By the way... The Lion King /is/ the best movie ever [who are you if you haven't memorized 'I Just Can't Wait to be King?'], but also Star Wars - and Yoda is on your favorite character list. ;) Great taste. Lol.)
10/24/2005 c1 Clodhopper
I like how you have it as Thom instead of Tom.
I didn't see many errors to correct, which is surprising because I'm such a freak when it comes to spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
Short but sweet, just the way I like chapters to be.
Marvelous job.
~Ty
Don't worry about getting us mixed up with someone else. It was a simple mistake, no harm done.
I like how you have it as Thom instead of Tom.
I didn't see many errors to correct, which is surprising because I'm such a freak when it comes to spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
Short but sweet, just the way I like chapters to be.
Marvelous job.
~Ty
Don't worry about getting us mixed up with someone else. It was a simple mistake, no harm done.
10/22/2005 c1 3Black Hellebore
I'm not the best grammar judge, but I'll help as I may XD Don't run to think i'm an English teacher or anything, but I can see some grammar fix 'ems.
Things to fix... You may want to change, "But the approuching man and woman were not just anyone. They were Thom and Joann," to "But the approuching pair weren't just anyone. They were Thom and Joann." I have no idea why, but that seems to flow better... And you may want to consider finding a substitute for 'its'. You say it, like, nine times? in the first sentance (I jest, but really, consider it). And "For a minute the two animals sat so still that it wouldn't look natural..." to "For a minute, the two animals sat so till it wouldn't have looked natural..."; generally, you seem to miss linking verbs/conjuctions a bit... perhaps work on that? I don't really know that there's much more to correct XD
Things I liked? The plot, the raven, and the general story. It's intriguing, new, and very well written. I want to see where this heads...
Ciao, muchachos!
3Black HelleboreI'm not the best grammar judge, but I'll help as I may XD Don't run to think i'm an English teacher or anything, but I can see some grammar fix 'ems.
Things to fix... You may want to change, "But the approuching man and woman were not just anyone. They were Thom and Joann," to "But the approuching pair weren't just anyone. They were Thom and Joann." I have no idea why, but that seems to flow better... And you may want to consider finding a substitute for 'its'. You say it, like, nine times? in the first sentance (I jest, but really, consider it). And "For a minute the two animals sat so still that it wouldn't look natural..." to "For a minute, the two animals sat so till it wouldn't have looked natural..."; generally, you seem to miss linking verbs/conjuctions a bit... perhaps work on that? I don't really know that there's much more to correct XD
Things I liked? The plot, the raven, and the general story. It's intriguing, new, and very well written. I want to see where this heads...
Ciao, muchachos!
10/1/2005 c1 1rrmehta364
i really like the story so far. the "Or was there?" line seems a little choppy. i think i kbow what you were trying to do on tht one, but it seems a little too choppy.
Oh and the line, "bathing in moonlight, they were clearly visible for anyone inside the farm" is a little funny. I think it should be bathed, because that would get what you're trying to say better across. the detail, and the descriptions of how characters are very good. i couldn't really tell english is your second language in this chapter. good job.
1rrmehta364i really like the story so far. the "Or was there?" line seems a little choppy. i think i kbow what you were trying to do on tht one, but it seems a little too choppy.
Oh and the line, "bathing in moonlight, they were clearly visible for anyone inside the farm" is a little funny. I think it should be bathed, because that would get what you're trying to say better across. the detail, and the descriptions of how characters are very good. i couldn't really tell english is your second language in this chapter. good job.
8/27/2005 c3 12Lccorp2
Harr.
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
Now let's see...you can use a variety of nouns and sentence openers (Nouns, verbs, adjectives, because, when/while, prepositions, etc.) For example, in the last chapter, you use "Cole" too much...try somthing based off a description off him. "The cloaked man", maybe? A good read is Eyetk's "Writing with diversity" which can be found on this site.
http:/w.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1942775
Now, you still haven't corrected some grammar. While I understand that english isn't your first language, neither is it of my creator (his first language is chinese) and yet he can write decently. Don't rely on the spellchecker of your word processor-proofread, and proofread AGAIN.
Example: “He is not our real enemies, my friend,” this is plural, and should be singular. (Enemy.)
These piddling errors interfere with the flow of your story and detract from the enjoyablility of the plot. That's not good.
I will not comment on the plot as of yet, for it hasn't had enough time to develop. The beginning could lead to a good or bad story, so I won't say much...
A nice variety of paragraph lengths would be good, too.
That's it for now...see you on the Demonic Planes...and in my office at Evil Inc. I'll keep a tab on you and your story.
12Lccorp2Harr.
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
Now let's see...you can use a variety of nouns and sentence openers (Nouns, verbs, adjectives, because, when/while, prepositions, etc.) For example, in the last chapter, you use "Cole" too much...try somthing based off a description off him. "The cloaked man", maybe? A good read is Eyetk's "Writing with diversity" which can be found on this site.
http:/w.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1942775
Now, you still haven't corrected some grammar. While I understand that english isn't your first language, neither is it of my creator (his first language is chinese) and yet he can write decently. Don't rely on the spellchecker of your word processor-proofread, and proofread AGAIN.
Example: “He is not our real enemies, my friend,” this is plural, and should be singular. (Enemy.)
These piddling errors interfere with the flow of your story and detract from the enjoyablility of the plot. That's not good.
I will not comment on the plot as of yet, for it hasn't had enough time to develop. The beginning could lead to a good or bad story, so I won't say much...
A nice variety of paragraph lengths would be good, too.
That's it for now...see you on the Demonic Planes...and in my office at Evil Inc. I'll keep a tab on you and your story.
8/21/2005 c2 1Clodhopper
"Me too" should be "me, too." Be careful - especially in the first chapter - of repeating words back-to-back, especially names. that will stop the flow of your otherwise flawless writing. this was a very well written piece, kudos
~Mack
1Clodhopper"Me too" should be "me, too." Be careful - especially in the first chapter - of repeating words back-to-back, especially names. that will stop the flow of your otherwise flawless writing. this was a very well written piece, kudos
~Mack
8/19/2005 c2 1jadoreamor
Wow! you updated so quickly! I'm so used to waiting months for an update, so this was awesome. The introduction of 'Cole' was a good idea, in my opinion it gives the reader a chance to find out more about Joann and Thom. I never pick up any spelling or gramma mistakes, my mind as a knack for skipping them over, but I did notice one near the end of the chapter:
"While the three refreshed, the raven had *sit* silently in a tree, emitting a certain dislike for the water." - sit should be in past tense, 'sat' or you could say 'had been sitting' in place of 'had sat'
can't wait for another update! I wonder if they will stumble across the hunter again, he sounds like a very interesting character! ^_^
1jadoreamorWow! you updated so quickly! I'm so used to waiting months for an update, so this was awesome. The introduction of 'Cole' was a good idea, in my opinion it gives the reader a chance to find out more about Joann and Thom. I never pick up any spelling or gramma mistakes, my mind as a knack for skipping them over, but I did notice one near the end of the chapter:
"While the three refreshed, the raven had *sit* silently in a tree, emitting a certain dislike for the water." - sit should be in past tense, 'sat' or you could say 'had been sitting' in place of 'had sat'
can't wait for another update! I wonder if they will stumble across the hunter again, he sounds like a very interesting character! ^_^
8/19/2005 c1 jadoreamor
Yay! ^_^ good prologue. I like how it doesn't give away to much, most prologue's on fictionpress do. It was also surprisingly smooth, I was just reading this story that was jumping all over the place and reading this was such a relief! ^_^
Yay! ^_^ good prologue. I like how it doesn't give away to much, most prologue's on fictionpress do. It was also surprisingly smooth, I was just reading this story that was jumping all over the place and reading this was such a relief! ^_^
8/16/2005 c2 4Antoine De La Baraque
Heya there, thanks for reviewing my story. I would advise to read the other one, though - I put much more emphasis and work into that one. Plus, an update is coming soon. :) Anyway, to your story:
Prologue was good, although I think it lacked detail. Perhaps describe the location more and the farm, perhaps. Also work on the dialogue - it seems to be your weakest point so far.
On to Chapter One:
The dialogue seems a bit weird again. Made me stop when I read the "mammalian friend."Thud is a word - go ahead and take out the quotes.Dialogue gets better. I like!"Thom was now breezing like a wild bull who had seen something very red." hehe nice similie :)I'd take off the quotes you use again. Makes it awkward. "“Well, I don't care what he says, but he'll always be my enemy!”" sounds fabricated. I no like. :-P
"They stayed close to the ground for what seemed like hours, but then Thom was convinced the hunter was truly gone and stood up." - you describe a long period of time in a sentence. You need to elaborate more here.
"her smile broadened when the animal drank voracious from it. She bend down" - voraciously - adv bent - past of bend. :)
"ignoring the bird's attics" - antics. attic is the top floor of a building :-P
Overall, nice plot and setting. This is very original - not something you see often on fictionpress anymore. Your dialogue needs work here and there and I think you could use lots more of descriptions. Don't feel bad, though - it's a problem every writer has in the beginning. I know I did. Plus I know what it feels like to be a writer in a foreign language - I'm not a native speaker either.
Keep going! Good work so far. I enjoyed this. :)
4Antoine De La BaraqueHeya there, thanks for reviewing my story. I would advise to read the other one, though - I put much more emphasis and work into that one. Plus, an update is coming soon. :) Anyway, to your story:
Prologue was good, although I think it lacked detail. Perhaps describe the location more and the farm, perhaps. Also work on the dialogue - it seems to be your weakest point so far.
On to Chapter One:
The dialogue seems a bit weird again. Made me stop when I read the "mammalian friend."Thud is a word - go ahead and take out the quotes.Dialogue gets better. I like!"Thom was now breezing like a wild bull who had seen something very red." hehe nice similie :)I'd take off the quotes you use again. Makes it awkward. "“Well, I don't care what he says, but he'll always be my enemy!”" sounds fabricated. I no like. :-P
"They stayed close to the ground for what seemed like hours, but then Thom was convinced the hunter was truly gone and stood up." - you describe a long period of time in a sentence. You need to elaborate more here.
"her smile broadened when the animal drank voracious from it. She bend down" - voraciously - adv bent - past of bend. :)
"ignoring the bird's attics" - antics. attic is the top floor of a building :-P
Overall, nice plot and setting. This is very original - not something you see often on fictionpress anymore. Your dialogue needs work here and there and I think you could use lots more of descriptions. Don't feel bad, though - it's a problem every writer has in the beginning. I know I did. Plus I know what it feels like to be a writer in a foreign language - I'm not a native speaker either.
Keep going! Good work so far. I enjoyed this. :)
8/13/2005 c1 Broken Confessions
Hi. Since you reviewed mine i thought i'd be kind and return the favour! :).
You know for someone who's first language isn't english, you so near perfect it's scary. Whereas my french... leaves a lot to be desired.What's your original language?
As for your story, i really enjoyed it. I love your characters and i loved how you gave the animals an almost human like quality. Your description was also very well done. I'll be waiting for your update!
Stephiex
Hi. Since you reviewed mine i thought i'd be kind and return the favour! :).
You know for someone who's first language isn't english, you so near perfect it's scary. Whereas my french... leaves a lot to be desired.What's your original language?
As for your story, i really enjoyed it. I love your characters and i loved how you gave the animals an almost human like quality. Your description was also very well done. I'll be waiting for your update!
Stephiex
8/6/2005 c1 2Garrett Levine
interesting. It kind of reminds me of the book Eragon, do not ask me why... It is a good thing though. Write more.
2Garrett Levineinteresting. It kind of reminds me of the book Eragon, do not ask me why... It is a good thing though. Write more.