for Love Dying8/8/2005 c1 
20Nanners
I don't have much practice with critiquing poetry, but I'll give it a whirl...
First of all, I don't like the rhyme scheme at all. It gets in the way of the poem in several circumstances. "They call guns nice/So they shoot people down like mice." That's awkward. No one shoots people down, so the simile is off, and nice is such a weak word...
I don't get the "People love dyin'" line. People don't love dying generally, unless they are clinically depressed or suicidal. A lot of people, maybe even most people, dispise the very idea of dying. I think you mean killing, and even then people don't generally love to kill, unless they're sick and twisted serial killers, or something.
I get the overall meaning of the poem, and it may be that I'm just really literal. But either way, please clean up the rhyme scheme, because it really is very awkward.
Good luck! Toodles!
20NannersI don't have much practice with critiquing poetry, but I'll give it a whirl...
First of all, I don't like the rhyme scheme at all. It gets in the way of the poem in several circumstances. "They call guns nice/So they shoot people down like mice." That's awkward. No one shoots people down, so the simile is off, and nice is such a weak word...
I don't get the "People love dyin'" line. People don't love dying generally, unless they are clinically depressed or suicidal. A lot of people, maybe even most people, dispise the very idea of dying. I think you mean killing, and even then people don't generally love to kill, unless they're sick and twisted serial killers, or something.
I get the overall meaning of the poem, and it may be that I'm just really literal. But either way, please clean up the rhyme scheme, because it really is very awkward.
Good luck! Toodles!