for Dragonmancer10/9/2006 c2 
13Shadowhound
Okay, just reading the first two chapters, this sounds amazingly like pokemon. Only instead of cathing things, you summon them. And then they evolve. And you use them to battle against other summoners. And then there are emperors, or legendary, summons that can control others of that type. Sorry, but this sounds absurdly like pokemon.
Shadowhound
13ShadowhoundOkay, just reading the first two chapters, this sounds amazingly like pokemon. Only instead of cathing things, you summon them. And then they evolve. And you use them to battle against other summoners. And then there are emperors, or legendary, summons that can control others of that type. Sorry, but this sounds absurdly like pokemon.
Shadowhound
10/6/2006 c5 Might is Write
I like the general idea behind your story, but I do have a few constructive comments. The first one being that most of the fighting is rushed and lacks the bread and butter length that make it worth reading. The second is that you seem to make your main character pratically omnipotent, put his life in danger, make it exciting.
I like the general idea behind your story, but I do have a few constructive comments. The first one being that most of the fighting is rushed and lacks the bread and butter length that make it worth reading. The second is that you seem to make your main character pratically omnipotent, put his life in danger, make it exciting.
9/12/2005 c2 3MichelLim21
Hi dragonmancer! Very good piece of work here. I see that it is indeed quite addictive, graphic descriptions, very nice.Keep up the goodwork and i might just become a fan of yours in the future. Good luck! Rock on man!
3MichelLim21Hi dragonmancer! Very good piece of work here. I see that it is indeed quite addictive, graphic descriptions, very nice.Keep up the goodwork and i might just become a fan of yours in the future. Good luck! Rock on man!
8/19/2005 c2 8Cheryl.Dejavu
Yo Dragonmancer! First of all, nice plot. You really have a solid idea of how you want your fantasy land to be. Good job. Anyway.. I feel that you can improve your style of writing.
There's this part:
I quickly analysed the battle. I found that my Drake had injured its left wing, so it could not maximise its abilities. Then, my Cerberus had dealt a critical blow on it, weakening it. Then I easily subdued it.
Then something unexpected happened. My power increased by leaps and bounds.
The word 'then' was repeated three times. This doesn't make the paragraph flow nicely anymore. There is also another problem as such later in the story.
Also, since Crimson Hell Kite is the name of your dragon, i feel that the word 'my' in front of it is no longer necessary.
Well... i was finally able to write you a review! Haha.. anyway, great job pal. Looking forward to reading the rest. Shall move on to chapter 2 now!
8Cheryl.DejavuYo Dragonmancer! First of all, nice plot. You really have a solid idea of how you want your fantasy land to be. Good job. Anyway.. I feel that you can improve your style of writing.
There's this part:
I quickly analysed the battle. I found that my Drake had injured its left wing, so it could not maximise its abilities. Then, my Cerberus had dealt a critical blow on it, weakening it. Then I easily subdued it.
Then something unexpected happened. My power increased by leaps and bounds.
The word 'then' was repeated three times. This doesn't make the paragraph flow nicely anymore. There is also another problem as such later in the story.
Also, since Crimson Hell Kite is the name of your dragon, i feel that the word 'my' in front of it is no longer necessary.
Well... i was finally able to write you a review! Haha.. anyway, great job pal. Looking forward to reading the rest. Shall move on to chapter 2 now!
8/14/2005 c1 9ice flyer
interesting..you obviously have a clear picture of your world in your head. however, i'm not sure the staistics are very effective - it doesn't make such a big impact on the readers. also, the first sentence is also not very realistic or in character. i would suggest writing a smoother transition into the description of Kerrigan because he was talking about duels and then all of a sudden he's telling us how big Kerrigan is, so it's not so smooth. anyway, i think this story would be interesting, and i would suggest just cleaning it up. maybe get an impartial editor to go through it? good job :)
9ice flyerinteresting..you obviously have a clear picture of your world in your head. however, i'm not sure the staistics are very effective - it doesn't make such a big impact on the readers. also, the first sentence is also not very realistic or in character. i would suggest writing a smoother transition into the description of Kerrigan because he was talking about duels and then all of a sudden he's telling us how big Kerrigan is, so it's not so smooth. anyway, i think this story would be interesting, and i would suggest just cleaning it up. maybe get an impartial editor to go through it? good job :)
8/9/2005 c2 2Kalissan
A nice installment, I cant wait till we find out what the character looks like, and what meaning his past has to the story.You still need to work on your tense a bit, deside whether you are writing past, or present. And it needs quite a bit of editing, if you want some help give me an email. : ) I cant wait for chapter 2!
2KalissanA nice installment, I cant wait till we find out what the character looks like, and what meaning his past has to the story.You still need to work on your tense a bit, deside whether you are writing past, or present. And it needs quite a bit of editing, if you want some help give me an email. : ) I cant wait for chapter 2!
8/9/2005 c1 Kalissan
Review: PrologueA very nice, prologue. The storyline so far definitely caught my attention. I have only a couple of comments. One being that you started something in your third paragraph - I still remember how my powers had grown tremendously. It was all thanks to my master, Tom Hadley... - and then went into the topography and such of Kerrigan. Maybe if you were to start the paragraph with "My master was..." or something like that, instead of starting one subject and then starting another.The other thing you have to watch is your tense. You switch from present to past in your second paragraph. - my mid-teens, there is nothing I like more - in this, 'is' should be was, and 'like' should be liked. - So far I was unbeaten- I had won all seventy-eight duels since the past year when I started duelling. - Should be: I was unbeaten- I had won all seventy-eight of the duals I had participated in, in the past year.
Other than that, I like the story so far. And now I am off to read Chapter 1. : )
Review: PrologueA very nice, prologue. The storyline so far definitely caught my attention. I have only a couple of comments. One being that you started something in your third paragraph - I still remember how my powers had grown tremendously. It was all thanks to my master, Tom Hadley... - and then went into the topography and such of Kerrigan. Maybe if you were to start the paragraph with "My master was..." or something like that, instead of starting one subject and then starting another.The other thing you have to watch is your tense. You switch from present to past in your second paragraph. - my mid-teens, there is nothing I like more - in this, 'is' should be was, and 'like' should be liked. - So far I was unbeaten- I had won all seventy-eight duels since the past year when I started duelling. - Should be: I was unbeaten- I had won all seventy-eight of the duals I had participated in, in the past year.
Other than that, I like the story so far. And now I am off to read Chapter 1. : )