for Thief of Lore1/22/2006 c3 
7gingerbeer
I'm in love with the narration of this story. "Simple." Ah... I even felt relaxed in that paragraph. I can relate to it, because that's what I do sometimes too!
At this point, I've kinda forgotten (or do not yet know) where Lorre is... hmm... *flips back to CH1* Ok I'm not senile!
*swoons* I have a weak spot for tall, dark and handsome guys. Ayayaye... Aieoie quel beau prince charmant... *shiver*
Oh wait a minute! I know who this is! Gr! What a twist! That totally caught me by surprise!
Having visions is not good!
One suggestion I have is to change "hands waving wildly." When I read that, I see people about to fall off their unicycles and cartwheeling their arms. I got a little confused by "held more risk," but otherwise it's very clear what the status of this contrast demon is. You illustrated that very well in just a few sentences.
If it's the same contrast demon who says "I'm shamed to be a demon..." you might want reunite that quote with the paragraph of his last quote.
The next quote seems to be ownerless: "We've dealt with the 'unexplained' ..."
I really liked the introduction of T'Aliare through her voice, soft but cold.
One thing that would be reall cool would be to know what this cosulate's hallways, walls, and ceilings look like. I'm really intereseted in this new demon world.
Oh no! She's been taken by that horrible, horrible man. No no no no! I need to know what happens to her; update soon!
7gingerbeerI'm in love with the narration of this story. "Simple." Ah... I even felt relaxed in that paragraph. I can relate to it, because that's what I do sometimes too!
At this point, I've kinda forgotten (or do not yet know) where Lorre is... hmm... *flips back to CH1* Ok I'm not senile!
*swoons* I have a weak spot for tall, dark and handsome guys. Ayayaye... Aieoie quel beau prince charmant... *shiver*
Oh wait a minute! I know who this is! Gr! What a twist! That totally caught me by surprise!
Having visions is not good!
One suggestion I have is to change "hands waving wildly." When I read that, I see people about to fall off their unicycles and cartwheeling their arms. I got a little confused by "held more risk," but otherwise it's very clear what the status of this contrast demon is. You illustrated that very well in just a few sentences.
If it's the same contrast demon who says "I'm shamed to be a demon..." you might want reunite that quote with the paragraph of his last quote.
The next quote seems to be ownerless: "We've dealt with the 'unexplained' ..."
I really liked the introduction of T'Aliare through her voice, soft but cold.
One thing that would be reall cool would be to know what this cosulate's hallways, walls, and ceilings look like. I'm really intereseted in this new demon world.
Oh no! She's been taken by that horrible, horrible man. No no no no! I need to know what happens to her; update soon!
1/22/2006 c2 gingerbeer
Oh my gosh, another victim! An accident this time? I don't think so! Hm... I'm a little curious about the section breaks. Is there a difference between ).0.( and X0X ? (This is horrible, that Billy still doesn't know about her dad.)
Loved the demon's introduction, but there were a few missing articles that caught my eye, otherwise, I'm still hooked! On to chapter 2!
Oh my gosh, another victim! An accident this time? I don't think so! Hm... I'm a little curious about the section breaks. Is there a difference between ).0.( and X0X ? (This is horrible, that Billy still doesn't know about her dad.)
Loved the demon's introduction, but there were a few missing articles that caught my eye, otherwise, I'm still hooked! On to chapter 2!
1/17/2006 c1 gingerbeer
Wow, this is so ironic, one of the best first-liners I've seen so far, and guess what! My sister's on the phone with her schoolmate, and what caught my attention? "He got fired!"
Hahaha, just as I started reading this story too. Shows how much experience went into that one hook! Ok ok, I must read on...
This is my first time reading through, so "mystery" is something I must further investigate by reading... I love the next thing she says, revealing the stark contrast between people who don't care (unknown person or persons) and people who do (murdered!).
The repetition of the impact of the mother's statement realistically reflects the first moments of realization, loss.
Voice of the narration truly reflects Billy's character and thoughts; you haven't overdone or skipped a beat. I also love how Billy doesn't question her mother with a "Why?" She questions the stability of their past reality, as well as the woman who is her mother-with "Mom?"
You fit the mother's actions with her description really well. "Short bob," is a new term I've never heard before. Concise and educational, I tip my hat to that, definitely.
I also admire how you matched Billy's mother's monologue to her father's as if you'd written an original dialogue with her father in it, and then taken her father out. What her mother says is enough to know the other side of the exchange. Three kudos there!
Great job slipping in how old Billy is through necessary background information. You've also done a great job emphasizing the one thing I, as a reader, am wondering at the moment: the nature of the shocking news.
Usage of the word "hum" resounds with my own garage door experience. Well-chosen!
Whoah, what's going on with the parent conversation? It's like they know what happened. One thing that hit me at the very end was how far the kitchen was from the living room. Until the end, I thought if Billy was in the living room, she'd be able to hear everything. But then again, you said that from the living room, everything was "garbled." Good cover!
Ok, I surrender, I'm hooked, again! Next chapter!
Wow, this is so ironic, one of the best first-liners I've seen so far, and guess what! My sister's on the phone with her schoolmate, and what caught my attention? "He got fired!"
Hahaha, just as I started reading this story too. Shows how much experience went into that one hook! Ok ok, I must read on...
This is my first time reading through, so "mystery" is something I must further investigate by reading... I love the next thing she says, revealing the stark contrast between people who don't care (unknown person or persons) and people who do (murdered!).
The repetition of the impact of the mother's statement realistically reflects the first moments of realization, loss.
Voice of the narration truly reflects Billy's character and thoughts; you haven't overdone or skipped a beat. I also love how Billy doesn't question her mother with a "Why?" She questions the stability of their past reality, as well as the woman who is her mother-with "Mom?"
You fit the mother's actions with her description really well. "Short bob," is a new term I've never heard before. Concise and educational, I tip my hat to that, definitely.
I also admire how you matched Billy's mother's monologue to her father's as if you'd written an original dialogue with her father in it, and then taken her father out. What her mother says is enough to know the other side of the exchange. Three kudos there!
Great job slipping in how old Billy is through necessary background information. You've also done a great job emphasizing the one thing I, as a reader, am wondering at the moment: the nature of the shocking news.
Usage of the word "hum" resounds with my own garage door experience. Well-chosen!
Whoah, what's going on with the parent conversation? It's like they know what happened. One thing that hit me at the very end was how far the kitchen was from the living room. Until the end, I thought if Billy was in the living room, she'd be able to hear everything. But then again, you said that from the living room, everything was "garbled." Good cover!
Ok, I surrender, I'm hooked, again! Next chapter!
12/19/2005 c3 4Chicanery A. Beguile
Yay! Great chapter! You should up date this story some more it's great!
4Chicanery A. BeguileYay! Great chapter! You should up date this story some more it's great!
12/9/2005 c2 XXXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXXXX XXXXX
Yeah, sorry I haven't reviewed/read in ages *sheepish grin*
Okay. This is pretty good, but for some reasons, demons in stories is something I'm always wary of. Probably because I first started writing on a fanfiction site.
So many horny-teenage-girl-Inuyasha authors... *shudder*
Anyway, aside from that (which isn't really a bad point, just a personal phobia :P) this is great :).
Whoops. One more thing. I'd steer away from names like "T'lar". Really easy way to confuse people.
Anyway, this is still great. Time to read chapter 3 :).
Yeah, sorry I haven't reviewed/read in ages *sheepish grin*
Okay. This is pretty good, but for some reasons, demons in stories is something I'm always wary of. Probably because I first started writing on a fanfiction site.
So many horny-teenage-girl-Inuyasha authors... *shudder*
Anyway, aside from that (which isn't really a bad point, just a personal phobia :P) this is great :).
Whoops. One more thing. I'd steer away from names like "T'lar". Really easy way to confuse people.
Anyway, this is still great. Time to read chapter 3 :).
11/29/2005 c3 7Alankria
I saw there was only one more chapter so I read on. Some gripes here...
1) A purely 'perfect' English accent? Oh dear. I'll have you know, our accents are a) incredibly varied, and b) no one speaks with what Americans call a 'perfect' English accent. Sorry, that really griped me. I can't stand the presentation Brits get in American films etc.
2) I think you need to clarify who D'dea and Dael are...and perhaps not use different names.
But other than those two things, this was good. Write more soon.
7AlankriaI saw there was only one more chapter so I read on. Some gripes here...
1) A purely 'perfect' English accent? Oh dear. I'll have you know, our accents are a) incredibly varied, and b) no one speaks with what Americans call a 'perfect' English accent. Sorry, that really griped me. I can't stand the presentation Brits get in American films etc.
2) I think you need to clarify who D'dea and Dael are...and perhaps not use different names.
But other than those two things, this was good. Write more soon.
11/29/2005 c2 Alankria
You are very good at building suspense, for which I commend you. I also love the T'lar scene, very dark and foreboding, and I wonder who the baby is. I will read more soon, when I have time.
You are very good at building suspense, for which I commend you. I also love the T'lar scene, very dark and foreboding, and I wonder who the baby is. I will read more soon, when I have time.
11/1/2005 c3 9Alteng
I have been a busy little beaver, mind you, and my head is about to pop! Oh well.
This story is getting rather intriguing with the demons mucking about. There has been such things about some kind of underground activities going on through this story about what Uncle Tim has been up to. I thought he might be part of the mafia or something.
This Richard character seems intriguing also. I guess he might be a go between or Billie's protector.
9AltengI have been a busy little beaver, mind you, and my head is about to pop! Oh well.
This story is getting rather intriguing with the demons mucking about. There has been such things about some kind of underground activities going on through this story about what Uncle Tim has been up to. I thought he might be part of the mafia or something.
This Richard character seems intriguing also. I guess he might be a go between or Billie's protector.
10/23/2005 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, good chapter again! The older Hawethorn seemed to be some kind of S.O.B, huh? Wonder what's the truth behind Billy's uncle's death. And yeah, her parents were definitely suspicious right to the very core... also wonder about the Richard guy. I dunno if it's me, but I have a feeling that he's not as rotten as his father. Wonder about that T'lar character as well. I guess he will appear again soon, huh?
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuWell, good chapter again! The older Hawethorn seemed to be some kind of S.O.B, huh? Wonder what's the truth behind Billy's uncle's death. And yeah, her parents were definitely suspicious right to the very core... also wonder about the Richard guy. I dunno if it's me, but I have a feeling that he's not as rotten as his father. Wonder about that T'lar character as well. I guess he will appear again soon, huh?
10/18/2005 c1 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Hi there! It's me again! Well, first things first, thanks very much for your reviews. They really made my day! ;) Anyway, on with the review... well, you really set the story up well with Billy's Uncle getting murdered. I don't know what was the motive behind the murder, but I guess the whole thing will tie in later. The way you portrayed the feelings here was also very well done. Something which I applaude. I also like the conversation between Billy's parents. It seems that they were hiding something from her... wondering abou the reason behind them wanting to move out... and it definitely didn't sound nice.
P.S: Just on a side note, I've added you to my alerts list... nothing much there anyway...
Hi there! It's me again! Well, first things first, thanks very much for your reviews. They really made my day! ;) Anyway, on with the review... well, you really set the story up well with Billy's Uncle getting murdered. I don't know what was the motive behind the murder, but I guess the whole thing will tie in later. The way you portrayed the feelings here was also very well done. Something which I applaude. I also like the conversation between Billy's parents. It seems that they were hiding something from her... wondering abou the reason behind them wanting to move out... and it definitely didn't sound nice.
P.S: Just on a side note, I've added you to my alerts list... nothing much there anyway...
10/8/2005 c3 1rrmehta364
Billy is a strange name for a girl. also, the demon names have apostrophes. names with too many apostrophes can get anoying. when i see one name with an apostrophe, i gloss over it and hope i know whose talking. maybe its because i cant pronounce them in my head, but too complicated. i like the way you weave all the plots together. i wonder what the exact relation between the demons and lorre is. really, really interesting and the only way for me to find out is to keep reading.
1rrmehta364Billy is a strange name for a girl. also, the demon names have apostrophes. names with too many apostrophes can get anoying. when i see one name with an apostrophe, i gloss over it and hope i know whose talking. maybe its because i cant pronounce them in my head, but too complicated. i like the way you weave all the plots together. i wonder what the exact relation between the demons and lorre is. really, really interesting and the only way for me to find out is to keep reading.
10/8/2005 c2 rrmehta364
this story seems a lot darker than most of your writings. still, its very good. what is T'lar? He can't be human can he. See, the confusion here is of the good kind. it makes me want to keep reading. it creates mystery. I like the evil father and richard. i'm curious what'll happen with that situation. this story seems to be thought out in advance. this is probably my favorite out of the stuff you've written.
this story seems a lot darker than most of your writings. still, its very good. what is T'lar? He can't be human can he. See, the confusion here is of the good kind. it makes me want to keep reading. it creates mystery. I like the evil father and richard. i'm curious what'll happen with that situation. this story seems to be thought out in advance. this is probably my favorite out of the stuff you've written.
10/8/2005 c1 rrmehta364
well, this story has a really interesting blurb to it. the idea might have a lot of promise. i really like the way you opened the story. the description is excellent though i was a little confused at the end. not the good kind confused, the bad confused. well actually a little of both.
well, this story has a really interesting blurb to it. the idea might have a lot of promise. i really like the way you opened the story. the description is excellent though i was a little confused at the end. not the good kind confused, the bad confused. well actually a little of both.
10/8/2005 c3 19Lara Bykirk
I'm intrigued as to what is the connection between the demons and Billy. The section about the demons was very interesting, but it was also a bit confusing-a little more explaination of who all these people are would be appreciated.
19Lara BykirkI'm intrigued as to what is the connection between the demons and Billy. The section about the demons was very interesting, but it was also a bit confusing-a little more explaination of who all these people are would be appreciated.